Title: Consult Your Doctor Before Use
Author: Kookaburra
Beta: okami_myrrhibis
Rating: R to be safe
Summary: Hound is incorrigible; Mirage wonders why he puts up with him.
Warnings: Two robots that use male pronouns trying to get it on.
Author's Note: Please stick around after the fic to read my little PSA about the medical device used in this fic.
"What is that?"
Hound grinned sheepishly up at Mirage, who was staring at the tiny box in his hands.
"It's a human repair device." He dropped his voice to conspiratory whisper. "Ratchet ordered it for when Sparkplug is here, in case he collapses again. It came in a day early; I spotted it in the mail. I thought we might have some fun with it, first." Hound watched in amusement as conflicting emotions chased themselves across Mirage's face.
When Hound had finally been able to get the spy to their berth, Mirage had proven to be very inexperienced in the more exciting activities available and had greeted any suggestion that they use electrical devices to enhance the experience with affront.
Hound had soon shown him many carnal delights that were available to mechs without a titanium rod for a backstrut, but despite always enjoying himself Mirage still acted scandalized whenever Hound brought up something that was the least little bit –what was that human term?- oh yeah, spicy.
"What does it… do?" The blue and white spy poked the box cautiously with his finger. The bright yellow box had red reflective letters emblazoned across the front: "AED" below that was a symbol Mirage had learned the humans used for their main fuel pumps, with a jagged glyph for "electricity" superimposed on it. Across the bottom a line of text informed him that an "AUTOMATIC EXTERNAL DEFIBRILLATOR" was inside.
"I'm, ah, I'm not sure. Apparently they regulate their internal pump by electrical impulses, and sometimes those impulses get out of sync. This is supposed to get the signals sorted out somehow. By …electricity." Hound tried to sound lascivious and arranged his face into what he thought was a very dashing smile. Mirage merely cocked an eye ridge in amusement.
"You're hopeless, you know that? Do you ever not think with your resistors?" asked Mirage. "Hound, you've brought quite a few odd things to berth, but this is really the limit. It's a device for saving lives and you want to use it to overload?" Hound at least had the decency to look abashed.
"Well, maybe we could make sure it works?" He put on his best pleading face, one that Mirage had so far never been able to resist. "I mean, what if Sparkplug collapsed again and it didn't work, because we'd never tested it?"
"I'm sure Ratchet will know how to test the device. You're not bringing that thing into my berth."
"We don't have use your berth. The floor will do just fine. Or your desk. Or-"
"Hound!"
After a few moments of a stare-down, Mirage released overheated air from his vents in a whoosh, and relented. "Alright! Alright! I'll help you get your charge off your resistors, but you're not using it on me! You'll probably fry your circuits, and if you think I'm going to drag your sorry bumper to the repair ward-!"
Grinning, Hound swooped in and cut Mirage off with a quick, forceful kiss. "Oh, I think once you see how much fun I'm having you'll reconsider." Mirage only harrumphed and gave the box another poke.
"So how does it work?" Hound turned the box around and around in his hands. The latches on it were made for tiny human fingers, but at last he managed to flip them loose, and an internal spring opened and held the lid up. Inside was a tangle of two wires with large, rectangular foam pads on the ends, and a plastic gray unit with a giant red button that said "START/ON". Mirage gently took the box from Hound and set it on the decking, then knelt down beside it. Hound sank to his knees as well.
"There doesn't seem to be any instructions."
"Well, let's see what this button does." Hound pushed the red button.
"I don't think-"
"TESTING UNIT, CONTINUE CPR" the loud mechanical voice made both mechs jump. "TESTING UNIT, CONTINUE CPR"
"CPR, what's that?" Hound wondered.
"Hound, it's too loud, someone will hear!" Mirage said desperately.
"Nonsense, they didn't hear last week when we were playing with that taser."
"The taser wasn't as loud as this!"
