Title: You say you know, but you don't.
Author: noeru K
Comments: It's just Sirius and Remus's life entangled together in an intense game where each try to be a few steps of each other. They are very perceptive but are rather dumb and this causes them to miss the chance of experiencing true love…but in a way, they already had…
P.S – the characters are just based on my perception for this fiction…but in the long run, they are all J.K Rowling's
Most people agree as a whole that Sirius Black is nothing like an heir of the notorious Black family. He never scorns anyone because of their 'impure' blood nor does he think himself in any way superior than anyone else unless he has good reason to. But most people don't know Sirius Black as you do and you know very well that even though Sirius didn't possess the fanatical issue with blood, he possessed other traits that made his Slytherin heritage undeniable.
He was unpredictable and though his intentions were never ill, he couldn't help deceiving other people on a daily basis. It was mostly so that nobody would be able to uncover truths that would make use of his weaknesses. It was bothersome to him, anyway to have anyone that close in his life, into his life. He is a solitary creature. Nobody would know that because he is the epitome of popularity, everyone loved his loud, carefree exterior; the girls however, particularly adored his face.
In exchange for a hated name, the Blacks had given him an unquestionable yet annoyingly handsome face that he made full use of. When you first saw him, his absurdly long black hair and large silver eyes startled you. You hadn't really been prepared to meet someone with such a blank pair of eyes as his. He had also been pale with a straight nose that was slim like his fidgety hands. You might have mistaken him for a girl if it hadn't been for his masculine jaw line and shoulders.
He had seemed uneasy with your company when you joined him in that compartment, as if he wasn't used to other children. But when others started to file in, you saw him grin and start to talk more until upon arrival, everyone in the train was Sirius Black's friend…with the small exception of some sour kids who unexpectedly seemed to know him well before school. He loved to joke around but you were constantly surprised by the alertness and pensiveness of his eyes.
That was probably why, even amongst a throng of other students, he singled you out and always made that extra effort to talk to you. You and him are alike in many ways, but as always you are slow to figure it out. It is strange, you muse, you become slow when trying to realise anything about Sirius Black. You were a solitary figure and you also deceived people on a daily basis. How a trickster didn't recognise a trickster is peculiar.
You never really cared though, for anyone named Sirius Black. You were busy with trying to cope with yourself and your weaknesses. It was like hell, you remember, almost killing yourself one night then trying to smile and talk about quidditch the next morning. Like most of the times before, you just wanted to give up and cry loudly when you sleep and scream in your nightmares. You wanted to yell in the direction of those curious eyes that you were a werewolf after the period of your disappearances and tell them to cope with it. But you knew that you were weak and that you were scared of the reaction if you were to say it. The fear that would be etched in those faces, appearing after shock but before hatred…you shudder when you imagine it. You knew that you would truly die if the stares aimed at you were to be of disgust and dismissal. You knew that if that were so, then you could not be responsible for what you would do to yourself.
So even though you wanted to cry, you bit your lip and bore with the stinging and bleeding afterwards. Even though in your nightmares, you wanted to scream for help and fear, you silenced yourself just in case that people would hear and ask you why you had nightmares every night. After a while, you decided that what you went through every night was pointless. It was better to stay awake and immerse yourself in the soft sheets and fluffy pillow, being unconsciously reassured that you were at Hogwarts, that you had been accepted into Hogwarts and that you were safe rather than battle those scenes beneath the full moon.
You would always be tired in the day and have bags under your eyes but it was a price that you would gladly pay. After a while, you grew used to the smothering darkness of the night that made the tiniest rustle sound like a tear. But it was also growing tedious to just sit on your bed all hours of the night, so you would just wander around. Firstly, you ventured out to the common room… then out of the Gryffindor tower. You had heard by rumours that the astronomy tower was always unlocked so one time; you had the courage to climb up to a star-viewing platform and see the brilliant night sky. The stars were the brightest pinpricks of light you have ever seen and you are so fascinated and comforted by the scene in front of you that you would happily gaze at it for hours on end.
You had never noticed that someone was also always there. After nights of silent observations, that was when Sirius Black decided to come out of the shadows and let you know he was there. You nearly screamed when he did, but you were good at smothering your screams so you sat there, mute, as Sirius gave a brief explanation why he was there. Something to do with, 'I can't sleep,'. He just sits there with you and you never say anything because you know that would disturb him. Sirius always did frighten you a little because he made it obvious what he hates with his glances and manipulation of atmosphere that you knew it would be rude to deliberately cross the line he draws.
You never remember who leaves first or whether both of you leave at all but in the morning, you always end up in the dormitory so it all worked out. After almost a week of seeing Sirius up there, he decided to show you what made him able to unlock the astronomy tower, it seemed that it was locked in the first place. It was a pocketknife that could apparently undo any basic lock that stood hard against spells. You were unimpressed because you were never really interested in anything that didn't concern you. But you were impressed by how Sirius seemed like a totally different person by night.
In classes, he would fool around, imitate the teacher, receive detentions and impress the girls with a mischievous glint in those grey eyes. When he was on the platform, he was brooding and cold. You sometimes thought that the laughing, happy-go-lucky Sirius was Sirius and that his reticent, stony presence at night was just Sirius when he is angry or Sirius wishing to be alone. You ruled this theory out when you realised that the air around Sirius at night was relaxed with absolute no tension. Sirius seemed so at comfort whilst on the platform that the air itself seemed to be breathing, yet when his friends surrounded him, you could feel the strain in his laugh and emptiness in his jokes with no grain of sincerity.
Then it occurred to you that maybe…Sirius was always like that. Silent, cold, impregnable and…serious. When you thought of Sirius being serious, you give a sudden snort of laughter at such a lame pun. It is enough to make his head turn and for you to duck your head. It is obvious what he would say with his eyes; 'shut up'…but the more you think about it, it is so ridiculous…Sirius being serious…
Then Sirius seemed to tire of his constant friendship circle, you notice him pick out one particular boy that he would hang around. That was James Potter, also a loud, carefree boy with glasses and a sunny smile. They went everywhere together, did everything together and shared everything with each other. They had similar hobbies, similar ideals and similar impulses. In a way, they were best friends. You remember you were jealous of them, more than one time in your second year because you yourself had no one. No one was mean to you, nobody hated you or feared you or excluded you but nobody was close to you. That might have been partly your fault because you could not be bothered to keep up that constant smile and pointless chatter about hobbies and teachers and homework because you simply didn't have the energy to do so.
