The Phone Bill- By Ryo and Skywise
Disclaimer: All those who think Skywise and Ryo own anything mentioned in this fic, speak now. Good. Now kindly fuck yourselves and die. Very good ^_^ Anyone else who still thinks Ryo and Skywise own anything mentioned in this fic must now be disemboweled and nailed to the wall. ^_^
Chapter 1- S
Arucard: Master, you should have a day off.
Integral: And what would I do on my day off?
Alexander: Take me to bed.
Integral: How'd you get in here?! Go off and screw Maxwell or something!
Incognito: *appears from nowhere and yells at Alexander* WHO'S Maxwell!??! ARE YOU SEEING SOMEONE ELSE!?
Alexander: You're the only one!
Integral: *smirks* Enrico Maxwell is the man that your Alexander is now seeing, Incognito. He thinks he's sexier than you.
Incognito: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! *stakes himself*
Alexander: ......
Arucard: Good job, Master. You didn't even touch him and he's dead.
Integral: Oh, it was nothing.
Alexander: Well....I guess its time to shop for a new bitch. *walks out*
Ghost of Incognito: OoOoOoOoOooooo! *writes dirty things on the walls*
Seras: ? *looks at a wall* ....Ewww!
Arucard: Stop dirtying up the walls, Ghost of Incognito!
Incognito Ghost: *draws Arucard making out with a monkey*
Maxwell: *comes out from nowhere and draws Integral glasses on the monkey*
Integral: *growls* WHY YOU-!! *beats up Maxwell with kung fu*
Maxwell: ^_^ You love me!
Incognito Ghost: *tries to undress Seras*
Seras: *screams and starts trying to beat up Incognito Ghost, then realizes that her hands go through him*
Integral: *rushes off to her room and comes back wearing a Ghostbusters uniform*
Incognito Ghost: I will violate and eat you all!
Seras: You can't violate us, you have no dick.
Incognito Ghost: ;_;
Arucard: ^_^ I like the designs on your bra! o_o Err, I mean, gah...
Integral: *pulls out that gun-thingy and shoots Incognito Ghost*
Incognito Ghost: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! *shpoof*
Seras: *dresses self quickly*
Seras: What were you saying Arucard?
Arucard: ^_^;;; N-Nothing!
Integral: You're asking for it, Arucard. *smokes a cigar*
Alexander: *is taping Seras half-naked through the window, but falls backwards on his ladder*
Alexander: Ouchie.......
Arucard: ? *goes over and looks out the window*
Alexander: *scampers away*
Arucard: *sends his puppies after Alexander*
Alexander: *suddenly walks out of the closet* ......DAMMIT. That must have been a magic door....
Doggy: *comes out of the magic door and eats Alexander*
Alexander: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! SAVE ME, JEBUS!!!!
Seras: *waves*
Alexander: Have mercy!
Doggy: *chews on Alexander like a chew toy*
Alexander: X-x
Integral: Arucard? Could you take the dog outside please? I need to do some paper work...
Arucard: Yes, my Master. *puts a leash on the doggy and takes it outside*
Walter: *walks in* Integral-sama?
Integral: Yes, Walter?
Walter: There's a little matter regarding the phone bill.....
Integral: What is it?
Walter: We can't afford to pay it.....
Integral: o_o What?!
Integral: Why not?
Walter: Well....it seems someone's been dialing phone sex services....and...um...other long distance places such as Taiwan, Greece, and India.
Integral: *raises an eyebrow*
Integral: Who would make THAT many calls...
Walter: Good question. *steps in Alexander goop* Oh for crying out loud.....
Integral: *calls the janitors to come clean up Alexander*
Walter: And the phone sex calls are non-refundable.
Integral: Gah...*slaps her forehead* I knew I shouldn't have listened to my girl-friends and did the phone sex thing....
Walter: Shall I call our accountant and file for bankruptcy?
Integral: Bankruptcy? No! We can pay for it...*an evil grin spreads across her face* and I know just how to do it....
Integral: *walks over to the window and looks down at Arucard and Seras playing fetch with the doggy*
Integral: Arucard! I need to see you!
Arucard: *floats up into the office with his spooky floaty powers* Yes, Master?
Walter:*plays with freaky string*
Integral: It seems that the Hellsing Institution can't afford to pay for the phone bills...
Integral: Since I refuse to file for bankruptcy, we need a quick, easy to make a lot of money.
Arucard: *listens, not sure why Integral is telling him this*
Integral: This is where you come in. *gives Arucard a hooker outfit* Change into this.
Arucard: O_O;;;
Walter: Oh bloody hell... *gets his string all tangled*
Integral: I expect you to be ready for work by tomorrow evening.
Arucard: *stares at the skimpy leather outfit, then stares at Integral* But... But...
Walter: Do what she says. Don't make her get the out the Bitch Belt! *dum dum dum*
Arucard: This is degrading!
Integral: Would you rather wear this instead? *holds up an even skimpier hooker outfit*
Walter: Hey! That's mine!
Arucard: I refuse! There has to be SOME other way!
Integral: Do you remember what you did at the last New Years party?
Arucard: No. Why?
Walter: *snort*
Integral: *grins* My point exactly.
Arucard: ...I'll do it.
Integral: I thought you would see things my way. ^_^
Arucard: *grumbles and leaves*
Integral: *claps her hands together* Well, it seems we have our phone bill situation taken care of.
Walter: Very good, Integral-sama!
Integral: Thank you, Walter.
Arucard: *comes back in the skimpy outfit, looking very unhappy*
Integral: Very good, Arucard. It fits you like a glove.
Seras: *suddenly walks out of the closet* Hey that was a magic door ^_^.......O_O
Arucard: Easy for you to say..._ its righting up on me...
Seras: M-M-M-MASTER!??!?!?!
Arucard: -_-
Arucard: Hello, female officer...
Seras: I should call YOU that, Master!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHHAAA!!!!
Arucard: *grumbles*
Arucard: Master, this had better not last long.....
Walter: That depends on how much you make, Sir Arucard. *hands him the bill total*
Arucard: *reads it* O_O 17,219,500 dollars and 3 cents?!
Seras: *laughing really hard* I'll make a donation! *hands Integral 3 cents*
Integral: Thank you, Officer Seras. That just leaves 17,219,500 dollars.
Arucard: How am I going to make THAT much money?!
Integral: Well, you have to be really limber.
Arucard: ...._
Integral: *with magickal important person swiftness gets an ad put in the newspaper*
Seras: I think I can be of some help. *gives Arucard a chart of a bunch of advanced sex positions*
Seras: Personally, I like that one. *points to a freakish one*
Arucard: o_o *nosebleed*
Arucard: Where did you get this?
Seras: Get it? I created it!
Arucard: The....detail...is....detailed.
Seras: Nicely put, Master. ^_^
Integral: You study that sheet, Arucard, while we wait for your first customer.
Arucard: *pouts and examines the sheet* …..Female officer…Is that an arm or a leg?
Seras: …..That's the man's head…
Arucard: ….I guess I have some stretching to do….
End Chapter 1!