Loving all of him

Chaos. That's all the joker stood for. Mayhem, chaos and destruction they were like his 3 devotions in life. I don't know what it was about him but I loved him, he was my Mr. J and I was his Harley Quinn. There was something so captivating about him, his appearance was so unique, his mannerisms were so self concerned and his goal in life seemed to only be the destruction of Gotham but still I loved him.

We had been through so much together, breaking out of Arkham, blowing up buildings, setting traps for the Batman. I have to admit my life now was so much more exhilarating that it ever had been well up until right now. My current predicament was simply my own doing and I couldn't help but feel no guilt for my actions. I was simply waiting, I wasn't sure what for, I guess I'm not sure how I was supposed to react so I just sat there wearing nothing but a smile and a blood soaked dress.

It had been a hard week, Mr. J was stressing about his numerous plans to assassinate the commissioner, blow up half of Gotham and kill the Batman, I couldn't blame him for being so stressed really but his temper was off the scale. I don't think I'd ever seen him so angry, this was a different kind of angry to normal, he was enraged. For 5 whole days and nights he was pacing the office, the bedroom, the lab. He was smashing objects, screaming and shouting. Anyone who crossed his path was in for it. I remember asking him if he wanted me to massage his back and shoulders and he threw me backwards against the wall slamming his fist against my cheek.

"Do I fucking look like I want a fucking massage right now!"

I can still hear the ringing in my ears as he screamed in my face.

It wasn't uncommon for the Joker to lay his hands on me. He was a violent man, a psychopath, a man hell bent on causing as much damage and pain as he could. I should know I was his psychologist for a while but It didn't change how I felt. I loved him and he loved me, deep down, somewhere.. Despite the stinging and swelling of my cheek I held back the tears. I had learned that lesson the hard way, seeing me cry seemed to thrill him and he would laugh and usually strike again just for his own satisfaction.

Something was changing in him, it was like whoever had been holding his leash had finally let go. He was like a crazed rabid dog out to destroy everything.

A few days later I realised he had finally lost sight of everything after I awoke coughing, there was a strong smell of burning and the room was filling with smoke. I struggled to open my eyes with the thickness of the smoke.

"Mr J!"

There came no response yet through the sound of explosions I could hear laughing. A high pitched, ear piercing laugh. I opened the door and made my way through the flames and out of the building only to find the Joker standing outside looking at the building and laughing.

"Mister J,what's going on?"

A response never came just laughter, a swipe of his hand, then more laughter.

I lay on the ground beside him, he had managed to strike my shoulder and knock me down and I didn't dare get up, I just stared at the building that was once our home, our HQ, our life, burning to the ground. I couldn't believe what was happening, why did Mr J not come to get me? Why was he laughing? I didn't dare ask, I had taken enough of a beating this week to dare open my mouth.

I was dragged from my thoughts by the sound of whimpering. Oh my god! Bud and Lou! My hyenas! I couldn't go back inside the building was already falling down around me. My babies! I was hoping they would come out, I was praying that Mr J hadn't chained them up. I wanted to stand up and ask him to go inside and get them but I couldn't. After what seemed like an eternity one of the Jokers henchmen came out of the building, he was black with soot and coughing but under his huge muscular arms he had my babies!

I ignored the Jokers laughter and ran straight to him taking my faithful companions from him.

"He's lost it Harley, he set the fire." The henchman whispered as I took the hyenas from his arms.

I turned to look back at the Joker, he had stopped laughing and now just stood still, staring, I have never felt so scared in all my life, he had tried to kill us all? my love had tried to kill me?

I suddenly felt so cold, goosebumps covered my entire body, then I felt a hand on my shoulder, Bud and Lou's growled.

"Come on puddin' I've found somewhere for us to live" his voice was oddly calm as he led me to the car. I've never been so scared, I didn't want to get into a car with him, I didn't want to be with him. For the first time in my life he was scaring me.

Neither of us spoke the whole way to our new home, it was as if Bud and Lou had sensed that something was wrong and both stayed quiet on the back seat of the car. The new house was nothing special, it was actually a shit hole. I didn't want to be there, it was cold and damp and smelled of mould. Then again what did I expect for an abandoned boat on Gotham's river.

