Week 1
Jay's POV
I don't know why i keep trying to call her, she never picks up anyway. The least she could do is pick up at least one of my calls, all things considered. She left the unit. Erin Lindsay, the princess of Inteligence left the unit. What's worse, she didn't say goodbye. Not just to me, but to anyone. I went into work on Friday morning, last week, and Voight walked in later than normal, saying that Lindsay was on a three week furlough, and walked into his office. No other explaination. It took Al and I a few days to get him to tell us what happened.
And what's worse, Voight isn't going to help me get her back. Something about "she made her own choice." He's acting like he doesn't care. He just dusted his hands and called it a day with her. For someone who loves Erin as if she's his own flesh and blood, he sure as hell isn't acting like it. The only explaination I can come up with, is Erin must have said some real harsh things to make him walk away. Something along the lines of him not being her father and that Bunny is the better parent.
It's not so much that she's away for three weeks, it's that I know her head's in a bad spot. And with Er, I know that means her furlough is a drunken, drug induced haze. Filled with self doubt and self hatred. What makes things worse, as if that's possible, Bunny is there to keep Erin company. To "help her grieve" as she told Voight. I've never liked Bunny. Not that I've had many experiences with her. But the untold damage she caused Erin, the self hatred, the feeling of being worthless, that's what I hate Bunny for. I love Erin, and I have for quite some time. I'm sure everyone knows it except Erin. She's my best friend, my partner. And I want to grow old with her, have kids with her, and go to the cabin in Winsconcin. But she's lost someone dear to her heart. We all have. But she blames herself. She believes she killed Nadia. Not directly of course, but she believes that if she had just left Nadia alone, never gave her her card, Nadia would still be alive. At least that's why I think she quit the unit, her family.
So, here I am, Thursday night, driving around town, going to all of the bars, looking for Erin, knowing that I won't find her. The last few nights, I've been parked outside her building all night, waiting for her to come home. A home that she shared with Nadia. She stumbles home late, normally around 3:30 am, with a different random guy each night. I can tell she's on something and drunk. I know there is no reason to be jealous of the random guys she sleeps with. But I am. It should be me giving her comfort, what ever method she needs.
But I know her. And I know her well. These random guys are here to see if she can still feel something. To take away the numbness she's been living in. But they won't work. Not in the long run anyway. I know that when it's over, she'll feel even worse and she'll take some more just to fall asleep. She'll wake up, late in the afternoon, needing a fix, just trying to forget it all. My girls drug of choice is oxycodone. Crush 'em and snort 'em. Then while she waits for the pills to work, she'll take shots of vodka. If she runs out, she'll run to Bunny. Same old thing, same routine.
After driving around for a while, I park in front of her building, settling in with an energy drink and a snack, knowing that tonight is going to be a long night, just like the rest. That's when I see her stumble to the front steps of her building with a new random wrapped around her shoulders. I take a closer look, trying to engrain this guys face to mind, just like the rest, when I notice he looks like me. Normally, if a woman I knew dated someone who resembled me, it would make me laugh. But not with Erin, tonight I am even more concerned, if that's even possible. As she leans against the building to get her keys from her purse, she makes I contact with me. I'm frozen, I have no idea how she's going to react, and I get the sense she doesn't either. The random guy says something, and catches her attention again, she smirks and kisses him. And they make their way into her building.
This past week, I've been an emotional roller coaster. High anger to low saddness to flat out frustration that I am losing Erin in this whole mess. From Voight not giving two shits, to the rest of the unit at a lost as to how to help, but not wanting to piss off Voight, to me trying to focus on the case at hand, when all I want to do is be with Erin, making sure she knows she will get through the grief, and that she is not alone.
I know I haven't really grieved for Nadia, how could I? I know I will live through my grief, Erin on the other hand, either Bunny's drugs were going to kill her, or the shady people she was surounding herself with will.
I'm furious that she's got a "Jay" look-a-like with her right now. I'm furious that he's touching her like I used too. I'm furious that she felt it was a good idea to search out for someone who looks like me, but isn't me. What the hell is going through her head? Doesn't she see that she's not alone? That no matter what, I'm here for her? So I sit here, hoping, no praying, that this guy would leave for the night, and not stay like the rest. An hour goes by, then two hours. I look at the clock, knowing that I should head home and sleep for a few hours before I need to be at the station.
