Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. I just saw the movie and thought it was severely spiffy. Also, keep in mind that I loved this film and this parody is just for FUN, not meant to BASH IT AT ALL. Ok? Good. (flashes pearly white grin) Have fun. A/N: Yes, this is the same parody as before. Sorry about the mix-up. If all the reviews could be reposted, I'd appreciate it. I'll try to remember not to screw up like I did before...oh, and Penis McGee? The reason for all my problems? You probably didn't get my diplomatic response to your comments tso here ya go: I don't care about your point of view on this matter. This is my life and my story and I'm free to like any film I want. So back off. Got it? Good. Now, let's all cross our fingers and hope I don't get in trouble again.
(Opening scene is in black and white)
Audience: Well that sucks.
Fufulupin: Shush!
Dr. Frankenstien: Bwahaha! It's alive!
Dracula: Spiffy. However, being as there's a huge mob outside looking for the grave robber, I'd suggest we get a move on.
Doc: Wait, you're evil. You can't be evil! Igor, help me!
Igor: No way, dude. I'm getting paid under the table for these evil deeds. Plus, look how ugly and scarred I am. I look like a deranged Gollum, for God's sake!
Doc: True....(Drac kills him)
Frankenstien: NOOOO!! (shoves Drac into fireplace and runs off with the Doc)
Audience: Um...did he just kill off the villian four minutes into the film?
(Drac comes out of the flames)
Drac: Mwahaha! I will not die!
(Rock music starts up)
Lestat from Queen of the Damned: (sings) Why won't you die....
Fufulupin: Shut up! You're not in this movie!
(Frankenstien scoots past the bloodthirsty mob and into a giant windmill)
Audience: (cough) Sleepy Hollow (cough)
Frankenstien: YOU'VE KILLED MY FATHER!!!! (windmill collapses and buries him)
Audience: Great. Terrific opening, really.
(skip ahead one year to Paris. Van Helsing is chasing down a big ugly creature)
Van: Helloooo....(starts shooting randomly)
Alan Quartermain: If you can't do it with one bullet, don't do it at all!!
Audience: Umm....
Van: Come out, Dr. Jekkyl!
Hyde: Actually, I'm his evil twin. Boo!
(Van continues to shoot. He sets off the bell in the tower by mistake and Hyde retailiates by trapping him inside said bell after stealing his hat)
Audience: Is that Indiana Jones' fedora?
Fufulupin: With a floppy brim. (beams)
Hyde: Heh, gotcha, you little spider.
(Van busts out and gets hurled through the celing. He proceeds to fall off the building and shoot a grapling hook through Hyde's chest, pulling him through a stained glass window)
Van: Crap.
(Skip to Rome where Van is in a church. He sits down at confession)
Van: Um, I've been...
Priest: Sinning again! Geez, you killed the thing, great job! (pulls little wall thing aside)
Audience: Can he do that?
Priest: Come along to the lower levels of this church to get your vast amount of weaponry. You have to go to Translyvaina now to kill Dracula.
Van: Drac—who now?
(A monk hops up to him)
Monk: Hi! Have this...and this, and this...(piles lots of vampire killing stuff into a large bag)
Van: Hey Carl. What do you have for me today?
Carl: A crossbow! Isn't it spiffy?
Van: (grabs crossbow) ...Yeah...(eyes machine gun) Can I have that?
Carl: Nah. You're not old enough.
(Van grabs a small bottle)
Van: Mine now.
Carl: NO! That's...well, I'm not entirely sure what it is, but it's special. Give it!
(Van does)
Van: What is it?
Carl: It's like the sun. I don't know what to do with it though, that's the problem.
Audience: Um, hey, idiot—
Fufulupin: Yeah, that's what I said.
Van: Oh well. Guess what? You're coming to Romania with me!
Carl: Oh bloody hell...
Van: Hey, you're a monk, you can't swear!
Carl: Wanna bet? (begins rattling off obsenities)
Van: Whatever. Come, let's trek across the mountains.
Audience: Mountains?
Fufulupin: Yes. What, you didn't know that Romania is well-known for it's snowy caps?
(A scene oddly akin to one from Lord of the Rings takes place)
Audience: I know what that Carl guy's from!
(Skip to a forest. A guy is tied to a pole)
Guy (Falcon): Well, this isn't good...
(Werewolf leaps from the trees and attacks as the man skitters up a tree. Several other people come out and try to help, including the dude's sister, Anna.)
Anna: Ok, I'm the mighty woman of this film. Watch me try to save my brother only to watch him plummet into the sea.
Audience: Dude, it's Kate Beckensale....she was a vampire in her last film! How ironic is that??
(Van and Carl enter the little town where Anna lives and have to deal with lots of mean looks. Then they have to deal with the three Dracu-babes who fly in to kill them all.)
Van: I knew this was going to be a bad day....(starts shooting with horrible aim again)
Alan: I already told you, if you can't do it with one bullet, don't—
Van: Yeah, yeah. (shoots him) Anna!
(Anna is dragged off my several Dracu-babes. They all drop her and she lands in a lovely comprimising position on Van.)
Van: Hello. Please get out of the way. (rolls over so he's sitting on her)
Anna: Nope. (rolls him over so she's on top)
Audience: Ok, this is getting annoying and slighty innapropriate.
(A cow goes flying randomly through a window)
Audience: GASP! NO, NOT THE COW! (cricket cricket) Ok, that was a bit much...
Carl: Here, have a bottle of holy water! I'll yell this really really loudly so that the Dracu-babe will hear me and catch it!
(of course the Dracu-babe does so)
(cut to ominously dripping fountain of holy water)
Van: Idea! (hops over, dips crossbow into water)
(Meanwhile, Anna's scampered off and gotten into more trouble)
Audience: You'd think a girl with a sword and six knives could protect herself a little better....
(Anna is trapped by two Dracu-babes. They unhinge their jaws ((what's up with that anyway?!)), but are scared away when Van finally hits his mark outside and kills the third one)
Anna: Hmm...I think I'll invite you for a drink.
Van: Sure!
(The cow trots out, unharmed)
Cow: Moo.
Audience: Yey! (all clap) Oscar nomination, right there!
