Nobody, Not Even The Rain
"Just like you said, you leave my life, I'm better off dead"
There was the faintest twinge of regret that their latest encounter had turned into yet another vicious argument but it was quickly washed away with waves of excitement and anger. They used words to tear flesh from bone, to taunt and to hide the truth, but at least she could get a reaction out of him no one else could.
Carla felt the warm courage from a few glasses of wine flow through her veins as she took in how pitifully wet and sullen Liam looked. She did not attempt to hide her amusement as he launched into an angry rant with barely any formalities. There had never been a need for such things between the two of them.
"What do you do? You try to mess it up for us at every single turn."
Of course he was partially right, she did not felt too guilty as she delighted in how easy it was to manipulate and interfere with Liam's and Maria's relationship. She would never admit that to him, Liam was his own man and could make his own choices, even if he did make the silliest decisions sometimes.
"Oh no your captain of your own ship Liam!"
The way he carefully refused to acknowledge that she was right increased her anger. She hated the way he ran away from the issue. She hated the way he laid all the blame at her feet. He was the one who did not seem to be able to stay away from her completely.
He carried on ranting as if she had never spoken. "Walking around in your home wrecking boots, every day just right under my nose."
She kicked out her feet from her perch on her table bemused at the power her very expensive footwear seemed to have over him.
"So my footwear is to blame for the breakdown of your marriage is it?"
"No not just your shoes. Your clothes, your make-up, everything about you." Liam spit his words, frustration leaving him with so much to tell her. As an after thought he added. "Your hair."
Carla was a vamp, exotic creature who understood exactly what kind of affect she had on him. How she managed to reduce him to a stumbling child all the while filling him with a burning desire.
"My hair! You do realise how ridiculous you sound?" He was frustrated with her refusal to understand. He was trying to be a grown up, he had a wife and he almost had a child and yet Carla kept on pulling him away from his responsibilities.
Liam narrowed his eyes at her, pointing as he walked towards her accusingly. He was doing the verbal equivalent of sticking his fingers in his ears before she could derail his thought process.
"And that mouth especially. The constant sniping and flirting and hinting. The damage you cause with that bright red smacker." He remarked bitterly wanting her to feel guilty for all his hurt and pain.
Carla only laughed in dismay holding a hand to her temple as if he was causing a headache. She turns back to face him before she replies, eyes a cold nuclear winter.
"My wardrobe is not responsible for your libido and neither is my lippy."
But Liam is not ready to stop now, there was no way she did not know how he found every little detail about her was fascinating. He was nothing but a moth to a flame, a sailor heading towards a sirens beautiful song. He thought about the tears running down Maria's pretty face when she thought he would leave her for Carla. Maria did not deserve to be stuck between whatever it was between himself and his sister in law.
"Standing there like you haven't tried to lead me astray. Or, or put presser on Maria. You tired to ruin my whole wedding day by dragging me away from her!" His life would be uncomplicated if it was not for her. Why could Carla not let him move on?
Carla let a faint smile pull at her full lips before covering it with a hand, a comforting gesture she had been careful to avoid since her teens. She felt a little sick as she threw her hand down with frustration. It was not like she wanted to hurt anyone but no one seemed to mind the pain they caused her.
"Yeah and you know why I did that?" She became very deliberate and intense as she closed the gap between them. "Do you know what I was trying to avoid do you now? This."
And she is right, no matter how much he tries to move on she is under his skin, a constant he is not sure he can live without. Liam can't quite understand how someone he had accepted as a member of his family could continually try and ruin his life.
"I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you, I'd be at home with Maria where I belong." He spoke quietly satisfied to see a flash of hurt on her features. Everything would make so much more sense if it was not for her clouding his brain. He just wanted to have a normal life with his normal wife.
"Well it's a funny place to come then." Carla matched his low tone. She pushed any hurt feelings quickly aside. She was not about to let him of the hook so easy by reacting to his cruel words.
They were at a standstill as Liam looked away, disgust twisting his boyish features as he considered her words. They both refused to take the blame. Liam's skin felt warm under his wet coat but he refused to remove it. He was not planning on staying any longer than it took to get her out of his life and marriage.
