Snape in Wonderland.
Summary: Snape's world is thrown upside down when an adamant Drink Me Bottle shows up and he is ddragged against his will by a White Rabbit on an adventure. Now he must aid his students, co-workers, Order members and Death-eaters in an epic battle fueled by opium and sheer weirdness.
Disclaimer: This was a brainchild cooked up between two dysfunctional hyper young adults and fed crack and LSD after viewing the opium dream called Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland and inspired by caterpillar Snape. We do not own Harry Potter or Alice in Wonderland. KTNX.
Chapter one: DRINK ME GODDAMMIT
It was a bright and glorious spring day in Hogwarts castle. Well it was to everyone except Professor Severus Snape who hated anything bright and beautiful. He had taken refuge to the cold, damp dungeons to reminisce in that ginger hair, those green eyes, that white smile, limber body that the bright and beautiful things reminded him of…
A timid knock on the door suddenly jerked him from his fantasies of his grandmother's cat. Grumbling in his Snape-ish way, he grudgingly got up and stormed towards the door with his cape billowing dramatically behind him coupled with the swishing sound of his unwashed hair before flinging it open to find It. It being the innocent looking glass vial with a slip of parchment attached that said in delicate writing: Drink Me.
Snape stared at the bottle. Then he looked around. Then back at the bottle. Then he listened closely for the snickering of the blasted Weasley twins or the Potter trio. He promptly picked up the bottle and walked to the nearest bathroom and poured it out. He returned to his office and began thinking back to his grandma's cat. Yes, it had been a Persian. Oh how he loved that kitty until his grandfather had accidentally turned it into a dormouse and the other cat ate it. The shaggy black one with the brown eyes.
He was roused from his thought a second time by another timid knock on the door. He once more rose, his cape billowed and nasty hair swished to the door to find another bottle labeled Drink Me. He repeated the process. This time, he allowed his mind to plunge into new potion ideas.
A more rapid knocking issued, a tad more urgent. He rose, billowed, swished to the door. Now the bottle said "Drink Me. Please?"
He snorted before throwing it down the hall. As soon as the door was closed, a knock came a bit more urgently, but yet still as timid. He flung it open to find the bottle again, this time stating "That wasn't very nice. Drink Me please?"
He stared at the bottle. Such a persistent little annoyance. He stepped over it and proceeded up to Flitwick's office. Surely the midget could counter the damn charm on it. To his annoyance, the tiny wizard wasn't in his office. He decided to check the classroom instead but it appeared that Flitwick had taken his fourth year charms class outside. He turned in frustration to find a bottle with a bigger slip on it.
"You wouldn't be that pissed off if you had just drank me already."
Snape twitched. It was following him. The bottle was actually following him. He whipped out his wand and snapped it towards the bottle and the bottle shattered into dust, the liquid spilling onto the desk.
Satisfied, he continued on his way to teach his next class. As he arrived, the class of fifth year Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs had already gathered outside the door.
"Professor. This was outside your door." One of the Ravenclaws held up another vial. Snape snatched it away and unrolled the parchment attached.
"DRINK ME ALREADY YOU ASSHOLE. I've been polite about it, but you NEED to drink me! Do you know how hard it is to be me? Most people have felt guilty by now! But not you! This is my job! To be drunken by dimwits! But you are too stubborn so we can do this the hard way or the easy way. Now DRINK ME!"
Snape blinked. He believed he had just been called an asshole, scolded and threatened by a glass vial in one go. He thrust it into the hands of a Hufflepuff.
"Dispose of this." He snapped.
Just as the fifth years had settled into brewing their potions, it happened. A loud ominous BANG resounded throughout the room. Everyone's head flicked to the door as the beakers and tubes clinked.
BANG.
Snape looked up from scratching a T on Potter's paper before rising, billowing and swishing to the door. He flung it open and looked around.
"Ahem." Snape looked down to see a white rabbit in a waistcoat. He blinked. The Rabbit blinked back. "You're late."
"Pardon?" Snape said silkily.
"You're late to drink this." The rabbit held up a vial whose parchment now said "HAHAHA I WIN BITCH. DRINK ME."
"You must be mistaken." Snape snarled. The students had now gathered behind him and were staring. The Rabbit sighed.
"You leave me no choice. I'm terribly sorry about this, but the story cannot begin until you drink this." The rabbit leaned forward, bit the potions master and when Snape opened his mouth in surprise, the Rabbit quickly jumped up and chucked the contents of the vial into Snape's open mouth. Snape fell unconscious and the Rabbit dragged him off into a hole in the dungeon wall. The students looked at each other, not entirely sure what to do since it's not everyday your potions master is dragged off by a rabbit in a waistcoat.
"Um…shouldn't we tell someone?"
"Nah, He'll turn up soon."
With that the entire class left, trying to block out the image of their professor being kidnapped by a rabbit.
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