A Parody of Stephanie Meyer's New Moon

I sighed as I gazed at Edward. His beautiful, limpid, smoldering, glowing, golden, topaz eyes burned with the furious, red-hot intensity of a thousand summer suns. His perfectly sculpted body was shining like a million faceted diamonds in the sunlight. He sighed as well, a glorious, gorgeous sound that rang in my ear like church bells. He turned towards me, and I found I was suddenly breathless. I was lost in his impossibly, inhumanly angelic face, not even finding in myself the will to even try to remember how to breathe.

"Bella," the most perfect person that ever existed said, "I was thinking that maybe… why are you turning blue?" My lungs became tight, my throat began to burn, and I felt myself blacking out. It was just like the first time Edward kissed me. Right before I collapsed into a faint, my brilliant angel yelled, "Bella! Are you…? Oh, not again… BREATHE, YOU RETARD!" His stone cold hands grabbed my shoulders, and he began shaking me roughly. It was like heaven. Suddenly, my brain reengaged and I gasped for air.

"Sorry, Edward," I said after I found my breath again. "It's just that sometimes, you're just so beautiful, I can't help it." Edward rolled his gorgeous shining eyes.

"I know. But don't die on me, okay? If that ever happened, I'd have to commit suicide immediately."

"Oh, Edward! That's so romantic! Just like Romeo and Juliet!" I squealed. My idol looked sadly at me.

"Actually, Bella, that's what I wanted to talk to you about." he said, uncomfortably. "Bella… I have to leave."

We stared at each other in silence for a few seconds.

"What?" I asked.

"I have to leave," the godlike personage in front of me repeated. "I'm too dangerous, Bella. I'm a horrendous, hideous, unforgivable, monstrous abomination! I could hurt you!" My heart suddenly went into convulsions. It felt like it was going to beat right out of my chest. I began hyperventilating.

" No, Edward! No! No! No! You're not dangerous! You wouldn't hurt a fly! I know you're a vampire! I know you have an unbearable thirst for my blood! I know you could crush my skull or tear me in half in no time flat! I know every time we kiss, I'm two centimeters away from your razor-sharp teeth, and it would be all too easy for you to suck all my blood out through my mouth! I know you sneak into my room at night and stare at me while I sleep, and it's unbearably tempting for you to kill me… or rape me… But I don't care! I don't care, Edward! You can never leave me! It would destroy me!" I wept brokenly, clinging to Edward as tears, mucus, and saliva cascaded down my face. He looked at me pityingly, and then pushed me away.

"I'm sorry, Bella. Goodbye." He turned and ran off at a blinding speed. I was alone.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!11!!1one1!!" I screamed. It felt like my heart had been brutally torn from my chest, dissolved into oblivion, the oblivion sucked up by a vacuum cleaner, the vacuum tossed off a cliff into the ocean and swallowed by a whale, the whale killed by whalers and made into whale oil, the whale oil burned, the smoke from the whale oil rising into the atmosphere, creating a hole in the atmosphere, causing global warming, melting the polar ice caps, killing millions of polar bears, causing the ocean level to rise and flood Florida, killing the thousands of old retired people living there, as well as all the celebrities with summer homes there. I wept for what felt like an eternity. Eventually, I decided that my life had no meaning. There was no point to a life without Edward.

But, if I committed suicide, Edward would as well. So, I decided to just become a hollow shell for the rest of my life and get on the nerves of everybody I'm acquainted with.

THE END