You had no hobbies… teachers were there to guide you and homework you simply had to get done. Why did they have to talk about it all the time? Although, you figured, the reason why nobody was close to you would probably be due to the unhealthy air around you…the air of someone ill and weary. That must have been why you started to enjoy the night when Sirius was there next to you. He wouldn't talk needlessly but his presence was enough for you to appreciate it. Then…he stopped coming. You weren't disappointed…you had learnt from a young age to never take things for granted or to expect anything.
Every night that Sirius had come had been pleasant but you could do without him. It had been just you to begin with anyway…and it would always be so. In your third year, in the unapproachable tie of James and Sirius, James introduced a mousy little boy called Peter. He had watery eyes and no talent, which didn't make him stand out for anything, yet he followed James around a lot and idol worshipped him, which earned him James's favour. Peter's enthusiasm for everything the two-some did earned him a permanent position with the two and now you saw Sirius, James and Peter together everywhere.
You were still alone, but now you were content. You would read books by yourself when students were allowed outside and eat a biscuit or two in the process. Books were your favourite companions; they never judge nor need to be entertained. In the books, there were your friends…warriors, heroes, tragic figures…almost like yourself. You had more in common with those people printed in the book than anyone around you, so you indulged yourself in their company. Not until, that was, the boy called Sirius Black walked over and sat himself down beside you.
You had been so used to his silent presence before that with your attention on the print, you unconsciously ignored him until he snatched the book from your hands. "What are you reading?" he asked curiously, reading the cover at the same time. You had been lying on your belly beneath the beech tree so you just turn your head towards his direction. "Something," you reply shortly even though you well know he had already read the title of the book.
He gives it back to you dismissively but now that he had your attention, it was hard to try and get yourself immersed in the book again. "What?" you snap at him. He shrugs and fidgets with the collar of his school robes. In the daytime, you realise, Sirius can't sit still…he had to be doing something…if it was swinging on his chair or rumpling pieces of parchment…you ask yourself whether the motionless Sirius at the astronomy tower had just been Sirius in a trance? You stop yourself thinking in that direction because you know that you had already tried to resolve the true Sirius before.
Being silent and always in the background have made you very observant, you notice. You shrug, all you ever do seem to be thinking…well, it took less effort than talking anyways.
"All you ever do is read," Sirius complains.
"Is that a problem?" you quip.
"It's unhealthy," his tone sounds genuinely concerned. You try to determine whether it is mockery or authentic.
That was when you suddenly remember a piece of homework you haven't started on. You swear softly because you realise it's due next. You jump up from your position and walk back to the castle; momentarily forgetting Sirius is there. You are good at ignoring things, having been always only concerned about yourself.
Yes…you had been selfish…and so had he.
In the same year, you go to Hogsmeade for the first time. You wander by yourself, like you always do and step into Zonko's joke shop. You realise in a glance that most things on sale are pointless junk…but in the far corner, there is a powder that whichever it touches, turns into a violent shade of pink after a time period of half an hour. You also see that it warns wands to be kept clear of the powder for the energy transfer onto the powder would make it explosive.
You are curious whether this is true and you purchase the little bottle.
You never meant to try it out, but it was something you had bought and it was probably junk anyway. Whilst you walk into the Great Hall for breakfast, you past the Slytherin table and tap some powder onto the head of a boy who is already seated. You slip past unnoticed and eat your bacon and eggs quickly. You predict twenty-five minutes have passed and you exit the Great Hall with your wand tucked in your sleeve. As you pass the same boy, you gently tap his head with your hidden wand.
As you took one step out of the way, there is a loud BANG behind you and you hear the sudden, shocked yelps of students. You turn around with an indifferent face to see the boy's sudden shockingly pink hair had blown upwards into one big ball of frizzy curls. His scalp also seemed slightly burnt from the reaction and he was suffering from a heavy nosebleed. The person in question had been Augustus Rookwood, a slimy, empty-headed character and the Gryffindors erupted into laughter.
You were pushed aside as his friends propped him up and took him to the hospital wing. You felt no remorse as the never-ending flow of blood dripped down his robes nor as his skin looked red and painful. You just peer at the bottle of powder and think, 'it's not fake after all'.
Sirius comes to find you later on and goes straight to the point. "I know you did that," he says flatly. You shrug it off and say it was just for a laugh and surprisingly Sirius agrees with you that that was funny. But you were painfully acute at reading people's eyes and you saw Sirius was slightly frightened by your indifference in causing a harmful prank. You smile eerily at his minute fear and hear him out when he asks you to sit with him. That was when you joined Sirius's 'friends' and became a Marauder.
It was in your fourth year when you were finally confronted by Sirius. You had seen Sirius again on the astronomy tower and seen him be alone whilst banging his fist at a stonewall. You keep silent as he isolates himself every single time he receives a letter from home. You shush James and gives Peter looks to leave him alone. Sirius's mood swings are dramatic. You applaud James from coping it the longest. That was why when he asked you why you were always away to see your mother or grandmother or non-existent auntie, you told him to mind his own business and that you never asked him about his letters so he should stop asking you about your disappearances.
James gives you the look that said 'we figured everything out' but you never tell them because they may be wrong…they could not possibly know you are a werewolf…otherwise they would have already avoided you and ignored you and tried to not be with you. One time, you did run into James and Sirius with James flapping his hands in front of Sirius as Sirius banged his fists on the castle walls like he usually did when he's angry. You heard the last bit of their conversation with James saying, "he'll tell us when he feels comfortable…"
You freeze in front of them and they turn to look at you. You turn the other way and walk away as James panics and tries to talk to you. That's when you lose your last shred of patience and punches James in the stomach. You have a wiry body and the punch knocks the wind out of James and his pathetic consolation as he tries his hardest to remain standing up. They are your first friends, but with you being the werewolf and with that barrier, you realise their friendship in reality, cruelly didn't mean much to you. James's glasses are knocked askew as you lay a punch to his face. You know it's wrong to take your anger out on him but you can't help it.
