My eyes fluttered open and I was greeted with an unfamiliar high ceiling. I can make out the distant etchings of a battle in the distant past. What had the maids called it again? The Sealing War…? Meh, some dusty old markings in a ramshackle palace are the least of my worries right now.

Slowly, I outstretch my hands and see tiny, unfamiliar brown hands come into view. No matter how many times I try to even sit up, a newborn's muscle control isn't very good. I can't help but let out a frustrated coo. I really don't know how things ended up like this and why I'm not… you know… happier. After all, aren't I living every weeaboo's dream? I died in some freak accident and was reborn as the Princess to a magical, fantasy world with the memories of my past life intact. Unfortunately, I didn't actually die in a freak accident, I was murdered, and two… as far as I can tell from the ramshackle nature of the palace I'm currently staying in, I'm an heir to a throne of nothing. Probably.

It's the tale of a million, uninspired fantasy novels. However, in practice…. It's less glamorous. Most of those types of stories don't go into the details of having to relieve being a baby in gruesome fucking detail. It's so uncomfortable. I can barely move, and I shit myself ever three hours? At least in my last life, the details of my childhood are hazy at best because we don't have really solid memories until we're two or three.

And yet here I am. A baby. With the mind of an adult. Kill me. Actually, don't. I've already died once. Let's not relieve that experience for another 70 or 80 years. Thanks.

I let out another disgruntled coo. Who the hell am I talking to? No one can understand me. I guess I should just be grateful that the language in this world is similar to the language in my past life. I don't have any trouble listening in on their conversations. It's pretty much the only thing I have to do in this dump of a palace.

Now, let's go over what I do know, I thought trying to frown or look thoughtful in any way and failing in miserably. Curse these not yet developed motor skills! My name is Eldiana and I am… the only daughter to the King of this land. My mother was a dancer from a foreign land but was used and then abandoned by the King. She got pregnant and died in childbirth leaving me behind.

No matter how I look at it, I feel like I am now living the life of a cheesy, d-list manga. Although, I have yet to see who this infamous "King" that is my father. I guess I'm a protagonist meant to have daddy issues. Although, I suppose in comparison to my last life this is a whole lot better. I was estranged from my family in my previous life so they probably aren't shedding any tears over the fact that I was murdered. It's hard to develop daddy-issues when you really don't have any idea what you're missing out on. Of course, some would argue that is a daddy issue in and of itself.

I let out another disgruntled sigh. I might as well practice rolling over for a while. The sooner I can develop these motor skills, the quicker I can get out of this crib.

I do my best to try and turn myself over for a while, and make little progress. I'm more or less just stuck half-heartedly doing sit-ups without actually being able to sit up on my own yet. I keep at it though, but my mind begins to wander as the questions begin to pile up.

How did I get like this? Why can I remember who I am? What kind of country is this? What kind of person is my dad? Will I be able to do magic? Am I going to just die again in some kind of weird fire magic related accident?

The more I try to figure it out the more tired I feel. My body feels heavy. The unfortunate part about being a baby is I spend most of my time eating, sleeping, or pooping. When I was working 9 to 5 a the local 7/11 this would have been a dream, but now that I'm living it… It's kind of boring.

I guess there's nothing to do about my situation now. I shrug off any worry as my consciousness becomes hazy. There's no use figuring it all out when you can't even sit up properly. If I'm to do anything about this, it can wait until I'm older- if I survive infancy. My eyelids slowly close and I feel darkness overtake me.

However, my dreams take me to an unexpected place. A distant insignificant memory that was pushed to the back of my mind.

Eldiana looked at her father, her eyes welling with despair, "So you just intend to throw me to the wolves, father?" A shaky voice tumbled out of her. The betrayal was clear, and yet Eldiana refused to believe that her father would cast her aside so easily. Were they not blood? Did she not have the same golden eyes as he?

She had tried so hard for so long to be a beauty of elegant grace worthy of his love, and yet as he stared down at her with contempt something in her finally snapped.

