Bloopers/ Scenes That Didn't Make The Cut
As per request, I'm doing a stupid collection of bloopers and scenes 'cut' from the story. I am doing this because I have to have some comedy in my stories, and the next two have ZIPPO. Therefore, anything you read in here is whatever I can think of that might be fun to warp in my stories. The first thing is a 'cut scene', however, I'll be going back, looking for blooper opportunities later. This WILL NOT be updated often, as I have few ideas for this. If you know something you'd like to see here, let me know, and I'll try to write it. Enough ANs. Enjoy the show, review, email me, you know the drill.
~RotH, between the last chapter and epilogue 2.~
Dilandau looked around the place, shivering as the souls of the dead passed by and through him. Hell, was he glad to be getting out of ....Hell. He felt the warm glow in his pocket which had magically appeared in his armor after his death, and decided that dying was not a fun process to go through. Especially if you were *supposed* to be alive.
Scowling, he pushed through the crowds of people all making a steady line to... somewhere. He didn't want to find out yet. Ahead of him lay the vast gates of the Dead, where all souls entered and none returned. Well, none save for him. He was Dilandau Albatou, afterall.
The gates themselves had been hewn from great slabs of black stone, skulls and skeletons moaning in silent agony as demons ripped through the souls carved above the large doors. It was a piece of utmost horror and supposed to instill fear amidst all those who traveled the path of the dead. The souls of those gone stole glimpses of the gruesome portal before shuddering into their vegetative state of walking.
Dilandau found himself rather liking the piece- it wasn't something you'd want decorating your bedroom door's frame, but put in full view of the public by placing it around your front door to ward off any fools who came to call would be an excellent location. When he got back, he'd have to commission someone to make a copy.
He stepped to the large door, nearing the exit with each quick pace. He could almost feel the heat returning to him, feel his body claiming him back, feel Celena's arms around his middle-
Looking down, he found that not only was it NOT Celena hugging him around the waist, the young boy who stood before him was also in his way. The young boy's face lacked the stoned look of the souls passing by them; the little brat had the nerve to scowl at him! Dilandau growled at the twerp, determined to put him in his place.
"Move munchkin. I'm going back." He tried shifting the brat to the side by grabbing the back of his collar, but the runt was remarkably heavy for his size. Dilandau stared down at the boy for a moment, then burst into hysterical laughter.
"Gods! Don't tell me YOU'RE the Gate Keeper!!" He circled the boy, poking here and there to see if the kid was for real or not. The boy's eyebrow twitched as he was prodded here and there, then at last his patience ran out. Making an oversized hammer appear out of nowhere in true anime style, of course he hit Dilandau over the head, knocking our dashing hero to the ground and out of the realm of consciousness for a bit. When he came to, the little punk was glaring down at him, hammer ready and chest puffed out.
"I am Dante, the Keeper of the Gates of the Dead, mighty shinigami* and Master Riddller!! None are allowed to pass without answering my questions three!!" Dilandau groaned unhappily as he got to his feet, wincing as he rubbed the back of his head.
"The Hell I do! I'm guaranteed another go- I got my wish granted and I got a "Get out of Hell Free" card from that dead Priestess chick. See, look." He rummaged through his magical pocket, trying to find the aforementioned card, then pulled it out after a moment's search. The young boy looked at the card with a scrutinizing gaze, absorbing the details of the cartoonesque man jumping out of a cage engulfed by flames and surrounded by small devils. Dante frowned, looking at the card several times.
"Well.... it does seem to be genuine...." Dilandau snorted impatiently, triumph gleaming in his eyes.
"Of course it's genuine, you little brat! I was given a pardon by the Gods!" The gate keeper sulked unhappily at this.
"I don't see why.. I read your record, and you're a big dork!" Dilandau snarled at this comment, but the boy went on, upset.
"I'm way older than you too, so stop calling me runt and kid and stuff!! I could just pretend I didn't know it was real, and then force you back through the gate! Or I could tear it up and not let you pass at all, so nyaaaah!!" The kid stuck out his tongue to show just how very old and mature he was, before continuing his tirade.
"I'm not gonna let you pass until you ask me nicely, you big dummy! Say please, and I'll let you go." Dilandau growled at this idea. Dilandau Albatou did NOT say please to little snot-nosed runts. He snarled, advancing on the brat.
"I'm supposed to be alive again, right now. If you don't get your skinny ass out of the way NOW, punk, I'll file a complaint with your boss. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going back so I can start making mad hot kinky love with- CHESTA???" Dilandau's gaze widened as the boy appeared through the gate, followed by several other familiar faces.
"Dalet? Viole? Jajuka? Maverick?" The young God of Death shook his head condescendingly.
"You'll feel like crap when you're first rejuvenated, unless your stamina is inhuman. But, all of them at once? You really do like it kink-"
"YOU KEEP OUT OF THIS, YOU... YOU.... YOU!!!" Dilandau turned his attention back to the five men standing before him, anxious looks on their faces. Without further ado, Dilandau went up and slapped each one of them.