(Cut to Anna's palace)
Anna: Ok, you go to the bar, I'll go slaughter Dracula so my family can finally get past purgatory. Bye now!
Van: I don't think so. (knocks her out with sleeping gas)
(Anna wakes up in bed)
Anna: Well, that could have gone better...(goes out into random room and runs into a werewolf) Eep! (wolf randomly turns into her brother) Hey! You're not dead!
Audience: Since when??
Falcon: Hi. I have something to tell you—but it's too late. (turns back into a wolf and Van scares him off)
Van: We should go kill it! (leaps past frozen-in-disbelief-Anna out window)
(He meets up with the Grave Digger)
Digger: Hello. (as soon as Van turns his back, Digger attempts to bludegon him with a shovel. Van catches him) Whoopsie dasiy. I'm telling you, I didn't mean to. It's...a condition! You know, like Turrets, except with this I sometimes try to kill people. Don't take it personally.
(Digger gets killed by the wolf, who chucks him into a convient open grave)
Van: Well then. (shoots at wolf and is stopped by Anna) Arg! Now look what you've done! He got away!
Anna: He's my brother, don't kill him.
Van: Ug, you and your human emotions...(sigh) Fine, we'll go after him.
(They go to Dracula's castle where they find huge egg sacs)
(Tsuki, fellow author and good friend of Fufulupin's, pops in and screams)
Tsuki: AGGG!!! THAT'S SO CREEPY!!!
Fufulupin: Care for a spine to hide in?
Audience: Huh?
(Meanwhile, Drac's tying Falcon down)
Drac: Time to bring my children to life! (electrocutes Falcon)
Van: Hmm...let's see what's in this thing. (begins to slowly and methodically rip an egg sac apart) Hey, this is kinda fun.
Audience: Ewww....
(The babies break out and go with the two remaining Dracu-babes to kill off random townspeople. But first Van manages to kill several)
Audience: Hey, his aim got miraculously better...
Vamp Baby # 1: Whee! (kills a guy)
Vamp Baby # 6: This is great! (kills several people)
Vamp Baby # 2628: YAY! (tries to kill a woman and is stopped by Carl, of all people) Crap.
(All the babies die)
Audience: Some things weren't meant to last...
Woman: I must repay you!
Carl: Well...(whisper whisper)
Woman: You're a monk!
Carl: I'm a friar. They're very different.
Woman: How are they different?!
Carl: In many many complicated ways.
Woman: Uh...ok! (they run off together)
(Anna is jumping on a random rope. Several odd creatures, we'll call them Jawas because I paid no attention to what they're really called, attack her)
Anna: Go bother Luke and Leia, will you? I'm trying to rescue my brother! (kills them all and goes to Falcon) Hi!
Falcon: Go away. (tries to kill her)
Anna: NOOO!!!
(Van meets up with Drac)
Van: You should die.
Drac: Surre...(rolls eyes as Van stabs him) Yeah, that'll work. You know, I've only been around for four hundred years or so, no one's EVER tried that before.
Van: Whatever. (tries a crucifix)
Drac: Uh huh. You're such a moron. (makes crucifix burst into flames) Nice try...Gabriel.
Audience: What the—
Religious Audience Members: The angel??
Van: Whatever. I must go save Anna. Bye now! (rushes off and finds her and they both escape)
Anna: This sucks, I should've let you kill him.
Van: Now she gets it.
(Anna looks like she's going to cry. In the audience, Fufulupin and Tsuki lean forward)
Tsuki: Hug her. Hug her! HUG HER NOW!!
(Instead, looking supremely uncomfortable, Van removes his hat and sticks it on Anna's head wear it looks really stupid and out of place)
Van: Have a comfort hat.
Tsuki and Fufulupin: Comfort hat?!?
Van: (shrug) It's much better than a hug.
Tsuki and Fufulupin: HOW?!?
Van: Hats make the world go 'round.
(Jack Sparrow and Indy pop in)
Jack: Man's got a point.
(Anna grins and she pulls some absinthe from somewhere)
Audience: Absinthe...windmill...Richard Rox—whatever his name is...THIS IS A WELL- DISGUISED VERSION OF MOULIN ROUGE!
Fufulupin: You're right. Now shut up and watch.
(Van and Anna proceed to fall through the ground)
(Carl wakes up next to the woman. He falls on a piece of the wall, making a tapestry appear)
Carl: Hmm...since I know a spiffy amount of Latin, I can translate this...woah, it moves!
(Soldiers on tapestry move and turn into a vamp and a wolf)
(In the hole)
Van: Gee, that was brilliant.
Anna: What happened?
Van: No idea, but there's a big monster behind you! (gets thrown around a whole bunch before it is established that Frankenstien isn't evil)
Frankenstien: Dracula can't get me because then the remainder of his babies will hatch. And that would be bad. So I'm staying down here. (crosses arms over chest and sits resolutely in a puddle)
(Cut to Frankie inside a carriage. He is chained up and not happy)
Frank: NO! YOU CANNOT DO THIS!
Carl: Maybe we shouldn't...
Van: Screw that.
Carl: But the painting...
(Cut to Fuf, Maddi, and Chels after the movie)
Fuf: And then, in the Prisoner of Azkaban trailer, there was a shrunken head that WASN'T IN THE BOOK! And it said—
Maddi: It spoke to you, huh?
Chels: What did the head say to you, Fuf?
Fuf: No, seriously, it was saying—
Maddi: We need to get you a better shrink—
Audience: Can we get back to the movie?
Anna: Yeah, so these horses should get you far.
Van: Even though your brother the psychotic rampaging werewolf is after us?
Anna: Yep. Any questions?
Van: Just one. Why are these horses wearing armor?
Fufulupin: Good question. My theory is that the filmmakers are paying tribute to the LotR movies.
Van: I see. Ok, well, bye! (waves jauntily to Anna and rides off after shoving Carl into the carriage with Frank)
(Cut to the group happily riding through the woods)
Van: Well, this is pleasant and uneventful...(whistles)
(Wolf bursts from the trees)
Van: ACK! (falls from his perch and has to jump from horse to horse to get back) That was close! (carriage is killed soon after) Whoops...
Audience: NOOO!! NOT THE MONK AND FRANKIE!!!
