"Jenna, put the gun down," Olivia had begged, her voice shaking as Sister Peg's blood covered her hands. "Please." But the young girl was too far gone. She had lost everything, why should she listen now? She had lost all ability to rationalise after killing three men almost without flinching. Elliot remembered the look on the young girls face as she aimed the gun at Olivia, ready to shoot. Olivia had no weapon, no way of defending herself and in an instant he made a choice. Olivia raised her arms in surrender. The young girl simply stared right through her and tightened her finger on the trigger.
He shot.
He was aiming for Jenna's arm but she turned, he didn't know why but she turned to face him with the gun still pointed at Olivia. Her eyes were wide with shock as the bullet hit her chest. She dropped to the floor and he clambered over to her, pushing the gun away and pressing on the wound almost right away. He hadn't meant to shoot her in the chest, he just wanted to get the gun away from Olivia. Jenna had already killed Sister Peg, Olivia would have been next.
"Stay with me, stay with me," Elliot had begged as the young girl struggled the breathe. She grasped his hands, fear and shock plastered all over her face. He had meant to shoot her in the arm, why did she move? "You're going to be okay," he'd promised. "Jenna, you're going to be okay."
"Elliot…" Olivia had slowly crawled towards him, her hands covered in Sister Peg's blood.
"I didn't mean to…" he'd trailed off turning to the young girl in his arms. Her eyes were wide, her chest was no longer heaving. She was dead.
Elliot sat alone in the crib. The bodies were gone; the interviews with IAB were done. He was commended on his bravery, commended. He had killed a fifteen year old girl and he was commended for it. Olivia had been with Sister Peg's family for hours, comforting them despite the fact that she was in shock. They had stayed on the floor, Elliot still holding Jenna in his arms. Olivia had covered his hand with her own, unable to even begin to understand what Elliot was feeling. It was an accident…
They stayed in silence until another officer approached them and informed them that Captain Cragen had been called. Olivia had slowly made her way back to Sister Peg, unsure of what to do. There were five dead bodies in front of her, all she wanted to do was to take Elliot into an empty room and hold him. She could see the pain etched into his face. He would never forgive himself.
The young girl was the same age as his daughter. He had killed a child. She had been scared, she had lost her mother and was absorbed by rage. Elliot could see that she was no longer in control of her actions. She was going to shoot Olivia. She had already killed Sister Peg, she had killed her without thinking, without prejudice. Sister Peg had been one of the good guys, Jenna was too far gone to care. He had no choice but to shoot, but he hadn't meant to kill her. No one cared. They praised him for preventing more deaths by taking out the shooter. They didn't care that she was just a child.
"Elliot," Cragen spoke softly, walking towards the younger man and sitting next to him.
"She was fifteen," Elliot spoke solemnly. She was dead.
"You did what you could, you saved a lot of people-"
"She was just a child." There was no rage, no anger, he was completely defeated. "She…she didn't know what she was doing-"
"She killed four people Elliot, one of which was an innocent member of the public. You said yourself that she was about to shoot your partner." Cragen knew that nothing that he could say would comfort Elliot.
"I shot a fifteen year old to protect my partner."
"No, to protect everyone in the station Elliot-"
"No," he sighed, cradling his head in his hands. He had been so frightened, he hadn't thought about anything else, just the fact that Olivia was about to be shot. He would have done anything to protect her, and so he shot.
"Elliot, think very carefully about what you're about to say. I can walk out of here right now and we won't ever talk about this again. " He knew exactly what Elliot was trying to say, that he may not have acted in the same way had the gun been pointed at anyone else. This was something that he couldn't hear. No matter how much he respected Elliot, he couldn't ignore it if it was said out loud.
"I can't do this anymore," as he spoke he pushed himself up and off of the bed. "I can't do it." He walked out leaving Don on his own contemplating what was going to happen.
"Elliot," Olivia ran after Elliot, grabbing his arm to try and get his attention. She had called him three times as he walked through the squad room towards the exit. Elliot pulled away from her grasp, turning to face her with a look on his face that she had only seen once before.
"I can't do this anymore. I can't be looking over my shoulder making sure you're okay! I need to know you can do your job and not wait for me to come to the rescue!"
She took a step back, unable to face his anger, not now. He took a step towards her. "I need some time," he barely whispered, placing his hands on her upper arms. He knew that he couldn't react, not right now, it wasn't her fault. It was his choice. There was nothing in the world that she could have done to prevent it but he couldn't help but feel that yet again his loyalty and feelings for her had left him to make the wrong choice again. He wouldn't make the same mistake again, he knew that his irrational thinking was pushing him dangerously close to hurting Olivia but she had been there too, she was hurting as well.
"You okay?" he asked, watching as she nodded. He let go, his hands dropped to his sides. Gitano had taught him that his feelings for Olivia were what had led him to choosing her instead of Ryan, not her or her inability to do her job. He needed to walk away before he said something. He could see in her eyes the fear, she was just waiting for him to blame her when all she wanted was to comfort him. "Just…give me some time."