All the pent up negative energy explodes as you try to make a pulp out of James. You hate the vulnerability in his emerald green eyes. That was when you felt your face sting and your vision swim in front of you. Sirius stands there, his fist outstretched and you recollect that he had hit you. You let yourself kneel on the ground, letting your face resume its eerie grin as you look up at him. Sirius's silver eyes are a thunderstorm. He grasps you by the collar and drags you up to your feet. You offer no cooperation and results into your shirt tearing down the front.
There is stillness as two pairs of eyes roam about the jagged, deep scars on your chest. Sirius abruptly lets go of your torn shirt and takes a step back. You see the fear in their eyes that you have dreaded and for the first time in your life, you start to cry. You don't make a noise, you are good at smothering your screams…but you let the flow of salty water pool at your eyes and slide down your cheeks. It was over…your secret was over, the secret that you had tried so hard to keep was over. They were afraid of you and tomorrow, everyone would know that amongst them was a werewolf.
All excuses were pointless. How could you excuse the scars? I was ravaged by a wild animal? I fell over? You give a cynical laugh. James and Sirius were smart, even if they didn't pay any attention in class. They would figure it out…no, they had figured it out. You would be sent packing tomorrow, with the owls carrying hateful mail towards you with parents objecting to your presence at Hogwarts. You imagine what your weary mother would say and the expression of dejectedness on your father's. You could imagine how Dumbledore would ask you how you have betrayed his trust in keeping the secret when he had arranged so much for you to get an education.
It might even be written in the Daily Prophet, you realise. Then Professor Dumbledore would be further mocked.
You feel so sour and bitter towards yourself that you shout at Sirius, "Go on. Hit me. Punch me. None of it hurts." You gesture towards your scars, "Do you think it hurts at all…compared to this?"
Sirius is lost for words. James is all bloody thanks to you and he tries to stand up. Your focus shifts back to Sirius, whose eyes are now alight with anger. It's better than fear, you reassure yourself.
Sirius truly punches you on the side of your face. You get flattened on the floor, yet you drag yourself up to a sitting position.
"I can't believe…you still won't tell us," Sirius says through gritted teeth.
You smile, "You already know…so what's the point?"
"No…we don't know, not unless you want to tell us."
Was Sirius playing dumb?
"We won't know unless you tell us," Sirius said seriously (…), "You can trust us Remus…we want you to tell us. None of it counts by us knowing by ourselves. Try trusting us."
You look at James. His eyes are so open and sincere.
You laugh horridly in their faces, "Trust you? So…you may know what I am…but do you know what it means? Do you know what it means…?" You persist.
"Do you know what it MEANS…," you pause to catch your breath, "to be a werewolf?"
There…you said it. It was now, officially…over. James looks at the ground whilst Sirius's gaze, surprisingly softens. You stand up and snatch your torn shirt from the ground and wipe the blood from your jaw. Your head throbs.
Sirius suddenly draws a hand up to your face. He touches your tear-tracks, then smile. You are shocked; you had expected him to recoil with the open fact that you were a werewolf.
"You even cry?" he snorts, "and here I thought, Remus was the only guy who wouldn't shed a single tear."
You are slightly embarrassed but you realise the atmosphere had turned back to normal. Then, with that…you come face to face with the realisation that they don't care.
You are stunned as Sirius helps James up and they resume the usual conversation. They don't flinch as they look at you or have hatred anywhere on their faces. Instead, their gazes are warmer and affectionate. James helps you up and stares at the shirt in your hands, "Haha…you better buy him a new one Siri,"
The realisation is too hard for you to bear, "Wait!"
They turn around to face you.
"You…don't care?" you ask hollowly.
Sirius frowns, "Those scars must've hurt…can't you just knock yourself out when the time comes? You'll kill yourself."
James pats Sirius on the back, "I bet Professor Dumbledore's doing the best he can do. Just leave it to him."
Sirius shrugs, "Come on, I'm starved."
James shoots him a dirty look, "You're always starved."
"Arggh…look at us, we better go to the hospital wing first." James amends.
"Coming Rem?"
"Ahh…yeah…" You are in a daze. You are too shocked for words. You remember Professor Dumbledore telling you that if you become close friends with someone, they wouldn't care about what you were but you remember you had shrugged it off, disbelievingly. Now…you can't really believe it…they didn't care…
For the next few days, you had tried to avoid them because even though you wanted to trust them, trust wasn't in your nature. They were polite, and you appreciated the time they gave you to get used to their knowing looks and smiles. Later, as time passed, it became a thing of good humour. With the marauders around, you could sometimes make yourself believe for a rare moment that being a lycanthrope was a special thing.
Then, in the Christmas holidays, when most other students went home, instead of Sirius and you staying at Hogwarts, James and Peter owled their parents explaining their desire to remain as well. You were surprised at first but soon Sirius, James and Peter were asking you to help them become animagi. They wanted to turn into animals and thus accompany you in your times of transformation. You never know how they had figured out that you were less reactive towards animals than humans. You had been shocked and disbelieving which resulted you in explaining to them that even the most able wizards had not been able to become animagi without things backfiring.
Besides, you did not want them to do this just for you. You did not understand why they would do this for you. Even thinking about it had made you think that you were betraying Dumbledore's trust twice, so of course you refused. They weren't deterred however, you saw them stay up all hours of the night, searching and searching and even discovered the secret of the whomping willow. Those bastards had been smart, not particularly Peter but James and Sirius could be such smartasses.
Even if you were around them when they were researching ways to become animagi, they would just smile and ask you questions concerning their research as if they had forgotten your rejection in helping them. You would sit with them for hours until you would get so impatient with some of the sections they were searching in, you'd prompt them in the right direction. If that were to happen, Sirius would smile in your direction in a knowing way and smirk, "Thanks,"
Then you would mentally kick yourself and just silently watch. After a few months, they did it. You were still trying to get used to the picture of Sirius's body shrinking, his long black hair seemingly wrapping his body to become short, shaggy black fur with his face elongating into a snout and a tail sprouting from his tailbone. Then there was a large stag staring at you with doleful emerald green eyes and Peter who was…quarter a rat? He had succeeded with whiskers growing from his face but otherwise remained quite human. Sirius and James transformed back to give Peter more advice.
