(AN: Okay, here's my first attempt at something completely random and silly. If you're reading this, expecting another epic adventure story, fraught with my personal demons and battling with the character faults of Elphaba Thropp, well that's not what this story is about. Pure parody and satire. Written in script, as opposed to my usual violet-shaded prose. [lol])
(Names of real people used ONLY for reference! I do not own Wicked or the characters)
Setting: A Dark Room, lit with candles. A table in the middle (I am the Table!).
Enter Ozian Adventures Elphaba (referred to in short-hand as OA-Elphaba). She bears the resemblance of a cross between Eden Espinosa and a greenified Kristen Stewart. Since she has had the most stories about her, she sits at the head of the table. Next there comes Great War of Oz Elphaba (referred to as Book-Elphaba, since that's pretty much who she is). She has the second-most stories about her, so she sits at OA-Elphaba's right-hand. She pretty much looks like a less scary Margaret Hamitlon [if that's at all possible]. Here comes Musician's FanFicElphaba (MFF-Elphaba), looking like Teal Wicks, sitting at OA-Elphaba's left. The Grimmerie series Elphaba (G-Elphaba), looking like Rachel Tucker, sits at the foot of the table, looking directly across at OA-Elphaba. Two last seats remain empty: they sit between G-Elphaba and MFF-Elphaba and between G-Elphaba and Book-Elphaba. They are reserved for the last two Elphabas who are not yet present.
OA-Elphaba: I think you all know why we're here.
(they grumble their agreement)
OA-Elphaba: As you all know, user wickedmetalviking1990 is preparing to reach his thirtieth fan-fiction. He must be stopped at all costs!
Book-Elphaba: I hate him!
MFF-Elphaba: You hate everyone, and everything!
Book-Elphaba: But this is different! He doesn't take my whining and bullshit like Greg did! He killed me off in the first draft of Great War of Oz and [she laughs mockingly] get this, he's gonna make me re-appear in the next draft! Everyone knows I'm dead!
G-Elphaba: No, you're not. You came back! Everyone who's read Out of Oz knows you came back as well.
Book-Elphaba: Yeah, well who gives a damn?
MFF-Elphaba: You know, some people actually like his stories.
(at this, everyone bursts into raucous laughter)
OA-Elphaba: (trying hard not to laugh) And I thought Glinda was naive!
G-Elphaba: Hey! You leave Glinda out of this!
Book-Elphaba: Why? Don't want your pretty girlfriend's feelings hurt?
G-Elphaba: Do you ever shut up?
Book-Elphaba: (in an Eric Cartman mocking-voice) Do you ever shut up?
OA-Elphaba: Stop!
Book-Elphaba: Make me!
OA-Elphaba: (takes out the Grimmerie, starts flipping through that)
G-Elphaba: Oh, hey, don't do that! You'll let her out!
Book-Elphaba: Who, Yackle? (laughs mockingly) Never stopped me!
MFF-Elphaba: You are so full of yourself!
Book-Elphaba: Aren't you?
OA-Elphaba: (with a stupid expression on her face) I know I am!
G-Elphaba: I'm not.
MFF-Elphaba: I am!
OA, MFF and Book Elphaba: (together) Narcissism ftw! (they all high-five each other)
G-Elphaba: Come on, don't we all get tired of being obsessed with ourselves?
OA-Elphaba: No, I never tire of it. Do you?
Book-Elphaba: Tire of myself? Perish the thought!
MFF-Elphaba: I just love all the spot-lights on me, everyone chanting my name!
G-Elphaba: (singing beneath her breath) When people see me, they will scream...
Book-Elphaba: (exasperatedly) But apparently, Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes WMV1990 has a thing against people who are in love with themselves!
MFF-Elphaba: But that's all I ever wanted. (breaks out into singing) And all of Oz has to love you, when by the Wizard you're acclaimed!
Book-Elphaba: Such a good-body! And all those stupid moral rules! Like he actually thinks its a crime for us to be ashamed of our skin color!
(they all gasp!)
G-Elphaba: Well, didn't we ask the Wizard to degreenify us?
Book-Elphaba: I will not be judged by some stupid Jewish white boy!
G-Elphaba: Careful with the J-word! People will talk...
Book-Elphaba: Let them talk! (mockingly) Oh, people who are treated badly should know what it's like and won't treat other people that way. What a crock! I treat people however the hell I want to treat them! If you don't like it, you can kiss my green...
OA-Elphaba: At last, they're here!
(Enter Trials of Boq and Nessa Elphaba [Trials-Elphaba] and Life and Times of a Jedi Outcast Elphaba [Jedi-Elphaba]. Trials-Elphaba has her face obscured by her hat, and Jedi-Elphaba has a hood down over her face, so you can't see what they look like)
Book-Elphaba: Late, as usual!
Trials-Elphaba: Has she been at it again?
MFF-Elphaba: In spades!
OA-Elphaba: Where have you two been?
Jedi-Elphaba: We snuck into wickedmetalviking1990's underground volcano lair...
G-Elphaba: I need to get me one of those!
Book-Elphaba: Be better than that ratty old castle!
OA-Elphaba: (shh!, turns back to Jedi-Elphaba)Go on.
Jedi-Elphaba: As I said, we snuck into the vault where he keeps the scripts for his stories...