Just as I am about to turn the car back on, I see him walk out of the building, clearly pissed off about something. Oh how I hope he didn't hurt Erin. As I get out of the car and walk towards the building my phone starts ringing, Tom Petty singing along about free falling. I answer as soon as I can fish it out of my pocket. "Erin, are you alright?"
"Stop looking for me. Stop waiting outside my building. And stop calling. I'm not coming back, not to you, not to Voight, not to 21." and she hangs up.
I just stand there. Stunned. I thought I was being stealth sitting outside of her building. Borrowed Mouse's car and everything. I go back to the car, and sit for a few minutes before I send her a text, knowing she won't take my call.
"You can try to push me away all you want. I'm not going anywhere. When you're done feeling sorry for yourself, when you're done acting like a teenager, I'm still going to be here. So that hole you're digging, well, just know that the further you dig, the more it hurts you, and you alone. Not that I need to remind you, but you have a family, and you have a support system and you are loved. We may not be your family by blood, but we sure as hell are the family that matters."
_
Week 2
Erin's POV
Don't they get it? Don't they understand by now? I'm trying to protect them, not run away from them! I am bad news. Everyone I care about gets hurt, one way or another. Of course I'm keeping my distance from the unit. I need to keep them safe, alive. I killed Nadia. No way I'm making that mistake twice in one lifetime. So I ignore the phone calls and text messages. I ignore Antonio knocking on my door at lunch time. I pretend that I don't see Jay outside my building. But the loneliness is eating away at me. So, I find someone at night who reminds me of him. Remind me of his blue eyes, or his smirk. Someone who laughs like him. Or has his sense of humor. If I can't be with him, I want to keep his memory alive in me. I want him to be close to me where ever I am, what ever state I am in.
The worst part is keeping away from the only family that I've ever known hurts, no that's not strong enought of a word... it's not pain, it's torture, if I'm being honest. But keeping my distance is what's best. So I drown myself in the only escape that I know. The alchohol and the drugs keep them from the forefront. I can breathe when I'm using. The escape is the only thing that matters. The numbness that arrives after using, that's the holy grail. And using whomever to get there is how I manage. Who better to use than the "mother" who desprately wants you back in her life? The one who will do anything, including, no especially, ruin her sobriety to keep you near. So that's what I do. I party with Bunny, keep her close, so I can escape the death of my friend, my roommate, and the ones I left behind at the station.
"We may not be your family by blood, but we sure as hell are the family that matters", it's like I can hear him say the words out loud. The words aren't angry, but of concern. The concern, that's what makes it worse. I desprately want to hug him and tell him it will be alright. That we will always be partners, and will always have his back, no matter what. But I can't do that, and keep him safe. All of this would be for nothing. So I delete the text message, and score some coke to take away the memory.
Week 3
Since the night Erin called him, Jay stopped looking for her. All he could do, was count down the days until her furlough was over, and hope that she was coming back. He didn't care if she didn't want to be his partner anymore, or even if she wanted to transfer out to a different district. He just wanted her back to the person he knew her to be. Days went by, and he didn't mention her once. He never told anyone about the phone call. He didn't know how to put his fear of losing her for good into words. So he played by her rules.
Jay threw himself into work, staying late to finish the paperwork that was piling up since Erin left. Then he would head to the gym for a few hours, until he was exhausted and would fall asleep as soon as he got home, and would repeat it all over again the next day. Then the day came when her furlough expired the next day. Jay was distracted all day, and everyone knew why. After a brief moment with Al at the end of shift, Hank told Jay to give it up, that she wasn't coming back.
Her not coming back wasn't something he could deal with. After the gym that night, Jay was wide away, unable to be defeated by the work out. So he went home and tried to come up with a plan to get her back to work. Back to the family that she's apart of. Hours went by to no avail. Then it hit him, he wouldn't be able to let go until he looked her in the eye and saw that she was really gone. That his partner was not coming back.