"You are the root cause of everything." He remembered trying to ignore the way she made him feel as he watched her walk down the aisle to his brother. He wanted to finally be free.
Carla's laughter was sharp like a hail of bullets. She could not believe just how dense he could be. "You fancy me like crazy. That's the root cause of everything." He could have his happy little boring life if he did not want her. She had her own life and for the first time she had roots that she was not going to leave just because she made poor little Liam feel uncomfortable.
He walked away into her kitchen as if he was trying to get as far away from her as possible. "If you didn't exist I'd be a happily married man." And he would be free to carry on his life without the constant twinge of regret. She was forbidden and he wanted to hurt her for it.
"Oh, so what shall I do then? Just disappear into a puff of smoke?" There is almost humour in her voice as she realises how impossible the situation is. How it is impossible for each of them to detangle their lives and head their separate ways. With no way forward Carla took a risk and tries to move towards honesty. She corners him within his retreat trying to gain eye contact that he did not want to give. "Would you like that? Would that solve anything? Hmm." She has to tilt her head to try and catch his lowered eyes making herself vulnerable to try and tempt him out of his quite rage. "Or would you miss me. Would she really be enough for ya?"
Maybe she will just disappear Carla decides, equally hurt and angry as Liam turns away from her, lips pursed in anger. He is stubborn and there is only so much rejection she can take especially after Paul. She hates the way she can't stop herself wavering.
She turns her back on Liam to pour herself another glass of wine with shaky hands. The dark liquid is comforting and numbing friend she had come to depend on. Felling a little emotionally and physically weak she moved to lean on the dark wood of the table.
There is silence for a long time before he speaks again voice tight and harsh and she wants for this to all end quickly.
"Admit it. You're glad." It was clear what he was accusing her off and she was not going to pretend to be a good little girl and pretend she did not want his marriage to end.
"Of course I'm glad!"
Liam stood tight and angled away from her and arms crossed as if he needed to protect himself. She could see he was mystified by her admission through his face and the way a muscle in his neck twitched.
"Why do you hate her so much?" Typical, he thought this was all about Maria.
"This has got nothing to do with her it's got everything to do with you." The hairdresser was never going to be Carla's friend but she was tolerable in small douses. She was not right for Liam. Maria was too young and too needy. She thought she would hate any woman that married Liam because of feelings that she did not want to admit to herself. It scared her when she realised that all she cared about was Liam. No one was meant to matter that much to her.
"Bet your glad our baby died an' all aren't you?" His words dripped with bitter venom and her heart sunk at the possibility that he actually believed them to be true. How could be misjudge her so much?
She started her reply defiantly, trying to make him see how wrong he was but she quickly faulted as she thought about the poor child that never had a chance to live. "No. Of…course I'm not glad your baby died."
Carla sighed; she is so tired of it all. Everything they tried to do only made things worse. Every word they spoke seemed to linger, rot and decay. She was not about to break a habit of a life time.
"I don't know maybe it was for the best." She wants him to understand that this is not a situation an innocent baby should be born into. She knows better than anyone how much damage a broken home can cause a child. Her muscles tighten as she waits for his reply. She knows him well enough to know her thoughts are futile.
Liam suddenly becomes very still and dangerous "I beg your pardon." His eyes are a darker shade of blue as he glares at her. She has never seen him so angry and controlled. Carla swallows against the guilt.
"All things considered." She breaths, hesitant and a little afraid.
"You think the death of my baby was for the best?" His outrage flows through his words like hot lava, the complete opposite to his cold and still body. She may have said something he can never forgive.
Carla walks towards him as she speaks, calming and honest to his anger.
"I'm only saying what you've been thinking." She knows the baby was unplanned and quite possibly the only reason Liam was a married man. She understood the fear he would have felt at becoming a father and wondered if there was the smallest twinge of relief buried somewhere deep within and how awful that would make him feel.
Liam looked shocked and then for the longest second like he might cry, she knows then that she was right. When he looks back in her direction his anger is renewed.