He walked away slowly leaving Olivia stood in the hallway. She was desperate to follow him but she knew that by asking her to leave him alone he was protecting her. He was angry, he was devastated, she could see that. He had been forced to shoot a girl who was the same age as his daughter. It was an accident, he had meant to shoot her in the arm, he didn't mean to kill her. Olivia prayed that he knew that no one blamed him, that it was a senseless accident.
She knew Elliot, she knew his heart, she knew that he would be struggling. He protected kids, he saved them, he didn't kill them. She would give him time, but just a little, not enough for him to convince himself that it was his fault. There was nothing he could have done. Olivia was sure that had it been Fin who was about to be shot Elliot would have done the same thing, she only hoped Elliot knew that as well. He would have shot to save anyone.
Hours later, Kathy had called several times, she hadn't heard from Elliot other than a text message that said he was okay. She was worried, more so after speaking to Captain Cragen. She had called Olivia three times, and each time Olivia had explained that she really didn't know where he was. She had looked. It had been four hours since Elliot left her standing in the corridor and no one had heard a thing.
She knew that he wouldn't have done anything stupid, Elliot would never eat his gun. But she also knew he was full of rage, and that he needed to find a way to get rid of it. She only hoped no one had got in his way.
She wanted to go home. She had showered already, Sister Peg's blood washed off of her almost instantly and yet she still felt sticky and sick. The woman had done nothing but try to help others for years and this was how it ended? Where was the justice in that? How was it fair? Olivia thought she had come to terms with the fact that life wasn't fair, maybe she was wrong. Was it fair that Jenna was lying in the morgue, that Elliot would torture himself for the rest of his life? She needed to get out, she needed air, to breathe. She needed to be away from the station.
She answered her phone as it rang and knew it was him almost instantly. "Elliot," she started. "Where are you?"
The bar was in the middle of nowhere. It was dark and dingy with hardly anyone inside. She hadn't seen his car outside, had he walked? She saw him right away, hunched over the bar.
"What took you so long?" he asked, without even turning around. "Two more," he called to the bartender.
"Uh, I drove-" Olivia started nervously. She wanted to help him, to make sure that he was okay. She needed him to know that it wasn't his fault.
"More for me," he sighed, pulling a glass towards him, as she sat on the stool next to him.
"How many have you had?" she asked softly, trying to sound as though she wasn't judging. Angry Elliot was one thing, but drunk angry Elliot was completely different. His rage was almost uncontrollable then and as much as she hated to admit it, it scared her.
"Not enough."
"Elliot-"
"Don't." He held his hand up. "Please, just… don't." He didn't want to hear that it wasn't a good idea to drink himself into oblivion, he didn't want to hear that it wasn't his fault. It was his fault. Jenna was dead. He downed his first drink and watched as Olivia visibly flinched.
"Elliot, I don't know what to say,"
"Then drink," he pushed the glass towards her.
Less than an hour later they were sat in silence. Olivia sipped her third drink, the warm buzz of the alcohol beginning to take effect. She wondered just how long they could go without talking and knew it could have been all night.
"It wasn't your fault Elliot," she started, watching as his shoulders hunched. "It wasn't, she had a gun pointed at us-"
"At you."
"We're doing this again?" she asked, preparing herself to bear the brunt of his anger. She understood his anger. She understood his guilt. When Gitano killed Ryan he was so guilty she barely knew how to handle him. He had picked it out on her then, it had hurt and she was furious but eventually she understood that he was unable to express his guilt and that had he not yelled at her he may have lost it completely.
"No, no we're not. It was my choice but I… I can't keep doing this. I can't keep…" he stopped, shaking his head. "I can't."
"Elliot think of the people you've saved? The hundreds of children, of women that you have saved from violence from-"
"It's not enough, it's just… It's getting harder, every single person that we lose its hitting me harder and harder and this… it's too much. She was the same age as my daughter Liv,"
"I know."
"I can't do this anymore. I'm done."
"Elliot," Olivia stopped. She couldn't take in what he was saying. He didn't mean it, he couldn't.
"I've been thinking about it for a while now, my heart just isn't in it anymore. It feels like we lose more people than we save. We put one perp in jail and another three crawl out o the woodwork. And today… today…"
"You just need time-"
"Olivia I shot a fifteen year old girl who was grieving after losing her mother. I killed someone who had their whole life to live." He didn't understand why she couldn't grasp what he was saying. She didn't understand. She had had similar experiences when she had shot, and killed, but never like this. He was still in shock, what had happened had yet to set in and even before it had sunk in he felt as though his heart was going to implode.
