Who Hurts More
A challenge issued to me by a friend of mine to write a oneshot that hasn't been done before. At least… I don't think this has been done before…
There's never been any space in my life for anything. I have always wanted what was out of my grasp—and yet those are the same things that I push away. Tomorrow, you or I could be dead. Tomorrow the world might end. And it might end without anyone ever knowing that I'd cared for them.
The dark head bent down, eyes closed, ignoring the buzzing sound of static that could have driven anyone crazy. But inside the room there was only the deafening silence that soaked the carpet and seeped through the paintings on the walls, being absorbed by the meaningless clutter of furniture and hangings all around the room. It was all so pointless. All of these things were just cobwebs, easily brushed away and ignored or left behind.
"Hey, are you okay?" Mikan asked in concern from the spot where she was sitting on the bed. "You look kind of pale. Are you cold or something? I could get you your jacket… or…" she trailed off.
She didn't get any answer. Instead, cold eyes that were like empty tunnels looked searchingly into her all too trusting ones before turning away, fixing on a point in the distance as though their surroundings were melting away and twisting into something else that she couldn't see. Just once, Mikan thought, just once, I wish I could read your mind. I don't understand why there are people who keep trying to hide their emotions.
"It's getting late, Mikan. You should really go back to your own room now."
"It isn't that late. And besides, you don't look like you're going to sleep yet. Unless you were planning to do something else?" she challenged, her gaze darting towards the table where there were papers scattered all over the surface. "Not again."
"Yes, again. And stop giving me that look, you're not my boss." Or my mother. Oh God… family. If there is one thing that I will regret leaving for the rest of my life, it's my family. Mikan knew what had been almost said, and she felt a pang of guilt for going on and on about what was probably none of her business. But how could she just let the people she was worried about go? Ten years old was too young. "Please. I have a lot of work to do."
"It isn't fair," she complained. "They shouldn't have to force you to do all these things. You've still got your whole life ahead of you."
Thanks for caring… but…
"I'm not being forced to do anything, stupid. I'm doing this because I want to."
Mikan gritted her teeth. Perhaps in some part of her mind she knew that her reasoning was childish and naïve—but it was also right. "You're still just a kid. Why do they have to put so much pressure on you?"
"Who are you calling a kid?" She blanched at the wintry reply—this coldness was worse than a slap on the cheek. "Go to bed, Mikan. I still have something to finish before I turn in. If you don't leave, I won't complete it in time… and then I'll get into a lot of trouble. This is something that I have to do." God, I hate this. This is harder than the work itself. Sometimes I wonder who hurts more because of all this—me, or Mikan? I don't know anymore.
"Work at your own pace. You don't have to do this for the Academy." Stop pushing yourself so much. I can't stand watching you going on like this.
"But you don't understand. I don't have my whole life ahead of me. Who knows what comes next? I have to finish as much as I can before it all ends. Haven't you and I discussed this before?"
This is something that has to be done. And it isn't only for my sake. I'm just doing what I can do. And even that isn't much.
Mikan nodded, surrendering. There was no use arguing… All she could do was hope that her friends would take a break sometime. They were all pushing themselves so much harder than she was. All she could do was watch them and pray that they would be okay. "Don't exhaust yourself, okay?"
She got a small smile as compensation for her efforts. "Don't worry about me. I'll see you in the morning, okay?"
Even if tomorrow were to bring the end of the world, I guess I would look back and regret that there were times that I pushed you away. But I won't die unhappily, not when I know that there are people who care for me. I guess, somehow, that it makes it all worth it.
"Goodnight… Hotaru."
Author's Note: Hah! I'll bet people thought it was Natsume! That's how my friend reacted when she read the last line of the story. But honestly, I've had enough of people talking about everything Natsume's going through. Hotaru has issues too! (And besides, if you'll notice, I never said—and I mean NEVER—that the person was a guy. Moral of the story: stop jumping to conclusions and expect the unexpected.