After this sight, you had walked away and went to your favourite place. It was the stargazing platform and you were just in time to see the sunset. The large red sun was disappearing on the horizon, dying the sky with a mixture of dark orange, gold and purple. You know you should have said something to them like 'thanks' or any other gesture of appreciation but you were reminded that you hadn't asked them to do it and you didn't appreciate it now anyways…or did you? You stare fixedly at the sun and decide that you're in denial because just by looking at their success in transforming, you felt an odd flurry of emotion of excitement and gladness…you had felt something warm spread beneath your chest, making everything a few shades brighter.
Even though you should be persuading them out of it and scolding them, you were so ridiculously happy about the notion of not being alone to fight the nightmare and that somebody out there, really cared about you. Even though you weren't meant to be, and knowing full well that this would make you betray Dumbledore, your mother and father, you wanted to thank them for trying so hard and succeeding. Yes, you were still selfish. You let yourself smile, James and Sirius had been especially talented in Transfiguration…how this had come to benefit you, really startles you.
Then, the name of the Marauders grew to become much more meaningful to you because of the secret now everybody shared and being animals made everything a possibility. When the full moon came, you were surprised to see how ready they were and how James had made the calculations of Peter freezing the knot so that Sirius and James could follow. You never said 'thank you' but you let them see you smile and after Madam Pomfrey would smuggle you into the whomping willow, you were that little less afraid.
As you felt your body grow lean and shaggy, as you felt your eyes sharpen and your hands contract to sharp claws. As your jaw opened to roar at the pain of stretching skin and altering bones, even as your true self dimmed and everything became hazy, there was something in you that was now making you bear with everything and the pain - it was hope. It was a first experience when your sharp nose uncovered the smell of a dog, a stag and a rat. You had instinctively, rushed forwards with your claws extended and teeth bared…but when you approached those peculiar animals, you felt that they were different…they weren't like other animals and they weren't there to harm you.
You never knew how you understood them and how they understood you, but there was a unique transaction between you and those animals that made you know, even though you wanted to tear and bash and feel the metallic tang of blood in your mouth that you did not want to kill them. So, like usual, you smashed around the wood and ground your teeth and sunk your claws in the already worn furniture. You howled at the pain as your flesh ripped and tore at violent actions you took. Firstly the animals tried to stop you from releasing your pent-up desire for violence but when they realised it was impossible for you to rest without quenching your desire, they let you do what you wanted to do for a certain period of time.
In this time, you tasted your own blood and felt the rush of hotness in your head subside. You became less impulsive and less animalistic. Somewhere inside you, Remus stirred once more. When you had calmed down, you let the animals and yourself wander around the constricted shack. You would smell out things and discover nooks and crannies. When things grew familiar, the animals lead you out of the shack and into the Forbidden Forest. You can never forget the tang of the fresh soil and breeze that you felt first in your life being outside. You let your sense of smell roam wild as you dash around everywhere. And here, you could feast on beings that let you indulge yourself in the metallic sweetness of blood.
Most of what you could see was black and a few wild shapes but every hair on your body could detect movement and show you how to react. Your paws and legs would spring automatically and your teeth and claws were always essential in everything you did. You howled more outside too, but even in your dimmest consciousness, you remember that it sounded different to the howl that you had heard in the shack. Different to the one of desperation and pain.
When you had transformed into your slightly body of a boy of fourteen, you managed to make your way halfway back to the castle, leaning on the warm and soft body of a dog and with a stag that pulled you along. Madam Pomfrey wouldn't be far to smuggle you back quickly inside the hospital wing and tend to your wounds. Physical flesh wounds could be healed without a trace but the damage a werewolf does was not so simple…you were left treated but still in possession of those ugly scars. When you were lying in hospital, three boys always came to see you. They all looked tired and worn-out with twigs and soil on their robes, but they would grin at you knowingly and sit beside you and comment on your fresh scars.
Sirius was always the least one to talk but you knew he had the most to say with those silver eyes of his, so you just chew on a chocolate frog and tell them calmly that you never had an auntie. Then, you laugh as the three erupt into indignation of your lies that had been constant for the past three years.
You sense the change in yourself. It was inevitable in the long run but you never thought people like your friends had actually existed. You started to enjoy the company of others and the unhealthy air around you disappeared, soon, everyone was just as happy to joke with you and pat you on the back as James and Sirius. In your late fourth year, you received a first confession from a quiet girl from Hufflepuff named Cypress. She was cute and quiet, so you decided to go out with her.
The next day, she was sent to the hospital face with her eyes permanently crossed. You never know the culprit but Cypress never seemed to want to talk to you afterwards. It was after that, that you had to get used to love confessions every week. You had never been in such limelight before, but now that you were, you grew evermore grateful and relieved. You also recall how you had only been concerned for yourself, but you realise you can't live the rest of your life like that with James and Sirius never doing their homework and never bringing the right set of potions ingredients nor enough parchment and ink.
You give them notes, essay tips, potion ingredients…organise their schedules and the number of detentions that you could pass with without earning a suspension. You knew you were growing selfless, because now you never worried about yourself. Never cared that you were a werewolf, all your concerns now were of those in which James and Sirius would pull harmful pranks on teachers and steal quidditch equipment without the captain's permission. You had been constantly alert and conscious but now you were mild and content, and in the series of events, you had your first kiss in an empty classroom with a shy girl you had only talked to twice. She doesn't say more than 'hi' to you afterwards but it had been chaste and pure and you just consider it as experience and just one more little thing in life.
In your fifth year, Sirius's mood swings grew more violent and those letters he received from home got more perpetual. You had caught a glimpse of those letters and it had mentioned 'prefect' somewhere in there. You had been the one made prefect and Sirius had joked in good spirit that he had better watch himself around you but you knew those letters were causing him a lot of trouble. You wished with all your heart that you weren't the one causing such trouble.
