A/N:
For Milly (Aqua Cahill); here's some (slightly dark) Rose/Scor for you! You're the best, wifey; I hope you like this!
Also for:
Issues/Sensitive Topic Challenge by this is my kingdom come, prompt: bipolar disorder
The Scrabble Challenge by xPerfectlImperfect, prompt – fanatic.
The fan-fiction terms category completion by turn out fine (Nina), prompt: review (write about a character helping someone else)
Pendulum
And on it goes. I can't tell you that it's all over now, and the episodes that have spanned over half my lifetime are now safely tucked away in the safest corners of my memories. They still come back, sweeping me away with the grandeur of my thoughts and insanity of my happiness and bringing me back down with a thump so hard that my bones shake and shiver and threaten to crack into a billion little pieces. There are times I want to run and scream and peel the skin off my body with masochistic pleasure, watching the crimson blood ooze out from every little millimetre of flesh that's exposed as the skin is ripped off it. There are times I see myself drowning slowly, slowly, slowly, seeping into an ocean of salty tears and salty water and murky sand that robs me of my sight as I sit mute, tortured, a prisoner of the demons of my own mind. But the demons don't belong to my mind; my mind is the demon, or so I've now come to believe as it rages and howls with the voice it has stolen from me.
But then an arm reaches out and a warm, sturdy palm grasps my cold little one, reminding me of the fact that I don't have to go through everything alone. It does nothing to stop me from drowning; that is a solo journey that I take each night to the depth of the ocean while the midnight waters seduce me into staying just a little bit longer each night. But those warm sturdy arms, they remind me of home, of the little blue candle I light with the flames in the common room and of how I love curling my toes up in front of that very same fireplace during winter. They can't stop me from drowning, but they do stop me from staying buried alone forever. And they hold me steady as I shake like the dying embers of a flame starved for air, searching in vain for a state of euphoria I've reached and don't recognise as happiness anymore.
Fourth Year, October; Depression
"Scorpius!"
Rose screamed again and again, her frightened screams waking up half the dorm and causing goosebumps to erupt all over Pam Longbottom's skin as she rushed over to Rose's bedside, shaking.
"Rose. Rose! Wake up!"
Rose thrashed around in bed, flailing her arms and legs around the four poster bed and very much in danger of falling out. Pam plopped herself up on the bed and tried awakening Rose, beginning with gentle movements that quickly progressed to a harsh shake as the girl refused to wake up. Her eyeballs danced a dance of death while her eyes refused to open.
"Rose Weasley, wake up right now!"
Pam's tone resembled Hermione's so much that it reached out to a struggling Rose who was ensnared by the dark tendrils of her nightmares, allowing her to slowly transcend back to reality.
"Mum," she groaned, the misery slowly lifting.
"Rose, hey. What's wrong? It's Pam, Rose…" Pam trailed off, uncertain. She had heard about Rose's nightmares from Albus, the only other person who was truly aware of her problems. But this was the first time she had had the chance to personally witness her best friend's trauma.
"Pam?" She gingerly extricated herself from the covers she had entwined around herself and sat up, rubbing her eyes.
Pam waited for Rose to speak as the words struggled to emerge.
"I…I thought I saw…Pam, I need to go to the Slytherin dorms," she pleaded, her eyes wild with worry.
Pam did a double take. This was the last thing she'd expected despite hearing Rose scream his name out.
"Scorpius," she began crying, and the great, heaving sobs wracked her entire body; she was a leaf struggling to retain her grasp on a branch that was being tormented in the tempest.
"Rose, please calm down, I'm here with you…breathe, Rosie, breathe!" Pam cried out in alarm as she watched Rose cry and cry without pausing to inhale a single breath.
Rose began talking really fast, her words tumbling over each other like an unrestrained stream and Pam strained hard to catch the words.
"He was bathed in blood, and the whole place was barren…there was no life anywhere, not even a plant in sight, and the sky was red so red, as red as the bloodshed ground… and there was this vicious dark magic fanatic beating him up, calling him a traitor, a shame to the Malfoy name and a fool for being with me, for looking at me, even…" she ran out of air and gasped, still crying.
"Rosie, it was just a nightmare, nothing of the sort is ever going to happen – do you really want to frighten Scorpius right now and risk getting caught and severely punished for roaming the castle at night? Pam's voice was a soothing chant, allowing Rose to relax if only for a minute.