"No, but you were!" Hound teased. "Remember how much fun that was? Well, this has more charge, so it will be better!"
"UNIT READY, ATTACH ELECTRODES"
"What's it talking about, Hound?" Mirage asked. Since it was obvious that Hound was going to go through with this mad plan, he wanted to get it over with as soon as he could.
"I think it's these things." Hound lifted out the tangle of wires. "See, there's a little picture of where you're supposed to stick them."
"UNIT READY, ATTACH ELECTRODES"
"Hound, we really shouldn't do this…"
"Nonsense, look, they're tiny and made for humans. How big of a shock could it be?"
"UNIT READY, ATTACH ELECTRODES"
Hound grabbed the electrodes and very carefully peeled off the backing from the one that was (judging from the picture on it) supposed to go on his upper right thorax. He stuck the tiny thing to his armor. The cords were stretched as far as they could go so he lifted up the box and handed it to Mirage. "You hold it; I think it's supposed to be used by a human on the ground." He repeated the process for the other electrode, following the instructions and sticking this one on his left side.
"ANALYZING HEART RHYTHM, DO NOT TOUCH PATIENT"
Hound and Mirage waited anxiously to see what would happen.
"NO SHOCK ADVISED, CONTINUE CPR"
"What went wrong?" Hound wondered.
"You should be asking 'What went right?' Even the machine doesn't think you should use it!" Mirage protested.
"No, there must be something we can do. Maybe it's broken." Hound immediately called up a wireless connection to Teletraan-1 and ran a web search for "AED Operation". After a quick browse of the American Heart Association website, he had his answer.
"ANALYZING HEART RHYTHM, DO NOT TOUCH PATIENT"
"It only gives shocks when there's a certain electrical rhythm in the heart." He explained. "I found a cardiogram of a rhythm it will shock; I bet I can simulate it." He concentrated on creating electrical impulses along his plating that matched the chart he had found called "ventricular tachycardia".
He oscillated his circuits under the pads, upping the frequency to 120 cycles a minute. Just this alone was creating a tingle in his outer plating. He would have to try this with Mirage and see what happ-
"SHOCK ADVISED, CLEAR PATIENT"
"Hound - " Mirage reached forward. He had reached the end of his patience with the endeavor and was going to rip the electrodes right off of Hound's plating.
ZAP
Hound's world went white. Powerful current ripped through his frame, he felt it exit and reenter his circuits where Mirage's hands were, he could dimly hear someone yelling, but he didn't know if it was Mirage or himself. The current was too much, too good, so good it was painful. He couldn't stop the oscillation subroutine he had set up in his plating, and the current just made the frequency increase.
ZAP
The second pulse ripped through the two mechs; Hound felt as if he had been hit with a blaster in his chest at point blank range, his extremities tingled and buzzed with current. He knew he needed to take the electrodes off but his limbs were paralyzed and it hurt - the oscillations were so fast now, too fast, this was such a bad idea-
ZAP
"ANALYZING HEART RHYTHM, DO NOT TOUCH PATIENT"
"NO PULSE DETECTED, CONTINUE CPR"
The disembodied, mechanical voice drifted to Hound's audio receptors. He'd heard that voice before, but where? Slowly relays activated, and he began receiving status reports from his systems. According to his internal stabilizers, he was lying flat on his back, clinging to the floor. But why would he be doing that? He lay still for a few minutes, trying to figure out what had led him to this situation.
"ANALYZING HEART RHYTHM, DO NOT TOUCH PATIENT"
"NO PULSE DETECTED, CONTINUE CPR"
Finally his optics powered up. He was staring at the ceiling of Mirage's quarters. Had he finally realized his lifelong goal and overloaded until he rebooted? Where was Mirage? Would Mirage remember just what they'd been doing? Traces of current still tickled through his frame. He hoped Mirage remembered, because this felt amazing. Even through his stabilizers and optics told him he was lying down, his processor felt like it was flying. Like a little bird. He liked birds. Especially blue jays. Their coloring reminded him of Mirage. Mmmm, Mirage, his little blue jay…. Hound let out a delirious giggle at the thought.