Sirius had never cared for personal space after the success in becoming an animagus because things like that made personal space meaningless but now he was constantly invading in your space and privacy. You didn't suffer from insomnia anymore so you had to get used to Sirius slipping into your bed in the darkest hours of the night and his breathing into your ear heavily. One particularly night, he woke you at three in the morning.
"Moony." He said, for that was now your new nickname. You groan because nowadays, once you sleep, you sleep like a log.
"Moony," he tries again and pokes you in the ribs. You just simply roll over. One of Sirius's doggy characteristics becomes stimulated by irritation and he bites you on the arm. Hard.
You use your energy unconsciously to shake his sunken teeth off your arm and in the process, you wake.
"Sweet Salazer Sirius, what's the time?" you moan as you lay your arm across your eyes in a motion of fatigue.
"Moony, come with me."
"Where?"
"Up there…"
"Up there?"
"Yes…I want to see the stars,"
"Go by yourself, Sirius." You say dismissively.
"No fair, how come you can sleep and I can't?"
You take your arm off from your eyes and look at him, "How should I know that?"
Sirius's eyes truly even glowed in the dark. Sleep had vanished and you sigh in defeat. "Okay," you finally submit after minutes of staring.
"It's just like old times, Moony."
You shrug, "But still try to get some sleep Sirius, you can't keep sleeping through Charms. It's your worst subject."
"You're my mom Moony."
You grow annoyed, "Shut up,"
"I wish I had a mom."
You prop yourself up on your pillow, "You do have one."
"I don't," he said matter-of-factly.
You want to ask whether something happened to his mother but you don't. You just follow him quietly up to the astronomy tower and sit there with him. He keeps staring at the stars.
"It's dimmer tonight,"
"What is?" you ask quietly.
"The stars,"
"Oh…you still come up here?"
"Yeah…" Sirius leans on your heavily, "Nearly all the Blacks are named after constellations…you know," he snorts, "heavenly bodies."
"I wouldn't call your body heavenly Sirius." You say randomly.
"All the girls would disagree with you otherwise, my dear Moony."
There is delicate silence as Sirius lies down and just falls into your lap, "I'm planning on getting a kneazle as a pet."
You shudder inwardly at his sudden preposition.
He looks up at you slyly, "Why? Don't you like kneazles Moony?"
"I'm allergic to them," you quip but you know he already knows because his silver eyes glint evermore so brightly.
"I know," he confirms,
You are slightly indignant, "How did you know?"
"I saw you grow itchy rashes when Hannah's pet kneazle suddenly shot out from under the couch you were sitting on and take prescription later in the dormitory."
"My dad's a mediwizard," you state, "he gives them to me and the newest pills that would stop myself from lusting for blood when I'm a werewolf…but it never works. He says, they're currently working on a potion called…Wolfsbane?" you snort, "It's obvious it's going to fail."
"I know," he says softly.
"Hmmm?"
"I know everything about you Moony,"
"Yeah?"
"I also know that your mom and dad were expecting a girl when they had you, so they bought everything from your bib to your toys, all pink. Healers are often right when it came to gender but you were just those special few they predicted wrong. So you just had to wear pink underwear and play with miniature fairies before you grew out of them right?"
Your face heats up a great deal, "Now how – did - you know that?"
"The little photo album, you keep in your trunk. There were a rare few of your baby photos hidden there as well."
You try to punch him but he ducks and grins up at you devilishly, "You won't want them posted all over Hogwarts now…do you?"
"And now you're blackmailing me?" you sneer.
"Well, you do reveal a lot of your weaknesses Moony."
"And you don't?"
"I try to keep them covered."
So, it was a routine from then on. It wasn't decided, nor was it compulsory, but Sirius would always without fail, wake you up at three in the morning to drag you up the astronomy tower with him. It became so repetitive that at three, you automatically woke up to see Sirius just about to poke you in the ribs.
Sirius also grew a bad habit of dropping girls every three days. To you, it was painful to watch a girl cry and run away as Sirius would say coldly, "I don't think we were meant to be together,". And there were plenty of girls, prepared to drag themselves over shards of glass to be with Sirius. In one period, Sirius became addicted to fire whisky and you suspect that he was playing 'friendly' with the barmaid Rosmerta to go about drinking underage.
His speech would become slurred and his eyes unfocused. At nights like these, which were becoming increasingly frequent, Sirius would be able to fall asleep and you weren't required to go to the astronomy tower at three. Although, now, you automatically wake up in the morning and just spend your time, peering at Sirius's strained face next to yours. You have also gotten used to sharing the same bed and you wonder why you have never asked Sirius what was wrong with his one.
Sirius, unsurprisingly, then has hideous hangovers and in the morning, he would moan piteously at breakfast. You felt like telling him that he deserved it and that he should take that as a lesson to stop drinking, but you pour him a glass of iced pumpkin juice and pop him some pills. Your father's a mediwizard and with your strange condition, he had packed you a lot of medication to live with and some might help him. Sirius swigs it down and smirks at you when you look at him with pity. "Damn, we have Potions next…"
Before he can say the rest of that sentence, you cut him off, "I did it, based on your rough draft."
Sirius smirks at you, "Oh really? My essay? Thanks Moony."
He then laughs and goes back to his fried tomatoes and toast whilst you mentally kick yourself.
Sirius was a sore winner. In quidditch, he rarely beat James but because of his Nimbus 1999, he had those times of glory when he pummelled him. He'd then holler about it and gloat and take laps of honour around the pitch.
"Moony, guess what?" he'd ask.
"You beat James in quidditch," you answer in a monotone.
"Jeez, you don't sound that happy for me," Sirius asks mockingly.
"It happens Sirius," you snap. You are tired from fixing errors in James's love poem to Lily Evans. Screw it, it was so awful, you just wrote an entirely new one by yourself.
"Moony," Sirius would play with your shoulder as he breathes heavily in your ear.
You would push him off and sigh, "Sirius, Rosmerta told me to tell you that she can't keep giving you fire whisky because a ministry official had become involved with the Three Broomsticks and she said something to do with underage drinking."
Sirius rakes a hand through your hair from behind and pull you close towards him, "I don't need that stuff." He drawls in your ear…then he disappears.
