Aaron Hotchner sat behind his desk, working hard and extremely focused as usual. He heard the light knock on his door and looked up from the file he was studying.
"You wanted to see me Hotch?" Emily Prentiss asked.
"Yes, close the door and come sit down." Hotch told her.
Emily closed the door slowly while quickly racking her brain trying to remember what she might have done to earn a closed door meeting with her supervisor. She hated closed door meetings with Hotch. He could cut a person in half with his cold steely stares and honest, albeit sometimes, harsh comments. They'd become closer over the years, but he still didn't hesitate to reprimand her and harshly when he deemed it necessary. He typically didn't deem it necessary to reprimand any of them unless they were being reckless and he felt like it was time to reel them back in for their own safety as well as the safety of the team, but she hadn't done anything reckless lately so she wasn't sure why she was about to be sliced open in only the way Hotch could slice a person open.
Hotch glanced up from his paperwork and noticed the look of trepidation in her eyes.
"Relax Prentiss, you aren't in trouble." Hotch said.
"Thank god, I couldn't figure out what I'd done, which makes it difficult to come up with a good lie to back you off." Prentiss replied, drawing what almost resembled a smirk from Hotch.
"You're all pretty terrible liars. You do realize that I back off because I'm usually done saying whatever I had to say, not because you've changed my mind with your fabrications don't you?" Hotch asked in a slightly amused tone as he dropped his pen and relaxed back into his chair.
"Aw come on Hotch, you'd be disappointed if we didn't at least try to put one over on you." She teased.
"No, I'd probably be concerned, wondering if you were sick or something." He returned the tease.
So, what did you want to talk to me about?" Prentiss asked.
" Texas has a death row inmate, Charles LeJohn. He raped, tortured and murdered 17 women that they know of." Hotch told her.
"That they know of?" Prentiss asked.
"They're not sure because he had a partner, a partner they never caught." Hotch told her.
"And what, they want us to pull a death bed confession from him?" Prentiss asked.
"Pretty much. They've asked if we could spare a couple of agents to come to Texas, study the files, revisit the crime scenes, talk to victim's families, talk to the witnesses and talk to LeJohn, see if we can figure out who his partner was before he's executed." Hotch told her.
"When is he scheduled to be executed?" Prentiss asked.
"In nine days. I want you to come with me. I know that the Karl Arnold interview was difficult for you, but you handled it exceptionally and I'm going to need more of that exceptional work if we have any hope of cracking this guy." Hotch told her.
"Yeah, uh, so how much do I resemble the victims?" She asked.
"Other than being a woman?" He asked.
"Come on Hotch, you must need me as some kind of bait, otherwise you'd be taking Reid or Morgan with you." She accused.
"Forget it. I'll take Reid with me." Hotch dismissed her.
"No, wait, Hotch. I didn't say I didn't want to go." Emily argued.
"No, you're questioning your abilities and I don't need that with me on this trip. I need someone who is confident and in charge and obviously that's not you if you think the only reason I want you to assist me is because I want to use you as some kind of bait." He said calmly.
"I'm sorry. It was wrong of me to assume that was the only reason you asked me to go with you. I guess I still believe you don't trust me as much as you trust the guys. I want to go with you Hotch. I can do this." Emily insisted.
"I know you can. I wouldn't have asked you to come along if I didn't believe that." He told her.
"So are we good?" She asked.
"We're good. Here's the case file on LeJohn. It's just a summary, there are boxes of information waiting for us in Texas . Can you be ready to leave in an hour?" He asked, handing her a file and knocking another file onto the floor in front of her.
She reached down to pick up the contents of the file, saw the insurance policies, mortgage papers, copies of Haley's death certificate and a check for $2 million dollars dated five months ago and quickly shoved it all back into the folder. She handed him the folder, made eye contact with him and decided now was not the time to ask him about it.
"I can be ready in an hour." She told him.
"Great, I'll see you on the jet." He said and returned his focus to the paperwork in front of him, his queue that they were done and she was dismissed.
