Eddy vs. Winnie the Pooh
BY MozzoJijo
The door slammed shut enough to slender a bolt of dents that almost covered it in its entirety.
"Stupid fucking Kevin, stupid fucking jawbreakers, I OUGHT TO CUT OFF HIS NIPPLES AND SELL THEM IN THE MARKET FOR A GRAND EACH! TWICE THE AMOUT EBAY IS WILLING TO OFFER!" yelled Eddy vigorously, approaching his bed.
The remote control was at his side, begging him to open the vault of TV programming guaranteed to erase a memory or two. It worked for homework assignments; a situation like this would be just as convenient.
Eddy turned the switch on. All that seemed to be featured was Winnie the Pooh. Eddy groaned menacingly as he pressed the channel button.
Strangely enough, the channel didn't budge.
Eddy pressed it a couple times more, to the point he was jumping on the remote like a trampoline on a sunny day. He gave in and tried changing the channels manually.
Making no difference, Eddy painfully knew that as he almost smashed the TV, aggressively massaging the tension from his eye sockets.
"WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT?" Eddy bellowed as he continued to hear the annoyance of the song.
"WINNIE THE POOH, I LOVE YOU!" sang the same verse twenty times per minute, with almost no end to it. It kept spinning through Eddy's mind, fusing into his pupils at one point as he was transported into a twilight zonian world where the song conquered his visual psychosis, colors of the words swirling into a vortex of mediocre music.
Echoing into the nonexistent abyss to make sure Eddy knew it and nothing more. Shaking his empathy away from the flesh, Eddy punched the TV screen like a mirror of his own pitifully conformist reflection.
"Enough." Eddy wincingly grunted as he held the relays of his TV's insides, in between all that broken glass and tangled wires.
The song slowly died away, and so did Eddy's pain as he adapted a malevolent smile which slowly grew to take up what remain of his head.
It was a smile that he cherished as he dropped the parts and walked into his closet.
Opening it, he entered a side of the wall and scraped part of it off until hidden words behind all that paint reading "Secret room" were visible. He pressed each letter in an ambiguous order, which made the walls shift into a mechanical opening of another dark room.
A shocking discovery to amaze anyone except Eddy's accustomed ire was lit into view as soon as Eddy switched the lights on.
Each wall, nine feet in perimeter, was adorned with a variety of pistol enthused weapons. Eddy had everything: from grenades to grenade launchers, from flair guns to magnum .68s, from shotguns and Tommies to .196 Caliber Carcano rifles and Multi proficiency 500 m effective range Bushmasters.
"Ba ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !" Laughed Eddy maniacally without shame at the clutch of his favorite choice: The LWRC M6A2 Tricon International with a 14.7 inch barrel and spiral fluting.
He promised himself he would wait for a special occasion to make the bullets on this one worth it.
Now came the time at long last as he cocked it once but at the same time like there was no tomorrow.
CHK-CHK!
(Meanwhile at Pooh's penthouse)
"All right, listen 'ere, Tigger! If that fucking excuse of a rodent don't got the dough by Eleven at moonshine, go a'ead and tell the bloody Lepus and that ratpack family of 'is I'll burn 'is fucking garden with them in it after I get all ´em carrots shoved the medieval approach up 'is rabbit 'ole, got that?" said the sunglasses bearing Pooh to the phone in one hand while a bottle of whiskey fizzed to the ground in the other.
"And do get me another squeeze, poor bloke Robinson's Mum needs 'er prostate checked after last night. Stupid cunt, can't 'ave a party or keep the back door open at the same fucking…"
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!
"…Time? mm?" said Pooh as he heard the banging coming from the backdoor.
Once he approached, it seemed silent enough to assume that same person might have departed from their first try. At least that's what Pooh doubted that very second.
"I've waited LONG ENOUGH!" Yelled Eddy, who for some reason, stood fifteen feet away from the very entrance he'd physically requested entrance from.
"What the?..." said Pooh before hearing seconds later a hissing type of sound. His confusion made him correctly amount to the worst of what was going on.
"OH…MY…!" Yelled Pooh before realizing what was on the brink of happening.
"JUMP!"
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
A fifth of Pooh's condo, at least its backside, was now falling in flames and ashes after the dynamite opened it up. It took maybe a minute for Pooh to realize that apart from the smoke, the coast was clear from his cover.
And once even the smoke was blown away by the gentle breeze, Pooh could only see the one kid that managed to destroy it. His glare somehow reminded the orange bastard of a worthy opponent he'd deserved without a familiar, economic or even harrowingly emotional cause of retribution.
The situation was justified maybe except for dominating the cable in his already miserable life, giving Pooh little the less reason to smile in pursuit. He wanted this ill will the same way a forty year old virgin wanted a twenty year old bitch.
"Knock KNOCK!" Yelled Eddy as soon as he knew the smoke had no part in Pooh attacking his heated eye contact.
To be continued…
0_O….WHAT THE FUCK WAS I ON WHEN I WROTE THIS?!