Okay, this is a really weird one-shot fic. Well, I think it's one-shot…anyway! Cain loses a bet to Merryweather and has to do whatever she wants for a day. Ooh, what does little Merry ask her big brother to do? This is utterly random.

Disclaimer: I don't own Count Cain, it's Kaori Yuki's. I WISH I owned it though, especially Riff, Jezebel and Cassian… This fic is done for entertainment, not for the point of money. I also do not own "Poisoning Pigeons In The Park By Tom Lehrer", because it's by Tom Lehrer.

Parings: Riff/Cain (yay!), Jezebel/Cassian (yay!!) and slight Oscar/Merryweather.

Merry's Picnic

By Birdie

It was a warm night. The crickets chirped outside while they could, for it was spring, and if it was anything else they would either freeze or roast to death. In the kitchen, Riff was preparing Cain's tea and Merryweather's milk. It was also a quiet night. Was. The only thing disturbing the peace was…

"Merry, you idiot! The 8th number after the decimal point in Pi is 7!!!"

Master Cain is being much more noisy than usual Riff thought, stirring the milk slowly. The butler couldn't remember the last time his master shouted in the living-room like that.

"Wrong!" Merryweather cried. "My maths teacher told me the 8th number is 5!!!"

"7!!!"

"5!!!"

Cain huffed and slumped down on a sofa. "Fine, let's make a bet. If it's 5, I'll do whatever you want for a day."

Merry smiled. "Okay! And if it's 7, I'll do whatever you want for a day."

Cain turned away. "I'm going to win…" he muttered.

"OH YES I AM!!!" Merry screamed, getting angry the way little girls do.

Riff sighed. The milk and tea were ready, but he rather not go inside in fear of being the one-in-the-middle. But he was always the middle-man, and he had to deliver the hot drinks some time. So he picked up the cups and walked into the living-room.

"Ah!" Cain examined, standing up. "Riff! You're smart! Tell my stupid little sister what the 8th decimal of pi is!"

Riff smiled. He first handed a very angry Merry her milk. "Pi is 3.14159265. So the 8th decimal is an 5."

"YAY!!!!" Merry was ecstatic with happy.

Cain, on the other hand, was as pale as a sheet.

"Brother Cain now has to do whatever I ask for a day!!" Merry jumped up and down in ecstasy, so much so that she nearly spilled her milk.

Riff turned to his pale master. "Master Cain, are you alright?"

"Umm…well…err…I guess…not…?" was the broken reply.

Riff handed Cain his cup of tea. "Don't be so scared, Master Cain. What's the worst Miss. Merryweather can do?"

Cain's eyes widened with fright. Oh, the possibilities…

~*~

"Brother Cain!!!" Merryweather jumped onto the bed, or rather pounced on it like a cat. The one sleeping a mess of sheets woke up to the sudden intrusion.

Cain groaned. "Merry…?" he sat up from his awkward sleeping position. "Yawn…what time is it?"

"It doesn't matter! Get up, my bet starts here!"

Cain yawned again. "Okay, what do you want me to do?" he asked whilst trying to get himself out of the sheets that held fast to his body.

From behind her back, Merryweather took out a big bag. "Open it." she whispered, excited.

Cain opened it and stared at the item inside. "What's this for?" his face had 'confusion' painted on it.

"It's your item of clothing for today." Merry explained.

Cain stared at his little sister in horror and shock. "You're joking, right…?"

"Nope!" she giggled. "Oh, and brother Cain?"

"Yes?"

"When you're done with that, come into my room and I'll help you with the accessories." Merry laughed and skipped out of the room as suddenly as she came in.

Cain fell back onto his bed, staring at the ceiling with wide eyes. He couldn't believe what was happening. "Why me?" he muttered.

~*~

"Miss Merryweather," Riff asked the girl as she walked past him to the dining room. "Where's Master Cain?"

"He's here." Merry pointed behind her as she went.


"Good," Riff said without looking. "Master Cain, you're breakfast would be cold if you don't eat it soon. Master Cain…?"

Riff turned and gasped.

Standing on the stairs was Cain, wearing a lady's pink silk party gown, with flowers and frills attached. There was white blossoms in his dark hair and he was wearing matching pink shoes. Behind him was a window and through the shimmering light of the sun, he looked like an angel shone down from heaven.

"Master Cain…?" Riff couldn't believe the wonder and beauty he saw before him.

"No longer Cain!" Merry beamed, smiling at her creation. "But now Miss. Cainella!"

"Cain…ella…?"

"Cinderella put on a pretty dress and was instantly transformed," explained Merryweather. "Brother Cain put on a dress and now he looks like a sexy princess!"