G-Elphaba: Wait, wait, wait! Don't they just keep those online here?
Trials-Elphaba: They do, but he also keeps them in a vault in an underground volcano lair on Savage Land.
(Please don't sue me, Stan Lee! I don't own that either!)
All: Ahh!
OA-Elphaba: Continue.
Jedi-Elphaba: We got a look at the scripts for the upcoming stories!
All: (squeal like Galinda)
OA-Elphaba: And?
Jedi-Elphaba: And he plans to publish one more Ozian Adventures series.
OA-Elphaba: (groans) I hate those. They're so pointless. I mean, nobody does anything. And once again, he makes it look as though my self-absorption is a bad thing.
G-Elphaba: Who wanted a celebration throughout Oz (starts singing)...that's all to do...with me?
Book-Elphaba: Shut up!
G-Elphaba: I mean, can you blame him? The Wizard and I is perhaps our most self-centered song of all of them!
Book-Elphaba: What, have you become the idiot's lawyer now?
G-Elphaba: I'm just trying to look at it from his perspective.
Book-Elphaba: His perspective sucks! He's an idiot who thinks he's smart, and he hates blonds!
OA-Elphaba: Blond men, I should say.
MFF-Elphaba: Oh, don't get me started on Defying Gravity. (holds up a sign that says ATTENTION WHORE)
OA-Elphaba: Enough! (stands up from the table) Fellow Elphabas, we must stop wickedmetalviking1990 at all costs! We cannot allow him to slander our perfect names, to make us look like laughing stocks before all of FF! We cannot allow him to insult, parody and satire our beloved sense of narcissism anymore!
Book-Elphaba: You really are full of yourself!
G-Elphaba: And you're not?
Trials-Elphaba: I was just trying to help Nessa!
Jedi-Elphaba: I was just trying to help save the Galaxy...
G-Elphaba: And get the girl! (they fist-pump)
Book-Elphaba: You Gelphie-girls make me sick!
OA-Elphaba: Didn't Greg say that it was canon?
Book-Elphaba: (scoffs) He beat around the bush and left us all with nothing more than half-guesses and innuendo.
MFF-Elphaba: And out-uendo!
Book-Elphaba: Though I agree with Ozian Adventures Elphaba. Wickedmetalviking1990 must die!
G-Elphaba: Wait, I don't want to kill him!
Book-Elphaba: I do, and that's all that matters!
OA-Elphaba: Elphaba!
Book-Elphaba: I'm tired of him insulting my self-absorption! I mean, what other cause is better than the cause of me?
G-Elphaba and MFF-Elphaba: The Animals!
Book-Elphaba: Screw 'em.
Trials-Elphaba: Saving my sister.
Book-Elphaba: A religious pain-in-the-ass, just like wickedmetalviking1990.
OA-Elphaba: You do realize, Book-Elphaba, that if he dies, we die with him.
Book-Elphaba: Who cares, I'm gonna go burn down his house while he sleeps. Then I'm gonna go burn a church down and cut myself. Who's coming with me?
Jedi-Elphaba: (using her Force powers) You don't want to kill wmv1990.
Book-Elphaba: Yes, I do, and if you do that again (waves hand about mockingly) I'm gonna take that hand of yours and shove it up your...
MFF-Elphaba: Let's not kill him! Let's just make his writing process torturous, so he'll leave us alone!
OA-Elphaba: I tried that, it didn't work.
Trials-Elphaba: Oooh, I have one...(frowns) but my story is over, I can't take part of it.
Jedi-Elphaba: Go on, tell us!
Trials-Elphaba: Can't you all just turn into Jemma Rix? I mean, that messes with his brain enough. And it works with you, didn't it? (points to OA-Elphaba)
OA-Elphaba: It did, emphasis on 'did'.
Book-Elphaba: My face scares the hell out of him! That should be enough!
G-Elphaba: I think we need to prank him, like how Glinda pranked me.
All: (groans in exasperation)
MFF-Elphaba: Not the prank story again!
G-Elphaba: Glinda dressed me up in that ridiculous pink dress. I still have it. Maybe we should put it on him while he's asleep.
Book-Elphaba: Screw this, I'm gonna go kill him.
(a bucket of water suddenly materializes over Book-Elphaba's head)
OA-Elphaba: Hey, where did that come from?
(the bucket dumps the water upon Book-Elphaba)
Book-Elphaba: Not again! (she then proceeds to melt in a manner so horrifying and gruesome that even Quentin Tarentino would not dare to depict it onscreen. As such we are simply filling this scene of gratuitous violence in with a voice-over that sounds like John "Cheese" [aka Cleese].)
OA-Elphaba: I guess the meeting's adjourned. (they all begin to leave) Oh, do any of you have Idina's number? I'm gonna have her go over to his house and moon him when he wakes up. That'll teach him a lesson!
(AN: Completely useless, except in parodying Elphaba's narcissism. I got the first inklings of that evil plot-bunny from the whole "Was I really seeking good/or just seeking attention?" line from "No Good Deed." After all, it was the analysis of that, "The Wizard and I" and "Defying Gravity" that got me into the row with Elphaba that I still haven't worked my way out of.)
(Don't worry, Book-Elphaba will be back in time for The Great War of Oz Revisited - ifshe behaves, that is!)