everything you've ever wanted.
The day the funeral took place was an uncomfortably warm and humid day. A day that had Javier shifting uneasily in his good clothes, and made David look over his way to throw him an irritated glance every now and then. His mother cried incessantly and everyone got a chance to pay their respects to the late Salvador García. Eventually, his father's casket was lowered into the ground. It wasn't long before Javier found himself sitting on the curb of the road by the house while the rest of the family talked somberly inside. The sunset sky was filled with an array of warm colors.
And, Javier, in this moment, didn't feel warm at all. In fact, he felt cold and numb and empty.
He almost felt dead.
And, what a son you turned out to be .
His chest is heavy, and his throat feels tight. Javier tried hard to keep himself together during the funeral. A few shed tears and a cracked voice was all he would let slip. He wouldn't sob. He wouldn't cry. Not in front of his family, not in front of the two little ones.
Not in front of David.
It wasn't safe to outright cry. Especially having heard "boys don't cry" uttered around him from a young age, though those sickly reminders were aimed at David especially.
Javi hadn't gotten that spiel from his Papa until only as of the last few years.
His exhaled breath turns into a slight whine in the summer air.
Boys don't cry in public.
But, with a space both comfortable yet damning, he was safe to cry.
He felt his face grow hot, and the sting of his tears on his eyes as he struggled to hold it all back. He could cry here, if he let himself.
" Mijo ?"
Javier hated crying alone, though.
He quickly pressed his tears away on the sleeves of his dress shirt, trying to settle his quivering lower lip.
"Si, Tío Hector?" Javier says quickly, not looking back as Hector walked towards him. His uncle soon stands besides where Javier sits.
"What are you doing over here alone, Mijo?" His voice is soft, similar to his father's.
"Just... Thinking." Javier shrugged. "I just needed some space."
"Space? Alright." Hector mused softly. "That's alright. I figured that. You've been... so distant lately, though."
Javier doesn't reply, bringing his knees in a just little closer and exhaling shakily.
"I know you've flown the nest, Mijo. But..." Hector sighed. "This distance scares me. You hardly talk to anyone in the family, besides David. You.. You just..." Hector paused. "Would you be fine if I sat down with you?"
"Go ahead." Javier scooted over a little.
"Gracias, Mijo." Hector grunts a little as he takes a seat next to his nephew. He stares up at the sunset sky for a moment. "Javier.. Are you okay?"
Javi bites his lip, taking a deep breath before nodding.
"Mijo, be honest. You know you can be honest with your Tío Hector."
Javier looked over to see Hector offering him a warm smile. It makes his stomach lurch, and makes it all the more harder to keep himself from crying.
"I.." Javi looked down. "I failed him. I failed everyone."
"Mijo..." Hector sighed.
"I failed Papa, Tío. I failed him when he needed me. I.. I feel like I've just.. failed him my entire life." A tear slips past and rolls down Javi's cheek before he can stop it. "I tried to be the best child Papa could have asked for. But, look at me!" He laughs with incredulity. "I'm just some hasbeen baseball player stuck floating through life. I'm... God , I'm such a fuck up ."
Javi buries his face into his arms and he chokes out a sob. He can feel Hector's hand on his back, patting and rubbing slow circles in the attempt to comfort him.
His sobs fill the evening air. For the first time in years, Javi lets himself cry in the presence of another.
"I've wanted this all my life, Tío." He struggled out as she shook hard with his weeps. "I've wanted this so bad , Tío, and I fucking blew it."
"Wait... Blew what, Mijo?" Hector raised a brow.
"I..." Javier tried his damndest to stop crying. Holding it in now hurts. Trying to stop his remorse filled hiccups felt like holding down glass in his lungs. He's so preoccupied with his own cries that he doesn't hear David coming towards them.
"Tío, what're you two-" David looked between them, stare soon burning into Javier's back. "Javi? What's..?" He looked over at Hector with a perplexed expression.
