Okay. My back is killing me and I really should be asleep, but I'm not tired really so I'll go ahead and post this.
Disclaimer: I own a few of the characters, but that's it.
A/N: This story is COMPLETELY fictional, none of it is true. It may be LIKE a true story, but it's not BASED on it.
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My Sky Rising
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It had been almost three years since I had gotten home and yet I still had nightmares. I'm twenty-four years old and I can hardly manage to leave my apartment without breaking down. Every time I see the message light on my phone flashing I freak. Every time I my phone wrings I worry it's the call I've gotten once before that changed my life.
And now, I don't have a job. People think I'm an alcoholic, but I'm not. Alcohol helps the aching in my heart. I've never gotten drunk before, even if I may drink a lot. When you have my past it's best to just be afraid. Every time I get my courage up, it falls. My parents are supporting me and now I have nowhere to go.
Maybe the truth is I was better off when I was dying. The pain is the same, but the aching isn't. My body aches all over; my heart feels as if it will soon just stop beating. My face isn't the same, now I just can't smile like I used to. I cover my body with long sleeves and jeans to hide the scares. Each night as I change I see something more; one more scar that I don't remember seeing before.
My mind works differently too. I'm afraid that EVERYTHING wrong will happen. If I loose my parents I have nothing left. I'd have to go out on my own; get a job even. I'd have to do it all on my own. I'd have to risk everything all over again; risk my life all over again.
So now, as the tears fall from my eyes and I wonder if I'll ever forget I also wonder if I'll be able to love as I had before I left.
There is nothing I can do about the past, but a lot I can do about the future. I want to make the right choice, but now I don't even know what the right choice is. I wish I could trust myself to make these choices, but I am not ready to accept the consequences. I cannot.
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I was reading a book Mom had bought me when the phone started ringing. I didn't shake like I normally do, I knew who it was. "Hello?" I answered.
"It's Mom. Are you okay, honey?"
I took a deep breath. "Yeah, I'm fine."
"Okay. I just wanted to check on you."
"Thanks, Mom."
"I love you. Bye."
"Bye." I hung up and smiled slightly. I could always tell if it was Mom or Dad calling. Mom always called at night to check on me, Dad always called in the morning.
I started reading again. I could just lay here for hours reading, but in the morning I new I would have to get up.
Sometimes it gets so lonely, but I'm not ready for any man to be around me. I don't think I'll ever be ready again. I've done EVERYTHING I can possibly do. Now, the rest is up to fate. I'll let fate decide the rest of my life, no matter what it chooses. I CAN do it, I am CAPABLE, but every time I just put up this shield and just refuse to go wherever; do whatever… love whoever.
So here I am, scared to death of TOMORROW and praying that this pain will leave. PRAYING that this is all just a dream; a horrible dream, but a dream. I know in my heart this is reality, but I still can't stop hoping. I can't stop. I WON'T stop. Each day as the dread grows, my head, heart and body ach more and more. While there is nothing I can do, I wish there was.
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That night, I lay away, hardly moving. The lights are on because I am too scared of what may lurk in the shadows. I cannot sleep because the wind is blowing tree branches up against my windows. I am afraid that they may not be just branches, but a person.
It may all sound childish, but my worries are worth it if they save me pain in anyway. I admit I do sound like a little kid but at least I feel more safe locked inside my apartment. I hardly sleep at night; the darkness always reminds me of what has happened to me. I'd much rather sleep in the day when it's light and people are walking around. And I lie awake, trembling during the night. I am also too scared to read or watch television. My feat is too distracting and that is my weakness. But lately, it seems that EVERYTHING is my weakness. Sometimes I wonder if I still have any strength, anything left of who I was. I have dreams, yes, but my fear has taken over my body completely.
I keep asking myself what is left of me. Each time I ask I receive the same answer: how can you be the same person if you've lost everything? But I've lost nothing, NOTHING but myself. I've lost my bravery, my pride, my faith, everything. All that is left of me is my fear. The fear to forget. The fear to remember. The fear of life. The fear of death. The fear of… myself; to accept what has happened to me.
My own mother does EVERYTHING for me. She buys my food, pays my bills, shops for me, gets my mail, and she even feels sorry for me. In a way, I wish she didn't. I'm trying to forget and it's hard enough as it is. Mom is just trying to protect me, same with Daddy, but I don't need it. Everyone feels sorry for me and I hate it.
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Okay. There's the first chapter. You will eventually understand all this and it DOES turn into a Dog the Bounty Hunter story in the next chapter. Okay? So don't freak out on me. This story is really different for me. I really messed around with it. Anywho. Hope you liked it!