(Anna rides up with her own carriage. Van hops on and Carl pokes his head out the window)
Carl: Y'know, that decoy thing was a great idea.
(Wolf-boy doesn't think so. Another huge fight ensues in which Van shoots and kills Falcon)
Anna: How could you?? (shoves Van angrilly against a tree)
Van: Ow...(reveals bite marks on chest)
Anna: Wait, you were bitten—(gets kidnapped by a Dracu-babe)
Van: STOP HER!! (dies)
Audience: Good job, Hero-boy. Getting bitten by the enemy, getting Anna captured and not even hugging her first?? You can't do anything right, can you??
Carl: No problem. All Hollow's Eve is tomorrow.
Audience: Naturally...
Carl: And you have two days till your first full moon.
Audience: How can that be possible when there was a full moon two days ago?? How do your calenders work exactly?!
Carl: So all we have to do is sneak into a costume party!
Van: (woozy) O-k...
Frank: What about me?
(They shove him in a room)
Carl: Heel boy. Don't follow us.
Frank: B-but—
(Drac is dancing with Anna)
Drac: I love you.
Anna: And I hate you. Doesn't that work out nicely?
Drac: Actually, it kinda sucks for you, cuz I'm in charge here. (spins her and threatens to bite her neck)
Van: STOPPPP!!
Drac: Well, look who showed up. Guess what? Everyone here is a vampire! Isn't that spiffy?
Van: Not....really... (runs)
(Carl throws the random bottle which does as the audience hoped and burns all the vamps)
Carl: Yey, I knew that was good for something! (jumps for joy)
Anna: Thanks for saving me. Let's jump out this window.
Carl: But there's a saint on it...
(Van shoves him out. They fall into water where Frank is being taken away in a boat)
Van: NO! (begins to swim after the boat like an Olympic swimmer)
(Ms. Boyle, gym teacher extrordinare, appears)
Boyle: Your form is excellent. Are you on the swim team?
Van:...no.
Boyle: You should be! Let's see you dive!
Fufulupin: Eh heh. How'd you get in here? (writes her out frantically) Sorry 'bout that.
(Van continues his fruitless swim after the boat, which has escaped)
Van: Crap. That sucks. Allow me to take out my frustrations on you, stupid monk friend of mine! (strangles Carl)
Carl: Gak. Get...off...me!
Van: Oh...sorry. (sigh) So, now what?
Anna: (half-drowns) Well, for one thing, let's get out of the water. I can't swim in this stupid ballroom gown!
(They go back to Anna's house and work out everything)
Van: Ok, so...Carl, you've just mapped out the family problem, right?
Carl: Yup. Dracula was the son of Anna's great-great-whatever-he-was and he was killed by some random person. But he made a pact with the Devil, thus securing for himself another life. Since Dracula's father couldn't kill his own kid, he turned around and made a pact with God that would keep his family out of heaven until Bat-boy was destroyed.
Van: (wryly) Oh yeah, that was smart. Well-played, really. But isn't the plan to defeat your enemies usually meant to help you and hurt them, not condemn you to eternal damnation if your line fails?
Carl: No kidding. Anyway, we're backon square one, basically, because I don't know where to go from here.
Van: Amazingly, I do! (rushes over to large map) Here! Anna, you said your father spent lots of time looking for the castle of vamps, right? Well, I'm thinking this is actually the castle.
Audience: Spectacular how you manage to get really smart all of a sudden...
Van: Look! There's a piece of the Latin missing. (pulls the rest of the map from his bulgy leather coat)
Anna: Just how much can you carry in that thing?
Carl: Hey, I thought it was my job to be Mister Smart-Guy. (looks somewhat indignant) At least let me read the piece you've got.
Van: Too late, I already know what it says: In the name of God, open this door.
(map turns into a mirror)
Van: Damn, I thought I had it...
Carl: Whatever happened to open sesame? Now that was a line...
Anna: Do I have to think of everything? (sigh) We can go through the mirror, you morons.
(They skip on through the mirror to find Dracula's other castle. You know, the one hidden in a mirror. Yeah, that one.)
Van: Ok, so we're in a really cold place now—hey, isn't that Igor?
Igor: Umm...no! No, I don't know who you're talking about! (tries to scurry off)
Van: Listen, I'm turning into a werewolf, which means I'm really crabby and violent. So don't tick me off!
Igor: Ok, geez. Hey, I know where the cure for lycanthropy is!
Van:...'K. Carl, Anna, go with him. Anna, hurt him if he disobeys.
Anna: (evil grin)
Van: As for me, I'm going to find our buddy Dracula, ok? (starts to scurry off, then pauses) Wait, I was supposed to do something here...what was it?
Anna: (all worried) Don't die on me, please.
Van: Oh, I remember. (puts his face really close to hers) I'll be okay.
(In the audience, Tsuki and Fufulupin inch forward together)
Tsuki: Come on...
Fufulupin: You can do it...
(Anna and Van kiss for several seconds)
Fufulupin and Tsuki: YESSS!!!
Audience: SHUT UP! (chucks popcorn at them)
Van: (breathless) You know, I don't have to fufill my righteous destiny.
Anna: And I don't have to save my family from Hell.
Carl: What?! (hits them both) Come on!
Van: (sigh) So much for that...(slouches off after Dracula)
Anna: Fine, let's get this over with. (runs off with Igor and Carl)
(Movie reel pauses)
Fufulupin: Must...remember....plotline....
Audience: Pardon?
Fufulupin: Well, you see, I kind of saw this movie the night before I wrote this...and this is where it gets very fuzzy...
Audience: NOOO!!!
Fufulupin: Wait for it....ok, I think I have it. Bear with me.
(Movie reel starts back up again)
Van: Hey, it's Frankie! Hi Frank!! (waves like a lunatic)
Frank: HELLLPPPP!!
Van: Ohh, so that's what I'm supposed to do. (climbs up to where Frank is chained to a table) I'll save you, buddy!
Frank: (rolls eyes) Well, I'm reassured. (gets struck by lightening)
Dracula: YEY! MY BABIES WILL FINALLY BE ALIVE!