"You know if I never see you again I might be happy." He snarled at her, words like barbed wire. He waits for it to sink in before he continues. "She's a hundred times the person you are." He wanted to make her feel the loss and pain he felt when he learnt that he would never get hold his son. He had lost so much in such a short time and he could not understand why she seemed to want him to lose his marriage too.
Carla stood as quiet and impassive as possible. She never thought Liam would have anything in common with her vicious mother but he had managed to make her hurt in a way she did not think possible since she left the hard eyed woman behind all those years ago. She kept her eyes level with his, letting him see the pain in her eyes.
She has never allowed herself to be so open in years. She had never trusted Paul enough to show him this side of herself. Her eyes wide with new tears as she nods. Maria was sweet and naïve and everything Carla never could be. The girl had friends and people understood and liked her. She was not jealous of Maria but sometimes when she was alone in the flat she used to share with her husband with a mostly empty bottle of wine she feels impossibly lonely and small.
"Maybe a million." But it does not change anything because Liam is still in her flat telling her that he can't get her out of his head. "Yeah but so what? Because I'm not her am I? And more importantly she's not me."
"Thank god for that." He does not wait for her reply, and for once she does not have one, instead he angrily slams the door as he leaves.
The sudden quiet makes her ache and the realisation that she may have driven him away forever sinks her heart like it is made of lead. She stubbornly refuses to let the tears fall even thought there is no one left to watch her break.
The rain is heavier when Liam exists the block of flats. He barely feels it beat down at his shoulders through his shell shock. He holds a hand to his mouth unconsciously mirroring Carla's earlier gesture.
This visit was supposed to make things easier but now he could not see an easy end. It was like oil on water. The noise of his phone ringing shocks him out of his thoughts. He had honestly forgotten the thing was in his pocket; Carla made the rest of the world drop away like no one else could.
He pulled the phone free from his pocket thumbing slightly. His wife name flashed on the luminous screen and of course she would be the only person who would phone him at such a late hour. He hesitated instead of answering; everything that had happened between them was still an open wound. And maybe everything was complicated even without Carla's interference. He could not bear to go home just yet. They had got together so quickly he sometimes found himself wondering if Maria really understood him at all.
He glanced back at Carla's second name on the list of flat owners and realised that it was strands of guilt that refused to let him walk away. She was a Connor, a member of his family with history he did not want to forget no matter how much simpler it would make his life.
Anger had tainted his words and turned him into something he was not. He hated the tears that had shined in Carla's eyes knowing how much it took to make her that vulnerable. Paul was the last person to do that to her and no matter how much he idolised his brother he did not want to make the same mistakes.
The phone was still ringing the sound vague under the rain pounding against the pavement as he wondered how he managed to find himself in such a messy situation. He could not walk away from Carla after everything they had said. It dawned on him that all he was still just running away. Maybe he could not get Carla out of his head for a reason that he could not ignore for much longer. After so many years of pretending not to have confusing feelings for the woman the façade was starting to shatter. Maybe it was time to stop running away.
Carla waited a long time before she finally let herself cry into the silence of her empty flat. She felt painfully alone and self-indulgent, her first move since watching Liam leave was to reach for the control of the sounds system. The sounds of an old favourite song bought back memories of a more hopeful time, it hit her suddenly that Liam may have just closed the door on any personal relationship between them forever. It was pathetic, how much she realized that she wanted and needed him, once he was gone.
She could not hold back any longer even if she hated herself for the weakness. She pulled her legs up against her chest as she sat on a kitchen chair shaking from the force of the tears. By the time the song repeated the second time she had finished another large glass of wine and by the sixth repeat she felt drained and snotty.
It was the guilt that was the most unexpected emotion. When she had first started to realise she was in love with Liam she thought that maybe it was because he reminded her of his dead brother, her husband. She had come to realise over time that while she had loved and wanted things to work with Paul it had always been Liam she had been in love with. How over the years he had become her best friend and she trusted him more than she trusted anyone else.
She did not really believe in any form of the afterlife but if Paul was looking down on her she hoped he realised that her pursuit of Liam was not a twisted way of getting back at him for betraying her. When Paul had died she thought about leaving the home that they had made together. The reminder of him had almost been impossibly painful for the longest time. She stayed in the end when she realised that the flat was more about herself than her husband. Paul had not there, not really there for a while before his death. The flat also contained so many memories of all the Connor's and she was not going to walk away from the only family she had ever had.
