AUTHOR'S NOTE
I do not own Harry Potter.
Real life has had me down recently, and I've always enjoyed reading these kinds of fics, so I thought I'd write my own as a bit of light hearted fun and stress relief. It is a oneshot and complete.
For many hundreds of years, it had been the duty of the Sorting Hat to sort the students into the Houses that would be their family for the next seven years, and, most likely, affect them for the rest of their lives.
Of course, being a hundreds of years old hat, there were some Sortings that seemed… odd. Over hundreds of years, mistakes could be made.
What the Hat did not like, however, was being told where students absolutely must go, for the good of all.
He was still angry when Professor McGonagall called up the first student.
"Abbot, Hannah."
The first ones were often nervous, and Abbot, Hannah, a slightly chubby girl with blonde pigtails, was no different.
"Hm. Timid. Lots of compassion. Far too trusting."
"Please, I want to be in Hufflepuff like my mum."
"Hufflepuff would coddle you. Better be…"
GRYFFINDOR!
A little bemused, the girl lifted off the hat and hurried away to her new house.
"Bones, Susan!"
An athletic looking girl with coppery red hair. In a few years she might be quite the looker, not that an enchanted hat cared about that kind of thing.
"Ambitious, but too shy to act on it."
GRYFFINDOR!
"Boot, Trevor!"
"Muggleborn. Clever. Needs to get out more."
HUFFLEPUFF!
"Brocklehurst, Mandy!"
"Ah, another clever one. Such a desire to learn. Needs to toughen up and stop being such a baby."
GRYFFINDOR!
"Brown, Lavender!"
"One who needs to learn how to study."
RAVENCLAW!
The blue and bronze House cheered for their new Housemate as she hurried over to join them.
"Bulstrode, Millicent!"
"Hmph. Tough girl."
"Please, my family expects me to be in Slytherin."
"Bah. You need to make some friends."
HUFFLEPUFF!
"Corner, Michael!"
"Another ambitious one I see. Clever too. I'm sure they can make the most of you in-"
GRYFFINDOR!
"Cornfoot, Stephen."
A weedy looking, bespectacled boy.
"Think yourself a leader do you boy? Ah, you like helping others learn. Well, I'm sure you can do well this year in your new House of-"
HUFFLEPUFF!
"Crabbe, Vincent!"
"Sweet Merlin, do you have anything inside this skull of yours?"
"Need to be in Slytherin. Stay with Draco."
"Nonsense. You need to pick up a book. You might learn something."
RAVENCLAW!
"Davis, Tracey."
Another sporty looking girl, this one with short black hair.
"A lot of feelings of inadequacy here, and a need to prove yourself. You'll find people who accept you for you in-"
HUFFLEPUFF!
"Dunbar, Fay!"
"Good grief, zero to fifty! Slow down girl!"
RAVENCLAW!
"Entwhistle, Kevin!"
"Muggleborn I see. So full of wonder and a desire to know about the world around you. You'll find more wonder in-"
GRYFFINDOR!
"Finch-Fletchley, Justin!"
"Could do to learn the value of hard work."
RAVENCLAW!
"Finnigan, Seamus!"
"Something interesting at least! You're a menace! Better send you somewhere they can watch out for you."
HUFFLEPUFF!
"Goldstein, Anthony!"
"Burning desire to learn, no, you cannot take me apart! Let's see how you like it!"
GRYFFINDOR!
"Goyle, Gregory!"
"Oh, hail sweet Morgana, not another one! I think I'm losing IQ points just by being on your head! Well, we can't have two of you being stupid together, that just wouldn't do. No, for you Mr Goyle, it'll be-"
HUFFLEPUFF!
"And take the boy away from me!"
"Granger, Hermione!"
"Oh my. You like to hide behind your books, don't you Miss Granger?"
"Books never hurt anyone."
"No, they didn't. But you can't be doing that for another seven years. Oh no. Ravenclaw's definitely out. You need some friends, but you could do with livening up a bit. Or maybe you want a challenge."
"What kind of challenge?"
"A great one."
The girl thought about it, but the Hat could sense she had already made her decision.
SLYTHERIN!
There was no applause from the silver and green House for their new member, but then the Hat never expected there to be. Slowly, Miss Granger put it back on the stool and walked over to join her new House with her head held high.
"Greengrass, Daphne!"
A pretty, blonde haired girl who was definitely going to be a beautiful one when she got older.
"Lots of ambition here, but what's this? My my, you were deceiving them all. You never wanted to play the game did you Miss Greengrass? How about I help you along with that?"
"Oh, can you?"
"Absolutely. Off you go to-"
GRYFFINDOR!
The girl hurried away, looking very pleased with herself.
"Hopkins, Wayne!"
"Is it just me or is this taking longer than normal?"
RAVENCLAW!
"Jones, Megan!"
"Hm. Sweet girl. Hardworking I see. Wants to make the world a better place. How far would you go for that Miss Jones?"
"Not Slytherin, please not Slytherin."
"Coward. How are you ever going to improve the world like that? Very well then."
GRYFFINDOR!
"Li, Su!"
"Nice and easy. Teamwork's not as useless as you think it is Miss Li. Make some friends."
HUFFLEPUFF!
"Longbottom, Neville!"
"What did Hufflepuff do to you Mr Longbottom?"
"I don't want to disappoint grandmother."
