A/N: A little thing that just came to me. Set during Regina and Emma's goodbye from the end of 3x11, where a public goodbye wasn't enough for Regina.
Written while listening to Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy, give it a listen while you read it :)
"So this is it… goodbye." Emma shifted from foot to foot, not one for major displays of emotion.
"Come with me, just for a moment." Regina looked up into her eyes, with a look of such deep sorrow and desperation that there isn't a way on earth that Emma could have said no.
Emma followed Regina off the path where her family and the others stood, into the woods. About 20 metres in, Regina stopped and sat on the floor.
"What the hell are you doing? You're going to get your coat dirty." Emma questioned, looking down at the brunette with furrowed brows and a confused expression.
"This is hardly the time, Miss Swan. Just sit down, will you?" Regina looked at her, exasperated, and patted the ground beside her lightly. Sighing, Emma joined her, and sat cross-legged so that she was facing Regina.
"So go on then, shoot. What did you want to say?" Emma asked, feeling a pang of nerves deep in the pit of her stomach. There had been times, over her months spent in Storybrooke, where she had wished for this to happen. For Regina to want to talk to her; to be with her. Emma had, however, passed them off as fleeting moments of insanity, brought on by the dizzying surroundings and her occasional need for human intimacy.
"I…" Regina began, looking at her hands. She wasn't sure what had persuaded her that this was a good idea; she was acting like some kind of madwoman, sitting in the middle of the forest with a woman she had despised. Had being the operative word. "I'm going to miss you."
"Sure," Emma answered simply, "You'll miss me fighting you over Henry, trying to outsmart you, trying to take him off you,"
"Really, Emma." Regina interrupted, sincerely, still looking at the ground between her shins. "I'm going to miss you. I know over our time spent together we haven't exactly always got along, camaraderie for Henry's sake aside. But I can't deny that I've had… feelings for you. It got ridiculous; merely seeing you crossing the street could bring butterflies inside me that I haven't felt in a very long time. Even if Henry was out of the equation, the thought of waking up in a place that you have no part of makes me feel ill. I wasn't aware that my heart had remained unbroken after everything that's happened over these past years, but it had done. I didn't know what a broken heart felt like until right now. This is all completely unfathomable, I know, and I honestly don't know why I'm telling you all this, but sometimes things just need to be said. Before it's too late."
Regina finally met Emma's eyes; two eyeballs boring deep into her soul. It was as if, in that moment, Emma could see everything that Regina was. All her memories, her hopes, her fears, her pain, her anger. That one look had revealed more to Emma than all her time with Regina ever had done before.
"All I have ever had was Henry, and now there's something else that I want: that I can never have. It's a good job Storybrooke will cease to exist, because honestly I don't know how if I would be able to continue here without you; with all the memories but none of the substance." Regina sighed. "This is all a pointless exercise, I know; give it a minute or two and you won't remember a word I've said, or anything else about me."
"It's not pointless." Emma finally cut off Regina, still sitting awkwardly on the floor of the woods, picking up a stick to her side and running it across the ground. "I don't… I'm not sure how to process this. Say I felt the same. Where would that leave us? Me and Henry still have to leave, I still have to forget everything that's happened." Emma stands up abruptly, and begins pacing the small area around where Regina is sat. "This is so unfair, all of it is so unfair. Our son, Regina. -Our- son will have no idea who you are. And then there's you and me; who knows what could have happened if this hadn't had to fucking ruin everything." Emma shouted the last part of this a little too loudly, and threw the stick she was still holding as far into the dark forest as she could.
Regina stood aside as Emma continued to shout, picking up debris and throwing it further into the wilderness. She wondered why she herself wasn't more angry; she was more upset than she could take, but where was the ever-present burning rage she normally felt in situations like this? It shocked Regina, being the calm one in a situation. As Emma leaned dejectedly against a near tree stump, breathing heavily with defeated tears stinging in her eyes, Regina crossed over to her.
She took the blonde's hand, and began to faintly draw circles on the palm. Both women looked at their hands, mesmerised, as if for a second they didn't belong to their own bodies, and they were simply by-standers in someone else's situation.
A few heartbeats passed, with both still stood transfixed. Regina was the first to break the silence, taking a long, deep breath in before closing the gap between them with her lips. It was a short kiss; simultaneously sweet and pained. It was without any of the hope and promise that a deep kiss provided, with both of them understanding it was too late for that. As both of them pulled away, Emma put one hand around the back of Regina's neck, stroking it carefully.
"Regina, I…" Emma began, closing her eyes and searching deep within her for the courage to say it out loud.
"Don't say it." Regina let a tear escape from the corner of her eyelid, sliding silently down her cheek. "If you say it, it means… it will be that much harder for me to do this. I don't want the memory of you telling me you love me before having to walk away from you forever." Emma herself began to cry again, covering her mouth with her arm and sniffing.
"Think of me. Please. When it's not too painful, think of me and Henry and how happy you've made us. And think of how much I… do. I really do, Regina." Emma kissed her again; desperately, wantingly, as if this one kiss could save all of the pain and heartache the two of them felt.
"I love you, Emma. Even though you won't remember it. If only things had been different."
"If things had been different, we wouldn't have met." Emma considered, looking to the side of her with a glazed look in her eye. "I'm glad we did, though. Even if I only have this memory for a little while longer, I'm glad we did."
Regina silently took Emma's hand once again, and led her back through the woods. Rejoining the group, no-one said anything to the two women holding hands, and it was only once all other goodbyes were over, and Emma and Henry were beginning their walk over to the Bug, that Regina said anything else.
"If only."