Van: Not if I have it my way, which, since I'm the title character, I will. (sets to work freeing Frankie)
(Meanwhile, in another part of the castle, Anna prods Igor)
Anna: Are you SURE we're going the right way?
Igor: Yesh, yesh, of course...(rubs hands together) The precious—I mean, the cure is right over here. (points)
Anna: (shove) I'll go first, thank you. (walks forward) Ok, you stick your hand in there.
Carl: Me?? No way! You do it, I don't need my hand melting.
Igor: I'm gone! (locks gate and runs off) Have fun with the singular remaining Dracu-babe. She seems to be connected somehow to Anna, even though we'll never explain this thoroughly.
Anna: Great. (chucks the glass thing holding the cure at the floor) Heey, what do you know? Acid!
Carl: Told you.
Anna: Well, take this cure to Van! I should be able to hold off this evil psycho chick who's already come close to killing me twice.
Carl: Who am I to argue with such logic? (makes the acid eat through the gate and escapes)
Anna: (sigh) Oh, here we go...(gets thrown around a whole bunch by the Dracu- babe)
(Outside, Van finally frees Frank, but not before another bolt of lightening hits him and we see the large amount of vamp-baby egg sacs as they get juiced up)
Audience: Damn, that's one hell of a networking system they've got there.
Van: Ok, you get to leave now! (rushes off after Dracula)
Dracula: NOO!! You cannot stop the process!!
Van: Too bad. (wolfs out) I'm gonna kill you now.
Dracula: Fun! (we get to see him vamp out)
(Outside, Carl is moseying along)
Carl: Where could Vanny be?
Igor: Hi-yah! (leaps out of a random hole in the ground and begins electrocuting poor Carl)
Audience: Gollum with a taser...now there's an image I want to see. (shudder shudder)
Igor: We wants the preciouss...it is ourss...
Carl: What?
Igor: (shrug) I'm trying to get into character, ok?
Frankie: AHHHH!! (leaps down and knocks Igor off the cliff, then proceeds to fall himself. He catches a rope and dangles there) SAVE MEEEEE!!!
Carl: But you're supposed to die! I can't openly ignore the church like that!...(thinks) Well, ok. I'm going to swing you so you convieniently fly through the window of the room that Anna's in. (does so)
Frank: I'LL SAVE YOU, ANNA!! (kills the final Dracu-babe)
Audience: FINALLY. Geez, we thought they were going to torture us with their annoying giggles THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE MOVIE.
Anna: I need to find Van...(pause) Thanks, Frankie.
Frankie: Wait...did she thank me? (happy tears well up) I'm loved! (does a dance around the room)
Anna: Yeah...ok. (swings on rope, catches the cure that Carl chucks up to her, and swings away)
Carl: Don't mind me. I'll just...get over this huge hole in the bridge all by my onesies. No problem, really.
(Van is still wolfed and clawing at Dracula, who's vamping out, going human, and repeating the process)
Dracula: You just don't get it, do you?
(Van goes human for a moment as the moon slips behind some clouds)
Dracula: Come on already, Gabriel. You've killed me once, oh mighty left hand of God. Now give me back my ring!
Audience: That's it? That's all the background we get?
Fufulupin: Apparently. Hey, didja notice Hugh Jackman tends to play characters with some form or another of amnesia?
Religious Audience Members: Sooo....is he supposed to be the angel, or what?
Van: (wolfs out again and rips out Drac's throat)
Audience: Eww...(Drac disinegrates) Cool.
Anna: (swings in) VAN!
Van: Grr. (leaps at her and throws her on a random couch)
Carl: Hey, I'm bacckkk! Woah, what's happening here?!
(Van backs off of Anna and looks curiously at the needle poking out of his tummy. He goes human.)
Carl: Yey, the cure works! (whips out pom-poms and does a happy cheer) Gimme an A, gimme a N, gimme another N, and one more A! What's that spell? Anna, Anna, she's our gal, if she can't do it—Anna? Hey, are you okay?
Van: (whimper whimper( I...I killed her! (sobs hysterically)
Anna: (sits up) No you didn't.
Van: I-I didn't? (pause) Umm...(flips through script) Are you sure?
Anna: My name is Selene, the great vampire assassin.
Van: Uhh...was there a memo that I missed?
Director: No, no, no! What are you doing??
Anna/Selene: C'mon, I don't wanna be dead! Let me live!
Director: No.
Anna/Selene: B-but, I liked my other film better. You know, the one where I DIDN'T DIE!
Director: Sorry. Hey, maybe I'll bring you back in the sequal.
Van: There's gonna be a sequal?
Director: Shh! Play along, will ya?
Anna: (sigh) Oh, fine. (lays down) Proceed.
Van: Right. Where was I...oh yeah! (hugs Anna's body and cries) NOOOO!!! How could I have done such a thing? I LOVE YOU!! (gasp, sob)
Carl: Um, it's a little late for that, chief. C'mon, let's go burn her body.
Van: Why?
Carl: To spite that stupid Grave Digger, of course.
(They go and have a mini-funeral for Anna. Midway through, Van begins hallucinating and seeing the ghost of Anna and her family as they enter heaven)
Van: Umm...Carl, what kind of mushrooms where those, exactly? (shrug) Oh well. Guess I should go ride off on my horsie now.
Carl: Yeah. Hey, where's Frankie?
(Frankie slips away on a makeshift raft)
Frankie: Now I will be the most powerful creature in the land! BWAHAHAHA!!!
Audience: Excuse me?
Director: For the last time, STICK TO THE SCRIPT!
Frankie: (sigh) I will be a good guy and stick to the shadows forever.
Director: Good.
(Movie ends. Fufulupin sniffles)
Audience: Are you crying?
Fufulupin:...no. I have a cold, ok?? (runs off)
Audience: ...
Fufulupin: (returns) Ok, bit of a recap here before I leave. Top five reasons for seeing this film: Number one, the spiffy hat. Number two, Kate Beckensale's accent. Somehow, I don't think it's real but you never can tell in Hollywood. Number three, the vampires and the way several classic monsters are thrown together. Number four, the love plot that made us all cry like babies—I mean, sniffle because our noses were running. Number five—Hugh Jackman, Hugh Jackman, HUGH JACKMAN! Oh, and a bonus reason: the cow. And there you have it. The top...six reasons to see Van Helsing. If you haven't yet, I'd like to say two things. One, go see it. And two—why the hell are you reading this if you've never seen it?! What's the matter with you people?!? Have you no sense of right and wrong?? (sigh) Oh well. Please review lots. I'd really appreciate it. (bows) 'Bye! (fades into the shadows)
(Opening scene is in black and white)
Audience: Well that sucks.
