"I Am The Killer"
I sit by the warm fire that illuminates the darkened living room shaking from the events that just occurred. Is tough love the only type of love I am meant to know? I guess this is what happens when you get involved in a relationship young. Each day becomes harder to leave. No matter how violent the outbursts. I touch my swollen lip and realize that I am bleeding. Better put some ice on it and hope the swelling goes down before work tomorrow. I make my way into the kitchen grab a zip lock bag and place a few ice cubes inside. Walking passed the microwave clock, I notice it's midnight. Doubt Jake will be coming home tonight after storming out, so I guess it's safe to try and get some sleep. I grab a bottle of water and head toward the bedroom. Laying in bed, wide a wake, I realize I need a little help getting to sleep. Searching through my nightstand for my sleeping pills, I accidentally find Jake's gun. Examining it for a few moments, I get an uneasy feeling in my stomach. Why he keeps this thing I will never know? I put the gun down and eventually find my sleeping pills, which I take. For my sanity's sake, I hope I can get some sleep tonight.
Tuesday wakes up silent
And there aren't enough pills to sleep
Like a miswired shortwave radio
It's over
Nothing can change to make this right
When you live in a nightmare
It's written all over your face.
Startled from another bad dream, I awake drenched in my own sweat. I blink several times trying to adjust my eyes to the blackness of the bedroom. Glancing to my right, at the alarm clock, I notice I only managed to get two hours of sleep. Damn sleeping pills aren't good for anything. Hell, I don't think there are enough pills in this world to help me sleep. Yet what can I do?
"You know what you have to do." I hear a voice whisper but I have no idea where it is coming from.
"Leaving Jake isn't an option. He will just hunt you down. Killing him is the only way out." The voice is louder this time and suddenly I know where it is coming from.
I head toward the bathroom hoping that I haven't completely lost my mind. Once inside I splash cold water on my face. As I look up, the reflection in the mirror frightens me. Is this the blond bombshell Diva that graced the covers of Playboy? A swollen lip, bruised arms, hollow eyes, nightmares, it's all written on my face.
"If you want your freedom, you know the way out." The voice said again.
"No, stop it! STOP IT." I curl up in a fetal position on the bathroom floor, holding my hands against my ears, rocking back and forth. Why won't these awful voices in my head leave?
"It's time to make your choice Torrie."
And in a short time
You're never the same again
The distance is streamlined
Between decision and defense
I arrive to the arena around five in the afternoon where I am about to tape SmackDown. As much as I hate to go out looking like hell I am happy to be getting far away from the house and Jake. I feel safe with my wrestling family. I know Jake wouldn't dare do anything to me here. Besides, I haven't seen him since the incident that occurred late last night.
"Hey Wilson! I hear you have a swimsuit match against Dawn Marie tonight." I hear Matt Hardy say behind me startling me out of my thoughts.
"Huh? What?" I reluctantly turn around and face him.
The concern in his eyes is evident. "Torrie what's wrong? You look like you haven't slept in days. And your lip. Why is it swollen?"
"He needs to mind his own business." I hear the voice in the back of my mind say.
I think of some quick lies, "No I've been sleeping just fine. And my lip, well that's from the match I had with Nidia at the last house show. She inadvertently connected with her punch. I guess its not going to look good on camera tonight but Ill make it up with my swimsuit." I force a smile and somehow know that he isn't going to buy the bullshit I'm selling.
"I don't think so Torrie. I can tell that swollen lip just happened. Our last show was Friday and it's now Tuesday. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that you are lying and I have a feeling I know why." His gaze burns a hole through my skin. I realize it's my fault I confided in him but he's my best friend and the only one who I can trust. Or at least I thought I could.
"Listen Matt it's nothing please just forget I ever told you anything."
"So it was that asshole Jake. When are you going to realize that he isn't going to change? I know you've been with him since you were seventeen but he's hurting you. If you aren't going to put a stop to this then I am!"
"No Matt. You promised that you would let me handle this on my own. I trusted you dammit!" I watch as he walks toward the parking lot. What the hell is he going to do?
"Stop him Torrie. It's not his problem! It's yours and you know how to take care of it!" I hear the voice say as I run to catch up to Matt.
Disorient the senses
Loss of identity
No one to Trust
No one to Trust
"Matt stop. Please." I'm yelling at air as I see his blue Honda rental drive off. Where is he going? I hope he isn't going to my house. Please God just let this be over.
