Fabulous human bodybuilder priest extraordinaire, Enriee Mashell (no he wasnt French you heathens!) had a mission to do. After he had single-handedly overthrown the Chinese drug dealer vampire leader, several of the kung fu shaolin monk vampire minions had followed him. Though he had fought them off, they followed him all the way to England where he had to report to a secret headquarters under the Thames. To make his job easier he had to schedule a meeting with England's own vampire hunting association leader, Integral Wingates Hellsing. He took out his pen, pressed a few buttons and transformed it into a cell phone, then dialed her private line which he had found out through the combination of some well-placed telemarketers and telepathy.
"Hello?" camed Sir Integral's so sultry, so sexy voice from the other line after only a few two rings.
"Hello Sir Integral," purred Enriee Mashell.
Integral instantly felt excited as she heard the priest's gorgeous voice. She didn't know what to say, and she tried to steady her trembling hand by thinking about Alucard. That always bored her to death.
"How can I help you?" Integral said, trying to remain calm and businesslike, even though that line was not for business, it was for relatives only! Even though she didn't have any relatives! She was a poor abandoned orphan. Enriee Mashell had once been an orphan on the streets. His parents had been killed before his very own cerulean eyes, and he had had no home. He often woke up with nightmares about blood and stuff, but he was too strong to let it affect him. He had survived through his own guts and sharp instincts.
"You can help me indeed!" he said in his sexy voice to Integral, although his intentions were honorable, women just couldn't help falling in love with him!
Integral nearly swooned.
"Alucard in a thong! Think of Alucard in a thong!" Integral said loudly, then vomited at the mental image.
Enriee Mashell nearly vomited, but his manliness stopped him from having to do so.
"Why, Integral, are you alright?" he said, sexily. The only reason he had become a Catholic priest was to keep the women away from him. One day he knew the right woman would come along, then he would no longer have to stay under the guise of a celibate man!
"I… I'm fine," Integral said, even though she was not fine! She was caught between utter disgust at Alucard and utter fascination for this mysterious man that had called her private line.
"We should not want anything to happen to the fair beauty of the North!" said Enriee.
Integral was very very flattered even though people flattered her all the time, this was the first time it touched her. "I… yes…" was all she could say.
"As it turns out," Enriee purred, "you can help me, my dear Integral."
Integral almost fainted. Help him? He needed HER? How wonderful could life be?
"Go out to dinner with me," he whispered.
Integral nearly squealed, which she never does. Not for anyone! But maybe... maybe for her dear Enriee!
"Dinner? With you? Of course!" said Integral.
"Who are you talking to, Madam?" said that rude old man who always interrupts the fair Integral in all her most important of moments!
"None of your business!" Integral snapped at the old man! This alone showed how affected she was by Enriee's presence on the phone because she never snapped at anyone! There was a disturbance in her mind force! The old man shrugged and dusted her doorway and went away to bring her food.
"Good," Enriee said in a low voice. "I shall meet you at Lawry's Prime Rib House of England at 7 sharp tonight!" There was no Lawry's Prime Rib in England, but Enriee was so powerful that he had it transported from America by helicopter!
"Ok! 7! I'll be there! I love prime rib!" Integral squealed even though she had never been to the place before. She hung up before realising that she hadn't bothered to ask where it was.
Integral ran to that old man's room and kicked him away from his computer. Then she searched for Lawry's Prime Rib House of England, but couldn't find it!
"Oh no! What will I do?" shrieked Integral.
"What is that restaurant that appeared outside awhile ago?" asked the old man, who, more useful than usual, pointed out the window at England's new Lawry's.
"Oh!" said Integral, swooning in delight.
"No man has ever brought me a restaurant before!" Integral sighed dreamily, her heart beating wildly.
"It will be hard to clean off the front yard," said the old man, observing the restaurant, because all that old man ever does is observe and clean. How annoying!
"shut up!" Integral said, annoyed. "Go clean the pantry or something." Then she ran back to her room and started going through closets of slinky black dresses, trying to pick the one that best suited her pale good looks.
Meanwhile, Enriee was searching through his own closet, frowning at it, then at the computer over and over again. He turned to the computer once more, reading the large black letters on the screen out loud for the thousandth time.
"No T-shirts, torn blue jeans, or athletic wear. What should I do? All I have IS athletic wear, being that I'm always athletic! Everything turns athletic whenever I wear it!" shouted the athletic Enriee athletically.
