Look at me writing a complete story for once. Had most of the dialogue for this for a long time frustrated at Michelle's lack of involvement in Carla's story. Then we didn't even get the scenes promised on the 17th May so I thought I'd use this to create them myself. As always reviews are warmly welcome and feed my ego :)
wish I told you before it got too dark
The nervous fluttering in her chest that she had been ignoring the whole drive to the hospital became overwhelming as Michelle reached the correct room and familiar figures came into view.
She breathed deeply suddenly devastated as she finally saw her best friend after so long not knowing if she was dead or alive. With the blinds up she had a moment to observe unnoticed; how small Carla looked in a hospital gown. She had noticed unhealthy weight loss in her friend when they had visited Aidan's grave, how she seemed lost amongst the folds of heavy drapes of fabric and the coldness of her hand. But exposed in the thin gown after weeks out there alone doing god knows what to survive she wasn't sure if was even safe for her to be discharged.
Her friend sat hunched over with limp unkempt hair obscuring her face. A tired looking Peter at her shoulder gazing at her like she was the centre of his world and ignoring the nurse who seemed to be disconnecting Carla's IV.
It was like watching a stranger.
If Peter hadn't been present she would have been able to convince herself she had the wrong room, that this was just a problem caused by the kidney transplant and nothing more. Drugs could fix renal failure but this breakdown felt like something she couldn't comprehend. Johnny had reported back to the family, his face pinched and grave as he talked about psychotic episodes.
It was one thing to hear about what was happening but another thing to witness it. This outcome was not something her pessimistic mind had conjured up while her friend had been missing. Michelle found herself swallowing back nausea at her own apprehension, guiltily thinking of all the ways she could have helped prevented this sorry situation. She should at least have tried harder to support Carla.
It was true she had been disappointed in her friend. She had been focused on keeping Kate going, on her own business and forming some kind of working relationship with her ex partner. There was a bitter irony that she only now saw, that with living in the pub with her uncle had placed herself at the centre of a family that should have been Carla's. While the other woman had been out there alone letting the guilt quietly destroy her.
She had lost count of the amount of times she'd heard her friend be called selfish or a drama queen, even used the words herself at times. And yet Carla had never thought back against her sisters accusations just like she hadn't after the Victoria court fire. Carla had always felt the outsider once Paul had died and Michelle had dismissed her feelings as empty whining. And yet she had been so sufficiently pushed out from the protection of her closest blood relatives. People that she would do anything for, had fixed so many of their problems in the year and half since she had returned to Weatherfield.
Carla had kept them all together after Aidan's death. Perhaps Michelle should have followed up on the one time she had seen that famous facade broken. The way her friend had clung to her as she violently sobbed and took all the guilt in the world upon her shoulders. Maybe the factory collapse wasn't simply what caused this breakdown it was just the thing to push the other woman over the edge. Maybe Michelle could have been a better friend and made Carla confront those feelings instead of pushing it all back down and disappearing into obsessively running the factory.
These days Michelle did not have nightmares about being shot. There were nightmares of how willing Carla had been to take her place. The panic she had felt dragging Carla back from handing herself over to a gun wielding mad man. She would wake up with an innate terror at how willing her friend had been to sacrifice herself as if her life meant nothing. She should have seen that this could have happened back then, she should have been there.
And now there was these reports that the factory roof had been sabotaged. Something that hadn't been mentioned in Carla's confession and now her friend was too mentally and physically fragile to answer any questions. Not that Michelle thought she would have any answers anyway. She understood Kate's scepticism after everything the younger woman had been through, but Michelle had known Carla longer.
She knew her friend would rather die herself than to let her life's work be destroyed once again. She had seen the long hours, the times Carla had pulled the place back from a crisis by sheer force of will and pure pigheaded determination. While she often acted as if she held her staff in contempt Michelle knew she valued each of them and would never forgive herself if her actions took away so many families only source of income.
Even if the situation had been dire enough to take such drastic action Michelle was certain that Carla would have never handed Rana the spare set of keys if she was going to turn the place into a death trap.
The question no one seemed to be asking was that if Carla had not been behind the sabotage then who else could it possibly be? Who could hate her so much to sit back and let her shoulder all the blame? It seemed the whole street thought it was easier to ignore any inconsistency and keep Carla a social pariah.
Yet Michelle had to swallow any righteous indignation. She had no right when she herself had stood by and done nothing. Only searching for her missing friend when she had been so sure it was already too late. She'd told herself that this was just Carla's latest crisis. That she had Peter there to support her and this would simply be another traumatic event that Carla would bounce back from seemingly unscathed like she had time and time again.