Hector shrugged with an almost equally perplexed look and motioned with his hand for David to sit on the other side of Javier to help console him.
"Hey, Javi..." David breathes as he crouches down next to his hysterical brother. "Calm down, Javi... What's wrong, little bro?" David light touched Javier's shoulder.
It comes without warning, and nearly sends David falling back against the yard's grass. Javier had his arms wrapped around his older brother's chest, pulling close to him as he sobbed. There's shock in David's wide eyes, and the confusion in his look is quick to switch to an alien sort of concern.
"Hey... Hey, it's okay." David cooes like a parent trying to soothe their upset child. He holds Javier close and nods for Hector to give them a moment, balancing himself and his brother on his crouched legs. "I got you. Okay? Let it out, Mari- Javi ."
He almost says it. He almost lets it slip. His words are ritualistic, rusty yet on point all except the last one. He hasn't done this since Javi... changed.
There's a tension in Javier's shoulders before it melts with his continued cries. He hasn't done this since they were young. When Javier was small and cried almost too much, and David was the big brother who'd swoop in and give little Javi a safe space to let it all out.
Javier doesn't take this moment for granted. The last few years he had surely taken so much of it for granted. Didn't truly appreciate the good in a moment of stillness.
The moment he has now, close to David, he knows he should be grateful for.
The fit of crying lasts for a few minutes, and David is kind enough to grant Javi patience here. He gives him the time he needs to cry.
Eventually, the cries calm. Javi's cried himself dry, but his shivery hiccups and shakes still remain.
"Javier." David finally breathed. "Little bro, what's going on? Talk to me. Please."
Javi hasn't heard this from David in years. It's so weird. It's so strange to hear him be so... nice .
David was all tough love with Javi. Roughhousing hard to keep the younger in his place. Pushing him around in the attempt to make him toughen up some. Any.
This kindness brings Javi back to his childhood, David's hands laced through his dark locks and not yet callused from years spent overseas.
"Javi.." David sighs.
"I... I blew it." Javi breathed out.
"Blew what, Javi?"
"The chance to be Papa's son. To be a good son, David, and not just..." His voice breaks.
David gets it. He knows what he's trying to say, without having to hear it.
"I've wanted to be his son for years , David. I've always wanted it, even as a little kid. And, god, Papa gave me that chance! But, I just had to go and fucking blow it."
"Javi.." David sighed. "Papa... Papa loved you like a son. Because you were his son, okay?"
"I didn't start that way, David."
"Yeah, and you didn't start off as the hot shot, charming asshole you are now, either." David snorted. It's quiet for a moment.
"David.. do you hate me?"
David looks down at Javier in shock. "I... Javi.."
"It's fine if you do, okay?" Javier pulled away, face red and messy from his crying fit. He looked more than exhausted too. He sat back down on the curb, staring off into the darkening sunset sky. A hiccup passes through him. "If I met me, I'd hate me too."
"Javier, god, I don't hate you." David shook his head and sat next to him. "I've... envied you for years. Been jealous here and there. But... hated you? Javi..."
"What? David I..." Javier laughed sadly. "Why do you envy me?"
David sat close and rubbed the ache out of his cramped legs. "You know why." He sighed. "You... you were always Papa's favorite. He used to ramble on about how perfect you were. The perfect boy , Javier." David inhaled a sharp breath. "And before you transitioned, he'd always ramble on about how he prayed to god every night for a daughter, and he got one."
Javier flinched a little, looking down.
"He loved you with everything he had, Javi. When you were still... Maria ." David looked away. "And that never changed. And I was envious of it. It only took me one mistake to get on Papa's bad side. But, you? My little Maria García, he'd say, she could do no wrong." David then laughed a hollow laugh. "You could've probably fooled with the jocks back then, gotten knocked up in the process, and... Javi, he'd still love and be proud of you."
Javier looked up at David. His brother's eyes were glossy with tears.
"David..." Javi sighed.
