Ask A Vampire … Or A Werewolf … Or An Idiot! :D
A/N: This is all nonsense. We're just having fun. If you can't take a joke … Get out. NOW. Before we throw Bella at you. And you can keep her, too! :D
Carlisle: Good day to you all! This is the premiere of Ask A Vampire … Or A Werewolf … Or An Idiot! :D … Wait. Who's the idiot?
Bella: (puts fork in outlet)
(ZAP!)
Monika: … Oh, no one. (smiles)
Carlisle: I'm the producer, Carlisle Cullen, and please welcome your hosts, Monika and Emi!
(Applause! Applause!)
Monika: Thank you, thank you, you're all too kind!
Emi: Our first guest is … drum roll please!
Monika: (takes out drumsticks and bangs on Bella's head)
Emi: Edward Cullen! Whoooo!
(And the crowd goes wild!)
Edward: (comes out) Am … I in the right studio? It says here on this paper, "Under the sign that says 'Cookies for Sale.'"
Emi: Oh, sorry. I gave you my shopping list.
Edward: That's quite alright. Umm … Where do you want me to sit?
Emi: (sarcastically) Hmm… I don't know. How about the seat that says "Edward" on it?
Edward: Oh. Right. (sits down)
(You'll only get this part if you've seen the movie.)
Monika: (stares at Edward with raised eyebrow)
Edward: (looks around) What? (touches his face) Do I have something on my face?
Monika: No, no. You look suspiciously like my boyfriend, Cedric Diggory. (Reference: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire)
Edward: Is that a good thing?
Monika: I don't know. Just putting it out there.
Emi: So Edward! What's it like dating a nitwit?
Edward: A what? OH! You mean Bella! Yeah. It's okay.
Bella: (in background) I LOVE YOU, EDWARD!
Monika: Look! She goes as CAPS as Harry!
Harry: (in background) HEY!
Emi: Our point exactly. Hey, your interview was last week. Get out of here!
Harry: (grumbles as he leaves the studio)
Emi: Anyway. So Edward—
Bella: (still screaming in background) EDWARD, LOOK AT ME! I'M CHEERING FOR YOU!
Monika: (rubs forehead) Can someone please take care of her?
Voldemort: No problem. Get her, boys!
(Dementors come out of nowhere)
Emi: Thank you. Very much. We really appreciate that!
Edward: (cough cough)
Monika: You're welcome.
Edward: I think this is a fabulous time for a commercial break!
Carlisle: I completely agree. We'll be back after these suggestive messages!
Commercial Break! :D
Alice: Are you tired of walking? Are vampires giving you trouble? Do you despise werewolves? If you answered "yes" to three or more of these questions, then you should change books and ride Hippogriff Airlines! There's great service, and you can even take a buddy! Plus, you get a free bodyguard! Hey, those hippogriffs sure are powerful! Look what they did to Draco Malfoy!
Malfoy: HEY!
Alice: Right. They didn't do enough! Anyway! Hippogriffs will get you anywhere in no time! Watch as we demonstrate the difference between vampire speed versus hippogriff speed!
Edward and Buckbeak in a race
(Edward takes off and Buckbeak soars through the air. Buckbeak kicks Edward in the face and Edward falls into the random ocean.)
Alice: See? Personal bodyguard, AND effective time management! Stop wasting money on gas! Ride Hippogriff Airlines!
Edward: (rubs his face) That really hurt!
--
Bella: (plugs in Glade® Plug-in Scented Candles) (sniffs air)
Emi and Monika: (come through door) Eugh, it smells like Bella in here!
Bella: No, you guys, it's not me this time!
Emi and Monika: Mhmm. Sure. That's what you said last time.
Bella: (grins and starts singing) Plug it in, plug it in!
Edward: (throws shoe at Bella) Shut up, woman! You're blowing up my eardrums!
End Commercial Break! :D
Emi: So! We're back to Ask A Vampire … Or A Werewolf … Or An Idiot! :D
Edward: That's a really long title. Don't you think you should shorten it?
Monika: Listen you, we had the same conversation with Lupin! We like the long title! And you should too!
Emi: Or else. (pulls torch out of no where)
Lupin: (from behind the scenes) Where do they get these random items?
Carlise: You tell me. You're the magic expert!
Lupin: Oh, right. (face palm)
Monika: So how was it playing baseball in the thunderstorm?
Edward: Oh, yeah, that was so cool! We love it when it rains, because we can play games! Like hide and seek!
Emi, Monika, and Bella: (look at each other)
Monika: Hey, how'd you get back in?
Bella: The front door.
Emi: Hey, who put that door there?
Lupin: I'm on it. (casts spell on door. Instead of door disappearing, it blows up and hits Bella in the head, fortunately knocking her out.)
Bella: (passed out of floor)
Monika: (stares at Bella) … I'm okay with this. Are you?
Emi: Actually, I'd much rather Bella be (mouth moves differently from what she says) put into a pile of cookies and milk and drown.
Monika and Edward: (staring agape at Emi)
Edward: I totally agree!
Monika: If you agree with us, then why did you put up with her in the book?
Edward: … Now see, that wasn't my fault. It was all Stephanie Meyer's idea.
Emi: That makes sense. You're forgiven. For now.