She pondered over this for a minute before nodding tearfully. "Of course, you're absolutely right. How could I…I was so lost…I just need to see him, to see that he's still alive…"
"Rose, he's fast asleep and snoring down by the dungeons. Go meet him before breakfast, okay? Now go back to sleep, Rose, and remember that I'll be right here with you."
Rose couldn't process any more information and just nodded mutely as Pam tucked her in and stroked her matted red hair as Rose slowly sank into a blank, dreamless slumber.
Pam stroked her hair and spoke comfortingly about sweet nothings as she prayed desperately for the girl to sleep peacefully. It must be all those stories about the Battle of Hogwarts and the whole war, Pam mused. She was more than aware of the horrific happenings that both their parents had been actively trapped in and the huge role they had all played the vanquishing Voldemort. The name still managed to inspire some fear in her, and she could only just imagine how terrified her parents would have been, as well as Rose's who she knew had been away, fighting and hiding, best friends with the Boy Who Lived.
"Shh," Pam soothed as Rose whimpered a little, unconscious. And so Rose slept as Pam kept watch, robbed of sleep for the night.
Fifth Year, Aboard Hogwarts Express; Mania
"LUUUUUUCY! Oh, LUUUUUUCY!" Rose couldn't stop yelling, and while James looked on with a small smile, Albus was not so amused.
"Oh, Luuuucy! Stop snogging so much and come join us, will you?" She threw her head back and laughed, and infectious laughter that soon had the entire compartment in fits.
"Oh, Rose, Luce is going to murder you!" Hugo shrieked with laughter as James made kissing noises.
"Austin, I love you so much, kiss me Austin!" Fred yelled, as Roxanne shot him a severe glare.
"For your kind information, Fred, Luce has gone to talk to Stacey about something very important!"
"And how would you know, Roxy darling?" Rose grinned as she swung around the sweets trolley and swooped down besides Roxanne. "Do you happen to be snogging Austin instead?"
Roxanne turned a deep red which Rose spotted within seconds.
"Roxy, you like Austin!" Rose's shrill voice made her cringe, and Roxanne hastened to silence her cousin as she groaned. She wouldn't be surprised if the whole train as well as the parents at the station knew all about her love-life right now.
"James, you simply have to help Roxy, Austin's in your potions class, isn't he?" Rose turned to James for confirmation, who only nodded with an ear-spitting grin.
A disgruntled Albus caught Rose's hand and motioned for her to get up. Her smile vanished immediately as she got up complacently, if only the slightest bit sulky.
"Hey, save our seats alright? And Luce's as well. We'll be right back. And James," he added, a stern look creeping into his eyes. "Don't get too many sweets when the trolley comes around, okay?"
James nodded again, not knowing why Albus had given him such an unconventional warning but well-recognising the severity in his expression. "Will do, Al."
Albus smiled his thanks and dragged a now sulky Rose out of their compartment and to the very end of the train, not speaking till the two had reached the empty space often used by couples for a quick snog before reaching Hogwarts.
"Rose."
She looked at him stormily.
"Thanks for ruining my day, Albus; I don't understand why it is so difficult for you to see me happy!" She stomped her foot angrily, crossing her hands over her chest with a stubborn expression that reminded Albus so much of his aunt Hermione.
He thought of her now as he caught Rose' palm in his hand and stroked it gently like aunt Hermione had asked him to, in times like this. Out of all their cousins, Rose and Albus were the best of friends, and he along with Hugo were the only two in the family who were completely aware of the existence of Rose's bipolar disorder and the crippling effect it could have in her, once triggered.
It pained him to see the others laugh and cheer her on as she got into the craziest of scrapes and spoke the most scandalous of things, things that their other less-courageous batch mates lacked the ability to utter. He hated seeing her used the way she was, as an entertainer, as a common circus clown when she was engulfed by mania and the disgusting ease with which they abandoned her as she was gripped by the black hole of depression.
"Rosie, control. Just a little bit."
"But I'm happy." He sighed; she was being even more stubborn than usual.
"And I'm happy that you are, Rosie. But what is it that makes you happy?" It was a simple question but one that pierced her right at the centre of her confused soul and she faltered for minutes, chewing on her thumb before looking back at Albus, blank and teary.
"It's my mania again, isn't it?" she whispered, the tears falling fast now as Albus mentally smacked himself in the head for being so blatant with her.
"How can I know when I'm really happy, Albus?" she asked him with huge eyes that broke his heart.
"Albus, may I steal Rose away for a moment, please?"
Scorpius materialised behind Albus as he jumped a little in shock, after which a tentative smile crossed his face.
