"So," Chakotay leaned over the console between their chairs and spoke in a conspiratorial tone, "I don't know if you have any plans for today, but I thought I'd warn you that some of the crew are planning a birthday party for you this afternoon."

Kathryn groaned quietly. It wasn't that she disliked birthdays, she just didn't see the point in making a big fuss over them.

"Maybe I can leave my commbadge in my quarters and hide out in yours for the evening," she suggested.

"I'll replicate dinner though," he said with a knowing smirk.

The turbolift opened behind her as Paris and Kim arrived for their shift. "Good morning, Captain," Paris greeted her, "on this totally normal morning that definitely is no one's birthday."

"Good morning, Ensign."

Paris paused halfway seated. "It's lieutenant."

"That could change."

"Look on the bright side," Chakotay intervened, "there's been no sign of Q today, unlike last year."

"God, he was annoying!" Paris exclaimed.

"That's an understatement." Kathryn sipped her lukewarm cup of coffee. "If he were mortal, I would have decked him."

"I would have payed to see that," Tom laughed.

Kathryn took another swig of her coffee, and immediately spat the liquid back into the mug. "What the…"

"Something wrong with your coffee?" Chakotay asked.

"It's warm."

"Isn't it… supposed to be?"

"It wasn't warm ten seconds ago."

"Surprise!" With a brilliant flash of light, Q materialized in front of her, a stupidly wide grin on his face. "Happy birthday, ma capitaine! I realize that by your human calendar this day has some importance to you, and since last year I took up so much of your time I thought I would offer my sincere best wishes and a gift to make it up to you."

"Whatever you've brought Q, I don't want it. Take it and go away."

"Oh, but Kathy I think you'll like this! You see, I thought I'd let you choose your birthday gift!"

All eyes were on Kathryn as she contemplated the offer. "I can have anything I want?" she asked.

"Anything! So long as there are no dire cosmic consequences, of course."

"And you promise to give me exactly what I ask for?"

"My dear Kathy, have I ever lied to you?"

There was not an eyebrow on the Bridge that did not go unquirked.

"I promise you, Captain, I shall give you whatever you want. So long as—"

"There are no cosmic repercussions. I understand. Very well."

She set her steaming mug of coffee down on the center console and lifted herself from her chair. She stepped slowly, deliberately, towards Q, and stopped as she was almost touching him, her eyes burning into his.

"I want you…" The grin on his face widened. "…to be mortal…" The Cheshire cat grin became impossibly enormous. "…for at least an hour…"

"Oh, Kathy," he breathed.

"So that I can fucking smash you into smithereens with my bare fists." She punctuated her request by slamming one fist into her other hand.

His expression morphed into one of utter shock as his omnipotent egotism tried to process this.

"You promised you would give me whatever I want," she reminded him.

"But so long as there were no cosmic repercussions!"

"There will be no cosmic repercussions."

"But how can you know that?!"

"Because, Q, despite all your arrogant posturing, I really don't believe you're quite that important to the cosmos at all."

A hushed "Ooooohhhh" came from the direction of the helm. Everyone ignored it.

Q contemplated Kathryn's request solemnly. "Well, I did promise…"

"And you do want to set a good example for your son, don't you?"

She waited while Q did nothing but glare at her, then his features softened and the sly smile appeared once more. "Very well, Kathy. Since it means so much to you, I will become a mortal just for you."

She frowned at the inflection he put on those words, then realization dawned. "A HUMAN MORTAL!"

"Too late!" With a snap of his fingers, the blinding light appeared again and in the spot where Q had stood was revealed the largest targ Kathryn had ever seen. It snarled out a sound that might have been a laugh.

"Dammit," she huffed. The targ!Q grinned at her.

She tapped its nose in annoyance. "You wait here while I go and get an axe."