Title: Late Night Introductions.
Author: Doc
Characters: Toby and ?
Rating: R for language and talk about sex.
Spoilers: None. Set pre-administration.
Notes: This has absolutely no plot. It is just a funny dialogue piece based pre-administration.
"So, you're the writer?"
"Yes."
"Tobias."
"Toby."
"Whatever. So, how many elections have you won?"
"None."
"And you think you will get him elected President?"
"Yes."
"How can you be sure?"
"Because."
"That's it?"
"Yes."
"You don't like to talk much, do you?"
"No."
"Okay. Do you like him as a candidate?"
"Sure."
"Yes or No?"
"He seems fine. I don't know him very well."
"You have no idea who I am, do you?"
"Not really."
"So why are you talking to me?"
"I'm not. You're talking to me. Besides, I'm drunk."
"You're a sad drunk."
"Well, if you knew me any better, you would know I'm like this sober."
"That was the longest sentence you've said during this chat of ours."
"I must be talkative when I'm drunk."
"You're a smartass."
"Yes."
"No challenge?"
"Nope. I agree with you. So would my mother."
"Do you care who I am?"
"Not really."
"I could be someone important."
"Then that would mean I'd have to buy you a drink, and I'm broke."
"Are you married?"
"Yes."
"Where's the lucky lady?"
"I sense sarcasm in your voice."
"Well, I met you two minutes ago and I think any woman who is married to you should get a handshake."
"Why?"
"Because she actually puts up with you."
"Again with the sarcasm."
"So."
"So?"
"Where's your wife?"
"Home. Work. I don't know."
"She's not with you?"
"No."
"Why?"
"I might have pissed her off."
"Why does that not surprise me."
"What?"
"Nothing. So, how long have you been married?"
"Long enough. How long have you been married?"
"How did you know I was married?"
"The ring on your finger was my first guess."
"It could just be a prop."
"I doubt it. You seem like the married kind."
"What the hell does that mean?"
"I don't know. As I mentioned before, I'm drunk."
"You were thinking about getting lucky tonight?"
"I'm always thinking about getting lucky."
"I bet your wife wouldn't like to hear that."
"Well, she's not here so she won't hear it."
"Have you cheated on your wife before?"
"No."
"If I made a pass at you right now, would you cheat on your wife?"
"No. I'm not the best husband to begin with, but I am faithful."
"Good answer."
"Why are you talking to me again?"
"I needed the company."
"Go find your husband."
"He's busy."
"What does he do?"
"Oh, a little of this, a little of that."
"He's not in the mob, is he?"
"No. But I think that would spice up our sex life."
"We're seriously not going to talk about your sex life, right?"
"Now Tobias, I don't share that information with just anyone."
"Toby. My name is Toby. Only my mother is allowed to call me Tobias."
"Well, Tobias sounds better to me right now."
"I don't care. Toby."
"I haven't had sex in three weeks."
"I haven't had sex in ten weeks."
"Wow. You must have really pissed off your wife."
"I corrected her grammar. She doesn't like when I do that."
"Then why did you do it?"
"Because I'm a smartass. Haven't we established that?"
"You should apologize."
"I rarely apologize."
"If you want sex, you need to apologize."
"We could have sex."
"You and me?"
"Why not."
"You said you wouldn't cheat on your wife."
"Well, give me time to drink some more. I can play dumb in the morning."
"You really want to have sex with me?"
"Yes."
"Wow."
"But I probably won't."
"Yeah."
"Do you want to have sex with me?"
"Yes."
"Nice."
"But I won't."
"Yeah."
"You really are a sad drunk."
"I was a happy drunk in college."
"Everyone is a happy drunk in college."
"True."
"What do we do now, Tobias?"
"Sit here and think about sex."
"You should call your wife."
"I know."
"I mean, you really should call your wife."
"We could have phone sex."
"Is she into that?"
"Not really."
"Well, call her and then take a cold shower."
"What are you going to do?"
"Find my husband."
"And?"
"None of your business, my friend."
"Make me a promise."
"Sure."
"Don't have sex with him tonight. It won't be fair."
"Fair for whom?"
"Me."
"So if you suffer, I have to suffer?"
"Yes."
"Okay."
"Thanks."
"We don't really know each other well enough to make promises like that."
"Stop trying to get out of our promise."
"Fine. But I don't like it."
"I do."
"That's because you can't get any tonight, and I can."
"But you can't. You'll break your promise."
"You'd never know."
"I would if I saw you again. I can tell when someone has had sex."
"Who says we'll see each other again?"
"True. But do you want to break a promise?"
"No. Sneaky little shit."
"I should go. I'm out of money and I'm about to pass out. Good thing this hotel has a bar."
"Where's your room?"
"Thinking about a late visit?"
"No. I just want to make sure you don't pass out in the hallway. Wouldn't look good for Bartlet."
"I guess not."
"I should go find my husband."
"Remember..."
"No sex. Yeah, I got it. I really hate you, by the way."
"I have that effect on women."
"Call your wife."
"I will."
"And no getting friendly with yourself in the shower. If I get no sex, you don't get to masturbate."
"Damn. You ruined my plans for the evening."
"You know what? I'm feeling better now."
"I'm sure. I hate you too."
"At least we're on the same track. Oh, look over there."
"That's Jed Bartlet."
"Yep."
"Why is he waving at me?"
"He's waving at me."
"Why?"
"I was supposed to meet him a while ago."
"Why?"
"Late dinner."
"He's having a late dinner with his wife."
"Didn't I just say that?"
"You're Abigail Bartlet?"
"Abbey."
"We talked about sex."
"And masturbation."
"And you're the wife of the guy I'm working for?"
"Why is your face red?"
"I'm a fucking idiot."
"Watch your language, Tobias."
"Why?"
"I don't know. It was just something to say. I have to go."
"Can we not discuss this with anyone?"
"Our conversation?"
"Yes."
"Sure. But remember our promise. Keep your hands non-active tonight."
"And you keep everything non-active."
"Bastard."
"Have a nice night, Abigail."
"Abbey. Only my mother calls me Abigail."
"Payback's a bitch, isn't it Abigail?"
"I hate you."
"Hate you more."
"Get my husband elected President."
"So we can have our late night chats again in the White House?"
"Sure. I'm game. I'll bring the cider."
"Okay."
"Did you really have no idea who I was?"
"I did not."
"Surprised?"
"Maybe a little."
"I have to go."
"Have a nice dinner."
"Can we compromise about our promise?"
"Nope. Tonight is for dreaming only."
"You'll pay for this down the road."
"I have no doubt about that. But a promise is a promise."
"Bite me."
"Where?"
"Shut up. Goodnight Tobias."
"Goodnight Abigail. Remember, don't do anything I can't do."
The End