She had not done enough and now she felt like a hypocrite. So when Peter had phoned explaining Carla was being discharged she had jumped at the opportunity to support and see her friend. Had felt determined when she had visited Ken's in order to pack a change of clothes.
They hoped that Carla trusted her enough still to let her drive them back to the street. She'd heard about how she reacted to Roy and Johnny and now seeing her friend she didn't see how her own betrayal could be ignored.
Now she wanted to run away before her presence was noticed, because ignorance felt more comfortable. But she had to be brave. She owed Carla that at least.
As she hesitantly opened the door Michelle saw Carla's narrow shoulders jump but the other woman didn't look up. Not sure how to take the unpredictable reaction Michelle stepped inside offering Peter and the nurse a tight smile.
"Hey, I'm sorry I'm later than planned. Amount of time I've spent in this place you'd think I'd know my way around by now."
There was an awkward moment where no one laughed at the thin attempt of humour and Michelle shifted on the spot till Peter took pity on her and ended the uncomfortable silence.
"See love, Michelle's here to help get us home," He spoke softly as he stroked Carla's hair away from her forehead.
"You remember when we talked about it?" He adds when he receives no reaction.
Michelle wasn't sure what she had expected but after she overheard a tearful Johnny explain to Jenny how distressed and manic Carla had been when the ambulance had arrived she could not reconcile the images in her mind with the passive woman in front of her.
She envied Peter a little. The way he seemed so comfortable around Carla even if it should not be surprising considering he had been the one that had been there day in day out through her mental decline. The quiet way she accepted him in her physical space, looking up at him for cues of how to react herself.
It was as if the other woman was moving underwater, like a video that was out of sync. Carla turned her head towards her friend only for her muted gaze fall just short of really looking at her as she mumbled something that could only be conformation.
It all made Michelle want to cry but she tried not to blink as her vision blurred determined not to fall apart now. It was impossible to work out what her friend was thinking or feeling from her physical reactions, this woman she had always believed she knew inside and out. There was a sense of dread at her disappearance that felt a lot like grief and it still lingered. She shifted the bag she carried from one hand to the other.
Peter seemed oblivious to her discomfort with his warm gaze attentively focused upon Carla.
"Hi babe. I've bought you something a little less exposing to wear." She tried to keep her tone light and unaffected but there was a tightness to her voice that sounded unconvincing even to her own ears.
She had picked up a pair of leggings and a mens hoody she had never seen the other woman wear before. Glancing at her bare and bruised arms and legs Michelle found herself wincing knowing how the lose fabric would more than swamp her friend. Excessive alcohol intake aside Carla was known for the way she prided herself on her appearance. In her right mind she would hate anyone seeing her in such a state.
The staff from the factory had not bothered to ask after their boss directly. No doubt finding gossip elsewhere so they had no need for false concern. But Michelle wanted to shield her rather than bring her back to the street. She was too exposed and defenceless against their neighbours judgment.
When Carla was a little healthier and ready to step back into her life Michelle knew they would never see her the same way, never respect her strength in quite the same way. She didn't know herself how she would ever forget or move past this breakdown and she would not give those that would show her friend malice any further ammunition.
She tenses with anger wanting to march up to Alya and demand to know if Carla had now suffered enough. If those sadistic messages from a dead woman's social media account had been worth it. None of it would bring Rana back and after all her anger had deserted her the longer the investigation went on for Kate was just as broken.
Putting her own discomfort aside she started towards the other woman. Wanting nothing more than to hold her, just to feel her warm and solid beneath her hands. She just wanted to offer a small form of comfort for the pair of them. But she stopped suddenly when Carla sharply contorted herself into a smaller target, ready to flee if not for the calming hand Peter had on her shoulder.
Michelle took a careful step back before her friend could become too distressed. She was alert and on edge ready for her friend to panic and for the fragile sense of calm descend into chaos. Only it never came. Carla went right back to passive indifference.
"We're going home?" She asked quietly, voice low and thready from lack of use. Her gaze back on her hands that sat limply against her thighs.
The small frown of consideration is the only acknowledgement she gives that she heard Michelle's confirmation. There is a moment of silence as she seems to work something through in her head before she glances up at Peter innocently.
"Will Aidan be there?" There was such calm conviction in her hope that her brother would be present that Michelle could not help but gasp, biting her lip to stop anymore of her distress escaping. Wondering how an earth anyone could hold themselves together enough to answer the question.