"MERRY YOU WITCH!!!!" Cain screamed. He ran to strangle his little sister, but tripped on the high heels and fell flat on his face as one should never run down the stairs in high heels.

Riff sweat-dropped. "Master Cain looks very pretty in a dress…" he muttered to himself.

Cain lifted his face off the ground. "Shut up, Riff," he said angrily. "Spare me the humiliation." The count staggered up and walked into the dining room, limping with every step.

~*~

A few hours past. It became sometime in the afternoon. Cain was, as always, reading a book while sitting on his favourite sofa. Merryweather was playing with the parrot they got some time ago (see 'Who Killed Cock Robin') and Riff was staring out the window, admiring the weather.

Suddenly, someone rang then doorbell. *Ding-Dong* there was a pause. *DING-DONG* *DING-DONG* *DING-DONG* *DING-DONG* the doorbell rang for a few moments in the loudest and most annoying fashion.

"Who can that be?" Riff asked, wondering who could be so rude.

"Hide me!!!" Cain wailed, trying to jump behind the sofa. He didn't want anyone else to see him in a lady's gown.

A maid walked over and opened the door, letting in a person who was probably the loudest and most melodramatic, pathetic excuse of a man there ever was. He greeted the maid passionately and asked for Cain.

Cain paled at the voice. Oh God, why did it have to be him?

Merry had the same thought. The man picked her up and swung her over his shoulder. "Yo, Miss Merry!" he cried.

"OSCAR! LET ME DOWN YOU PERVERT!!!"

(A/N: Merry DOES call Oscar that in... "Castrato Scene IV", unless the Chinese translation is really bad or something. Umm...any reader ever READ "Castrato" in volume 10?)

Our count cringed behind his hiding place. Why did Oscar work Merry up all the time? They'd make a noise pair, if they were a pair. But most importantly: WHY WAS HE HERE?!

Suddenly, he saw a head leaning over him. He looked up, and found himself face-to-face with Oscar.

"'Ello, 'ello, 'ello!" Oscar said happily with an fake accent. "Who's this young lady? I've never seen you before! You look very charming today, Miss!"

Cain got up slowly from behind the sofa. He looked Oscar in the eye and glared at him. "What are you doing here?" he asked icily.

Oscar stared, sweat-dropping slightly with his mouth open. "Cain...?"

Cain nodded slowly, ashamed and embarrassed.

There was silence in the room. Riff and Merry held their breath. Then Oscar, being Oscar, shouted:

"OH MY GOD! MISTER CAIN, YOU SOOO CUTE!!! WHOA, YOU SHOULD DRESS UP LIKE THIS MORE!!! CAN WE GET A PICTURE OF THIS? GO OUTSIDE AND I BET MEN WILL BE SWOONING AT YOU FEET!!!"

The dark-haired count whacked Oscar over the head with his cane. Oscar grabbed his head and whined.

"What are you doing here, Oscar?" Cain asked again.

Oscar finished whining about his head, so he stood up and grinned. "I got an invitation to Miss Merry's tea party!" from his pocket, he took out a crumbled piece of paper (Merry glared at him for treating the delicately written piece of paper in such fashion).

Cain took the invitation from the man, looking at it. He paled as he saw these words.

--IN THE LOCAL PARK.

~*~

It was half past four when Cain, Merry, Oscar and Riff made their way to the park, which was down the street and around the corner. Cain originally intended not to go, but after being dragged by a bratty 10-year-old girl and an annoying 26-year-old (A/N: me thinks Oscar's is 26, looks like it, anyway) man, it was quite hard not to go.

So, with Cain grumbling under his breath, Merry skipping happily, Oscar being what he's usually like and Riff getting crushed under the weight of the picnic basket, they sat down on a nice, clean patch of grass and set up the things in the basket.

A big piece of cloth to sit on. Cups, plates, cutlery. And put into little boxes were sandwiches, cupcakes, biscuits, jam tarts and tea. There was a little bit of everything in this picnic. Of course, if you like sweet things, that is.

Cain was not a big fan of sweet things. He drank a cup of tea, thinking he would be content with that, but unfortunately, he was not. Oscar was munching happily on jam tarts, Merry was eating a slice of Victoria Sponge, even Riff was helping himself to a biscuit. Cain felt like a complete and utter loner.

"I'm going for a walk." He declared, standing up with some difficulty. No wonder women hardly ever sat down on the floor! These dresses made it almost impossible to get up again!

"If anything bad happens to you, just holler and I'll come to the rescue, milady!" Oscar called, sniggering.

Cain sneered. Pathetic excuse of a man... He was just about to walk off when Riff ran after him. "May I join you, master Cain?" he asked.

The reply was a simply shrug. "Sure."

