A/N: Welcome to the zaniness of my third HP fanfic. My other two are quite serious and depressing. Since they can sometimes be a drag to write, "Hssss" came into being to give me relief. So here are The Rules:

1) The author shalt not appear in this fic, unless in the clever disguise of someone else.
2) All characters shalt be in character, except when I don't feel like it. Which will probably be most of the time.
3) The characters shalt not know that they are in a fanfic; furthermore, there shalt not be any sudden stoppings of Time. I'm too modest to pretend to know the characters or have the Powers of a God. Even though I do. Hermione is my best friend and I frequently stop Time as a lark.
4) Plot Hole Monsters shalt not appear, unless they bribe me with lots of money. That means I will try adhere to some sort of plot.

That be it. All I ask of you, dear Reader, smart Reader, is to tell me how horrible my sense of humor is. And since I'm not telepathic and can't pick it out of your brain, you must give me a review. Or else I might multiply and scatter all over the internet and you'll never be rid of me.

Disclaimer: Nothing in this belongs to me. It all belongs to J.K. Rowling, who is neither god nor goddess, but a simple mortal. May we all follow her example.

Hssss - Chapter 1: The Grand Quest

Lord Voldemort sat on top of his crystal-hewn throne thinking. He often didn't think and when he did, it wasn't very hard. But right now smoke was nearly pouring out of his ears with the effort of his thought processes. He shifted in his throne, hoping to alleviate some of the pressure in his head. It didn't help. Finally, he lifted a scaly hand and hit the side of his head. A sudden smile grew over his face as the idea sprang full-formed into his mind.

"Wormtail!" bellowed Voldemort at the top of his lungs. Actually, it wasn't quite the top of his lungs, but a little bit of sound-enhancing magic made it sound that way.

There was the sound of frantic scuttling and then Wormtail burst into the throne room. He looked harried and distraught, his eyes opened to their widest. He cradled his silver right hand as he skidded to a halt into front of the impressive throne that towered over his head. Some Death Eaters wondered to themselves if it was to make up for a lack of other things. Wormtail, who had seen his Glorious Lord unrobed after finishing the Embodiment spell, thought their musings were spot on.

"Yes your sneakiness, your hissingness, your 'To Hell With The Boy Who Lived, I'm The Snake Who Came Back From The Dead'-ness " panted Wormtail, his pasty white face somehow pastier and whiter.

"Ah, Wormtail. I've been thinking." Voldemort missed Wormtail's wince. "Yesss, I've been thinking about the…Sssituation."

"Situation, El Grande Supremo Snako?"

"The sssituation with the Potty boy, of courssse. I've been thinking my ssstrategiesss, trying to determined why a Cursssed Orphan could manage to essscape me twiccce."

"Er, twice?" Wormtail ducked to avoid the Scathing Look Voldemort sent his way. "I thought it was four times, your Forked Tongue-ness."

"Four timesss?" Voldemort leaned forward, his tongue flicking out of his mouth in annoyance. "No one could essscape me four timesss! Not me!"

Wormtail's eyes shifted back and forth. "But he did, Great Scaly One. When he was one, when you tried to gain immortality through the Sorcerer's Stone, when he met your diary self, and when you used his blood to regain your Highly Beautiful and Buff Body."

Voldemort sniffed, dismissing Wormtail with a flick of his hand. "The diary hardly countsss. And one cannot defeat a Great and Powerful Wizzzard when they are only one. But this isss besssidesss the point! I have dissscovered why Harry Potty keepsss essscaping my grasssp." Voldemort at this point leaned back in his throne and smiled.

Wormtail waited.

Voldemort kept smiling.

Wormtail checked his watch. It was a neat watch too, one whose face moved. Currently there was some black-haired boy flying on a broomstick about it.

Voldemort kept smiling.

Finally Wormtail sighed. For a Dark Lord, he certainly had some strange quirks. "And what have you discovered, Great…er…Slimy One."

Voldemort smiled lengthened and curled, becoming quite diabolical. He extended a finger and beckoned Wormtail closer.

Shuddering as he climbed the steps of the throne (how many times has a rat been swallowed by a snake?), Wormtail hesitantly lowered his ear to Voldemort's mouth. This had better be good, Wormtail thought trying not to breathe in snake breath.

"It'sss becaussse I don't have a Theme Sssong."

Wormtail wiped the snake spit from his cheek, straightening in amazement. "Pardon?"

Voldemort glared.

"Er, pardon your Snakeness?"

"Harry Potty hasss essscaped me because I don't have a Theme Sssong."