To demonstrate, he put on some furry pink gloves, and they immediately turned into sleek black ninja gloves at the very touch of his burning skin! Then he put on crappy straw sandals, and they immediately turned into Nikes! With wings! "I can't believe I'm too cool to dress for this restaurant!" Enriee said in disbelief to himself. You see, he was humble as well as wonderful and powerful and sexy. "Oh woe!" he said. "Integral will most surely be in a beauteous dress! I will look beauteous in anything but the rules of mere mortals restrain me! What shall I do?"
Suddenly, Enriee's faithful but stupid servant Hendrix Anderson came barging in.
"You know what I do during times like these?" he shouted.
"Hendrix! Don't be so loud!" said Enriee. But his servant never knew any better!
"I WOULD GO NAKED!" said Anderson.
"Not so loud!" Enriee said, horrified, looking around. Although he indeed had a very nice sculpted body to be proud of, he had some decency as a priest! However, as a bodybuilder, he had often gone naked for a change.
"WHY NOT LAWL" said Anderson. Enriee rolled his eyes, as he tried for the millionth time to explain something to his dull lackey. "I don't think it's allowed," he said patiently.
"BUT THE COMPUTER SAYS NO TORN JEANS T SHIRTS OR ATHLETIC WEAR" said Anderson. "YOU WOULD BE FOLLOWING THE RULES"
Enriee contemplated. The Stupid had a point.
As if to prove The Stupid's point, his smart-assed friend came in to tower over both of them and blind them with his glaring glasses.
"Yes, why don't you go ahead and be a complete retard!" said The Stupid's friend.
"What, how dare you!" said Enriee, puffing up his chest. The Stupid's friend seemed impressed, but he hid it quite well.
"You know it's the truth! How stupid can anybody get? My god!" said The Stupid's friend, rolling his eyes.
Enriee was enraged. How dare The Stupid's heathen friend come in and take his lord's name in vain? And insult his superb idea in the process?
"I WILL GO NAKED IF ITS THE LAST THING I DO!" Enriee screamed into the friend's ear.
The Stupid and his smart mouth friend took a frightened step back as Enriee stood imposingly. They were awed and inspired by his determined determination, and they cried because they knew they would never look as good naked.
While inspirational music played, Enriee ripped all of his clothes off, flexing his toned muscles as he did so. The world would admire him, and Integral would be so pleasantly surprised! The things he did for his duty.
It was nearly seven, and Integral was nervously seated at Lawry's. She looked at the clock, waiting for seven o'clock to come - the time for her prince's arrival!
Enriee strode down the streets beaming and proud as people screamed with delight around him. He had a single rose between his teeth, and he sparkled with manliness as he took the steps into Lawry's.
Striding into the restaurant, he walked straight to his reserved table. All the waitresses were too awed or swooning or dying of love for him to seat him, so he took it upon himself to take charge, like he always did! He could see the beauteous Integral sitting, waiting anxiously in a most becoming and revealing black dress.
Integral looked around the restaurant. There was a commotion near the front door, as several waitresses burst into hysterical sobs or swooning fits. Could it be him? She nervously clasped her fingers together, waiting.
"Integral! It is I!" shouted the magnificent Enriee, posing madly!
Integral took one look at him and her eyes grew as big as plates, and she fainted promptly. Enriee dashed to her and caught her in the nick of time!
"Oh, my beloved Integral! In my arms at last!" said Enriee passionately.
He kissed her with the force and heat of a thousand suns, and she opened her eyes. "E--e--nriee..." she gasped, still unable to comprehend what she had seen. She felt she was weakening, for his blessed magnificent body was too much for mortals to handle!
"But I believe in you," he whispered in her ear. "I chose you because you were the only one worthy, the only one who could withstand the blaze of my being and still live!"
Encouraged, Integral tried to stand on her feet, but another glimpse of him and she fainted again. Enriee caught her and swept her back into their seats. "A wine for the lady," he said carelessly. Fifty waitresses screamed and clawed each other's hair out in their frenzy to obey him.
Integral leaned forward, gazing into Enriee's beautiful shining eyes. As the waitresses brought them their wine and lit romantic candles around them, Enriee sipped his drink carefully before taking Integral's dainty hands in his own.
"Integral," Enriee whispered. "Will you marry me?"
Not surprisingly, Integral burst into tears. Not because he had expected a "yes" right away, but because women often burst into tears at the very sight of him.