She dragged herself to her bedroom where the music was muffled and changed slowly into a pale pink nightdress and matching gown. She felt too emotionally drained to be able stay vertical long enough for a shower, wanting nothing more than to curl up in her warm bed with a second bottle of wine and listen to the rain till sleep rendered her unconscious.
She brushed her hair back into a quick ponytail before removing her make-up. She tried to avoid her reflection in the mirror as she carried out the nightly rituals. When she did catch her reflection she did not like the woman who stared back.
Feeling more peaceable with her own misery she wondered back through the flat while making sure to remove the last traces of make-up and sniffing back any new tears. The sound of the buzzer was unexpected and for a long moment she just leaned against the counter and tried not to hope.
The plastic of the phone was cool to her ear as she waited to a reply after her mumbled acknowledgment.
"Can you let me back in?" Liam's disembodied voice was quiet but not hesitant. He sounded just as deflated as she felt from their argument.
She kept the phone to her ear and listened to the silence from the other end wishing she could at least hear his breathing because it would be some small method of comfort. She did not want to be alone any longer but was afraid of a repeat performance. There was no way she could handle another fight with her barriers beaten so far down.
She considers hanging up and going to bed forgetting the entire night even though inevitably she buzzes him up. She never was very good at refusing Liam.
Her heart beats a little quicker as she opens the door hiding half behind it as she listened to the approaching footsteps. She ducks her head as Liam walked past her not wanting him to see her so open and sad till she knew how he would react.
Liam watched her from the corner of his eyes as he walked slowly past her seeing the deliberate way she shut the door, an arm wrapped around her middle and the other to her chin, fingers almost covering her mouth, in a gesture he had only seen her make when she was unsure. He had never seen her look so small.
"I'm sorry." He had never been good at big speeches and he hoped that the two words would covey how much he regretted hurting her. Not just for his cruel words earlier but for the way he had treated her since he realised he cared about her more than he should.
"I'm sorry too." Her words were controlled and the most honest he had ever heard her utter. She sobs and starts to cry and his heart breaks a little. "Honestly I really am. I'm sorry for everything you've been through."
She walks towards him and throws her arms around his neck. His arms automatically go tightly around her waist. There are no words that need saying as they melt into one another. His wetness of his hair and coat quickly seep into the thinness of her night clothes but do nothing against the warmth of him. Liam is not surprised by how right everything feels even after so much suffering and complication. He rubs her back and feels her spine beneath his fingers, she is suddenly so tangible and he does not think he could ever let go. Her hand in his hair and her face pressed against his shoulder and they fit in a way that fills him with amazement.
When she pulls back a little he is disappointed but when she laughs all embarrassed and open he is glad to be able to see her face. To feel his own amusement along with a need to protect this amazing woman from anything that could hurt her when she was so susceptible.
"I can't believe you caught me listening to this."
He smiles softly listening to the familiar lyrics.
"Nice touch."
"What a giveaway."
They both lose themselves in the memory of a time then everything seemed simpler.
"My twenty-first." Liam supplied watching Carla nod and smile. The memory felt renewed and precious. "You dragged me up to slow dance. My mates were all wetting themselves making gestures behind your back."
She laughs through her tears and he can't help but to smile fondly at her. He was sure she knew how his friends had often teased him about his brother's stunning and confident girlfriend.
"I remember," She sniffs again and the look in her eyes changes as she pauses. "I remember thinking if it doesn't work out with Paul his brother is all right."
She does not look him in the eye till she finishes speaking and it is like she is daring him be angry at her frankness. He could never do that to her now.
"Well there's a thing." He is amazed by her, her passion and the way she always manages to surprise him. He glances down at her bare feet and knows that he is privileged to see her like this. He could never look away.
He could see her mind working as she hesitated over her next question. Her thumb rubbing absent minded circles on the back of one of his hands. "What did you think of me back then? Honestly." She shoots him a braver look and he thinks about answering with a kiss but knows she needs to hear it out loud. "What did you think the day you met me?"