Jay sat outside of the bar that pinged her cell phone last. He looked at the dash board, 7:30 am. And she still hadn't left. The 300 was out front, so he knew she was inside. Needing to stretch his legs, he stood by the SUV, hoping she would come out soon, he had to go to the station in a few. And then it happened, the doors opened and a crowd of people filed out. Erin being one of them.
Erin just wanted sleep, she was crashing hard, and knew she wouldn't be able to get a fix until this afternoon. Walking out of the bar, and seeing Jay was the last thing she expected. She could see the hurt in his eyes. She realized that he was taking this all on himself. That he blamed himself for her leaving. Erin could see the tears building up in his eyes, and she would bet her last $20 that her face matched his. She could have ran to him and consoled him, tell him that she was sorry and for him to take her home. But then Nadia's death would be for nothing. Getting Nadia killed out mean nothing if she ran back to them. So she stood there, waiting for Jay to say what he needed to say. "I don't know who you are, but if you see Lindsay, tell her she made me a better cop". His words cut her like a knife. He wasn't worried about her coming home. He was worried that she was losing herself in this hole. The hole that she got so used to, that she found comfort in. And that's what hurt her the most. So she reminded herself that keeping away from them all kept them alive, and that was a sacrifice worth making.
After dealing with the guy at the apartment door, and needing space from Bunny, Erin went to her room to take the pills and fall back asleep. She wasn't ready to deal with her mother and the day just yet. Not after what Jay said to her that morning. Then her phone rang.
Seeing it was Al, she answered. She knew he would accept her reasons, if he asked. But he didn't ask. He called to tell Erin that Jay was kidnapped.
Erin hung up the phone quickly. Not understanding what happened. Took the pills and fell asleep. Waking up throughout the day, she took more pills, pretending that the brief conversation with Al didn't happen. Coming to in the middle of the night, she knew she had to get Jay back. Then she would leave. She would make sure he was alive and then say her goodbyes. She needed to get out of this city. She was starting to believe that her and Chicago didn't mix well. So Erin ate some food, something she hadn't done in days, showered and headed over to 21. Hopefully she wasn't too late.
Walking up the stairs to Intelligence, she knew that no matter what Hank said, she was going to get him back. She heard Adam first, yelling that he wasn't going to lose his partner and fiance in one day, and then they all saw her. "I'll go." she said walking towards Hank and nodding the the rest of the unit. "Get her out of here!" Hank yelled.
Seeing Hank caused her to choke up. She knew him well enough to know that the anger he was displaying was really pain. She knew she hurt him. She knew her behavior would hurt him the most. But she wasn't here for herself or for him, she was here for Jay.
"You know I'm the only who can do it. They asked for a female cop right? We both know I'm the right person for the job." Erin said back. She needed Hank to see her reason. If anyone was going to go into a hostage situation to get Jay back, it should be her.
"Are you here to get your partner back or your boyfriend?" he shouted back. Knowing that he wanted this to be a big fight so she would storm off, she stood her ground. This wasn't about her and Hank and their history. It was all about Jay. The only thing that mattered was Jay.
"Does it matter?" she asked, looking him square in the eye. Hoping that he would understand.
Hank saw the guilt in her eyes and the tears threatening to spill over. But he also saw the Erin he knew, not the junky she had returned to be. Hank was furious that she had the balls to show up at the 11th hour, but he was also mad that she wasn't there to prevent this from happening in the first place. Knowing full well that if she had been there at the drop, Jay would still be here. She would have seen things that no one else would have. Erin would have been able to stop this whole situation. But she wasn't there. And Jay was taken and being tortured. Something Hank never wanted to see again. Something that should never have happened in the first place. Jay was god knows where, and Erin should have been there!
After telling her as much, he pulled out her badge and gun "This is on loan, this is only to get Jay back and at the end of the day, I want you to give it back, you understand? You are not back at the district. You are just to do the drop."
Erin knew as much, it's what she wanted. She nodded her head and joined the rest of the boys in the pen. Loading up the 300 with the box of fake CI files, Al gave her a carbonite knife. Erin would always be greatful to that man, a man she considered to be an uncle. And then it all happened so fast...