She walked toward the door, opened it and turned to look at him. He was already back into whatever he'd been working on when she entered his office, head down, pen in hand and scribbling notes furiously.
"It must be so chaotic inside his head." She thought to herself and walked away from his office.
Emily boarded the plane and stopped in the aisle. She could see the back of his head and could tell he was on the phone. She didn't want to eaves drop, but didn't want to interrupt him either so she just stood, frozen to the spot and unsure whether she should make her presence known as she couldn't help but hear his side of the conversation.
"I'm working on it Jessica. I have the stack of potential nannies you gathered in front of me right now."
"I promise I will be ready to interview the ones I like by the time I get home."
"He has an appointment tomorrow morning and another one on Friday morning."
"He responds better to the therapist in the mornings because he's not tired and it's more important than anything he's learning in Pre-K."
"Jess, he's going to wet the bed no matter what precautions you take. Just please don't make a big deal about it."
"Yeah, I know you wouldn't do anything to make him feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. I appreciate everything you've done for us. You know that right?"
"I will and thanks. Tell Jack I'll call him tonight before he goes to bed."
Those were his final words or so she thought.
"Are you going to sit down Prentiss?" He asked.
"Yes, I was just…..uh…..trying to give you some privacy." She replied awkwardly.
She walked toward the seats where he was seated and took a seat in the chair directly across from him. To suggest that he looked troubled would've been an understatement, but his body language was screaming "Do Not Disturb" so she didn't, at least not at first. Thirty minutes into the silent flight she finally spoke up.
"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked.
He didn't verbalize a response, he didn't need to. He could convey more with a look than any person she'd ever encountered in her entire life and right now the look was strongly suggesting he'd rather have a root canal than talk about it.
"Okay, you don't want to talk about it, but you need to." She pushed.
"Prentiss, I'm fine." He grumbled.
"Why do you always push people away?" She asked.
"I don't. The job we do is difficult and requires all of our focus. Burdening one of my agents with my personal baggage would not only be unprofessional it would hinder that focus." He stated coldly.
"We've got a two hour flight ahead of us that doesn't require us to focus on anything and I'm not just one of your agents Hotch, I'm your friend." She told him, unable to hide the anger and the hurt she felt over how easily he dismisses people, even people he should consider his friends.
He picked up on the change in her tone and attitude immediately and he felt a twinge of guilt upon the realization that he'd managed to hurt her feelings by rejecting her attempt to reach out to him as a friend, not just a co-worker.
"Yes, of course you are. I'm sorry. I've got a lot on my plate right now and my fuse is shorter than normal." He apologized in a calm, soft tone.
"Damn, that's pretty short." She teased, forcing a slight smile onto his face.
"I appreciate your concern Emily, but it's personal and it's difficult and I'd prefer to keep it to myself." He said softly.
"Maybe if you talked about it you'd feel better." She offered.
"I wouldn't." He rebutted.
"Okay, then I would. You're distracted by whatever is going on and I don't want to be in the same room with a serial rapist/murderer if you aren't on your game." She challenged.
"Do you really believe I'd allow myself to be so distracted I'd put you in danger?" He asked.
"No, not intentionally, but Hotch, you're human. I know that comes as a shock to you; but you really are, and you need to trust the people who work with you every day." She continued to push.
"I trust you with my life Prentiss." He said.
"But not with your secrets." She countered.
"Why do you care so much?" He asked.
"For the same reasons you do. If the roles were reversed, you'd call me into your office and you wouldn't let me leave until I spilled my guts or you'd assign one of the team to pry it out of me, but either way you wouldn't let me sit and stew." She argued.
"Jack's really struggling and honestly, I don't know how to help him." He sighed heavily, finally giving in to her badgering.
"What's going on with him?" She asked.
"He's acting out at school and he has nightmares, bad ones. He must've been so frightened hiding inside that storage bench, hearing gunshots and hearing his mother's screams as she fought for her life. I know Haley and I know that she tried hard to go quietly for Jack's sake, but when you're terrified and someone is killing you, it's impossible to just go quietly." He spoke softly, regretfully.