"Well I once heard that the first time Richard Burton saw Elizabeth Taylor, he said that she was so beautiful he wanted to laugh out loud." He feels her relax against him as she laughs. They had somehow moved even closer together, faces so close it was like some kind of exquisite torture. He could not take his eyes away from her naked face, tears sparkled against the gentle curve of her cheeks and he wants nothing more than to taste them.
"You see, how come nobody says that about me?"
"I just did." There is barely the smallest change in his tone but he means every word. He remembers the way she looked on that night and how he was overcome with just how perfect she was.
Carla let her glance flick between the honestly in his blue eyes to the safe curve of his lips. It is all she needs to know that he will not hurt her.
"Liam, come to bed with me."
He steadily holds her gaze "What do you think I'm here for?
The remaining space between them falls away as they touch foreheads and just breathe for a moment. There is none of the quick heat of their first kiss, this was something more tender and perfect and neither of them dared put a name upon it. It was like coming home. He kissed her smooth hair.
Her lips are on the pulse point along the side of his neck as they hug again and it made him feel breathless. He strokes the back of her head reassuringly.
They stand holding each other for the longest time. Acute emotions drained away leaving them both swaying slightly as they hold each other up. It was Carla who made a move first, pulling away slightly but keeping her arms draped loosely around his waist. He was glad that she did not let go entirely but he still found himself frowning at the partial removal of physical contact, the removal of her warmth.
She glanced up at him smiling coyly, tears still glistening in her eyes yet she seemed to find something amusing with in his expression. Her smile grew.
"Look at the state of us. When did we get so soppy?" They shared a laugh at their uncharacteristic behaviour both a little uncomfortable with how comfortable they felt.
"That's the power you have over me darling." He said with deepen. He had called her plenty of pet names over the years but always in jest. This felt different, new and foreign on his tongue.
For a second he was sure there was fear in her eyes and he was not understand why but it quickly melted into an affectionate smile. Her lips full and eyes sparkling with warmth, he wanted nothing more than to kiss her.
"Leebugs." He remembered all the times she had teased him while she was still with his brother, how uncomfortable it had made him, how he had not understood why for the longest time.
He let it all fall away as her hot lips brushed the corner of his mouth. He tilted his head, rubbing his nose against hers for a second before meeting her lips directly. Every other kiss they had shared had been full of lust and a wrongness that he hated himself for craving. But this kiss felt right, like the most natural thing in the world and he never wanted it to end.
Her lips were soft against his. She made an adorable little gasp as he traced her bottom lip with his tongue asking for admittance to her mouth. Her mouth opens beneath his and he wants to commit every second to his memory. She tastes like expensive wine and something sweet that in entirely her. Her hand moves to rest against his cheek commanding a better angle as her tongue moves against his. Kissing Carla is surprising and easy and much, much better than he could ever expect.
Her teeth graze his lower lip as she pulls away and a growl resonates deep in his chest. He kisses her quickly twice again before she is too far away. Her cheeks are flushed and she breathes just as heavily as his.
She smiled at him again and he thinks that he has never seen her smile so much; this one is powerful and seductive, he feels his blood start to rush south. Wordlessly she slips her hand into his and oh god she really is leading him to her bedroom.
The room is in a half light and he has to chuckle at her unmade bed. It was a little known fact that Carla was more of a slob than he ever was.
Her eyes were half closed and feral as she gazed up at him and he forgets all about the world around them. He kicks the door shut and leans over her, running two fingertips over her lips until she bites down on one of them and her eyes open wider to meet his look with a challenge.
Slowly, he lifts the hand he is still holding and places a kiss in the centre of her palm before his teeth graze upwards until he is nibbling at each of her fingers and turns her hand over to kiss the back of her hand, the knob of her wrist, and each vein on the inside of it.
"I want to make love to you." He whispers as he pulls his hand away from hers and strokes her face, her throat, the exposed portion of her collarbone. Her hand reaches out and grabs at him fiercely, pulling him down so that she could kiss him again, whimpering slightly as she uses her weight to pull them both over and they fall against her bed.