"Elliot, she chose to carry that gun. She chose to shoot it. I understand, it's…it's awful. And you're right, she should still be here and so should her mother but she made that choice Elliot. I would do anything to change it, I know you would too but you cannot blame yourself, it was an accident. You make a difference-"
"I know, and whoever replaces me will make just as big a difference-"
"No. You're still in shock Elliot-"
"Liv, I can't put my hand on my heart and say that if the gun had been pointed at anyone else that I would have done the same." He admitted. He wasn't blaming her, he wouldn't do that to her again. But she had to know, she had to know that he didn't trust his judgement anymore. "What kind of police officer does that make me? What kind of person does what happened today make me? How can I go home to my kids, to my fifteen year old daughter and face them?"
"You're really serious?" Olivia asked, swaying slightly, unsure if it was from the alcohol or the shock. Today had been bad. They had lost a good friend, they had witnessed the deaths of three evil men and Elliot had done something he had never ever wanted to do. But how could this be it? How could he just walk away?
Elliot nodded. He would never forgive himself for what he had done, he would never forget the look on Jenna's ace as she clung to him, fighting for breath, shaking. He looked up as Olivia simply nodded and pushed herself off of the stool.
"Um, I need to go home. You need to go home too, Kathy is worried." She didn't want to talk anymore. She knew that he was serious, that he was going and she didn't know how to react. Her heart felt like it was about to implode, he was her best friend he was… He was so much more.
"Don't do that, don't leave," he started.
"I need to go, IAB will still be sniffing around tomorrow and I need-"
"Don't go-" he reached out, placing his hand on her arm. She pulled away almost immediately. He was leaving. She wanted to comfort him, to continue to tell him that what had happened was not his fault but she was struggling with what had happened, and struggling even more now that Elliot had admitted that he was no longer able to be her partner. She needed to go home, she needed to cry in the comfort of her own home like she had done so many times when a case had turned sour, never more so than today.
"You should go home Elliot. We can talk tomorrow, you need to sleep."
She couldn't sleep. She had left Elliot less than an hour ago, she'd somehow found a cab and climbed into bed almost right away. She had yet to cry. At least once a week Olivia contemplating quitting SVU, but she had always convinced herself that she made too much o a difference to quit. She told herself that she and Elliot made an impact. How could she carry on without him? Sometimes he was the only thing that kept her sane, other times he was the one pushing her towards insanity but it worked. It always worked.
She and Elliot had been through so much together. They had faced the worst that humanity had to offer, together. She wasn't sure she could do it alone. She was shaken from her thoughts by a knock on the door. It was him, she knew it was him. She contemplated staying in bed, not answering and simply ignoring him but she knew that he wouldn't go away.
"Liv," he started as soon as she opened the door. "Uh, I can't go home."
"Come in," she offered as he walked in. She walked towards the kitchen, pouring him a glass of water "I know this is hard-" she stopped. She had turned to face him again and he was simply stood with his back to her with his head in his hands. His shoulders were shaking. Olivia had never seen him cry before.
She was at his side in seconds. She stood in front of him, almost unsure of what to do, unsure of how he would react if she touched him. "Elliot," she whispered, placing a hand on his arm. She pulled him towards her, wrapping her arms around him and resting her hand on the back of his head. "I'm so sorry," she told him as he clung to her.
They stood simply holding on to each other for what seemed like hours. Neither one wanted to let go. Eventually Elliot pulled away, swiping a hand across his eyes. "I can't get it out of my head," he confessed.
"I'll help you," Olivia entwined her hand with his. "You're going to be okay Elliot, you're going to be okay."
Three months later
"So what's he like?"
"Wouldn't you like to know," Olivia teased, sat at her desk holding the phone to her ear.
"Is he better than me? Better looking than me?"
"Both,"
"Okay, now I know you're lying," Elliot laughed. He had left the special victims unit three months ago and after a short break was working in homicide. Olivia had heard nothing but good things about him from the officers he worked with. He had admitted to her, during a late night phone call, that he felt as though he'd found his passion or police work again. He was happier than he had been in a long time. As much as he loved SVU and loved the job he had done for so long, it had so nearly destroyed him. Facing humanities worst deeds on a daily basis, facing victims, some of which he was unable to help no matter how hard he tried had left him feeling lost and frustrated.
The hours weren't as long and although the cases were equally as devastating Elliot found homicide a welcome change. As much as he missed SVU he found himself coping, with less rage. He missed Olivia, sometimes so much that he thought about changing his mind but he called her often, and she called him. They met up most weeks, she found herself getting to know a completely different side of Elliot and she liked it. He had informed her about the divorce a month after leaving, he seemed content, the kids visited him in his apartment every weekend and the angry Elliot she once knew seemed to be a thing of the past.
"I'm telling you, you have nothing on this new guy Elliot, he's tall and handsome. Blonde, you know how I like blondes?" Olivia teased, staring at her new partner.
"You're bluffing Benson. Munch told me all about your new partner your new female partner."
"Ahh…" she glared at Munch who was sat across from her. The man simply shrugged.
"Ahhhh." He mimicked. "So tonight, dinner? We're still on?"
"Wouldn't miss it, there is one condition."
"Which is?"
"You're paying."