Beauty

One word, one simple noun, rarely existed but can be found in perhaps everything. You can find it in summer, where the flowers are blossoming and shining in the heat of sunshine. You can find it in the smiles of little children. You can find it in the gesture of royal princess. You can find it in the saying of a wise man. You can find it in the happiness of your lover. But as simple as it seems, it's complicated, because beauty is relative.

For me, a beauty can only be found in two conditions, natural and eternal. And I find them only in death. I guess this is one of the reasons why I keep saying, "I enjoy killing what I love."

I found something nearly perfection in Kurama, and how am I wrong to make it complete? I've learned from Toguro Otouto and Genkai's story, how age can eat the beauty up, and I can't even imagine Kurama with wrinkles on his face. It's better if he dies now, so his face remained perfect for eternity. And I wanted him to die in no one's hands but mine.

People say what I feel isn't what love is, instead, it's only lust. At this, I gave no comment. I had no interest in naming my feelings. I only cared for what I thought right. Actually, I wanted to be with the kitsune, but if I made that wish, the beauty he had would fade as the time went on. Ignoring my feelings, ignoring his feelings, I would sacrifice anything for his everlasting perfection.

Now tell me, how am I wrong? Why everyone, including Kurama himself, call me sadistic and all? Even until my death, I was wondering. Dying in Kurama's hands made me slightly happy, still, but I was sad too that I couldn't be the one who ended his life. As the plant sucked every liquid flowing in my body, I found myself wishing for the last time. What I really wanted at the moment was Kurama to die too, so we could go to the spirit world together, be condemned in hell together. Too bad, I've learned as well that my wish would never come true…

Fear

One word, one simple noun, rarely I felt but can come from perhaps everywhere. And currently I felt it every time I faced this demon I knew was only interested in killing me. I was the Youko Kurama, though in Shuuichi Minamino's body, I still had powers and intelligence, so it was expected that I better killed him first, right? But then again, I realized I was in love with him. I just hated how he was so sadistic even towards things and people he loved.

I really couldn't understand his thoughts. What's the purpose of perfection? Why did he so insist in giving me to death when clearly we both had other feeling, a mutual one called 'love', to share? I was hopeless, and I feared Karasu. I was afraid he could break me into pieces because I loved him. It's so complicated.

Hiei knew this, he knew everything, and laughed it off at my face. Yuusuke looked at me disappointedly but he said something like what I feel isn't what love is, instead, it's only lust, temporary desire. At this, I could argue. If it wasn't love, why would I care to find him when he's not around? Why when once he didn't go after me, I felt rejected? Why would I wish Karasu not to be so cruel? Why would I hope he didn't intent so much to kill me, so I could be with him and live happily ever after? Really, I would trade anything if these wishes could be granted.

Even until the end, I was wondering what I felt towards Karasu. I wanted to kill him yet I wanted him alive. I didn't even think anymore as I summoned the plant that I knew would take Karasu's life away. I watched him as the plant sucked every soul he had, heart aching. I found myself praying the wish I'd been having for long. What I really wanted at the moment was Karasu to endure it, surrender, then live a new life, with no more intention to kill me. Too bad, I've learned that my wish would never come true …