Monika: On to the next question! Now, I know it's not really a question, but when you glitter … It's so pretty.
Emi: You glitter! … Like a woman!
Edward: Am I a pretty woman?
Emi: … You're beautiful.
Edward: (giggles like a schoolgirl. No, I'm kidding he doesn't. He really does this: ) … Thank you? … I think?
Emi: Do you smell like a woman, too?
Edward: … I never really thought about that. (sniffs himself) … I don't know. You smell me.
Emi: (looks at Monika)
Monika: Don't look at me. I've got Cedric! Who coincidentally looks like Edward here.
Emi: (shrugs and sniffs Edward) … You smell like … chocolate.
Edward: Excuse me?
Emi: Sorry, I'm hungry. Can I have my shopping list back? (Edward hands her shopping list) Professor Lupin! I'm hungry.
Lupin: Oh, alright, alright. (takes shopping list and leaves)
Monika: I think this is a fabulous time for a commercial break!
Edward: Hey, that's my line.
Commercial Break! :D
(Laurent standing in the spotlight)
Announcer: So you want to go vegetarian?
(Laurent nods)
Announcer: Tired of your friends picking on you?
(Laurent thinks about James and Victoria and nods again)
Announcer: Then have we got the reality T.V. show for you! Changing Your Habits has everything you need to change your outlook on life. It's exactly like the American show, The Biggest Loser, only you're not losing anything! So won't you come join the family?
(Laurent smiles and gives a thumbs-up)
Laurent: I'M ready to change my habits. Are YOU?
--
(Emi and Monika are sitting with Jasper)
Monika: Jasper, how come you can keep everyone else calm, but you can't keep calm yourself?
Jasper: I AM CALM!
Emi: Ooou, looks like (sing-songy) somebody needs anger management classes!
Jasper: I need no such classes!
Monika: Aww, Jazzy, you know you need some. (pokes Jasper's arm)
Jasper: I DO NOT! STOP BUGGING ME!
Emi: You're yelling again …
Monika: Okay, okay, fine. Then how about you try out this new product: Anger Management In A Bottle! (hands Jasper a bottle-shaped stress ball)
Emi: It's guaranteed to make you feel better in no time! Just don't eat it.
Jasper: (squeezes stress ball) Hey, I feel better already! This is a really good product!
Monika: See? Living proof! Well … sort of. YOU GET THE POINT!
Jasper: Everyone should try this! It made me feel better! (cheesy grin and thumbs up toward camera)
End Commercial Break! :D
Monika: Now we're back with the show!
Emi: Now we have one last question for you, Edward.
Edward: Go for it.
Emi: It might make you a little uncomfortable.
Edward: Okay …
Emi: Okay, really uncomfortable.
Edward: Just ask the question, woman!
Emi: (throws stress ball at Edward) It worked for Jasper! (smiles)
Edward: Um … Okay?
Emi: See? It's working already!
Monika: Okay, enough with the subliminal messaging already! Ask the question!
Emi: Jeez, everybody needs anger management classes!
Everyone in audience and cast: ASK THE DARNDED QUESTION ALREADY!
Emi: Okay! Okay! Jeez! So Edward … HOW ON EARTH CAN YOU GET BELLA PREGNANT?!
Edward: What?
Emi: You don't have freaking blood! You need blood for the yeah … And then the yeah has to … Do that thing!
Monika: Just like Will Turner! And his half-dead baby! (Reference to Pirates of the Caribbean. Will be explained in the next interview.)
Edward: I don't understand the question …
Emi: I thought you excelled in Biology. (Reference to Twilight movie, when they got the Golden Onion)
Edward: I DO, but not at that stuff!
Emi: … Edward, I need to have a nice, little talk with you, about the birds and the bees.
Monika: Seriously, though, here's her website:
Stephanie Meyer's site
Check that out. I mean, it doesn't even make any sense! (Look for "Vampires and Pregnancy)
Emi: Yeah, that's a bunch of bull—
Please stand by! …
Elevator music
Emi: Okay, now we're back!
Edward: (looking slightly repulsed) I never thought of it that way …
Emi: Well, now you know. Thanks for joining us, Edward. We really appreciate it.
Edward: (nods, still looking slightly repulsed)
Monika: Well, that's all we have for you today, folks! Next week: Bella's interview!
Emi: (sarcastically) Oh, that should be TONS of fun.
Carlisle: Are you sure you shouldn't just call it a torture-fest instead of an interview?
Monika and Emi: Shush! You'll blow our cover!
Carlisle: Come to think of it … I don't like her much either.
Edward: My point exactly.
Emi: Anyway, it's been real great seeing you guys again! We missed you! We still have to interview Snape … Hmm … Well, whichever comes first! Bye now!
Lupin: Okay, I have your food.
Emi: Oh, goody! (pounches on Lupin)
A/N: Okay, people. This is nonsense, really. We're just having a little fun with the characters. Because honestly, we LIKE the characters. Except Bella. We don't like Bella. Sorry. So anyway, we just wanted to warn you that if you either like Bella and can't take a joke, or you're completely obsessed with Twilight and think that everything has to be perfect, 1: You're in for a disappointment. 2: Don't read these anymore. We're just having fun. It's not meant as disrespect. But if you do like this, let us know! :D