"Unnngh…" A wheel mounted on a blue and white shoulder lifted into view beside him. The rest of Mirage's chassis followed, and the spy simply held himself on his hands and knees for a few moments, trembling. Heh, it looked like whatever they'd done had affected Mirage the same way. Hound allowed himself a moment to preen about his ability in the berth.
"ANALYZING HEART RHYTHM, DO NOT-"
Mirage let out a growl and made a short movement in the direction of the strange voice. The recording immediately cut out, and a weight that Hound had not realized had been tugging at his chest plating was released. Hound tried to say something that would let Mirage know that he was online, but all that came out of his vocalizer was static.
"Hound?" Mirage leaned over him, and gasped as current arced between them when he grabbed Hound's hand. "Hound! Are you alright?"
Once again Hound tried to say something and close his hand over Mirage's, but all that came out was feedback. His arm actuator moved jerkily, and he grabbed for Mirage's hip, missed, and ended up grabbing onto his hood. "Hound!" Hound wanted to frown. There was real fear in Mirage's voice – but why would the spy be scared? Didn't he know that everything was wonderful? And that he needed to let Hound 'face him senseless to make it more wonderful? "Hound, please be alright, please!" Hound noticed that Mirage was quickly ripping what looked like little foam stickers from his plating. But these stickers had wires trailing from them; how odd.
"Mm..Mir…" Hound managed to force some sounds out of his vocalizer, but they were still very staticky.
"I'm here, Hound, I've got you." Mirage lifted Hound's torso carefully, cradling his lover close. Hound liked this quite a bit, and thought idly that he should scare Mirage more often if it would have results like this. "I'm going to call Ratchet –"Mirage stopped as Hound's hand tightened on his and Hound managed to shake his head.
"Nnno…'Raj. Don' n-need Ratchet." He slurred. Hound was having trouble getting his free hand to obey him, and grab Mirage.
"Yes, you do. I know you don't want to get in trouble, but-" Mirage stopped with a shocked intake of air as Hound's hand finally reached its target – a particularly sensitive seam between his pelvic unit and leg actuator.
"Need… you." Hound moaned, turning his head into Mirage's chassis to try and find his anterior sensor array with his mouth.
CLANG
Hound's helm struck the deck plating as Mirage dropped him and stood up suddenly. "You…you libertine!" Mirage practically yelled. "That thing almost kills us and you want to interface?!"
"Always want to swap paint with you, 'Raj." Said Hound muzzily from the floor. He was disappointed that he was no longer being held closely by Mirage, but the view from down here was very nice. He reached out and grabbed at Mirage's leg strut. Mirage tried to kick him away, but it seemed that the spy was having some difficulty with his internal proximity sensors as well. Hound was able to capture the leg easily and ran a hand up to Mirage's thigh. Then something Mirage had said finally penetrated his haze. "Wh-what thing?"
"You know, you're really fortunate that you decided to try your little stunt in my quarters, otherwise I would just leave you to your own diminished devices." Mirage bent over and picked up a small yellow box, and the funny foam stickers with the wires on them. Oh yeah, Hound remembered the box. It had come in the mail, and he had figured out from the symbols that it had something to do with electricity, and…oh.
Oh. Now Hound remembered, and as the excess charge continued to dissipate from his circuits he realized that Mirage would be entirely justified in kicking his stupid aft out of his quarters and letting him find his own way home. He sat up slowly, still clutching Mirage's leg, but with his processor more on staying upright than groping his partner.
"Ugh." Now the hazy, floaty feeling Hound had been enjoying was being replaced by unpleasant churning in his internal systems and an aching processor. "That…wasn't the best idea I've ever had." He looked down at his chassis. Black burn marks marred his green finish, and line of blistered paint zigzagged between the electrode attachment points.