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING, DYING AGAIN?? DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO BE CAREFUL?? DIDN'T CELENA WARN YOU TO KEEP SAFE??? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED????" A young voice interjected the answer in his tirade.
"They got in a fight with a falling down mountain, and lost badly. You wouldn't know anything about it, now would you? Anyway, say your goodbyes now, because they've got a long road ahead of them." Dilandau turned on the boy who'd dared interrupt his ranting, scowling.
"They're not going anywhere except with me! They're going to be revived too, so get out of the way, you little prick!" Dilandau tried shoving the boys through the portal, only to find them being repelled back by a no-longer-tiny God of Death Dante.
The boy, er, demon, was now over twenty feet tall, and had grown an impressive set of bat wings to go with his glowing red eyes. Dilandau twitched slightly as Beast Boy roared above them. Oh goody, he grew fangs too, was Dilandau's only thought.
"I AM NOT GOING TO LET THEM THROUGH WITHOUT ANSWERING MY RIDDLES! THIS IS THE WAY OF DEATH AND...DEATH! NOW, PUNY MORTALS, ANSWER MY FIRST QUESTION, SO THAT YOU MIGHT RETURN TO THE LAND OF THE LIVING! FIRST, WHAT IS RED AND HOT???"
Silence filled the-umm, whatever you want to call the void. It also overcame the group as they wondered what in the hell kind of question that was. Dilandau snapped angrily,
"Fire, stupid! What kind of morons do you take us for?" Dante roared again, outrage in his booming voice.
"YOU THINK THAT WAS AN EASY QUESTION, MORTAL?? I WAS SIMPLY TESTING YOU, TO SEE IF YOU WERE UP TO THE CHALLENGE! LET US SEE HOW YOU FARE WITH MY SECOND RIDDLE! QUESTION TWO; DO GODS REALLY EXIST??" Again, silence greeted him. This time, however, it was Maverick who spoke up.
"Umm, no offense or anything, but that's a retarded question."
"YOU DARE INSULT MY RIDDLE?? WHY IS IT RETARDED AS YOU PUT IT, SMALL CREATURE???" Maverick cleared his throat to speak, but Dalet cut it off.
"Because you said yourself that you were a shinigami- a God of Death ! If the Gods do not exist, then you would not exist, because you yourself are a God. By saying they do not exist, you deny your own very existence! By your own argument, you wouldn't exist! The answer is yes, they do, but you need to come up with something more intelligent than that." Some of the souls had stopped walking on their trip to watch the amusing scene, and were cheering the boys on with lively- well, as lively as they could muster, being dead and all- cheers.
Dante stood stone still, contemplating this fact for several minutes. Finally, he gave up trying to figure out what on earth the puny human had meant, and shouted for silence once more.
"YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SMART, HUMANS, BUT YOU HAVE YET TO ANSWER MY THIRD AND FINAL QUESTION!! ANSWER IT, AND I WILL REVIVE THE SIX OF YOU. GET IT WRONG, AND THE FIVE WHO JOINED THE ALBINO FOOL WILL ALL BE SENT ON!!" Dilandau shouted up at the boy, growing weary of the farcical scene.
"Just ask your damned question already!" The giant being smirked, victory already gleaming in his eyes.
"HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE-ROLL POP??"
The question echoed about the vast nothingness, so still was the company of souls. Mutterings then started, one looking to the other and shaking their head. No one had any idea. Dilandau frowned, glaring at the beaming behemoth.
"What the fuck is a 'Tootsie-roll pop'?? How are we supposed to answer the question when we don't know what the hell you're talking about??" The large God of Death grinned maliciously.
"IS THAT YOUR ANSWER THEN??" Dilandau shouted back at him.
"WE CAN'T GIVE YOU A BLOODY ANSWER IF WE HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE AS TO WHAT YOU SPEAK OF, PEON!" The giant roared with laughter, sending the wayward souls back to their paths of the dead. A puff of green smoke, and the small boy was dancing in front of them, glee on his face.
"I won I won I won and you lost, you big dork! Say goodbye to your friends, 'cause they're going down the march of the dead!!" Dilandau stood in front of his men protectively.
"You will not send them anywhere but with me, back to the realm of the living! Now move aside!!"
"Hey, you can't take them you- HEY!!" The boy was kicking furiously at the General's shins, however, seeing as Dilandau had them clad in armor, the Destructive Demon's tactics were ineffective. Dilandau could not get past, however, due to the fact that the boy was blocking the gate and could not be moved by any force. Fists, feet and insults flew in the air, both in a fury. Neither would give footing to the other.
Watching the two shouting at each other, going for each other's throats, and overall trying to annihilate the other, Jajuka shook his shaggy head, sighing.
"I believe we should wait until they are both through before going anywhere near either one of them..." The four boys' heads nodded in agreement, and they say back to wait for the strom to subside.
~One Month Later~
"-AND YOUR MOTHER WAS A BEARDED DRAGON!!" The small gate-keeper growled defiantly after giving the insult, getting up on tiptoes to try to intimidate the taller man.