"Javier, you had so much." David shook his head. "Papa didn't care if you were Maria or Javier. He didn't care if you were his daughter or his son. He... Javi, Papa loved you with a burning passion. You were his and Mama's pride and joy." David looked at his hands. "And me? I... Javi, you have everything that I've always wanted."
"Funny... I... I always felt the same way about you."
David snorted. "How so?"
Javi looked over at David. "You... You're a man ." He says it simply and bluntly, but with a saddened smile. "David... you've never had to prove your worth as a guy ever in your entire life. I... I've had to spend my entire life just trying to prove that I had the right to exist , let alone piss in the men's restrooms."
David is quiet as Javi speaks, offering him a nod every now and then.
"David... I... Being trans is awful. God, I won't sugar coat it. I would kill just to get the chance to be a man just like you." Javier looked back into the sky. "I would kill to have been seen as Javier from day one, and not 'Maria being conflicted on her identity'. To be called 'Mijo' from day one..."
"I'm sorry, Javi." David closed his eyes.
"Don't be." Javier sighed. "So... what was it that... I had, and you didn't have?"
David was quiet again, eyes narrowed slightly in thought. Silence fills the air as the sun dips under the horizon.
"Javi... you had love." David sounds like he's going to cry now. He closed his eyes tight. "From Papa, Mama, from millions of people you didn't even know ..." David clenched his fists and bit his lip.. "People love you, Javi. So many people. If I made one mistake, that's it. There's no three strikes for me, little bro."
"Shit... David.."
"I just want someone to be proud of me, Javier. Papa never was proud of me, only of you . All he saw was you . In his final moments all he asked for and wanted to see was you ." David pinched his tear ducts. "You were his star child. The kid who could do no wrong even if he murdered half of Baltimore. He loved you, Javi." David sighed shakily. "That's all I ever asked for in life. It's the only thing I've ever wanted."
Javi nodded, looking down. "I'm so sorry, David."
"Don't be." David mimicked his younger brother. "It's all said and done for me. Papa's gone to somewhere far better than this shitty place." He got up, extending a hand for Javier to take. "But... You've got unresolved issues."
Javier looked up at David with a slight smile. "Unresolved?" He took his hand and got up with his help.
"You're still growing up, Javi. I... I should've realized that sooner, guess."
"What do you mean?" Javi raised a brow.
David stares at him for a moment. "Remember when Papa asked you if you'd ever give him grandchildren?"
"Yeah?"
"And you told him you would, but only if they were adopted?"
"Oh, man..." Javi looked away and chuckled. "I was like, what, 12?"
"Yeah... and that night you came to me and sobbed. And I didn't know why. I thought it was silly that you'd cry over having be a mom someday. But... I still held you in my arms.." David nodded for Javi to follow him back inside. "And I told you to let it all out. 'Let it all out, Mari...'. And you told me that Maria was just a stage act. Or... something like a being trapped in a chrysalis forever it seemed."
Javier looked away and nodded.
"Sometimes I wonder if you didn't start living until you finally came out, y'know? If you never truly lived until you could be yourself." David shrugged. "And I wonder if that's why you don't act like a man sometimes. But a scared, little boy. Because you never got the chance to live as a man until then."
"..You think so?"
David looked him over. "Yeah.. but.. Javi, you've always been a guy. You've always been Javier García, even if no one else knew it too."
Relief was painted on Javi's face. His shoulder relaxed, and his achy chest felt warm.
"And Javi?"
"Yeah, David?"
David slung an arm around Javier's shoulder. "I think you were a good son to Papa, Javi. Even if you couldn't make it to send him off. I don't think you blew it." David sighed. "And... you aren't a fuck up, either, Javier."
Javier feels tears well in his eyes, and his lips quiver again. He takes in a deep breath.
"Thank you, David. So much."
"You're welcome. I... I love you little bro, okay?"
Javi let his head touch up on David's chest, just to relive that moment of childish comfort. David ruffled his hair in response.
"I love you too, David."