Mirage sat back down beside him, with less than his usual grace. "I feel like Grimlock ran me down." The Ligier moaned. He began to carefully pack away the wires and electrodes, placing the pads back on their wax paper backing and slipping them into a static bag beside the unit. "How on earth can humans survive this thing?"
"They must be tougher than they look." Hound carefully took the tiny box away from Mirage when the spy had finished packing away all of the accessories. Laboriously rising on his knees, he set it on the desk, so that they wouldn't have to worry about crushing it while so disoriented.
Slumping back against Mirage, Hound cycled air through his vents – his internals were still somewhat above normal heat tolerances, and he decided that just concentrating on stopping the spinning in his processor was a good goal for the next few minutes. "Did- did it hurt you?" Hound asked.
"It certainly wasn't comfortable, and the jolt knocked me offline, but I think I'm fine." Mirage answered. "You got most of it, you big idiot. I have a novel idea: let's not use any more electrical devices in ways for which they were certainly not designed anymore. It's a little bit more excitement than I like in my berth life."
Hound chuckled. "Agreed." He lapsed into silence again, this time just enjoying the feel of Mirage's body against his. With every ventilation, the spy's chassis pushed against his, and Hound could feel the vibration of Mirage's finely tuned engine humming deep in his substructure. He twisted around, and wrapped his arms around Mirage, burying his face into the other mech's neck and clasping his hands across Mirage's chest.
"Mmm…" Mirage leaned back into the embrace, clearly enjoying the closeness as much as Hound. Mirage's engine gave an interested rev as Hound nuzzled into the hollow where his neck and shoulder joined.
"Think you can make it to the berth?" Hound asked softly. "Because I certainly can't carry you right now."
Mirage laughed, the sound making Hound's circuits flare more than the strongest electric current ever could. "I think I can manage." Lifting himself to his pedes and out of Hound's embrace, he turned and helped the Jeep stand up as well. They stood swaying in each other's arms for a few moments while their stabilizers regained equilibrium.
"You are incorrigible."
"Hmmm?" Hound endeavored to look as innocent as possible, as if he had not just given the panel that covered Mirage's interface jacks a tweak. Still holding onto each other for support, he and Mirage staggered towards the berth. As they reached it, Hound whispered in Mirage's audio receptor, "You know, I still have that taser with me…"
In retrospect that had been the wrong thing to say, Hound thought sulkily as he made his way unsteadily down the corridor to his own room, and his own very empty berth. It would take quite a bit of wheedling before he managed to convince Mirage to play with the device again. Maybe he should wait a week or two before bringing up the bug zapper. He recalled the look on Mirage's face as the spy shoved him out the door, using language that even Hound had never suspected he even knew.
Yes, he would definitely have to wait a bit before mentioning the zapper. Hound continued on to his quarters, processor already planning his strategy.
Author's PSA: OK, it's time for my lecture about using Automatic External Defibrillators. *puts on EMT hat*
The AED used in this fic is an older model AED. Newer models require the operator to press a button to deliver a single shock. Early defibrillation is essential for someone to survive cardiac arrest. CPR only buys someone time. The only way to truly "resuscitate" them is through defibrillation. If you witness someone go down, and they are unresponsive and have no carotid pulse (pulse at the neck) please don't hesitate to use an AED. Here's how: TURN IT ON.
The AED will walk you through the steps of use. And if you don't know CPR or if they're kind of seedy and you don't want to give rescue breaths, don't worry – the compressions are the important thing! Give them at the nipple line, letting the chest fully decompress between each one. The blood contains up to 90% oxygen for the first 6 minutes after respiration stops, it just needs to get to the body, and that's what compressions are for.
Just remember: stay calm, and listen to what the nice voice on the AED tells you to do. This hasn't happened to me, but other medics have horror stories of people just standing around with an AED on the ground next to the victim because "nobody knows how to use it". Remember, just turn it on and follow the instructions!