"What will it take for you to love me like you love Zelda? I am your daughter too, Father! I have been with you longer! What must I do for you to cherish me as you cherish her?!" Eldiana's voice had become unexpectedly loud as she feels the full weight of her father's betrayal fully sink in.

"You fool," Her father murmured out. His voice was colder than the peaks of Mount Hylia in the middle of winter, "There was never a point where I considered a worthless creature such as yourself my child."

Tears spilled over from Eldiana's eyes. She truly was an heir to a throne of nothing.

My eyes shoot open. Why am I thinking about that trashy fanfiction now of all times? Probably because we share the same name, but still. I was not reborn into a bad Legend of Zelda fanfiction.

"Oh, Princess, are you finally awake?" A familiar voice pulls me from my disgruntled thoughts. My attendant, Maya. It hits me again, the similarities from that trashy fanfiction and the reality of my life. No, it has to be a coincidence, but I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach about where and who I really am and I don't like it.

Maya reaches into the crib, picks me up and gently rocks me. She's a real beauty with scarlet red hair, tan skin, and emerald green eyes. She's also got really noticeable cheek bones and her frame is sort of muscular, but what catches me most is the eyeliner. I didn't expect nursemaids to have such great eyeliner, but I guess a woman's make-up has to look great even in a fantasy world. To be honest though, I don't know why a beauty like Maya would willingly give her best years to raise an abandoned Princess like me, "You're probably hungry, right? Let's get you a bottle and then I'll read you a story."

As far as I can tell, Maya was a kind-hearted and gentle soul. While the rest of the maids are too busy lining their pockets, Maya had been one caring for me this entire time. In this world, it's unusual for a woman as young as Maya become a nursemaid. Usually, they spend some time traveling or in the military before settling down. According to some of the other maids though, she had begged my father to let her take care of me.

If I had actually had the mind of a child it might have been touching. However, to be honest, I can't help but feel a bit suspicious. After all, usually in these types of situations, there's always an ulterior motive, right? Something, something, court politics, right? Although, to be fair, getting close to me is probably a wash since my father wants nothing to do with me.

I coo gently as she hands me the bottle. I hated milk in my previous life, but I've surprisingly grown a taste for it here. Maybe it's cause it's fresher? The nightmare I had has made me surprisingly hungry so I quickly gulp down the milk, even Maya's surprised. After I'm burped and changed, Maya settles down into a rocking chair in front of a fireplace.

My eyes are immediately drawn to the gold leaf on the fireplace. Although, it's peeling in places. No doubt where the other maids have been robbing the palace blind. I guess because they think I'm an abandoned princess they can line their own pockets. Greedy wenches.

"Now, which story are we on...Ah, I know, why don't we read this one?" Maya turns to a page and I see familiar looking illustrations line the page. They're dressed differently, but there's no doubt in my mind…. That's….

Ghirahim... and Ganondorf?!

My stomach sinks even further. That premonition I had looms over my head. I flail helplessly and smack the picture of Ganondorf. Maya laughs, "Oh, do you know who that is, Princess?"

Of course, I know who it is! That's Ganondorf! The incarnation of hatred of Demise, the Demon King! He fought a bloody war over the Triforce with the Goddess Hylia! How dare you ask me who the main antagonist of the Zelda series is, Maya!

"That's Ganondorf Dragmire Hyruliana. The current king of Hyrule, and your father."

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" I let out a screech. Maya squeaks in surprise and begins to rock me, and check if I've soiled myself.

Not only did I die, but I've been reborn into a trashy Legend of Zelda fanfiction! What kind of fucking karmic retribution is this?!

A/N: This fic is an au crossover fic! It's very much inspired by "Who made me a Princess?" on Tappytoon. I intend to take it in a mostly different direction, but I loved a lot of the tropes so I borrowed some of them. I do recommend you go give the original comic a read though, it's hysterical!

The MC isn't a self insert and isn't me throwing salt at everyone, but she does lampshade a lot of stuff. She's meant to be very much a person who is invested enough to discourse about LoZ on social media. She is inspired by some of my experiences in the fandom though. Consider it a running meta joke.

This fic is also available on Ao3, so if you see this fic on Ao3 too, that's my account over there lol.