"Hey, Scor. Er…" His words died on his tongue as Rose yelled his name out in delight and flung herself at him.
"Oof, Rose. Hey, you," Scorpius hugged her tight, playing with her hair. He was facing Albus, and a look of understanding passed between the two boys, and in that moment Albus knew two things; that Scorpius could help Rosie more than he ever could, and that he was already aware of everything that was going on with her. He nodded, mouthed his thanks and proceeded to walk back.
"We're all in compartment four, alright? We'll save a seat for you two." Scorpius smiled and nodded while Rose voiced her assent.
Now that Scorpius had her all to himself, he slowly pulled away from her, still maintaining a grip on her as he looked into her eyes.
"Rosie, is there something you have to tell me?" Scorpius was incapable of beating around the bush, something Rose loved immensely about him as she was just the same.
A look of immense shame crept into her eyes and she was unable to face him.
"Rosie, love; look at me?" It was an earnest request, but Rose only shook her head.
"When did the nightmares begin, Rose?"
Her head flew up as she stared at him, agape.
"You know?"
"I do."
"Since when, Scor?"
"It doesn't matter, Rosie. Why wouldn't you come to me? Am I that hard to talk to? You know that I'd rather die than let harm befall you?" His voice shook with a million emotions and his eyes shone with unspoken pain. He breathed forcibly, steadying himself. It would simply not do to get worked up just then; he was supposed to be taking care of her.
"I wanted to, I did! But then I dreamt of you dead, and I wanted to see for myself that you were alive, and I wanted to be with you so bad, but it was just too late into the night, and then I was terrified that you'd think of me as retarded, as someone you couldn't even be friends with, I hated myself so much, Scor, for being the way I am and for not being able to talk to you, and…"
She was speaking fast again, her lips a blur as the words tumbled out unrestrained and her chest heaved with worry and exhaustion and that bittersweet pain of catharsis.
He put a finger over her lips while his other hand brushed her hair back and then cupped her cheek, effectively silencing her.
Her eyes grew huge and her dark pupils swallowed the blue orbs as his warm lips closed the gap between them while his hands slipped down to her waist and pulled her closer to him, entwining behind her back.
"I love you," he whispered at her lips and then kissed them again. She responded with soft, sweet kisses and his heart swelled with love.
"I'm always here for you, be it the dead of the night or during Quidditch practice," he said, pulling apart just the smallest bit. "Don't even think that I'd let you go. I won't, not even for a minute. You're mine, Rose Weasley," he declared, sealing his words with another kiss.
The tears poured freely as she nodded mutely, rigid in his warm embrace. Words weren't needed anymore, and they stood there for a long time with her cold frame enveloped in his warm one as the train rumbled away into the dark of the night.
I still remember the first time we met; I was high on life, or so I'd assumed before I was diagnosed that miserable August afternoon. His deep grey eyes had set the butterflies in my tummy abuzz, and I knew right then that I had to be his friend, if nothing more. But then there was the awful day he'd seen me sob my heart out by the Owlery as I sat by a pile of owl droppings, staring at Teddy's and Vic's wedding photos as the sobs refused to loosen their grip on my heart and my lungs. It wasn't until much later that Albus had gone to mum, and mum had taken me to both Mungo's as well as her old Muggle healer friend and I was quickly put on sedatives.
Those little white pills clogged my mind and made me into a person that I couldn't recognise anymore, let alone anyone else. I don't remember much from that time, except that I slept a lot. I slept during lessons, I slept in between dinner. I even fell asleep in the middle of interesting conversations, and no one really stopped teasing me after that. I began hating myself, hating the inexplicable spirit that gripped me, seemingly possessed me and forced into me its moods, taking me to the zeniths of ecstasy one day and burying me beneath piles and piles of heart-wrenching grief the next.
I do recall a single pair of grey eyes, however. They watched me and watched over me, clouding with concern when the rest were busy laughing at my antics or shining with fear when I shivered. We fought, we became friends. He became Albus' closest friend at school before he became my best friend. I fell for him; he fell for me, too.
But it then fall in love we did; we dated, we kissed, we had a relationship. And it took every ounce of my determination to keep my demons hidden safely away from Scorpius' view. My efforts were in vain though and he'd seen through me and understood me in ways I was unable to reach out to myself. And after years of pushing people away and being an object that could only be admired from afar, I had someone.
There was just one thing I whispered to him that day aboard the train, a promise he vowed to uphold; stay.
Please do drop a review and tell me what you think!