Fufulupin: Shush!
Dr. Frankenstien: Bwahaha! It's alive!
Dracula: Spiffy. However, being as there's a huge mob outside looking for the grave robber, I'd suggest we get a move on.
Doc: Wait, you're evil. You can't be evil! Igor, help me!
Igor: No way, dude. I'm getting paid under the table for these evil deeds. Plus, look how ugly and scarred I am. I look like a deranged Gollum, for God's sake!
Doc: True....(Drac kills him)
Frankenstien: NOOOO!! (shoves Drac into fireplace and runs off with the Doc)
Audience: Um...did he just kill off the villian four minutes into the film?
(Drac comes out of the flames)
Drac: Mwahaha! I will not die!
(Rock music starts up)
Lestat from Queen of the Damned: (sings) Why won't you die....
Fufulupin: Shut up! You're not in this movie!
(Frankenstien scoots past the bloodthirsty mob and into a giant windmill)
Audience: (cough) Sleepy Hollow (cough)
Frankenstien: YOU'VE KILLED MY FATHER!!!! (windmill collapses and buries him)
Audience: Great. Terrific opening, really.
(skip ahead one year to Paris. Van Helsing is chasing down a big ugly creature)
Van: Helloooo....(starts shooting randomly)
Alan Quartermain: If you can't do it with one bullet, don't do it at all!!
Audience: Umm....
Van: Come out, Dr. Jekkyl!
Hyde: Actually, I'm his evil twin. Boo!
(Van continues to shoot. He sets off the bell in the tower by mistake and Hyde retailiates by trapping him inside said bell after stealing his hat)
Audience: Is that Indiana Jones' fedora?
Fufulupin: With a floppy brim. (beams)
Hyde: Heh, gotcha, you little spider.
(Van busts out and gets hurled through the celing. He proceeds to fall off the building and shoot a grapling hook through Hyde's chest, pulling him through a stained glass window)
Van: Crap.
(Skip to Rome where Van is in a church. He sits down at confession)
Van: Um, I've been...
Priest: Sinning again! Geez, you killed the thing, great job! (pulls little wall thing aside)
Audience: Can he do that?
Priest: Come along to the lower levels of this church to get your vast amount of weaponry. You have to go to Translyvaina now to kill Dracula.
Van: Drac—who now?
(A monk hops up to him)
Monk: Hi! Have this...and this, and this...(piles lots of vampire killing stuff into a large bag)
Van: Hey Carl. What do you have for me today?
Carl: A crossbow! Isn't it spiffy?
Van: (grabs crossbow) ...Yeah...(eyes machine gun) Can I have that?
Carl: Nah. You're not old enough.
(Van grabs a small bottle)
Van: Mine now.
Carl: NO! That's...well, I'm not entirely sure what it is, but it's special. Give it!
(Van does)
Van: What is it?
Carl: It's like the sun. I don't know what to do with it though, that's the problem.
Audience: Um, hey, idiot—
Fufulupin: Yeah, that's what I said.
Van: Oh well. Guess what? You're coming to Romania with me!
Carl: Oh bloody hell...
Van: Hey, you're a monk, you can't swear!
Carl: Wanna bet? (begins rattling off obsenities)
Van: Whatever. Come, let's trek across the mountains.
Audience: Mountains?
Fufulupin: Yes. What, you didn't know that Romania is well-known for it's snowy caps?
(A scene oddly akin to one from Lord of the Rings takes place)
Audience: I know what that Carl guy's from!
(Skip to a forest. A guy is tied to a pole)
Guy (Falcon): Well, this isn't good...
(Werewolf leaps from the trees and attacks as the man skitters up a tree. Several other people come out and try to help, including the dude's sister, Anna.)
Anna: Ok, I'm the mighty woman of this film. Watch me try to save my brother only to watch him plummet into the sea.
Audience: Dude, it's Kate Beckensale....she was a vampire in her last film! How ironic is that??
(Van and Carl enter the little town where Anna lives and have to deal with lots of mean looks. Then they have to deal with the three Dracu-babes who fly in to kill them all.)
Van: I knew this was going to be a bad day....(starts shooting with horrible aim again)
Alan: I already told you, if you can't do it with one bullet, don't—
Van: Yeah, yeah. (shoots him) Anna!
(Anna is dragged off my several Dracu-babes. They all drop her and she lands in a lovely comprimising position on Van.)
Van: Hello. Please get out of the way. (rolls over so he's sitting on her)
Anna: Nope. (rolls him over so she's on top)
Audience: Ok, this is getting annoying and slighty innapropriate.
(A cow goes flying randomly through a window)
Audience: GASP! NO, NOT THE COW! (cricket cricket) Ok, that was a bit much...
Carl: Here, have a bottle of holy water! I'll yell this really really loudly so that the Dracu-babe will hear me and catch it!
(of course the Dracu-babe does so)
(cut to ominously dripping fountain of holy water)
Van: Idea! (hops over, dips crossbow into water)
(Meanwhile, Anna's scampered off and gotten into more trouble)
Audience: You'd think a girl with a sword and six knives could protect herself a little better....
(Anna is trapped by two Dracu-babes. They unhinge their jaws ((what's up with that anyway?!)), but are scared away when Van finally hits his mark outside and kills the third one)
Anna: Hmm...I think I'll invite you for a drink.
Van: Sure!
(The cow trots out, unharmed)
Cow: Moo.
Audience: Yey! (all clap) Oscar nomination, right there!
(Cut to Anna's palace)
Anna: Ok, you go to the bar, I'll go slaughter Dracula so my family can finally get past purgatory. Bye now!
Van: I don't think so. (knocks her out with sleeping gas)
(Anna wakes up in bed)
Anna: Well, that could have gone better...(goes out into random room and runs into a werewolf) Eep! (wolf randomly turns into her brother) Hey! You're not dead!