They walked down the track made out of cobble. Cain was finding it easier to walk in high heels now. Around them was all kinds of scented flowers and trees with lush green leaves. It was a very pretty sight, especially with the number of pigeons walking around, feeding off scattered breadcrumbs. There was suddenly a voice.

"Pigeons are not as nice as doves." Sighed a disappointed yet familiar voice.

"I hate pigeons." Declared another rather familiar voice. It was young and youthful sounding.

"Want to dispose of them, Cassi?" the first voice asked.

CASSI???

"I thought you'd never ask, dear doctor." Replied the second voice.

DOCTOR!!!

"JEZEBEL!!!" Cain roared, pushing the bush aside. There, sitting on a wooden bench surrounded by pigeons was Cassian and doctor Jezebel, with breadcrumbs and peanuts in hand. The doctor was dressed all in black, and his sidekick was in pure white. It was a complete opposite of what they are like normally.

"Oh, hello Cain," Jezebel beamed merrily at the count. He suddenly lost all his evilness and the will to kill Cain. "Peanut?" he asked, offering a peanut to our count.

"Doctor!!" Cassian cried, shocked. "Those are for the pigeons!!!"

Jezebel gave Cassian a knowing look. "We have enough peanuts, Cassi. If dear Cain takes one, he'll die too. Good riddance to vermin, I say!"

Cain felt satisfied he did NOT take a peanut. He brushed the offering hand away. "Jezebel, what are you doing?!"

The man with long blonde hair looked puzzled. "It's a gorgeous Sunday afternoon, Cain! What am I suppose to be doing?"

"I don't know!!" Cain said sarcastically. "Cutting up bodies for Delilah?!" he suggested, as that is what the doctor usually does.

Jezebel and Cassian looked rather shocked. "Count!" the doctor cried in dismay. "Do you think that's all I do?!" he threw the peanuts in Cain's face, which fell to the ground and was instantly gobbled up by some very fat pigeons. "I have hobbies, you know. Pigeon poisoning is my favourite."

As several pigeons died on the spot, and Cassian made a little huffy noise.

The doctor looked at his little sidekick and smiled. "Of course, there's nothing like doing better than being with you, Cassi!" he look Cassian into his arms and kissed him fondly on the lips.

The young man blushed, but smiled. "Don't call me Cassi in public..." he muttered as they broke, but he kissed Jezebel back afterwards, this time so passionately that it sent the doctor on his back, with Cassian on top. The peanuts went flying and more pigeons died.

Cain and Riff thought this was a good time to take an exit. They realised that Jezebel never mentioned the dress, but thought it was an inappropriate time to bring the subject up.

They walked a bit further, until they got to the most beautiful fountain anyone had ever saw. It was newly built, so the carved marble shone brightly in the sun. A little girl and her nursery maid played by the water with a wooden toy boat. Cain and Riff stood by, admiring it (fountain, not boat)

"You know," Cain piped up. "Seeing Jezebel and Cassian together makes you realise that anyone can have a relationship."

"Yes," agreed Riff. "And it makes one wonder about one's own relationship!"

"Hmmm..." the dark-haired count muttered. His own relationships had not gone very well recently, seeing how many women slapped him in throughout the months (and men ^_^).

Riff realised this. He cupped Cain's face, making the count look up at him. "If you have a relationship with me, I promise it would not end up like the ones you had before." He whispered, bending down kissing Cain's lips softly.

Cain was surprised, but he felt happy, so he closed his eyes and kissed back.

"Sarah!" squealed the little girl, pointing. "Look how cute those two are!!!"

"Emily, it's rude to point!" hissed Sarah the nursery maid.

But Riff and Cain didn't mind. When they parted, they looked into each other's eyes lovingly.

"You know," Cain whispered to his butler. "Being has a girl has it's advantages. You get strange looks when you kiss..."

Their lips met again, this time it look longer for them to break.

~*~

"Oscar! Look what you've done!!" Merry huffed, trying to clean her dress with a napkin. Oscar had accidentally got jam on it.

"Sorry, miss Merry." He said through a mouthful of tea.

"Don't talk with your mouth full!"

"God, you sound like your home-tutor!"

Merryweather paled. "OSCAR!!!" she roared, lunging at him. But before she did anything, there was a buzzing noise. A bee landed itself on Merry's dress, then another. Merry screamed.

"OSCAR!!! SAVE MEEEEE~!!!" Merry had always had a fear of bees, especially as they stung her on the nose as a little girl.

Bravely, Oscar grabbed a napkin and swiped the bees. The bees flew back a little, stunned, before charging straight to the man for revenge. Oscar screamed too, but he valiantly fought them off with a spoon. The bees, seeing how they cannot attack a man guarded with a spoon, flew off in anger.