"You know where he's going. Go after him, hurry. You don't want your friend doing anything stupid do you. Go and handle your own affair." The voice is loud and demanding.
"But I am no killer!" I say as I hide my face and run to my car.
Life runs through this trade
I am no killer
But I still hide my face
In the coming days
I pull up to the driveway and am relieved to see Matt sitting on my front porch. That can only mean Jake isn't home.
"Matt why are you here. You know that you don't have to play hero." I say as I make my way out the car and up the walkway.
"Is that what you think I'm here for?" I see him stand up from the ground and can hear the hurt in his voice. "Torrie you're my friend and I hate to see you suffering emotionally and physically." My eyes start to well with tears. I realize that he is only trying to look out for me.
"Make him leave Torrie. Jake will be home soon. Matt is only in the way." Ignoring the voice I open the door and invite him inside.
"Why do you put up with his shit?" He asks me as we take a seat on the sofa.
"It really isn't as bad as it seems. I've told you that he hits me but Matt it isn't a recurring event." I hope telling him want he wants to hear will satisfy him. I really don't want him doing something he will regret.
"That's only because you're never home. Every time we stop in your hometown you always return to the arena with a new cut or bruises. This has to stop. Man, every time I see you crying because of that dick head I want to kill him. No woman deserves this."
"Yeah so do I." Did that just come out of my mouth? "I have these recurring dreams where I kill that son of a bitch." That sounds like my voice but why am I revealing this to Matt?
I wake up every morning
from the same dream
Kill it!
But you can't change the letters when the ink dries
"The truth finally comes out Torrie." I recognize that voice and instantly freeze. Matt and I were so lost in conversation we didn't hear Jake come in.
"So what? You invited him over to fuck? Huh you little slut? That's why you love wrestling so much. You love to be around all those men." The same argument from last night. I can't take this anymore. I watch as Matt stands and lunges at Jake and I sneak my way upstairs. Once upstairs, I run to the bedroom and directly to my nightstand.
"Now is your chance. Get rid of him once and for all."
"I sure will." I answer the voice aloud.
The gun is on the nightstand where I had left it earlier. This better be loaded. Quickly I run back downstairs to see Matt with a headlock on Jake punching him in the stomach.
"Matt let him go!" I yell holding the gun out ready to shoot.
"What the hell are you going to do with that?" Matt asks me out of breath.
"What I should have done a long time ago."
"Do it. Pull the trigger." I hear the voice say. I watch Matt release his grip. Once he did, Jake took a cheap shot and punched him in the jaw causing him to fall backward. Hand shaking, finger on the trigger, eyes on target, Jake is stumbling toward me but I'm ready.
"You don't have the nerve you useless slut."
He's standing so close to me I can smell his alcohol ridden breath. I close my eyes and pull the trigger. I am thrown back by the force of the shot and can feel trickles of blood splatter on my skin. I open my eyes to see Jake with a hole through his head and Matt in disbelief. I manage to pull myself off the floor.
"What have I done?" I can feel tears wet my cheeks.
"You did the right thing Torrie. You're free now." The voice said in an inaudible whisper. I walk out of the house in a daze. I feel like the walking dead. My thoughts are racing and my head is spinning. I pass many people and notice they are looking at me. Then suddenly everything went black.
I woke up on the sidewalk and everything just changed
now the lights are blinking but I can't see anything
Life runs through this trade
I am no killer
But I still hide my face
In the coming days
I wake up on the sidewalk with lights flashing in my face. There are people surrounding me and medical personnel.
"Are you ok miss? Miss . . . " Everyone looks just like me except there is one thing that distinguishing us from one another. I now hide a dark secret. Oh but my head hurts and my chest is tight. I look between the crowd and I see my reflection through a department store window. Wild blond hair and silky blood stained skin. Then I see him in the window.
"Jake, it's Jake he's after me. Oh God don't let him get me!"
Everything is falling apart
Everything is falling apart
Everything is falling
Crumpled paper
Crushed tin cans
Broken bottles
Paper
scrapsWe're all the same
We're all the same
"You said I was free. You lied!" I yell to the voices.
"Miss please calm down. Can you please tell me what's wrong?"
"He hurt me. They said I would be free. Now I am the killer."
We all look the same
We all look the same
We all look the same
But I am the killer
And in a short time
You're never the same again
The distance is streamlined
Between decision and defense
Song by Thursday "I Am The Killer"