"I'm sorry Hotch. I guess we all just kind of hoped Jack was spared the trauma, which was probably naïve, but easier than considering that a four year old knew what was happening." Emily said.
"I don't think he knew at the time that his mother was being killed, but he knew the noises were bad. He wakes up crying hysterically for me in the middle of the night because he can hear her screams. It's heartbreaking." He admitted.
"He wants to know why you didn't save mommy?" She asked cautiously.
He looked at her, his dark eyes boring into hers.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have….." She started to apologize.
"No, it's okay. I didn't save her. I tried, but I couldn't and that's what I tell Jack and he's okay with that. But because Jack is four and believes that he is supposed to be as strong and brave as his father, he's not okay with the fact that he didn't try to save her." Hotch told her his voice soft and sad as it trailed off.
"Oh Hotch, that's so…devastatingly sad." She finally finished, her eyes filling with tears.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, both needing the time to compose themselves, the topic of his traumatized toddler too painful for him to talk about for very long and too painful for her to hear about for very long.
"You mentioned a therapist. He's talking to someone?" She asked.
"He spends more time in time-out than at his desk at school. He wets the bed every night and he wakes up screaming at least four times a week. I decided I was in over my head. He's been seeing a therapist for about a month now. It's helping I think, but I need to provide a more stable environment for him. A home with a yard for him to play in and a home that he stays at regardless of how many trips to other states I have to make." He explained.
"So that's what the list of nannies is for?" Emily asked.
"He needs his mother, but I can't do anything about that. Jessica is great, but she has her own life and should be able to just enjoy her nephew, not be responsible for raising him a good percentage of the time. A live-in nanny seems like the most logical option. I never thought I'd be the kind of parent that would let a nanny raise my child." He said.
"The nanny won't be raising Jack, the nanny will just be caring for him while you're working. I had several nannies while growing up." She told him.
"Yeah? How'd that make you feel?" He asked, genuinely interested in how it affected her relationship with her parents.
"Having a person who was solely focused on me and my needs was pretty great. But the nanny was always just that Hotch, just this really great friend that made sure all my daily needs were met. The nanny wasn't a replacement for my parents physically or emotionally." She said.
"But you're mother wasn't dead Emily. I want Jack to have female influences in his life, but I think it would be irresponsible of me to bring a woman into the house full-time knowing how badly he misses and needs his mother." He explained.
"That's a valid concern Hotch. Are there any men in that stack of potentials?" She asked.
"I don't know. I haven't looked at them, but that's a good idea. I don't know why that didn't occur to me." He said.
"Because you're Hotch and men and women fill very specific roles in your mind, not that you aren't open-minded and willing to give people a chance based on their merits rather than their sex, but just that initially that's how your mind works." She told him, making him smile.
"Can I ask you one more question Hotch?" Emily asked.
"Sure." He said.
"Why do you have a five month old check for 2 million dollars in a folder on your desk?" She asked.
"I haven't decided what to do with it. Haley and I took out those life insurance policies a month before Jack was born. I wanted to make sure they would be provided for if anything should happen to me. It never occurred to me that I'd be the one left behind." He said regretfully.
She didn't respond. She couldn't. What could she say that could offer this man any kind of comfort? Nothing. There was nothing she could say to change the fact that he was the one that was left behind, but sometimes listening and not trying to offer a cliché was enough and she was satisfied that this was one of those times. They sat quietly for a few minutes, but it wasn't an uncomfortable silence, it was a knowing and appreciative silence. He finally spoke.
"Thank you Emily." He said.
"For what?" She asked.
"For making me spill my guts. You were right. I do feel better." He admitted.
"Any time Hotch and since we've studied this file on LeJohn enough, how about we go through that stack of nanny applications. Surely two trained profilers will be able to find the perfect fit for Jack." She offered.
"You think? I think nobody is ever going to be qualified to care for my son." Hotch huffed.
"That's why you need my assistance agent Hotchner. I'm not nearly as emotionally invested as you are and can be more objective." She told him and smiled.