A Heart To Heart Chat
Hutch jolted awake covered in sweat. He rolled over and looked at the clock it was 1 o'clock in the morning. Too early to call Starsky and talk about it, although he knew he could if he really wanted to. He could talk to Starsk about anything, but this talk could wait until morning. He tried to go back to sleep but only dozed off a little while at a time.
Finally at 6 a.m. he called his partner. Starsky was just waking up and was still groggy when he answered the phone, "Yeah, Hutch?"
Hutch tried to sound like nothing was bothering him and said, "Since the boys are riding their bikes to school today can you stop by here on the way to work?"
Starsky could hear tension in Hutch's voice. Hutch never could hide anything from him. He said, "You ok?"
Hutch said, "Yeah, I just got something I'd like to talk to you about."
Starsky said, "Sure, I'll be right over as soon as he leaves for school."
Hutch said, "Thanks." Davey and Kenny wanted to ride their bikes to school and that was fine with Hutch. He had a lot on his mind. He was good at hiding things from everyone except Starsky.
Starsky came over and let himself in. He found Hutch sitting at the kitchen table with two cups of strong coffee already poured. Starsky sat in the chair across from Hutch. Hutch just looked into his coffee cup, never looking up. Starsky just looked at his partner for a minute, studying him. He could read Hutch better than most people could read words on a page in a book. Hutch was kind of hoping Starsky would know what was bothering him it would make an explanation easier. Starsky reached out his hand and put it on Hutch's arm and said, "Hutch, you're shaking. You had another nightmare didn't you?"
Hutch slowly said, "Yes, but it wasn't what you're thinking. It wasn't about the kidnapping."
Starsky looked and knew or at least he thought he knew what Hutch dreamed and said, "You dreamed I died didn't you?" Hutch had those dreams before years ago after an assignation attempt on Starsky had failed. But he hadn't had one in a long time and couldn't figure what brought this one on.
Hutch said, "Not this time Starsk. I dreamed I died and I saw what it did to you. Now don't say anything until I finish ok."
Starsky said, "Ok."
Hutch said, "We've danced around this I don't know how many times. We have talked about everything else. Sooner or later one of us is going to have to face it."
Starsky knew exactly what his partner was talking about. He always knew what Hutch was thinking. Starsky had been thinking the same thing and said, "Yeah, I know Hutch. I've been thinking about it too. I want you to know I've been writing you letters." Hutch smiled, almost laughed. Starsky said, "You think that's funny?"
Hutch said, "Only because I've been writing you letters to buddy. That nightmare I had really shook me up Starsk, and I want to say things now before you have to read them in a letter. "
Starsky sat back in his chair. He knew this was going to be an emotional scene but that was ok. He's shared a lot of long emotional scenes with Hutch. He could talk to Hutch about anything. As he took a sip of his coffee he said, "Ok. Let's get it out of our systems." He smiled at Hutch. He said, "You know Dobey told Chief Sterling when he took over that we were closer than any partners he'd ever seen even closer than him and Elmo were."
Hutch said, "Yeah, he told him it was like we were so much a part of each other it's like we're one person."
Starsky said, "He also told him he'd have to keep a close eye on us, that we would be a handful to supervise." He laughed and so did Hutch.
Starsky got a serious look on his face and said, "Years ago I told you I'd give you my cowboy boots, do you remember?"
Hutch said, "How could I forget. I almost lost you then."
Starsky said, "I meant it then and I mean it now. Hutch you have been the best partner, friend, buddy, I could ever hope for. Sometimes I don't know what I did to deserve a friend like you. You have always been there for me whenever I needed you. I value what we have so much. I hope you know that. "
Hutch said, "You know that really goes both ways. You have been there for me when I couldn't be there for myself. I have always been able to count on you too." He looked at Starsky with an I mean it look, and Starsky looked back as if to say I do to pal. Hutch continued, "If I do go first please go on living. I'd want you to be happy and have a good life. I know you will look after Davey for me, but I want you to look out after you too. I value what we have too. There is no one, even Jennifer, who has known me like you do. I don't have to hide anything from you. I want you to know I want you to be happy."
Now it was Starsky's turn to smile almost laugh. He said, "Hutch, I said almost those exact words in one of the letters to you. You need to promise me the same thing. Above everything else I'd want you to be happy. I know you'd look after Jeanne and Kenny and I know they'd be okay, but you I worry about." He took a sip of his coffee. They were both trying not to tear up. Going on without each other was not a thought they wanted to think about. Starsky knew that they needed to talk about it though. He looked at Hutch and said, "Do you know when I started writing my letters to you?"
Hutch said, "I would guess after the whole Gunther incident."