It was easier to watch Peter crouch down to Carla's eye level and gently rub her forearm before squeezing her hand. "No darling, I don't think he will be."
Carla barely reacted as she went back to staring straight ahead. Michelle thought there was disappointment on her pale sunken features but it was hard to be sure through the blurred vision from tear filled eyes. She didn't understand how life could be so cruel to reduce a person to this, this fate that seemed so permanent and worse than death.
It was the redheaded nurse that finally takes pity on Michelle, looking up from her work with a confident experienced smile as if she could not see the tears on the other woman's cheeks.
"Why don't the pair of you go get yourselves a drink? I can finish off here and help Carla get changed. Can't be too careful with those sedatives still in your system." She firmly took the bag from Michelle's hands clearly doing her best to keep her patient calm and unaffected by the heavy emotions in the room.
Peter seemed hesitant watching Carla carefully for a reaction only to be met with something close to catatonia.
It was the excuse Michelle did not know she was waiting for quickly nodding and hurrying from the room with her hand over her mouth just incase she unwillingly let something slip out. She did not wait for Peter to follow her.
She managed to reach the end of the corridor before collapsing against the nearest wall. She bent at the waist steadying herself with an arm against the wall the other to her chest as she tried to take deep breaths against the painful tightness forming there.
She shut her eyes and clamped her jaw tight, nausea threatened to overcome her as she fought not to cry hysterically. Falling apart now would not do anyone any good. Carla was safe and on medication and calm.
This was the best outcome to the recent blows of tragedy, perhaps the only chance for her friend to recover, for Kate to get some closure and Rana to get something akin to justice. Only now it felt like the end of the world, like being shot all over again as the gravity of the situation physically pressed into her.
She was not sure if she had the strength to keep her family together as well as herself. Carla would have been there in a heartbeat keeping them all going she had no doubt. Michelle had never realised how much the other woman was willing to take upon her shoulders.
"Chelle" Peter sounded grave and unsure.
She had not been surprised that he had followed her but could not bring herself to turn and face his disapproval. It felt so very strange that this man had moral superiority over her.
She let out a bitter snort of amusement because he addresses her like they were friends in that softly deep mumble. Like they had not spent years vying for the attention and affection of the same woman. But then he could never resist a woman in pain. Forever trying to be the white knight and Michelle had often wondered if it was to appease his own numerous sins.
"Don't" She ordered sharply as he tried to speak again.
Straightening up she stepped sideways just as Peter made a move towards her to offer comfort. His hand hung useless in the air for a moment before he lowered it to his side, watching as Michelle hugged herself tightly. Hating herself for falling apart when the man who had almost drunk himself to death at her friends absence was being so steady.
"It's going to be all right. We've got her back. We can keep her safe." He reasoned, made lighter by the relief at having the woman he loved back in his arms after a month of not knowing what had happened to her.
When he had destroyed their marriage he had lost her trust completely along with the right to offer support. Since they ended up both back on the street again it had felt like fate.
Even when he almost had a new family with Toyah he had felt that familiar pull towards Carla. But during her kidney transplant or her brothers suicide he was forced to keep his distance when all he craved was to hold her once more. He had not tried to be cruel when he compared his ex wife to his addiction. He had never wanted to let her go and now he had the chance to support her once again he was determined for it not to happen again.
He would not let their connection continue within the same toxic pattern. He would help her recover and things would be better. He had never felt such resolve before. There was a sudden feeling of almost invincibility as soon as he left rehab and set his eyes upon Carla again. A rush at being able to talk and touch her again that left him with the same untouchable feeling drink normally bought. This time he would protect her and he would finally get it right.
"How can this be okay?" Michelle cried "How is Carla ever going to be okay again?"
There was a familiar darkness eroding in. This felt a lot like Ruairi all over again and she was struggling to see how the world could just carry on.
"She has to be. She's got us and Roy and her family."
The firm resolve Peter displayed did nothing but drive Michelle's guilt. She and her family had been so absent. They had done nothing but contribute to Carla's mental decline.
Kate had good reasons to stay away, Johnny had never been the father Carla needed or deserved but Michelle was her best friend. She should have done better, she should have known how much responsibility Carla took upon herself. She should have known how dangerous it was when Carla internalised guilt. She had literally seen this before. Michelle had no excuse for her behaviour.
But she could not comprehend how they could move forward from this. The situation felt impossible. It felt like a mountain too high to climb. This broken woman was physically unrecognisable, helpless, unpredictable, terrified and completely detached from reality.