Audience: Since when??
Falcon: Hi. I have something to tell you—but it's too late. (turns back into a wolf and Van scares him off)
Van: We should go kill it! (leaps past frozen-in-disbelief-Anna out window)
(He meets up with the Grave Digger)
Digger: Hello. (as soon as Van turns his back, Digger attempts to bludegon him with a shovel. Van catches him) Whoopsie dasiy. I'm telling you, I didn't mean to. It's...a condition! You know, like Turrets, except with this I sometimes try to kill people. Don't take it personally.
(Digger gets killed by the wolf, who chucks him into a convient open grave)
Van: Well then. (shoots at wolf and is stopped by Anna) Arg! Now look what you've done! He got away!
Anna: He's my brother, don't kill him.
Van: Ug, you and your human emotions...(sigh) Fine, we'll go after him.
(They go to Dracula's castle where they find huge egg sacs)
(Tsuki, fellow author and good friend of Fufulupin's, pops in and screams)
Tsuki: AGGG!!! THAT'S SO CREEPY!!!
Fufulupin: Care for a spine to hide in?
Audience: Huh?
(Meanwhile, Drac's tying Falcon down)
Drac: Time to bring my children to life! (electrocutes Falcon)
Van: Hmm...let's see what's in this thing. (begins to slowly and methodically rip an egg sac apart) Hey, this is kinda fun.
Audience: Ewww....
(The babies break out and go with the two remaining Dracu-babes to kill off random townspeople. But first Van manages to kill several)
Audience: Hey, his aim got miraculously better...
Vamp Baby # 1: Whee! (kills a guy)
Vamp Baby # 6: This is great! (kills several people)
Vamp Baby # 2628: YAY! (tries to kill a woman and is stopped by Carl, of all people) Crap.
(All the babies die)
Audience: Some things weren't meant to last...
Woman: I must repay you!
Carl: Well...(whisper whisper)
Woman: You're a monk!
Carl: I'm a friar. They're very different.
Woman: How are they different?!
Carl: In many many complicated ways.
Woman: Uh...ok! (they run off together)
(Anna is jumping on a random rope. Several odd creatures, we'll call them Jawas because I paid no attention to what they're really called, attack her)
Anna: Go bother Luke and Leia, will you? I'm trying to rescue my brother! (kills them all and goes to Falcon) Hi!
Falcon: Go away. (tries to kill her)
Anna: NOOO!!!
(Van meets up with Drac)
Van: You should die.
Drac: Surre...(rolls eyes as Van stabs him) Yeah, that'll work. You know, I've only been around for four hundred years or so, no one's EVER tried that before.
Van: Whatever. (tries a crucifix)
Drac: Uh huh. You're such a moron. (makes crucifix burst into flames) Nice try...Gabriel.
Audience: What the—
Religious Audience Members: The angel??
Van: Whatever. I must go save Anna. Bye now! (rushes off and finds her and they both escape)
Anna: This sucks, I should've let you kill him.
Van: Now she gets it.
(Anna looks like she's going to cry. In the audience, Fufulupin and Tsuki lean forward)
Tsuki: Hug her. Hug her! HUG HER NOW!!
(Instead, looking supremely uncomfortable, Van removes his hat and sticks it on Anna's head wear it looks really stupid and out of place)
Van: Have a comfort hat.
Tsuki and Fufulupin: Comfort hat?!?
Van: (shrug) It's much better than a hug.
Tsuki and Fufulupin: HOW?!?
Van: Hats make the world go 'round.
(Jack Sparrow and Indy pop in)
Jack: Man's got a point.
(Anna grins and she pulls some absinthe from somewhere)
Audience: Absinthe...windmill...Richard Rox—whatever his name is...THIS IS A WELL- DISGUISED VERSION OF MOULIN ROUGE!
Fufulupin: You're right. Now shut up and watch.
(Van and Anna proceed to fall through the ground)
(Carl wakes up next to the woman. He falls on a piece of the wall, making a tapestry appear)
Carl: Hmm...since I know a spiffy amount of Latin, I can translate this...woah, it moves!
(Soldiers on tapestry move and turn into a vamp and a wolf)
(In the hole)
Van: Gee, that was brilliant.
Anna: What happened?
Van: No idea, but there's a big monster behind you! (gets thrown around a whole bunch before it is established that Frankenstien isn't evil)
Frankenstien: Dracula can't get me because then the remainder of his babies will hatch. And that would be bad. So I'm staying down here. (crosses arms over chest and sits resolutely in a puddle)
(Cut to Frankie inside a carriage. He is chained up and not happy)
Frank: NO! YOU CANNOT DO THIS!
Carl: Maybe we shouldn't...
Van: Screw that.
Carl: But the painting...
(Cut to Fuf, Maddi, and Chels after the movie)
Fuf: And then, in the Prisoner of Azkaban trailer, there was a shrunken head that WASN'T IN THE BOOK! And it said—
Maddi: It spoke to you, huh?
Chels: What did the head say to you, Fuf?
Fuf: No, seriously, it was saying—
Maddi: We need to get you a better shrink—
Audience: Can we get back to the movie?
Anna: Yeah, so these horses should get you far.
Van: Even though your brother the psychotic rampaging werewolf is after us?
Anna: Yep. Any questions?
Van: Just one. Why are these horses wearing armor?
Fufulupin: Good question. My theory is that the filmmakers are paying tribute to the LotR movies.
Van: I see. Ok, well, bye! (waves jauntily to Anna and rides off after shoving Carl into the carriage with Frank)
(Cut to the group happily riding through the woods)
Van: Well, this is pleasant and uneventful...(whistles)
(Wolf bursts from the trees)
Van: ACK! (falls from his perch and has to jump from horse to horse to get back) That was close! (carriage is killed soon after) Whoops...
Audience: NOOO!! NOT THE MONK AND FRANKIE!!!
(Anna rides up with her own carriage. Van hops on and Carl pokes his head out the window)
Carl: Y'know, that decoy thing was a great idea.