That was the usual business with Sirius when he was just with you, but then you realise the lack of firewhisky meant the return of Sirius's insomnia. And true to your theory, he bit you at three in the morning. You really did need to ask him what was wrong with his bed.
Later in the year, you had a lot of girlfriends. You weren't frequent with them, but you have to admit that the longest you went out with was for two weeks. It wasn't just you that was the contributing factor to this though; every one of those girls would end up blown up or knocked out or they would disappear and reappear after a week if they became your girlfriend. You knew that was because they had been the victims of pranks and with this, you also knew that it was either James or Sirius because they were the only ones who would have the gut to play such harmful pranks.
With those two in mind, you are certain that it is Sirius. James, currently only had his focus fixed on Evans and was temporarily resigned from pranks. You keep silent though because you don't have evidence and also because partly you don't really care. Strangely, you have never really cared for those girls, it just seemed rude to turn them down when they had gathered so much courage to confess to you.
There was one time though, when you really cared for a girl named Marie. She was a muggle-born but was a smart, pretty thing. She knew how to make you feel happy and say things you appreciated. When you heard that she had ended up in the hospital wing with snakebites all over her face, you immediately ran towards the wing. Sirius met you halfway and grabbed you by the wrist when you were running. You get yanked back and the impact of it makes your wrist crack. You bite your lip in pain but say nothing as Sirius looks at you.
"Where are you going?"
"Hospital wing."
"Are you sick?" Sirius's silver eyes narrow.
"No," But thanks to you, I think I broke my wrist, you think quietly.
"Oh…visiting someone?" Sirius's mouth twitches into a smile. You know he knows whom you are going to meet.
"Yes," you pass him without further ado.
Marie is lying in bed when you see her. She has purplish marks all over her face.
"What happened?" you ask, and you are genuinely concerned.
Marie starts to cry, she had been so frightened, "My hair turned into snakes…big black ones…" she furiously wipes at her tears.
"And they bit you." You finish for her.
"Do I look awful?" she asks you quietly.
You were never one to sugar-coat words, "Yes."
Marie sighs and looks fixedly at her hands, "Remus…I…"
"Yes?"
"I…think it would be best if we…"
"…Okay," you cut her off because right now you are angry. You don't blame Marie but you could feel the blood rush to your head.
Marie sinks back into her pillows, "You're a nice guy Remus but…"
"I know,"
Marie looks away, "I'm sorry."
"No, it's okay." You stand up to leave. You ask Madam Pomfrey to heal your wrist. She does it in a few seconds because compared to your scars, it's nothing.
You rush back to Gryffindor tower and as expected, Sirius is in the common room. He's wearing rimless glasses and was reading a book. You approach him and stand in front of him.
Sirius takes his eyes away from the book and stares up at you, "What's up Moony?"
His rosehip mouth forms a pout. You try to say something but nothing comes out. Sirius takes your silence into account and grins at your deviously. "Met Marie did you?"
You feel the anger you had felt a moment before turn cold. You feel as if you've been flooded with ice water…you are suddenly tired.
You sigh and turn around to leave. Sirius grabs your hand and stands up, "You know…I've never seen you cry…since then…"
"When?" you snap.
"When you told us you were a werewolf."
You look at the floor. Sirius turns you around and his hands start playing with your sleeve. He doesn't bat an eyelid and you become lost in those silver depths, "Poor thing, Marie…" Sirius says tauntingly.
You push him away and go up to your dormitory, breathing hard. You hated Sirius but you understood him…it made you so confused that you take out the most boring book on Muggle Studies and read it quietly on your bed. You are a being that loves every fibre of everything resolved and evaluated until it all turns mushy, but at times like these, you wished you were less honest and accurate. Hmmm, you muse, you had just realised that you were also contradictory…interesting…but back to the book.
To your great relief, Sirius seemed to be now capable of sleep. He didn't lie down with his eyes open and count until three in the morning where he could wake you but alternatively rocked gently in slumber. But Sirius is Sirius and your joy is short-lived when you see he had obtained something else to bother you. It was his nightmares, the same ones that tormented him every night. You would be blissfully unconscious until it became three in the morning. Like an alarm clock, your eyes would automatically open at that time and your mind would clear sharply. It had become a habit and you usually can't get back to sleep.
Absent-mindedly, you would peer at Sirius next to you and note, a little surprised that his face is deathly white and that beads of perspiration make his black hair stick to his face. He seems to shudder in his sleep and his lips move half-heartedly as if to say something. As you continue to stare, you become slightly afraid and try to wake him up to ask him what's wrong. But with a sudden gasp Sirius sits bolt upright, his hand outstretched and his silver eyes unfocused and fearful. He grasps you down the front of your nightrobes and leans his head on your shoulder for comfort.
You are relieved that he had finished fighting with his nightmare and gently pat him on the back. Sirius pants slightly as he croaks, "I was falling…through black curtains…"
You never really ask what he means but Sirius desperately clings to you and his eyes are so vulnerable and tearful, "through an empty archway Remus…I slipped in the world of the dead…and they told me…" he draws a shuddering breath, places his head on your chest and curls his hands in your shirt even tighter. That is the first time where he had called you Remus ever since that day you revealed your true nature. It had always been Moony or Rem ever since then. You feel the wetness down your front and presume that Sirius is crying and because you understand the terror he had faced, you just let him be.
"I…saw death…and I heard it too. I thought that was the end of me." He chokes. You just gently rub his shoulder and carefully raise his face from your shirt. He has the look of an ensnared animal and that entrance you so. You wipe away his tear tracks and smooth the plastered strands of wet hair off his face. "You're okay Sirius…you're here…and alive," you try to explain. Sirius heaves a withered sigh and flops back down. He had always executed everything to suit himself and even in this confused state, even unconsciously, he was the same.
Sirius falls back asleep almost instantly but you can't. You just take out the Muggle Studies book and switch on the small bedside lamp. You read and unconsciously you know that the light from the lamp would prevent more shadows elapsing into Sirius's sleep. That is when you realise that the print is slightly blurry besides you in the dim light and know that your eyesight is not that good. You need glasses.
You never talk to Sirius about anything that happens at night and Sirius always seem like he had forgotten so instead you tell him that you need glasses. It was just a passing comment but Sirius pushed towards you his pair of glasses. "Don't you need them?" you had asked incredulously. Sirius shakes his head, "I just wore them. I didn't need them."