"AT LEAST MY MOTHER MADE SURE THAT I WOULDN'T BE STUCK GUARDING A DINKY LITTLE PICKET GATE BEFORE I REACHED PUBERTY!!"
Dilandau then found himself twenty feet above the ground, legs dangling as he'd been lifted up for the umpteenth time that.... "day." Off to the right of the 'ferocious battle' Dalet was sure that victory was at hand. Looking over to Maverick, he grinned slyly.
"Have any ones?" Maverick shouted angrily as he slammed his cards down in front of him.
"Dammit, Dalet, you cheated!! No one wins forty six times in a row without cheating or a system!!" Dalet grinned, shuffling the cards.
"It's beginners luck, I'm sure. Wanna go again?" Meverick grumbled something, but dutifully handed back the cards to Dalet. Viole sighed, tossing in his own hand to go see what the other two were about. Jajuka and Chesta had ignored their game, concentrating on something even more important; an escape.
Laughing happily, Chesta finished the last stroke, then stood, shaking hands with the much-taller dog-man.
"I think it'll work, Jajuka! They're flawless! I think that if we-"
"IT WASN'T A GODDAMMED FAIR QUESTION! YOU MADE UP THE TOOTSIE THING!! ADMIT IT! YOU CHEATED BECAUSE WE ANSWERED YOUR OTHER TWO QUESTIONS TOO EASILY!!"
"Had Dalet approach them, they might just wave him on. Dalet! Come here a sec!" The brunette looked up as he was slipping another ace into his deck, startled at the distraction.
"Can it wait? I'm winning here!" Maverick seized the cards, shoving them into a back pocket.
"Our game is done. I'm never playing with you again, Dalet. You put Migel and Gatti's sleight of hand tricks to shame. What is it, Chetsa?" They all ducked in unison as the large hammer Dante had been using several times flew off into the dark oblivion beyond the gate. They knew it'd return again at some point, but from the other direction, and it always headed directly to the kid. Chesta brought them over, and in low voices, told them what he and Jajuka had been perfecting.
"And now they're done, see? And since Maverick is ready to kill you anyway, Dalet, we've had a unanimous vote that you're going to be the one who goes over there. Give them to the demon, and we'll be right behind you if it works." Dalet's complaints were drowned out by the sounds of thrashing and more name calling as their commander and the young boy fought on. Maverick shook his head, bemused and somewhat disturbed.
"Sometimes I wonder why we follow him. He's obviously got several cracks upstairs." The battle behind them paused, and the crunching of footsteps on... Dark oblivion floor... approached Maverick. Dilandau gave his subordinate a quick smack, replying in a somewhat raspy voice,
"Because I'm your GENERAL, that's why, and I'm doing this for you, so shut up and let me get you out of here!" Maverick moaned from his position on the ground, the noise sounding affirmative and yet slightly resentful. Dilandau ignored it, going back to shout at the little speck that was blocking his way. Chesta prodded Dalet, handing over the prized items.
"Hurry, before they get worked up again!" Dalet gulped, and slowly walked forward, eyeing the warring parties with unease. Dilandau was drawing breath to scream at an equally angry Dante, neither giving the soldier a second glance.
"Erm..." Dilandau smacked Dalet without looking over.
"We're busy, stupid, can't you see that? Go wait over there until I've gotten this settled." Dalet gulped, rubbing his sore cheek unhappily before mustering the courage to speak again.
"B-But S-Sir!! While you were, um... Speaking to The Gate Keeper, Viole went to his superiors and got five more passes for the rest of us. So now, um... Mr Shinigami, Sir, you can reanimate us and let us go on our way... Please." Dante scowled down at Dalet, then poofed in his green smoke down to child size. Reaching up, he took the five cards Chesta and Jajuka had so meticulously worked on, studying each one carefully. He looked skeptical, bringing each one close to his face, intent on catching any flaw he saw.
It would come as no surprise, then, that he failed to notice his hammer hurtling back towards him at a break neck speed. It hit him in the head, but, being already dead and a demon to boot, simply knocked him out cold. Dilandau grinned ferociously, apparently haven gotten the last insult in before his enemy's demise. He turned to the four waiting off to the side, then grinned with an even more feral gleam in his eyes.
"Boys, let's go home!" One by one, they stepped over the unconscious form of Dante, Guardian of the Gate of the Dead, through the gate, and back into the realm of the living.
*Shinigami- "God of Death"
Yes, I DO realize Dante is the name of the kid in epilogue 1. I was thinking IF I wrote a continuation, it might be fun to have Celena adopt Dante like she did in E1, however, without Dilly's approval. After Dante 'let the boys go' without them having real passes, he got the pink slip and was reborn as a human kid as punishment. And who else does he get picked up by but none other than Celena... which Dilly, of course, is livid about. Haha, the things I make my characters go through.. *cackles maniacally*
Oh, and if you have any ideas for the bloopers "fic" so to speak, email me with them! I have no more ideas! HELP!