Speedy

So, sometimes, I feel that the universe hates me.

I say universe not multiverse, though for all I know the multiverse could hate my guts as well. But then, physicists can never seem to decide how many alternate universes there are meant to be – sometimes there's 52. Sometimes there's 53. Sometimes there's thousands, and sometimes there's so many that it's impossible to count. Like, I don't know how they're meant to count it at all, but ever since the kryptonians showed up, alternate universes have been in vogue. Maybe it's the whole "surely it's better in other universes, right?" I mean, since 2013, it's kind of been one disaster after another here. Metropolis gets levelled. Midway City gets levelled. More cities than I can count get levelled by tidal waves. And I might be able to take that if I'm not reminded of the fact that yes, the universe hates me.

Should have picked that up sooner y'know. I mean, my mum gets killed by yellow lightning, and I figure the only way I'm still alive is because of red lightning. As fascinating it would be to discuss whether other colours of lightning exist, doesn't change the fact that, no, my mum's dead, and my dad's been incarcerated for it. Course, I mentioned the whole lightning thing, but the people kept saying it was "trauma" or "he's just a kid" or "he's lying to save his dad's skin." I can't help but wonder if my mum died two decades later, I might have had an easier time convincing them. Like, even if I was still five years old, homicidal lightning bolts might be easier to swallow in a world of aliens, super zombies, and fish people.

Fun fact: More people die from lightning strikes each year than they do from terrorist attacks. I can't help but wonder if my mum died from both.

Anyway, I managed to stomach it. Somehow I even ended up working for the same people that put my dad away. Of course, that was after I was reminded that the universe hates me. Y'see, if nothing else, up to 2017, I could claim to be the fastest man alive. Or fastest person I guess, because I haven't seen any girls chasing after me through the Speed Force. Like, I can't deny that it's kind of cathartic to put bad guys in their place, or never be late for anything again. Suit's kind of a pain to put on (I like to imagine that in an alternate universe, an alternate me got a team to work with that had a fashionista onboard), but meh, it looks cool. But of course, everything changed when Bruce Wayne came barging in and basically said "you're the Flash, I know you're the Flash, I need you to act like Sonic the Hedgehog, only with a more consistent level of quality that doesn't involve kissing princesses." Like, he didn't actually say that, but I got the gist – especially since this guy dresses up like a bat (hello Rouge), and probably has an eye for an Amazonian princess (is she a princess? Bit vague on that), but whatever, signed up to fight the good fight. To fight for truth, justice, and the American way…though I don't know what the "American way" actually is, and…okay, more like "survival, survival, and survival" against an alien guy whose motivations seemed to be "I'm evil."

Seriously, what's with it with aliens being bad guys? You telling me that there's not a single alien in the universe that said "hey, maybe I'll be something other than a jackass?"

And y'know what? I could live with that. Only "living" is the key word. Because along the way, we decided that Superman needed to come back to life, because apparently we all have self-esteem issues. And hey, I get it – god among men and all that. What I don't get though, is why the universe decided that I needed to be put down even further. Because not only Clark Kent, a.k.a. Superman, a.k.a. "most OP hero ever," is the…well, what I just said, but among all those things, he's fast. Really fast. Like, at least as fast as me. So, at best, I'm only the fastest human alive. And he can do all that while still being, among other things, invulnerable.

I'm not invulnerable. I'm fast, but a bullet will still stop me if it hits me. I mean, just saying.

So, I figure, with Superman being back, and no-one questioning the reappearance of Clark Kent, I could at least be the hero Central City deserves, if not the one it needs (or is that the other way round?), and keep dealing with petty crime (I'll have to ask Bruce the next time I see him). It's odd, really – I figure a superhero being in a city should cause a drop in crime, but while that's true of Metropolis (which was rebuilt really quickly after the kryptonian invasion, come to think of it), it sure as hell isn't true of Gotham. I guess we lesser mortals can only just hope to stem the tide. But least it's fun.

Or it was fun. Because a few days ago, I saw footage of another hero that's come to town. And before we go on, I want to question who the heck thought they could market "the Flash" as a toy and put it among every other hero of the Justice League. No-one asked me. Course they'd have to find me, but still, no-one even tried as far as I'm aware. Internet and TV is a thing people. But…oh, right. Cape guy. Lightning guy. Seriously, he's even got a lightning bolt on his oh so muscular abs, and, y'know, lightning isn't my schtick at all. But among other things, among the lightning, and the super strength, and the ability to fight bad guys in a city while inflicting only a minimum of collateral damage (though some police reports indicate he's stolen from ATMs), he's got…wait for it…wait for it…wait for it…

You still waiting? Are you?

Wouldn't have to wait if you had what I have. What he has.

Still haven't got it?

Yep, you guessed it. Super speed.

Like, seriously? First Superman comes and upends the "fastest man alive," and now I'm not even the fastest human alive. No. That's at least tied with by this guy – this "Shaddam" or "Shazam," or whatever the heck he's called. Also, if it is "Shazam," and that's an acronym, shouldn't it be "S.H.A.Z.A.M.?" And what's it even an acronym for hero. "Stupid Hero Against Zebras and Mules?" I mean, dunno why he'd be against those things, but not much even starts with Z, but…

Oh God I've lost it. The universe hates me so much that I've been psychologically damaged and lost it.

Someday, sometime, I'd like to get a victory of my own. Like, it can even be another speedster, only a bad guy, and one I can beat, and have something outside "Flash captures Captain Boomerang." Because if the high point of your career is catching an Aussie bank thief who doesn't even have an Aussie accent, then your status as a superhero…well, it's not exactly saving the world from an invasion of the fish people (suck it, Lovecraft). I mean, he can wear blue, or black, or purple, or, heck, any colour apart from yellow. And if you don't know why, you haven't been paying attention.

You don't know why? You've forgotten? Seriously?!

Okay, let's start over. Ahem…

So, sometimes, I feel the universe hates me…

A/N

So, saw the recent (as of this time of writing) trailer for Shazam!. Shazam has super speed. Barry's been negated in the DCEU even further. Poor guy hasn't even got his own film yet. Still, maybe the CW show makes up for that.

Dunno, drabbled this up regardless.