Title: A Touch of Crazy
Series: Saiyuki
Rating/Pairing: M/85
AN: For the Saiyuki Fanfic Song Meme using Staind's The Corner.
Walking in the rain without an umbrella was stupid; I get that (even if it wasn't solely my decision to go). Not telling you where I was going, storming out like that, I understand that I was being morbid and self-destructive. I didn't think you'd come after me. All those petty, vindictive words that would have broken a weaker man…hell, they almost broke me and I'm the dumb ass that said them. It would have served me right if that cocked gun had gone off.
I wasn't expecting anything other than the darkness stretching on forever; a dark road of nothingness that would suck my soul out of my mouth like a lover's kiss. Just shows what type of crappy relationships I've had, huh? I'd probably make some shrink tons of cash trying to figure out how I get sex from death. Maybe it's death from sex, who knows.
The rain splatters wetly at my feet, thick, heavy drops that seem suspended in time as they bounce back up only to shatter again into tiny pearls of iridescence. The bottoms of my jeans are soaked through, the dark blue turning black; more shadows to fill my cloaked vision. I want to cry…or laugh, I'm not really sure which is threatening to claw its way out of my throat right now. Not until that barred door is broken down and those thick drops are flung across the room haphazardly; the corpses like so many broken dolls collecting at your feet.
I'm not exaggerating when I say I've never seen a more beautiful sight. You're like freedom and absolution; holy water on a condemned man's soul. Wine from my eyes and honey from your lips as those silver chains fall from your fingers and tinkle brokenly across the floor; shattered crystal in the dark. I never knew my sins could be forgiven by such an earthly, demonic creature. I never knew my blood could wash away unbidden tears like ash from our mouths.
It all seemed so surreal, watching the world just fade away to white; watching such familiar streets become new. Your heat beside me made me shiver more than the cold icy tendrils of rain tinged autumn wind. Your warm fingers tugging on my jacket sleeve burned more than any fire. Your creepy laugh and sadistic smile made me more secure than any twisted lock or lewd banter. Your OCD tendencies made me feel like I was coming home and your familiar weight made me learn how to pray.
Funny how life turns out, huh? I really shouldn't be alive. For all the shit I've done and all the people I've pissed off, the least of which is a trigger happy monk with permanent PMS. Yeah, I should be dead by now. We both should, but this…thing we have between us. The touches and the banter and the shared breaths and damnation…I don't think either one of us would have or could have survived with out the other. How screwed up is that?
So tell me, Hakkai, since I can't seem to do a damn thing right without you…why the hell is there a packed suitcase by the door? Why do you refuse to meet my eyes and why do you flinch from my touch? I don't want to have to chase after you. I don't want to…but I will. I will because one of us needs to be honest about this. One of us (and God how fucked up is it that it seems to be me?) needs to push this to the next level, because the thought of you leaving makes me crazy. I can't…I won't accept your running away because of something stupid like this.
We, you and me, we're going to have to work through this, because I'm not losing my best friend and I'm not losing the mind-blowing connection that we have or the potential that something more can come from this. You are not allowed to turn your back on me this time. Do you hear me?! Hakkai, damn it, look at me!!
"Fuck, man…I just…I can't lose….aw hell…"
I really didn't expect you to actually turn and look at me. I thought for sure you'd just walk off into the night and leave me to wallow in my own childish feelings of self-pity and despair.
"Gojyo, I can't stay, you're not…safe around me anymore."
"That's bullshit, man! You're the only one I am safe with and I…"
I can't bring myself to say it. It's right there on the tip of my tongue and if he looks at me with those understanding, soulful mossy eyes of his I will say it, but for his sake I can't.
"This is so screwed up…."
"I need you to tell me, Gojyo. Tell me why you really want me to stay."
Hell, of course he'd actually want me to talk to him. The one person who won't let me get away with just showing him what I mean, no~ I have to explain myself! God damn it.
"I…."
He steps in with a purpose, crowding my personal space and getting right in my comfort zone. It's a tactic I use to throw people of guard all the time. It kinda pisses me off that he's figured me out so well so quickly.
"Damn you…"
"That's not what you want to do though, so tell me, Gojyo. Tell me."
His voice is low and gravely and his eyes are hooded as his breath stirs the loose hair drying around my neck. It's another of my tricks and yeah, he's fucking better at it than I am, prick.
"I…."
"Tell me…."
"I…I lo…."
"Please…."
His voice is needy and with a start I realize I'm rock hard and if he presses in any closer he'll definitely notice, although I wouldn't put it past the freak to have known all along, what's worse is that I knew this was going to happen, sooner or later it had to. Sighing in resignation I finally meet his eyes and suck it up; might as well get the humiliation over with.
"Hell, Ha~kkai~," I whine, noticing a pleased little twitch of the lips as he steps back just a fraction to lock eyes with me, "Okay, so this is totally your fault by the way, but somewhere between the guts and vines I fell for you, hard, and I can't believe I'm gonna say this but I...I love you."
I'm not breathing. I'm not, not breathing, but you know, everything's just kinda…waiting for him to break the silence that is dragging way to long for me. Eventually I'll turn blue and fall down and…oh! Maybe I can use that for an excuse to make him ignore my horribly forced confession. You think he'd buy that? Eh, probably not. He's got one of those elephant memories and if I get yelled at for beer can ash trays I am so totally not looking forward to his reaction to suddenly having his supposedly straight roommate confessing undying love.
I am so screwed.
"Go…jyo…"
The way he breathes my name like a prayer makes my pulse flutter. I wasn't expecting that. Well, maybe I was considering he kind of forced me to say it and all, but I most definitely did not expect him to close the distance between us. To actually try to walk through me and by sheer physics end up pinning me to the wall, his hips fused with mine, his tongue swallowing my surprise and his eyes gentle in a way I've never seen before. We can't seem to figure out where we want to hold or touch or ravish or…I don't know anything any more. All I know is this, Hakkai wants me just as much as I want him and we're both so needy right now for the weight of the other to crush us we'll probably not make it back to the bed tonight, at least, not for a while that is.
Oh yeah…I am so screwed.
~Fin.
The Corner by Staind
It Sheltered Me From Nothing But The Weather
I Called It Home For A Moment Of My Life
This Place I See Just Doesn't Look Familiar
I Wonder If It Looks The Same Inside
(Chorus)
So There's The Corner That I Sat On
The Road I Walked Home In The Rain
And There's The Star I Used To Wish On
It All Just Seems Like Yesterday
Days Go By
Nothing's Getting Clearer
Can't Change My Mind
My Troubles Are The Same
Faces Change
The Names They Are Familiar
And The Streets I See
Will Stand The Test Of Time
So There's The Corner That I Sat On
The Road I Walked Home In The Rain
And There's The Star I Used To Wish On
It All Just Seems Like Yesterday
And Those Stars
Stars Still Shine
Shine Down Through The Rain
And There's The Corner That I Sat On
The Road I Walked Home In The Rain
And There's The Star I Used To Wish On
It All Just Seems Like Yesterday
And I Stare Out This Dirty Window
As This World Goes Slowly By
And Somewhere Out There Is The Future
That I Once Thought Had Passed Me By
Sheltered Me From Nothing But The Weather