(Wolf-boy doesn't think so. Another huge fight ensues in which Van shoots and kills Falcon)
Anna: How could you?? (shoves Van angrilly against a tree)
Van: Ow...(reveals bite marks on chest)
Anna: Wait, you were bitten—(gets kidnapped by a Dracu-babe)
Van: STOP HER!! (dies)
Audience: Good job, Hero-boy. Getting bitten by the enemy, getting Anna captured and not even hugging her first?? You can't do anything right, can you??
Carl: No problem. All Hollow's Eve is tomorrow.
Audience: Naturally...
Carl: And you have two days till your first full moon.
Audience: How can that be possible when there was a full moon two days ago?? How do your calenders work exactly?!
Carl: So all we have to do is sneak into a costume party!
Van: (woozy) O-k...
Frank: What about me?
(They shove him in a room)
Carl: Heel boy. Don't follow us.
Frank: B-but—
(Drac is dancing with Anna)
Drac: I love you.
Anna: And I hate you. Doesn't that work out nicely?
Drac: Actually, it kinda sucks for you, cuz I'm in charge here. (spins her and threatens to bite her neck)
Van: STOPPPP!!
Drac: Well, look who showed up. Guess what? Everyone here is a vampire! Isn't that spiffy?
Van: Not....really... (runs)
(Carl throws the random bottle which does as the audience hoped and burns all the vamps)
Carl: Yey, I knew that was good for something! (jumps for joy)
Anna: Thanks for saving me. Let's jump out this window.
Carl: But there's a saint on it...
(Van shoves him out. They fall into water where Frank is being taken away in a boat)
Van: NO! (begins to swim after the boat like an Olympic swimmer)
(Ms. Boyle, gym teacher extrordinare, appears)
Boyle: Your form is excellent. Are you on the swim team?
Van:...no.
Boyle: You should be! Let's see you dive!
Fufulupin: Eh heh. How'd you get in here? (writes her out frantically) Sorry 'bout that.
(Van continues his fruitless swim after the boat, which has escaped)
Van: Crap. That sucks. Allow me to take out my frustrations on you, stupid monk friend of mine! (strangles Carl)
Carl: Gak. Get...off...me!
Van: Oh...sorry. (sigh) So, now what?
Anna: (half-drowns) Well, for one thing, let's get out of the water. I can't swim in this stupid ballroom gown!
(They go back to Anna's house and work out everything)
Van: Ok, so...Carl, you've just mapped out the family problem, right?
Carl: Yup. Dracula was the son of Anna's great-great-whatever-he-was and he was killed by some random person. But he made a pact with the Devil, thus securing for himself another life. Since Dracula's father couldn't kill his own kid, he turned around and made a pact with God that would keep his family out of heaven until Bat-boy was destroyed.
Van: (wryly) Oh yeah, that was smart. Well-played, really. But isn't the plan to defeat your enemies usually meant to help you and hurt them, not condemn you to eternal damnation if your line fails?
Carl: No kidding. Anyway, we're backon square one, basically, because I don't know where to go from here.
Van: Amazingly, I do! (rushes over to large map) Here! Anna, you said your father spent lots of time looking for the castle of vamps, right? Well, I'm thinking this is actually the castle.
Audience: Spectacular how you manage to get really smart all of a sudden...
Van: Look! There's a piece of the Latin missing. (pulls the rest of the map from his bulgy leather coat)
Anna: Just how much can you carry in that thing?
Carl: Hey, I thought it was my job to be Mister Smart-Guy. (looks somewhat indignant) At least let me read the piece you've got.
Van: Too late, I already know what it says: In the name of God, open this door.
(map turns into a mirror)
Van: Damn, I thought I had it...
Carl: Whatever happened to open sesame? Now that was a line...
Anna: Do I have to think of everything? (sigh) We can go through the mirror, you morons.
(They skip on through the mirror to find Dracula's other castle. You know, the one hidden in a mirror. Yeah, that one.)
Van: Ok, so we're in a really cold place now—hey, isn't that Igor?
Igor: Umm...no! No, I don't know who you're talking about! (tries to scurry off)
Van: Listen, I'm turning into a werewolf, which means I'm really crabby and violent. So don't tick me off!
Igor: Ok, geez. Hey, I know where the cure for lycanthropy is!
Van:...'K. Carl, Anna, go with him. Anna, hurt him if he disobeys.
Anna: (evil grin)
Van: As for me, I'm going to find our buddy Dracula, ok? (starts to scurry off, then pauses) Wait, I was supposed to do something here...what was it?
Anna: (all worried) Don't die on me, please.
Van: Oh, I remember. (puts his face really close to hers) I'll be okay.
(In the audience, Tsuki and Fufulupin inch forward together)
Tsuki: Come on...
Fufulupin: You can do it...
(Anna and Van kiss for several seconds)
Fufulupin and Tsuki: YESSS!!!
Audience: SHUT UP! (chucks popcorn at them)
Van: (breathless) You know, I don't have to fufill my righteous destiny.
Anna: And I don't have to save my family from Hell.
Carl: What?! (hits them both) Come on!
Van: (sigh) So much for that...(slouches off after Dracula)
Anna: Fine, let's get this over with. (runs off with Igor and Carl)
(Movie reel pauses)
Fufulupin: Must...remember....plotline....
Audience: Pardon?
Fufulupin: Well, you see, I kind of saw this movie the night before I wrote this...and this is where it gets very fuzzy...
Audience: NOOO!!!
Fufulupin: Wait for it....ok, I think I have it. Bear with me.
(Movie reel starts back up again)
Van: Hey, it's Frankie! Hi Frank!! (waves like a lunatic)
Frank: HELLLPPPP!!
Van: Ohh, so that's what I'm supposed to do. (climbs up to where Frank is chained to a table) I'll save you, buddy!
Frank: (rolls eyes) Well, I'm reassured. (gets struck by lightening)
Dracula: YEY! MY BABIES WILL FINALLY BE ALIVE!
Van: Not if I have it my way, which, since I'm the title character, I will. (sets to work freeing Frankie)
(Meanwhile, in another part of the castle, Anna prods Igor)
Anna: Are you SURE we're going the right way?
Igor: Yesh, yesh, of course...(rubs hands together) The precious—I mean, the cure is right over here. (points)
Anna: (shove) I'll go first, thank you. (walks forward) Ok, you stick your hand in there.