I tried my best, I tired to be the happy Harley that he had always known but he wasn't interested. I suggested going out, maybe we could go hold up a jewellers but he rejected that idea with yet another strike.

I couldn't take it anymore. My face was covered in bruises, my body ached all over. What had happened to my Joker? Where had the man I loved gone? I hid in the bathroom lay on the floor with the hyenas crying into their soft fur to avoid taking any more punishment from him.

The days seemed to roll into one but this morning I will never forget for the rest of my life. Mr. J was sat at the kitchen table fiddling around with some bottles of chemicals and following some scrawled notes on a bit of paper. He was muttering under his breath. I didn't dare speak as I made a pot of coffee, not that he even noticed me coming into the kitchen. He looked different, it wasn't just the absence of his clown make up, something seemed so odd about him, his eyes were fixated, his body seemed scrawnier than usual. He had deep purple bags under his eyes I tried to count how many days he hadn't slept for but I'd lost count myself.

"You look a fucking mess with all them bruises, it's rude to have bruises and not wear make up you fucking whore"

I bit my lip trying so desperate to hold the words in my mouth. I didn't even think he had noticed me come into the room. I didn't respond and just headed into the bathroom to start applying some make up. He was right I guess, I did look a mess and I probably should cover them up. I was so focussed on applying the make up I didn't hear him come into the bathroom, it was only when I looked into the mirror I saw him behind me.

"Puddin' you made me jump" I tried to hide the shakiness in my voice.

I could feel his cold eyes staring at me through the mirror.

"Why are you always here?" He asked.

"Why are you always in my fucking way! No wonder I can't do anything right with you and your high pitched fucking voice breathing down my neck every few minutes"

I could feel the harshness in his voice. My breathing started to increase rapidly. I could feel my heart pounding against my chest.

"Your nothing but a useless burden" I felt his cold hands on the back of my head.

I couldn't help it, my body was giving in as a tear escaped and rolled down my cheek.

"Mr. J you don't mean that"

"Mr. J. Mr. J. Fucking! Fuck off!" With the last breath he slammed my head straight into the mirror infront of us.

As he did I screamed and that was when everything changed, Lou came running to my rescue and grabbed the Jokers leg. It was then that I heard a deafening bang, then another followed by a whimper. It all happened so fast. I saw my precious Lou lied in the corridor blood oozing from his side, the Joker sat on the floor not saying a word as blood trickled down his leg. That was when I noticed the gun, he's shot my Lou! He was going to shoot me?

Then it happened. For the first time in my life I saw a tear, a real tear rolling down the Jokers face.

"My Harley, my precious Harley. Puddin' help me. I'm so sorry"

I knelt down beside him and helped him to his feet. Slowly with his arm around my shoulders I led him to the sofa. I sat him down before turning back to my babies.

Lou was whimpering on the floor with Bud beside him licking his wounds. It was then in that split second I made up my mind. I couldn't do this anymore. I picked up Lou and took him out to the car and placed him on the back seat before calling Bud to join him.

Returning back into the boat, Mr. J was exactly were I had left him sat on the sofa staring at the floor.

I walked into the bedroom and took off my wedding ring, it wasn't a real one just something me and the Joker had done ourselves but we always referred to each other as husband and wife, placing the ring on the bed and picking up my favourite photo of us and stuffing into my boot leg I opened the drawer and took out one last item.

It was something Mr. J had given me after the first ever time I had sprang him from Arkham and decided to join the prince of crime and his criminal underworld.

I took one last deep breath before heading back to the sofa where he was still sitting.

Slowly I climbed onto his lap, placing my legs either side of his and facing him.

I expected him to speak, to flinch, to hit me but he did nothing. Just sat, staring. I wrapped my arms around his neck and leaned over to the side of his head.

"I'm sorry"

I whispered into his ear before bringing my arms back around the front of him, doing so I gently pushed the blade he had given me across the side of his neck. Warm, sticky blood began pouring from his neck, he started making slow gargling noises as he looked at me with his lifeless eyes.

I climbed off him and pressed the knife into his chest.

I watched as his body twitched for a moment before going still. His head flopped onto his chest, his eyes were empty.

I knew that was the end. I was free. I was no longer a victim of his cruel life but I still loved him. I would always love him. All of him.