Then you were really curious, "Why?"
To which Sirius answered, "I prefer not to see things so clearly."
You are used to Sirius spouting out nonsense so you just take the glasses thankfully. You knew it would have taken quite a while to obtain your own pair and the dosage was almost right. You saw everything clearly and liked the lightness of the glasses.
Before you knew it, winter had arrived. Sirius dealt with his cabin fever by burning those letters from home and placing explosive dung-bombs in the girls' dormitories. One particular girl had disrupted Divination when she had kept shooting paper aeroplanes that had questions that asked Sirius why he was avoiding her, why he never talks to her nowadays…and others of the like. She had been Marilyn and had been his current girlfriend at the time. She had been a very demure girl, you think absent-mindedly but after Sirius left his mark around her neck, she was never quite the same.
The Divination professor had erupted and given both Marilyn and Sirius detentions. She had even ranted at Sirius what gave him so much merit to call for such behaviour from a girl. In revenge, Sirius left the girls' dormitory smelling like a toilet. Such was Sirius and his pranks.
In the Christmas holidays, James and Peter had to go home. It was a shame that the Marauders could not use the time to have adventures but life went as such. It was also inevitable that now Sirius was with you everywhere, calling you 'Moonykins' and 'Remmie' or even 'RJ'. You could have shot him if you had a muggle weapon with you.
Then one day, you caught Sirius smoking a cigarette outside in the snow. You were surprised because Sirius hated the cold. He would always stay indoors and never let you outside either. The fact that the cigarette was a muggle product was also of surprise. How did a pureblood wizard such as Sirius purchase such a product?
You approached him and asked him, "Why'd you buy it?"
"To piss my mom off." Sirius promptly replies, and then snorts, "No…I don't have a mother."
You remember the howler that Sirius's 'mother' had sent him after you all had your O.W.Ls testing. Apparently his mother had been asking him how he think he had went and when Sirius didn't reply, she had released all her disappointment and frustration in his attitude in that one howler and let the whole school know. That was the first time when Remus had any idea of what Sirius's mother was like.
"You still have a while until the result come," you say out of the blue.
Sirius suddenly swipes at your glasses and weighs it in his hand. He slightly bends the titanium frame and bends it back to the original shape except; it's slightly…off. Just like Marilyn…you think distantly.
"It's all crooked," you complain.
"My bad," and he continues to smoke.
You had wanted to tell him how harmful those cigarettes were and how they contained at least 4000 chemicals but Sirius doesn't get addicted to the stuff and just quits.
It had been the time when you had just come back from the library. The teachers had piled up a lot of holiday homework and you were trying to get it done as soon as possible. Sirius stops you in the middle of the corridor. His hair is dishevelled and he is shivering from the cold. You guess wildly that he must have been out in the grounds.
He glares at you with icy eyes and suddenly pulls the tip of his fingers across your lips.
"Have you ever been kissed, Moony?" he asks in a low growl.
"Not as much as you," you avoid saying a definite 'yes'.
Sirius's face is indifferent, "Well then…let's see,"
It was so sudden and unexpected when he slammed his open mouth against yours, his tongue forcing your mouth open and intruding into corners you didn't even know that existed. It was so empowering and smothering that your resistance was swept aside in one fluid movement. You felt all the blood rush to your head and make you dizzy. You have kissed, but not like this…not so ruthlessly…and definitely NOT by Sirius.
You choke violently on your own spit and push him away. Sirius isn't at all slightly out of breath. He leaves you feeling confused and panting in the corridor after he smirks and says, "Liar."
You glare at his disappearing back and you know that's all you can do at the moment.
You avoided Sirius after that. Sirius was Sirius and was unpredictable but you needed time to try and get rid of that disgusting sensation in your mouth.
That was why you were so glad when the Christmas Holidays were over and James and Peter were back. With the rest of the Marauders, Sirius was one of the best friends you knew so well. The one that joked and laughed and was carefree.
You can't quite say about your sixth year with Sirius. His O.W.Ls had totally wrecked his relationship with his mother beyond repair. Sirius had failed Charms, unsurprisingly but otherwise had received six Outstandings and one Exceeds Expectation. Sirius's mother, as she usually did, only focused on his failure and locked him up in a cupboard. It was the last straw for Sirius, who ran away to James's place. It was the best decision he had made in his life, he declared.
In the Easter holidays, Sirius bought himself a kneazle. You avoid it as much as possible, but it is hard to avoid Sirius and where Sirius was, the stupid thing followed. Soon, you felt the itches work up and just as you were about to dash to the dormitory, Sirius gives you the pills and a glass of water. He smirks before sweeping up his pet kneazle called Lunar. He had tried to call it Remus, then Moony and just settled on Lunar when you threatened to cut off his hair.
In spring, you pick a bunch of flowers and tape them to his desk.
"What are these for?" he asks, although he already knows.
"I've always liked the idea of spring weddings." You jest.
Sirius stares at the white blossoms heaped on his desks and moans.
You automatically place in front of him your pills and some water.
"You should stop being so inconsistent." You warn him.
"At least you're not allergic." He swallows the pills and takes a swig of water. When he looks at you though, his eyes look strangely happy.
Sirius, always had the last say. In your dormitory, you went to pick up your book on Muggle Studies. From one of the pages, a silver sickle slipped out of the pages and brushed on your skin. You bite down hard on your lip at the pain as your flesh sizzled and burnt at the place of contact with the silver. You crinkle your nose at the smell and try to quickly make your way to the hospital wing.
However, when you look closely, silver items are everywhere! There are silver sickles sprawled on the floor and obscuring your things were also flashes of silver objects, which you would have had to get rid of, to go about in the dormitory. You flee the place and come face-to-face with Sirius outside Gryffindor tower.
Sirius sees you clutching your hand and smiles the smile that doesn't reach his eyes. "Aww…did you accidentally have a sickle in your purse?" he asks lightly.
Now you know that Sirius knew that you never had Silver sickles with you, just the Galleons and knuts.
