CHAPTER ONE

White. It's blindingly bright. Blurry. What's happening? It's too bright in here. Where am I? I can't see anything, can't make anything out. Why is it so bright?

"Hey, how are you feeling?" A soft voice something floating over me. Darker then the whiteness but not by much. A blurry shape. A disconnected orb. What is it? Why does my head hurt so much?

Darkness fringing the edge of my vision. It's closing in. A welcome feeling.

"We're losing him again!" Sharper. Loud voice. Anxiety maybe? Worry? I can't tell. My head really hurts. Just let the blackness take over. Numb. I can't feel anything. That's better. All black. It doesn't hurt anymore. This is ok. I am slipping. What's happening? Uh-oh. Shouting voices, but they're getting fainter. Can't make them out. Losing consciousness.

White again. Still blinding, but its more bearable. The blurry outlines pull a little more into focus. My eyes roam around. I can't quite figure out how to move the rest of my body. I'm in some kind of white…box? Room? I can't tell. Its square shaped. The corners are coming into focus. A blurry outline of… A door? Where am I? What's going on? Why does me head hurt so much? Antiseptic. Sterilized. Clean. That's what this place smells like. I hate that smell. But it's so familiar… Why? There's rustling off to my left. What's going on? Why can't I move to look? What's happened? Why am I here? Where is here?

There is a whimper. Where did that come from? Oh God, was that me? I can't control my body! Oh God, Oh God, OH GOD! Fuck. I don't understand. Where am I?

What is that? A pale orb. An outline of a… a… person? Yes. A person is standing over me. White coat. Blends in well. Disguise, camouflage, good for when you're hiding from the enemy. Who is the enemy here? Is that person the enemy? Should I shoot them? Where is my gun? Why don't I have it? Wait, no, I am the enemy. My head. That's been my enemy for ages now. Why? Something happened. Hurt. Pain. Why can't I remember anything? War. That's what I'm in now. Right? I'm confused. My thoughts are so jumbled. I don't understand this. Was I shot? Yes. In the shoulder. Left shoulder. Why do I hurt so much in my chest then? And my head, Oh God my head hurts.

"Are you awake now?" Whose there?! Soft voice. I shouldn't trust it. You can't trust anyone in war. But it's not an angry voice. It's soothing. Calming. They're leading me on. Don't trust them. Could be dangerous. Oh God. Could be dangerous. Could be dangerous. Could be dangerous. Why is that familiar? Why does it hurt so much? Pain, heartache. Could be dangerous. I don't understand. Could be dangerous.

"John, look at me." No. It's the enemy. No, I'm the enemy. My head is. Not the person. Look up. Blurry shape. Wait, it's coming into focus. Lean and pale. A woman. Black hair. Startling blue eyes. Kind. She looks kind. She is not the enemy John. John? Who is John? That sounds familiar. Is that me? She said John. Was she talking to me? Is my name John? Damn it! Why can't I remember my own name?

"Can you see me? Blink if you can." A command. I follow commands. That is what a soldier does. He follows commands. Can I see her? Yes. She is going out of focus again. Wait no, those eyes. So blue. Someone else had blue eyes. Who? They were such a beautiful blue. I loved them. Loved? Why past tense what happened? Something bad. No! It was my fault! Something happened because of me! I let something happen to those blue eyes! I don't deserve to still be here. Why am I still here? I hurt those blue eyes! ME.

"John?" Oh, right. The command. Can I see her? Yes. So blink. Once. You can do that John. Blink. Everything is dark for a second. That's what happens when you blink. It goes black. I like black. It's comforting. Last few times I've seen black all the pain goes away. I like that. I don't like feeling the pain. It hurts. And before that… black. Blue eyes and black. Something black went with those beautiful blue eyes. Those blue eyes which are gone because of me. All my fault. I don't want to be here. I want to be with those blue eyes. Why am I not with them?

"John has regained consciousness, but is still all over the place. My guess is he can't remember much. Can't remember how to move his body, how to talk. Can't remember why he is here." Fainter. The voice is growing fainter. The person has moved away from right above me. They are leaving. Good. Alone. I don't want people here. I want to be alone. I want the blackness again. Everything is easier in the blackness. No pain. No thoughts. Why can't I go back there?

Wait, what is happening? Can't… Focus… Slipping …Black…Good…

"John! OH MY GOD! Johnny baby! Please wake up!" Different voice. Still female. Scared. Hysteric. Why is she being so loud? What is wrong? And why is she calling my name? I am right here. She woke me up. From the blackness. Why did she wake me? I don't like being woken. A blurry outline above me. A person. She is coming into focus. Crying. Why is she crying? I know her. How do I know her? She is so familiar. This is too confusing.

I feel different now. Lighter. I can move my head. Roll it from side to side. And wiggle my fingers. Does this mean I can talk too? I like this feeling. I don't feel as constricted. That's nice.

"Johnny, can you hear me?"

I should try and say yes. "Mmmphhf" That wasn't a yes. Was that even me?

"Oh Johnny! You're awake! Oh thank God! It's going to be ok. Everything will be fine, I promise Johnny. You're going to be ok." She is crying again. Why is she crying? I don't think she needs to cry.

Wait, blackness again. No! Why? I'm slipping again… This doesn't make sense, I want to stay… No, I don't. Blackness is good. I like black. I want to slip.

"Where am I?" Ow! My head. Why did I sit up so fast? How did I sit up so fast? I am feeling better. My chest. Ow. This hurts. I'm going to lay back down now.

"John! Glad to see you're awake now," Female. She is above me, with those blue eyes. "How are you feeling?"

"My head hurts. And my chest. I don't feel so great." I tell her. I can talk. "Where am I? What am I doing here?"

"John, do you remember anything?"

"No. Wait yes, I am in war. Was I shot? Is that why I am here? Where is here?"

"John, you aren't in war. That was many years ago." Many years ago… What has happened since then? I don't understand.

"Then where am I?"

"At the hospital John. You tried to kill yourself last night.