"How could I?" she sobbed. "I am not worthy! No one is worthy of you!" She gestured at the million fangirls that were congregating outside Lawry's, screaming his name.
"Ah, but I chose you to be worthy! I deem you so!" Enriee smiled, tipping her chin up with his sexy finger. "And whatever I say so must be so!"
Integral hesitated. Could she accept the offer of this demigod? Would she be sucked into the fiery flames of his presence and be consumed? Or would she be all the more brighter because of his star?
"I... I just don't know!" sobbed Integral, overcome by emotion. "Will you hate me if I asked you to wait?"
"I can wait a hundred years for you, Integral," whispered Enriee. "Even two hundred years if need be!"
"Oh, Enriee!" sobbed Integral. Just then, who could it be but The Stupid and his friend to ruin the moment?
"I WANT SOME PRIME RIB TOO ALL YOU EVER GIVE ME ARE BREAD CRUSTS" complained The Stupid.
"That's because you're a lowly servant, and all you deserve are bread crusts!" snapped Enriee. After all, only wonderful people like him and Integral got to eat prime rib! Common plebeians should eat bread!
"I demand you give him better food or I will turn you into a frog!" said The Stupid's friend.
"Oh Enriee," shrieked Integral, clinging to him in fear. He felt the immediate need to protect her, so he threw himself in front of her. "You will not touch her!" he snarled.
"I JUST WANT PRIME RIB" howled Hendrix Anderson.
Enriee took this as a coded sentence meaning "Attack!" He braced himself to take on these formidable opponents and flexed his muscles to be ready! Then he did a few stretches to make sure he was nice and limber. Then he drank a raw egg to get his protein. Then he jogged around Lawry's once.
The Stupid jumped up and tripped Enriee. What a cheater!
"PRIME RIB! PRIME RIB!" screamed Hendrix Anderson, like the Neanderthal he was.
"I WILL GIVE YOU PRIME RIB!" shouted Enriee, posing to show that he wasn't hurt at all by The Stupid's excuse for an attack!
"YAAAAAAAAY!" screamed The Stupid, as he charged Enriee. Enriee reached out and clubbed him with a chair.
The force of his might was so great that The Stupid could not get up from the floor, and lay there sobbing.
"How dare you!" said his friend. He readied his hands together and sent a sonic blast his way, but Enriee's mere presence alone blocked it, and it bounced harmlessly off his manly chest.
"Oh my!" swooned Integral as he fought off all the men. She had never seen such agility of movement, such raw strengh, and such quickness of hand!
"Oh, Enriee! I'll marry you! I'll marry you!" shouted Integral.
Enriee turned to her, and Integral swooned again as she was given a full view of ALL HIS MANLY PARTS. Enriee laughed his manly laugh and gathered Integral in his arms and rushed to his house.
Immediately, he called The Stupid over his intercom, and Hendrix Anderson rushed over, despite being incapacitated on the floor of Lawry's. This just shows how much respect and loyalty Enriee commanded! He took a glove and slapped Anderson across the face with it. "You've now been dubbed a priest!"
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY" said Anderson who was awed to receive such an honor from the greatest man alive.
"Now marry us!" Enriee commanded.
Anderson danced around like the idiot he was.
"You want me to marry you? That's great! I always wanted a family!" gushed The Stupid as he glomped both Enriee and Integral.
"HOW DARE YOU!" roared Enriee in his most holy god powerish of voices as he slapped Anderson with his pecs.
Unfortunately, Enriee's pecs were so firm and manly that Anderson flew clear across the room.
"Oh no," sobbed Integra. "Now how will we be married?" She felt that if she remained unmarried a second longer, she would implode from Enriee withdrawal or something.
"Never fear," Enriee winked at her. He took out the ribbon to his hair (leaving the shining locks to cascade around him in gorgeous waves) and pressed the tip of it. Immediately, they were teleported straight into the Pope's office!
The Pope began to sob as soon as he saw the beautiful couple.
"You have my blessings!" he said, falling to his knees. Even the Pope was putty in Enriee's manly hands!
Enriee kissed Integral passionately, and Integral fell with delight!
With just a wave of his fingers, Enriee produced a marriage certificate out of thin air! Integral clung to him, and she didn't let go as they got on the plane and flew to the Bahamas for their free honeymoon (compliments of the Church)! Since Enriee was technically no longer a priest (so in a way he was dead as a priest!) the Vatican made him a saint!
THE END