Wormtail hesitated and then decided, oh what the hell. "Are you sure, absolutely sure that it's lack of a Theme Song, Grand Defeater of Green-Eyed Ones? Are you sure it's not because you're predisposed to dramatic gestures, stupid decisions, and too-long speeches?"

Voldemort frowned. "No, it'sss the Theme Sssong I'm sssure. Wormtail, my trusssted ssservant, I am charging your with a tasssk. I want you to go and kidnap the Great Sssongwriter Sssir Sssassssssafrasss Sssissssssasssinessssss."

"Er, who?"

"Ssssssir Sssassssasssssfrassssss Ssssisssassssinessssssss."

Still perplexed, Wormtail pulled some scrap parchment and quill out of his ragged robes. "Mind writing that down, you Evil Snake you? I think…um…my hearing is going."

A dangerous look in his crimson eyes, Voldemort looked at the parchment and suddenly the name was printed there.

Wormtail studied it. "Ooo, Sir Sassafras Sissassiness!"

"Isss there an echo? That isss what I sssaid, of courssse!"

But Wormtail continued on gushing. "I know of him! He's one of the creative minds behind the Weird Sisters! Their music is so avant-garde, isn't it? He supposedly writes at least half of it. And he did such great work on that muggle movie! What, something about a stone was it?"

"Wormtail, do you want to lossse that sssilver arm?"

Snapping out of it, Wormtail backed away hurriedly down the crystal steps of the throne. Lord Voldemort may be one apple short of a bushel but he could zing out a spell quicker than any other wizard. "No, your Grand Lord Of Things-That-Go-Bump-In-The-Night. Not at all. I will get this Songwriter for you. I will do it if it's the Absolute Last Thing that I accomplish in my miserable life"

Voldemort smiled airily. "Wormtail, you grovel mossst delightfully. Forgiven, of courssse. Now, get Sssir Sssassssssafrasss Sssissssssasssinessssss for me. You have a day to do so."

Wormtail bowed and started to leave the throne room. Then he paused and looked back to his Lord and Master. "Er…why a Theme Song…um…Sir Snakalot?"

Voldemort looked at Wormtail and raised a non-existent eyebrow. "Why, every Hero neeedsss a Theme Sssong. Without it, they sssurely can't sssucceed. Without the Theme Sssong, how will the Potty boy know that I'm near? Without a ssscintillating melody to sssend chillsss down his ssspine, he won't know to fear me. And I won't be able to triumph over him!"

Wondering if Voldemort would ever realize that he wasn't the Hero by any stretch of the definition, Wormtail finally shrugged it off. If Voldemort fancied himself a Hero, Wormtail wasn't going to dash his aspirations. "I shall be back within a day's time with the Songwriter, Great Snakeroonie." With these words, Wormtail left the throne room intent on his mission.

Voldemort sighed and leaned back into his throne. He hoped that Wormtail was successful. Not just because he craved a Theme Song but also because he'd had to come up with some way to kill Wormtail if he didn't. Trying to come up with new creative ways to kill henchmen was tiring. There were only three Unforgivable Curses, after all.

* * * *

Somewhere, approximately a hundred miles above London, England floated a Castle. It was disguised from all prying eyes below by a huge fluffy cloud on which it rested. Any muggle planes or jets were dissuaded from flying near the Castle by some very clever "You Don't See Me And Don't Want To Come Near Me" charms. Flight control towers wondered why aircraft would suddenly veer around a perfectly empty area of air for no apparent reason.

The Castle was huge, with spiky, spiraling towers that didn't crumble in the highest wind. It had a huge wooden drawbridge, which was pulled up and the walls were made of a type of stone. Embedded in the stone were jagged pieces of glass that threatened to slice anyone who wasn't careful. No one could be seen walking the parapets; no one could be seen on the darn thing at all. It was almost as if its existence was perfectly natural. Nothing could be heard but the delightful whooshing of the wind.

Oh, and it was a shocking lavender color. Some Death Eaters had questioned his choice when Voldemort had charmed the Castle purple. They had suggested that a nice yellow would make it look bigger. They had been the first to be thrown out of one of the Castle's many windows. Nobody said a word about decorating after that.

As the Castle floated silently, its drawbridge began to lower. When it was completely down, Wormtail walked timidly out. The high-speed winds seemed to not bother him in the slightest. Adjusting the parachute pack on his back, Wormtail pulled down the aviator's glasses and walked to the edge of the drawbridge. He peered over it for a second. Finally pulling all of his worthless courage together, Wormtail shut his eyes and jumped.

"Vooooooldie Foreeeeeeever!"

As his cry slowly faded away, the purple drawbridge ponderously raised back to the "closed" position.

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A/N: Another chapter sometime next week...we'll see how Harry is doing!