The way Robert and Roy had described her behaviour. How she had watched Johnny sob into his wife's arms at the reality of how terrified his own daughter was of him. None of it felt like there was a chance for recovery, this felt like an end.
A tiny part of Michelle could not help but wonder if it would have been better, less cruel, if Carla had died in the accident too.
"But how?" She demanded loudly swiping futilely at the tears against her cheeks. Peter's resolve making her irrationally angry. "That person in there is not Carla. I don't understand. I don't understand how she can be so broken."
Peter bristled at her words. Knowing how the Connor's had blamed him for Carla's disappearance. While he may have got things horrifically wrong at times but at least he had been there. At least he had tried. He had been all she had in the end.
"We make it happen. None of us let her down again. She has always been there for you and this time you don't let her down."
She had been so angry that Carla would be willing to gamble with peoples lives and livelihoods. Carla had always been the one to take the risks between them. She even seemed to enjoy the thrill of manipulating clients into the best deal possible. Michelle had spent years watching the passionate way Paul and Carla had constantly challenged each other throughout their marriage.
She may not have understood that side of her friends personality but she thought she'd known her well enough that Carla would have confessed to knowing about the roof right away. The woman she knew would have instantly done anything to fix anything.
Only Carla had hid herself away and seemed to spend her time conspiring with Peter. It was as if she had separated herself from her family to be with a man who had left to sail the world the previous morning.
None of it had made any sense and she had Kate and her own life to worry about. Watching Carla fall back into the same old mistakes and patterns of self destruction had seemed redundant. After the way she had destroyed her marriage to Nick before it had even began and finally left the street Michelle had thought she had managed to moved on with her life. Only it seemed she had been wrong and this time she did not have the time or energy to go chasing after the woman she considered her best friend.
It was partially why she had been shocked at her friends appearance when they had visited Aidan's grave. She had not caught a glimpse of her in weeks, suspicious that Carla had not seem to step foot outside Ken's house like it was some kind of self inflicted prison.
She had looked worse than when she way dying. But then the united front of the family had to be terrifying from the other side. They had to support Kate even if the young woman's bitterness had set her teeth on edge. But she had tried to reach out then even if it may have been too little too late.
"I thought she was dead!" Michelle screamed no longer caring who heard them. She had been so sure Carla was dead and she had buried her head in the sand and held all that pain inside.
The anger left Peter instantly and he visibly deflated at her outburst.
"Me too." He whispered. He had been so sure Carla was gone forever and with her his reason for living. Drinking himself to death was the easiest way of dealing with it until Simon had given him the wake up call he so desperately needed.
"I don't understand how she comes back from this. Through everything she's always been my rock," Michelle swallowed against her growing hysteria. Trying to root herself in the understanding and mirrored pain in Peter's dark eyes.
"She's already survived so much. She got through Tony trying to burn her alive. She survived Frank and losing Liam. Tracey setting her flat on fire and a bloody van falling off a fucking cliff. She pulled herself back from suicide and she's always survived." It was ludicrous to say it all out loud, knowing that wasn't even all the trauma Carla had lived through.
Michelle pointed back towards Carla's room and regained enough control to lower her voice slightly. Horrified at the idea that Carla would overhear her words and know how much her friend doubted her.
"But that woman in there. I don't recognise her. She wouldn't even let me touch her when all I want to do is hold her and tell her everything will be okay. It's like she's not there anymore and I don't understand how I didn't see, how I didn't notice her getting so ill."
For a moment Peter remained silent, his eyes sparkling as he swallowed back his own tears. Then he closed the distance between them and pulled her body into his arms, his beard scraped against the fabric of the shoulder of her jacket. It only took seconds for Michelle to relax into him having exhausted herself. All the anger and fear was used up leaving her numb and steady and physically weary even if she still had no answers.
"I understand." He says into her ear and Michelle knew from the way he gripped her back that he truly did.
That Peter shared the same fear and grief and was equally fiercely protective over Carla. For all the time Michelle had spent in conflict with this man her best friend had been the one constant. Their shared love for the same person had driven them apart and pulled them together in equal measure.
"But we owe her not to give up." Michelle concluded pulling away to examine at Peter in a new light. Finally starting to see what was driving his unwavering resolve.
He gave her a tired smile and a nod and suddenly recovery seemed a little more like a possibility. "Why don't you go wash your face? I can sit with her until the consultant shows."
"Yeah" Michelle agreed starting to feel a little more ready to face the day.
Her friends illness was still terrifying but at least none of them would be facing it alone anymore. Carla would recover with enough support. Somehow they all would.