"Yes yes, I'm sure you want to make her proud, but there's no pleasing some people Mr Longbottom, and maybe you've found your own idea of bravery."
"I can't believe she managed to walk over there. I want to be as brave as she is."
"I think I can grant you that wish."
SLYTHERIN!
"MacDougal, Morag!"
"Another one who needs to take her head out the books and make some friends."
HUFFLEPUFF!
"Macmillan, Ernest!"
"Very hardworking, aren't you Mr Macmillan? Willing to move mountains to get what you want. I don't think I've met someone so boring in a long time. Do something exciting once in a while!"
GRYFFINDOR!
"Malfoy, Draco!"
"Slytherin!"
"Just for that I'll have you in-"
GRYFFINDOR!
"What?" screamed the boy. "No! Take that back!"
"Mr Malfoy, go and join your Housemates," said McGonagall.
"I will, when I'm put in the right one! I'm a born Slytherin!"
"Nonsense. You have been sorted, now go and sit down. We'll talk about this later."
"But-"
"Sit, Mr Malfoy."
He stormed off with a mutter of 'when my father hears about this.'
"Malone, Roger!"
"Needs to learn some humility."
RAVENCLAW!
"Moon, Lily!"
"Are you afraid of everything girl? Grow a spine!"
GRYFFINDOR!
"Nott, Theodore!"
"Devious thoughts Mr Nott, but they won't be expecting you in-"
HUFFLEPUFF!
"Parkinson, Pansy!"
"Not much between your ears, is there?"
"I'm going to be Lady Malfoy; I don't need to be a brainiac."
"Merlin save me from the morons. Go away and do some reading."
RAVENCLAW!
"Patil, Padma!"
"Clever little thing aren't you?"
"I- I want something that can challenge me."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Finally! One with some backbone!"
SLYTHERIN!
"Patil, Parvati!"
"Wait. Didn't I just- Oh, that was your sister?"
"Please, I'd like to be with her."
"Oh? That's not what you thought a moment ago."
"No, but I can't leave her there alone."
"Oh ho, two in a row with some backbone! That attitude would do you well in Gryffindor Miss Sociality."
"I want to stay with Padma!"
"If you insist."
SLYTHERIN!
"Perks, Sally-Anne!"
"I knew my streak was too good to be true! Make friends with Miss Moon, grow a backbone, and have some fun! Merlin!"
GRYFFINDOR!
"Potter, Harry!"
Whispers ran around the hall.
"Potter, did she say?"
"The Harry Potter?"
"Is that him?"
"Harry Potter."
"The Boy Who Lived."
He didn't look like much, the Boy Who Lived, scrawny with lopsided glasses and a terrible haircut.
"A little disappointing for Dumbledore's great hero, I must say."
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"Disappointing you."
"Bah. Little suck up. Let's see shall we? Not what I expected, no, not what I expected at all. Well, we can't have you in Gryffindor; that's exactly what Albus wants."
"Hufflepuff sounds nice?"
"Hufflepuff? After all the hardship you're used to! I thought you might be another one for a challenge."
"You mean…"
"But if that's what you want…"
"You know better what you're doing."
"I knew you'd see it my way!"
SLYTHERIN!
There was quiet for a moment, and then a brief smattering of applause came from the snakes for their newest member as he walked over to join the other first years.
"Rivers, Oliver!"
"Cut it out with the pity act!"
GRYFFINDOR!
"Roper, Sophie!"
"Well, that's really quite rude, isn't it?"
HUFFLEPUFF!
"Smith, Sally!"
"Stop dreaming and put something on paper!"
RAVENCLAW!
"Smith, Zacharias!"
"Well, here's a selfish little prig."
"Hufflepuff."
"No, I don't think so."
"My family is descended from Helga Hufflepuff herself; we're always Hufflepuffs."
"And Helga would be disappointed in you. Rowena would have whipped you into shape though."
RAVENCLAW!
"Thomas, Dean!"
"Did you know my pa?"
"What sort of an opening question is that?"
"Sorry, that were rude, wasn't it?"
"Hufflepuff might teach you some manners."
"I'm sorry."
"I do have one other option, with your good nature and bravery. How much do you like a challenge Mr Thomas?"
"How hard would it be?"
SLYTHERIN!
"Turpin, Lisa!"
"Oh good, we're at least near the end. You rely too much on your natural intelligence, put some work in."
HUFFLEPUFF!
"Weasley, Ronald!"
"Oh Merlin, not another Weasley."
"I should be with Harry, but I'm not sure about Slytherin."
"No, I don't think that's the place for you."
"Maybe you could resort him and put us both in Gryffindor?"
"If you had any intelligence, you'd know my decision was final."
RAVENCLAW!
"But-"
"Go and join your House Mr Weasley," said McGonagall.
"But I'm a Weasley! We're always Gryffindors!"
"You need to put in some work. Ravenclaw!" snapped the Hat.
"But-"
"Ravenclaw, or I'll resort you to the Durmstrang Institute. They don't tolerate slackers there."
The boy sloped sulkily away.
"Zabini, Blaise!"
"Oh good, you're the last one. What to do with you, what to do with you? Let me see…"
HUFFLEPUFF!
Finally, the duty of the Sorting Hat was over for another year, though some of its decisions seemed odd to some. Two men in particular were most displeased with the Sorting of the new First Years, but the decision stood, and the fate of Hogwarts School and Magical Britain had been forever changed…