I shift in the bed, feeling nothing surrounding my body, nothing blocking my movement. I realize that I'm naked as the day I was born and slowly pain and panic begin to bubble up into my stomach. What did I do? Did I really make this mistake again? But before I can further process my own misdoings I look forward and find that my sight is somewhat blocked by a head of hair. Crimson?

I calm myself and let myself drift into emptiness so that I could actually enjoy this moment of vulnerability, of mistake, of curiosity and I clutch her hair gently, enjoying its softness and holding a chuckle as to its resemblance to a lion's mane. At the same time, I realize that she is also surrounding and entrapping me in her physically and emotionally by me just lingering this long. However, I highly doubt that she will remember this, so I plan my escape and enjoy this forbidden company that I swore off of many years ago. I slowly get out of bed, fast enough and soft enough for her continue her sleep and quick scramble to find my clothes. All my clothes wear scattered on the floor which made my task easy, but there was just one problem.

Fuck... how am I gonna get that down?

Out of the frenzy of us trying to get rid of our clothes, a certain article of clothing got stuck on the fan and kept spinning. As much as I wanted to laugh at that, now wasn't the time. Best day as any to go commando right? I slip on my clothes and grab my bag as I head to the fire escape that had always stood true throughout the years. Well at least to its purpose, escape. I look back as I head through the window and am met with blank teal eyes, ones that don't understand, ones that are being to. I automatically freeze as if that would just make me disappear, but I know that could never happen, not with her. Before I take another step that would give me my so called freedom and distance, I see her mouth begin to move.

"Elsa?" she slowly whispers.

I don't let her get another word in, or give her time to process my being here and shoot a tiny explosion of snowflakes, masking my presence as I swiftly get out of the window and out of sight. I stay and listen to make sure that she doesn't follow and check one last time to make sure that she has gone back to sleep. I leave one thing for her before I leave, an eternal snowflake by the windowsill. Maybe she may notice, maybe she may crush it, maybe she may never realize however I leave it anyways. That is all the love that I can give her, this is all that she must know. Before more tears threaten me I run down the fire escape and trek through the snow, my heart still unclear.

You know that you can't have her. All that you can do is remain as a dream, one that that can been seen and experienced but may never come true. The damage that I have done before is too great to repair and she doesn't need to be burdened. She is my happiness, she is my escape, she is my dreams but what I am left with is someone that is my sadness, someone that traps me, someone that is reality.

Conceal what has to be concealed

Don't feel what must not be felt

My mantra, my suffocation, my guidelines that have been imposed on me lest I want to end up dead.

I finally snap out of it to realize where my feet are taking me and I understand where I must go. I always understand. I hail a taxi as I approach the roadside and climb inside.

"Where to Miss?" says the cab driver.

"Southern Isles Hotel"