a/n :: This is a little something of angst I wrote while thinking about my inner demons. Read and Respond Please!
*Inner demons*
So every night that I try to feign sleep and this lament goes through my mind.
I used to wake up every Sunday that I could, and visit her grave. My mother's grave. I'd walk up the grassy knoll and deposit the bundle of flowers that I'd purchased. I usually bought white lilies and wrapped them in a bow. Someone once told me that they were her favorite. I don't remember who though…that bothers me.
I stopped visiting her grave once I found out who she was…
*
I used to find it hard to go to his grave. Danny's grave. If things had worked out, we have been engaged for over a year. I used to visit his grave and think about what I had destroyed and who else had been affected. I thought about all the lives he could have saved as a doctor… His friends and family; all the people who cried and missed him because he meant the world to them. I thought about what I had lost. If only I hadn't told him the truth…but I did and the truth killed him.
I stopped visiting his grave when I came back from Taipei the second time.
*
I visit his memorial everyday I can. Vaughn's cenotaph. No matter the weather, I sit on the bench adjacent to the memorial constructed in his honor. You see, they never found his body; at first I was sure he'd survived. I convinced myself he'd escaped somehow. I was so sure that I wouldn't lose someone else; someone who I admired and loved; someone who never knew how I felt. Someone who deserved better…but I was wrong.
Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I talk aloud. Sometimes I pretend it was all a bad dream. I don't care who sees me. I don't know if SD-6 knows why I come here. I don't know if anyone can relate. I know I caused more pain though. To Weiss, To the CIA, to Vaughn's mother…to his friends and to everyone else who passed through his life…It's my fault and I'm more then happy to bear that burden.
He could have helped save more lives. He could have avenged his father's death. He could have done anything with anyone and I took that away from him. Now I feel as though, it's my job to perform his final wishes. I can only guess what they were from Weiss and my haunting dreams.
I donate money every week to charities in his name. He always had a caring heart. I plan to take down SD-6 once I'm back on active duty. After I returned I was recused. At first I fought it, but it's given me more time to wallow. Wallowing at least made me feel like I was being punished.
I wanted to hurt. I wanted to feel pain but all I felt was numbness. I needed to take control. So I stopped eating. Francie noticed and when I refused to head her warnings she called my father. He didn't want to put me in a hospital but swore he would. I don't know if he was serious but I did start eating again.
I stopped caring what I look like. I looked like hell every morning anyways. I stopped bothering with make-up long ago, it never hid anything anyways. The first time I visited him was right after the memorial service. Weiss had to drive me home that day because I couldn't move. I was frozen. I broke down and I wanted to die too.
It should have been me. He was never supposed to come. He was never supposed to know about the mission…he was supposed to be alive. If only we had followed protocol…or maybe if someone else was assigned as my handler…or my favorite "what if"…If I never found out about SD-6. What if I was solely working for the bad guys and didn't know…
A/n :: I have thoughts of a continuation….but let me know if that would be something your interested in. Either way…If you hate it-love it-don't have an opinion- let me know…by the way I've bared a burden my whole life… and it's not easy. (For those who are wondering…I am continuing "Danger will follow", I'm just dodging making revisions on my English Term paper.) Thank you for reading!
*Inner demons*
So every night that I try to feign sleep and this lament goes through my mind.
I used to wake up every Sunday that I could, and visit her grave. My mother's grave. I'd walk up the grassy knoll and deposit the bundle of flowers that I'd purchased. I usually bought white lilies and wrapped them in a bow. Someone once told me that they were her favorite. I don't remember who though…that bothers me.
I stopped visiting her grave once I found out who she was…
*
I used to find it hard to go to his grave. Danny's grave. If things had worked out, we have been engaged for over a year. I used to visit his grave and think about what I had destroyed and who else had been affected. I thought about all the lives he could have saved as a doctor… His friends and family; all the people who cried and missed him because he meant the world to them. I thought about what I had lost. If only I hadn't told him the truth…but I did and the truth killed him.
I stopped visiting his grave when I came back from Taipei the second time.
*
I visit his memorial everyday I can. Vaughn's cenotaph. No matter the weather, I sit on the bench adjacent to the memorial constructed in his honor. You see, they never found his body; at first I was sure he'd survived. I convinced myself he'd escaped somehow. I was so sure that I wouldn't lose someone else; someone who I admired and loved; someone who never knew how I felt. Someone who deserved better…but I was wrong.
Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I talk aloud. Sometimes I pretend it was all a bad dream. I don't care who sees me. I don't know if SD-6 knows why I come here. I don't know if anyone can relate. I know I caused more pain though. To Weiss, To the CIA, to Vaughn's mother…to his friends and to everyone else who passed through his life…It's my fault and I'm more then happy to bear that burden.
He could have helped save more lives. He could have avenged his father's death. He could have done anything with anyone and I took that away from him. Now I feel as though, it's my job to perform his final wishes. I can only guess what they were from Weiss and my haunting dreams.
I donate money every week to charities in his name. He always had a caring heart. I plan to take down SD-6 once I'm back on active duty. After I returned I was recused. At first I fought it, but it's given me more time to wallow. Wallowing at least made me feel like I was being punished.
I wanted to hurt. I wanted to feel pain but all I felt was numbness. I needed to take control. So I stopped eating. Francie noticed and when I refused to head her warnings she called my father. He didn't want to put me in a hospital but swore he would. I don't know if he was serious but I did start eating again.
I stopped caring what I look like. I looked like hell every morning anyways. I stopped bothering with make-up long ago, it never hid anything anyways. The first time I visited him was right after the memorial service. Weiss had to drive me home that day because I couldn't move. I was frozen. I broke down and I wanted to die too.
It should have been me. He was never supposed to come. He was never supposed to know about the mission…he was supposed to be alive. If only we had followed protocol…or maybe if someone else was assigned as my handler…or my favorite "what if"…If I never found out about SD-6. What if I was solely working for the bad guys and didn't know…
A/n :: I have thoughts of a continuation….but let me know if that would be something your interested in. Either way…If you hate it-love it-don't have an opinion- let me know…by the way I've bared a burden my whole life… and it's not easy. (For those who are wondering…I am continuing "Danger will follow", I'm just dodging making revisions on my English Term paper.) Thank you for reading!