You try to hide it but then he pulls up your hand cautiously to his eyes to evaluate the damage. "It's only small." He tries to placate.
You try to get past him but he uses that force to gently brush his lips onto your own, and chuckles as you ignore him and stalk away from him.
"Did you change your shampoo Moony?" Sirius asked one night as he burrowed his head in your pillow. You just shrug.
"The other one smelt better," Sirius comments. "Use the other one."
And you find yourself going back to the other fragrance absent-mindedly and you chide yourself gently but none of it makes a difference because you do end up using the old shampoo.
"Padfoot? What's wrong with your bed?" there it was. The question that you had been dancing around for two years almost.
"It's lumpy and uncomfortable." He says, "and the worst bed to sleep in if you're me."
Sirius really was unexpected.
At the end of your sixth year, Sirius's nightmares stopped and he returned to his bed. After a long while of a warm presence next to you at night, it was cold and weird when he left.
You got used to it though, like everything else and there were other things that occupied your mind now and that was with the oncoming N.E.W.Ts.
In the seventh year, Sirius never became anyone more than the loud and popular figure he was at daytime. For a brief while, you were pleasantly surprised, but you missed the Sirius that you had been with for such a long time.
You lingered next to him longer, in the hopes of seeing that Sirius again, but you were always disappointed.
You were out playing quidditch with James and Sirius. It was a first time where you found yourself playing as a three-some because since Evans agreed to go out with James, it was hard to even get a glimpse of his face nowadays. Well, that was when Sirius just noticed that your grip on the broom was wrong. He made you land and moved up your hands in the position that was the desirable and correct grip.
He then saw the scar on your hand, the patch of burnt skin where you had touched the silver sickle last year. Sirius's eyes harden and he takes off into the air with his own broom abruptly without another word.
You are a pretty good flier, even James and Sirius admits. You have good reflexes, you are flexible and you know how to move with the broomstick but because you can't afford a good broom, you only have a Comet 230 and get around like average speed.
You give up quidditch and return to the dormitories to study.
Just before your graduation, you don't know what made you feel compelled to go visit that meaningless place, but you go up to the stargazing platform anyway.
You believe that you are hallucinating when you think you see Sirius there. But when you stare longer and stretch out your hand to touch his face in the moonlight, you see that it is Sirius.
You sigh in relief and sit there on the platform, gazing up at the stars…just like old times.
"If you weren't so unreachable, I wouldn't have given up." The statement just bursts from Sirius's lips.
You never ask what he means…just like old times.
"You're like a moon, Remus." Sirius says softly, "Just like that moon."
"I hate the moon," you say truthfully but you like this whole idea of speaking metaphorically, so you play along, "Sirius…you're a star. The brightest, dog star."
"Because of the moon, the stars seem dull." Sirius comments.
You sit there, pulling your knees up to your chin thoughtfully.
"The moon is so hard to give up," Sirius continues, "but in a sense, I'm not giving up anyways."
You never ask, because you never had when Sirius talked.
"I'm sorry that you had to put up with me, Remus." Sirius suddenly confesses.
Wait, Sirius… confesses? You look away...Sirius had changed.
"But although you didn't quite understand me, you were there for me. You were a great mate. A really good friend and a special marauder…thanks,"
Sirius had changed…thanks??
"Really, when I was little, I was kind of scared of dark places and was claustrophobic I guess. My mom used that to her full advantage and when I was older, I hated her for it. Then I hated everything they did…the Blacks I mean. They weren't family…I didn't have one except something remotely to it here at Hogwarts. But, being a Black meant I was one of them and I knew that I was kind of like them, then I hated myself for it…and, it was really confusing I mean. I'm sounding like such a hypocrite aren't I?" Sirius sighed.
"And then, there was this time when she'd send me to the Malfoys in the summer holidays because Lucius wanted me to be there…"
"The Lucius Malfoy who was two years ahead of us right?"
"Yeah, that bitch."
"And he - "
"I know." You cut him off.
Sirius scoffs, "You know that I played Malfoy's whore a couple of times?"
"Yes…as you so adequately put." There's a definite edge to your voice.
"And I told my mom, I'd do anything if she didn't send me there but…" Sirius trailed off…
You don't know why but you edge closer to Sirius. "I know…" you say softly.
"When did you know?" Sirius sounds strained.
"Fifth year."
"That was when…"
"Yeah, Lucius got attacked by a Hippogriff."
"Did you…?"
"I'm a marauder aren't I?" you say lightly.
There is silence. "I was so scared of him…thanks Remus."
Now… admitting that he was wrong?? You hate how Sirius had changed.
"I'd wished that you had told me though, Sirius. Why couldn't you trust me?" you are evermore curious. "Do you know how much you made me worry when you kept smashing the stonewall continuously with your bare fist?"
"Sorry."
You sigh.
"I guess it was like you telling us you were a werewolf."
"Yeah, but I told you guys. I trusted you…you are a hypocrite."
There is delicate silence as you and him stare at the studded sky. Suddenly, in the darkness, Sirius leans in to kiss you so expertly.
You are only slightly surprised and you kiss him back but as your hands start grasping his shirt, he pulls away.
"Anyway," he says, not even the slightest hitch in his breath, "I wanted to thank you Remus…for being my friend."
He smiles and you see the stars reflected in the depths of his eyes.
You feel slightly betrayed and deserted. Even though you may have been naïve and ignorant, you had still come to believe that the past years, there had been something more than just the name 'Marauders'. You had believed that there might have been a boundary broader than those of friends. It had been an intense mind game, what to say…what to do. You feel tired and sapped of energy, you don't know what you had that now you have lost…or was something even meant to be missing?
If friends are what you want…friends are fine Sirius, you think. As long as you never betray the Marauders and never die by falling through an empty archway…I'd be happy and forgive you…
Like I had always had…
Love it? Hate it?
Please let me know…thanks!
Notes:
As you can tell, I have tried hard to write this fic and if you steal…well, I won't be too happy.
I've gotten some ideas from the following fics:
Inscribing Epistles
Teacher's Pet
Perspicacity
:. All credits to them
P.S – I know this is the longest, I KNOW it is the longest one-shot ever.
P.P.S - sorry for any grammatical and punctuation errors!!!