Panting slightly with the adrenaline rush, Oscar collapsed onto the picnic blanket, red in the face. Merry slowly crawled up to the man, poking him slightly on the arm.

"Oscar...are you alright...?"

A cheeky grin appeared Oscar's. He pulled Merryweather down so she was laying on his chest, feeling his heartbeat. "Aye, I saved you, Miss Merry..."

Merry smiled and nodded. "Yes, you did, Mr. Oscar..." (a/n: don't know his surname, never read "Red Ram" properly... shame on me!) she whispered, leaning forwards and pecking him on the cheek.

Oscar chuckled. "Aww...miss Merry kissed me..." he kissed he back on the forehead. "What do you say to that?" he asked.

"Pervert." Merry answered seriously, but her lips curved into a smile too, and they both giggled on the blanket.

Just then, Riff and Cain ran over (with Riff holding Cain's hand so the young man wouldn't trip up wearing heels). "Merry! Time to go!" they announced.

Merryweather jumped off Oscar, running into the arms of her brother, who looked more like a sister in his current state. Riff tidied away the food, and Oscar was made to carry it back.

On the way home, the four heard a voice behind them. They continued walking silently but eavesdropped to no end. The conversation went along the lines of:

"So, Cassi, how do you think we did today?"

"Oh, not bad, doctor. Not bad at all. And these pigeons we're taking back can be very useful for various things."

"I have a sudden urge for pigeon pie, shall we make it when we get home?"

"Of course, but we must hide it from Alexis, that man can eat an entire horse in less than half an hour! I've seen him do that at a dinner party!"

"Now, now, Cassi, don't bad-mouth my foster father."

"Sorry."

Cain turned, and saw Jezebel and Cassian, walking behind them hand-in-hand. A bird cage was in Jezebel's free hand, crammed full of pigeons who looked like a bunch of battery hens (though battery hens were not invented in those days, so how he knew was strange......).

"Ah! Cain!" Jezebel called to the person in front.

Cain stopped, so Riff stopped too. "Yes, doctor?" he asked, turning around.

"You look good in a dress!" the man with long blonde hair declared while his dark-haired sidekick sniggered beside him. "Maybe you should come to one of Alexis' parties! He has all sorts of people dressing up! And mind you, even he looks really good in a wedding dress!"

The count went red in the face, and some unmentionable parts of the body too, trying to fight off the image of his should-be deceased father in a bridal gown. The things that went on in his head would traumatise him for life.

So, grabbing Riff's hand with one and Merry's hand in the other, Cain ran down the cobbled streets, trying to get away the insane pair behind them. Oscar shouted for them to wait, but they did not, so he ran after them. The sun shone high in the trees above, and through the sounds of stamping feet, Jezebel and Cassian sang a song, a song which was not yet created but the authoress felt like it suited the part. The song (in which they sang surprisingly in tune), goes like this:

"Spring is here, a-suh-puh-ring is here.

Life is skittles and life is beer.

I think the loveliest time of the year is the spring.

I do, don't you? 'Course you do.

But there's one thing that makes spring complete for me,

And makes ev'ry Sunday a treat for me.

All the world seems in tune

On a spring afternoon,

When we're poisoning pigeons in the park.

Ev'ry Sunday you'll see

My sweetheart and me,

As we poison the pigeons in the park.

When they see us coming, the birdies all try an' hide,

But they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide.

The sun's shining bright,

Ev'rything seems all right,

When we're poisoning pigeons in the park.

Lalaalaalalaladoodiedieedoodoodoo

We've gained notoriety,

And caused much anxiety

In the Audubon Society

With our games.

They call it impiety,

And lack of propriety,

And quite a variety

Of unpleasant names.

But it's not against any religion

To want to dispose of a pigeon.

So if Sunday you're free,

Why don't you come with me,

And we'll poison the pigeons in the park.

And maybe we'll do

In a squirrel or two,

While we're poisoning pigeons in the park.

We'll murder them all amid laughter and merriment.

Except for the few we take home to experiment.

My pulse will be quickenin'

With each drop of strychnine

We feed to a pigeon.

It just takes a smidgin!

To poison a pigeon in the park."

The End

A/N: yep! Craziest fic I've ever done (except maybe for Yami's Diary. Now THAT was crazy!). And while we're still on the subject of Count Cain, I would like to point out there are no Count Cain lemons! The only one I've seen is in French. So, Yours Truly has written a Count Cain lemon! It's called "Like Honey But Sweeter", which is a typical Riff/Cain fic. No one is forced to read it (except maybe Reaper), but it'll be nice if you did. And review it too! Bye!

And if everyone is bored with Riff/Cain, I also have an unposted Jezebel/Cassian in my computer.