Starsky nodded and said, "I've been writing a letter to you every year on New Year's Eve since then. I was just going to write one letter and update it as time went on, but then I wrote that second letter and decided to keep adding new letters. I figured you'd like to have more than one short letter from me after I'm gone so now you have a lot of letters to read. But I'd like you to know now, and I hope you already know, just what our friendship means to me."
Hutch said, "Do you know when I started writing letters to you?"
Starsky said, "When you had the plague?"
Hutch nodded and said, "I've added a letter every year on your birthday. I want you to know the same thing. Our friendship has meant everything to me. No matter what's gone on in my life, what I have to face, our friendship is always there. Whatever I had to go through, I knew you were there and knowing we'd tackle it together meant it was half won. Promise me that no matter how I die you won't feel responsible. I mean if I die saving you it's worth it to me."
Starsky moved to the chair next to Hutch. He put his arm around him and said, "Is that what you dreamed? You died saving me and I felt guilty?"
Hutch couldn't answer he just looked at Starsky and nodded. He said, "Starsk, you were a mess. I don't want that."
Starsky said, "What if I die saving you, can you promise me the same thing? Will you be okay with that?"
Hutch said, "Okay with it no, but I promise I'll live through it."
Starsky said, "Maybe we'll go together in a blaze of glory." He smiled trying to lighten the mood.
Hutch said, "Huggy would never forgive us if we went together."
Starsky said, "I think he'd understand. I'm not so sure about Jeanne and the boys though."
Hutch said, "However we go, we've had a hell of a ride huh?"
Starsky said, "It sure has been partner, but only because we've had each other." He took a sip of his coffee, "Did you ever think we'd ever be cops this long?"
Hutch said, "Are you kidding, I never thought we'd live past the first ten years." He took a sip of his coffee too and said, "Starsk, whichever one of us is left will have a lot of memories, a lot of good memories."
Starsky added, "And some not so good. But we sure have a lot of em don't we?"
Hutch said, "I'm so glad I've you by my side to share them all, the good, the bad and the ugly. Starsk, you've seen me at my best, my worst and everything in between."
Starsky said, "I wouldn't change a thing. You've always let me be me through it all. Through all our differences I could always be myself around you. We've always been able to talk about anything. Like know, talking about death and dying and losing each other, getting it all out in the open hoping to make each other feel better for when the time comes."
Hutch said, "I've never been ashamed or embarrassed about sharing my thoughts and feelings with you. I want you know that."
Starsky said, "We both know that our friendship is very special to each of us. I promise, Hutch, that I will know that if you go first I will remember that."
Hutch said, "I will remember that to, Starsk. So we agree no guilty feelings about anything. We both know that we would be willing to die for each other and we both know how much our friendship means to us."
Starsky said, "We agreed years ago not to feel guilty about what happens to each other remember?"
Hutch said, "Yeah, but in my dream you did. You did feel guilty and it tore you up inside."
Starsky said, "Like you said, we both know we would die for each other. We've been down that road before, too many times to count. If it happens the one left behind will have to know that's how we'd want it. Life will go on. It wouldn't be the same without you, buddy, but it will go on."
Hutch said, "I'm glad I wrote you those letters though. If you ever want to read them while I'm still alive you can. They're in my file with your power of attorney papers. "
Starsky said, "I'm glad I wrote you too. If you want to read them they're in my file with your power of attorney papers. We know we've pushed our luck so many times."
Hutch nodded and said, "Yep that have, buddy." He took another sip of his coffee. He was starting to feel better. He was glad he called Starsky over to talk. "We agree to go on with our lives and eventually be happy again."
Starsky said, "It won't be easy but we both know that's what the other would want. We could make an agreement to light a candle on the other's birthday every year and have a drink in honor of Me & Thee and the life we've shared, but only if we agree to go on with life the other 364 days of the year."
Hutch said, "Deal" as they both raised their cups in the air and let them hit gently as if this was a toast. Hutch put his arm around Starsky. "Thanks for coming over. After that dream, I just had to get this all out you know."
Starsky said, "I'm glad we did. You're right this is one thing we've danced around for years. I guess I just couldn't face it. Losing the one constant I've had since becoming a cop and that's you Hutch. I'm glad you know that and I'm glad you know how I feel about us."
Hutch said, "I'm glad you know how much our partnership, our friendship has meant to me too. It's always been Me & Thee, partner, and one day it won't be."
Starsky said, "Sure it will. Hutch, even when one of us goes it'll still be Me & Thee cause that's how we'll always feel in our hearts."
Hutch said, "You know you're right Starsk. That about sums it up for both of us doesn't it."
Starsky reached over and patted Hutch on the shoulder and said, "You feeling better now?"
Hutch looked at this partner and smiled and said, "Yeah, yeah I am."
Starsky said, "Good, now let's get to the office before Sterling puts an APB out on the two of us again."