Carl: Me?? No way! You do it, I don't need my hand melting.
Igor: I'm gone! (locks gate and runs off) Have fun with the singular remaining Dracu-babe. She seems to be connected somehow to Anna, even though we'll never explain this thoroughly.
Anna: Great. (chucks the glass thing holding the cure at the floor) Heey, what do you know? Acid!
Carl: Told you.
Anna: Well, take this cure to Van! I should be able to hold off this evil psycho chick who's already come close to killing me twice.
Carl: Who am I to argue with such logic? (makes the acid eat through the gate and escapes)
Anna: (sigh) Oh, here we go...(gets thrown around a whole bunch by the Dracu- babe)
(Outside, Van finally frees Frank, but not before another bolt of lightening hits him and we see the large amount of vamp-baby egg sacs as they get juiced up)
Audience: Damn, that's one hell of a networking system they've got there.
Van: Ok, you get to leave now! (rushes off after Dracula)
Dracula: NOO!! You cannot stop the process!!
Van: Too bad. (wolfs out) I'm gonna kill you now.
Dracula: Fun! (we get to see him vamp out)
(Outside, Carl is moseying along)
Carl: Where could Vanny be?
Igor: Hi-yah! (leaps out of a random hole in the ground and begins electrocuting poor Carl)
Audience: Gollum with a taser...now there's an image I want to see. (shudder shudder)
Igor: We wants the preciouss...it is ourss...
Carl: What?
Igor: (shrug) I'm trying to get into character, ok?
Frankie: AHHHH!! (leaps down and knocks Igor off the cliff, then proceeds to fall himself. He catches a rope and dangles there) SAVE MEEEEE!!!
Carl: But you're supposed to die! I can't openly ignore the church like that!...(thinks) Well, ok. I'm going to swing you so you convieniently fly through the window of the room that Anna's in. (does so)
Frank: I'LL SAVE YOU, ANNA!! (kills the final Dracu-babe)
Audience: FINALLY. Geez, we thought they were going to torture us with their annoying giggles THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE MOVIE.
Anna: I need to find Van...(pause) Thanks, Frankie.
Frankie: Wait...did she thank me? (happy tears well up) I'm loved! (does a dance around the room)
Anna: Yeah...ok. (swings on rope, catches the cure that Carl chucks up to her, and swings away)
Carl: Don't mind me. I'll just...get over this huge hole in the bridge all by my onesies. No problem, really.
(Van is still wolfed and clawing at Dracula, who's vamping out, going human, and repeating the process)
Dracula: You just don't get it, do you?
(Van goes human for a moment as the moon slips behind some clouds)
Dracula: Come on already, Gabriel. You've killed me once, oh mighty left hand of God. Now give me back my ring!
Audience: That's it? That's all the background we get?
Fufulupin: Apparently. Hey, didja notice Hugh Jackman tends to play characters with some form or another of amnesia?
Religious Audience Members: Sooo....is he supposed to be the angel, or what?
Van: (wolfs out again and rips out Drac's throat)
Audience: Eww...(Drac disinegrates) Cool.
Anna: (swings in) VAN!
Van: Grr. (leaps at her and throws her on a random couch)
Carl: Hey, I'm bacckkk! Woah, what's happening here?!
(Van backs off of Anna and looks curiously at the needle poking out of his tummy. He goes human.)
Carl: Yey, the cure works! (whips out pom-poms and does a happy cheer) Gimme an A, gimme a N, gimme another N, and one more A! What's that spell? Anna, Anna, she's our gal, if she can't do it—Anna? Hey, are you okay?
Van: (whimper whimper( I...I killed her! (sobs hysterically)
Anna: (sits up) No you didn't.
Van: I-I didn't? (pause) Umm...(flips through script) Are you sure?
Anna: My name is Selene, the great vampire assassin.
Van: Uhh...was there a memo that I missed?
Director: No, no, no! What are you doing??
Anna/Selene: C'mon, I don't wanna be dead! Let me live!
Director: No.
Anna/Selene: B-but, I liked my other film better. You know, the one where I DIDN'T DIE!
Director: Sorry. Hey, maybe I'll bring you back in the sequal.
Van: There's gonna be a sequal?
Director: Shh! Play along, will ya?
Anna: (sigh) Oh, fine. (lays down) Proceed.
Van: Right. Where was I...oh yeah! (hugs Anna's body and cries) NOOOO!!! How could I have done such a thing? I LOVE YOU!! (gasp, sob)
Carl: Um, it's a little late for that, chief. C'mon, let's go burn her body.
Van: Why?
Carl: To spite that stupid Grave Digger, of course.
(They go and have a mini-funeral for Anna. Midway through, Van begins hallucinating and seeing the ghost of Anna and her family as they enter heaven)
Van: Umm...Carl, what kind of mushrooms where those, exactly? (shrug) Oh well. Guess I should go ride off on my horsie now.
Carl: Yeah. Hey, where's Frankie?
(Frankie slips away on a makeshift raft)
Frankie: Now I will be the most powerful creature in the land! BWAHAHAHA!!!
Audience: Excuse me?
Director: For the last time, STICK TO THE SCRIPT!
Frankie: (sigh) I will be a good guy and stick to the shadows forever.
Director: Good.
(Movie ends. Fufulupin sniffles)
Audience: Are you crying?
Fufulupin:...no. I have a cold, ok?? (runs off)
Audience: ...
Fufulupin: (returns) Ok, bit of a recap here before I leave. Top five reasons for seeing this film: Number one, the spiffy hat. Number two, Kate Beckensale's accent. Somehow, I don't think it's real but you never can tell in Hollywood. Number three, the vampires and the way several classic monsters are thrown together. Number four, the love plot that made us all cry like babies—I mean, sniffle because our noses were running. Number five—Hugh Jackman, Hugh Jackman, HUGH JACKMAN! Oh, and a bonus reason: the cow. And there you have it. The top...six reasons to see Van Helsing. If you haven't yet, I'd like to say two things. One, go see it. And two—why the hell are you reading this if you've never seen it?! What's the matter with you people?!? Have you no sense of right and wrong?? (sigh) Oh well. Please review lots. I'd really appreciate it. (bows) 'Bye! (fades into the shadows)