Her head tilts back as he begins sucking and nibbling on her throat, her breathing heavy and encouraging, almost overwhelming when he finds a spot and swirls his tongue in a way that makes her groan. It's such a tiny cry and Liam practically moans in return. Because of the way Carla is breathing – fuck, how bad has he had it for her? – and he runs the meat of this thumb over her windpipe, then up to her earlobe and she whimpers again, flinging her free arm against the mattress and grips it hard.
"God," he breathes reverently, pulling away just long enough to shed his jacket and shirt before he starts pulling at the tie of her gown. She made things difficult by looking up at him hungrily.
"Lee," she moaned, "please." She bites her bottom lip and his hands become even clumsier but somehow he unties the knot and the fabric falls into silky pools around her curves.
He can not keep his hands of her, he traces every inch of her. He knew her better than he knew himself and he was determined to learn her body in the same way. It was the inward curve of her waist that made his throat go dry.
She wriggles under his wondering touch; her hands trace patterns on the bare skin of his back as she pulls him down impatiently so that he is lying on top of her.
Her legs wrap around his hips and he is hard when her groin rubs against his, her hands were kneading the flesh of his arse through his trousers and he can see stars. He does not doubt that she knows exactly what she is doing to him.
The world comes rushing back and her eyes are the first thing he sees glittering with laughter. "Too many clothes?" She purrs cheekily.
"Far, far too many clothes." He agrees taking in a large gulp of air as he sits up between her thighs. Between the two of them they manage to undo his trousers and he wriggles out of them boxers crumpled down one of the legs.
Liam looks down at her and he can not believe he has not fallen into bed with her before. Make-up less and with waves of hair falling out from her ponytail and he has no words to describe how beautiful she looked. He is in awe that she is letting him see her so undone and without defences. He is privileged and wants to repay her by worshiping her perfect body.
He places his hands just above her knees and takes his time in running them up the insides of her thighs underneath her nightdress. Her skin is silkier than the satin of her clothes. He was in danger of losing himself to her.
Carla's breathe hitches when he is close enough to feel the warmth from her centre and he can't believe she was wet for him. She frowns at him when he does not move his hand any closer.
"Tease." She accuses, propping herself up on her elbows. Her nightdress has already ridden up enough that it was no longer dignified and with a few rolls of her hips it is high enough that she is able to pull it free over her head. The air against her naked skin makes her shiver and the way Liam stares at her, slack jaw and speechless, makes her feel safe to be desperate.
"That's my line." He mutters and crawls his way back up her body. Her breasts pressed against his chest are full and round and once again he can't believe how well they fit together. His cock was achingly hard and resting against her hip. He thinks they are in danger of building an inferno between them.
"Liam now." Carla demands. She hopes that he understands that they have had years of foreplay and she will go crazy without feeling him inside her soon. She can feel him grin against her skin before he kisses the tip of her nose.
"Your wish is my command."
She hears the tear of a condom wrapper and then he eases himself inside of her. She digs her nails into his back and wraps her legs around him again as she adjusts to the wonderful filling sensation of him. He starts thrusting softly till she feels comfortable and starts to raise her hips and demand more. Their quick rhythm flows like waves across the sand and Carla can't believe anything could feel so perfect.
She makes a little meowing sound in the back of her throat as a wave of heat rises through her body, every nerve alive and on fire. She wants more and yet at the same time it was all too much. She had never felt so connected to another human being. Liam was panting above her and she trusted him.
Sweat shined against their naked limbs and Carla twists her hips a little and is rewarded when Liam closes his eyes and groans heavily. He speeds up the rhythm greedy, full of want. Carla feels her toes stretch and curl and she knows she's close.
"God Carla, god." He pushes her lose hair away from her eyes and she can see that he is desperate she understands. His words were nonsensical but she thinks she understands what he thinks he might feel.
Their movements become jerky and frantic and then they both see fireworks. She had thought it was nearly impossible for two people to come together, but soon all she could feel were the spasms of pure pleasure coursing through her body and the sea rushing in her ears.
She came back to herself with Liam trembling in a boneless heap on top of her. He was a comforting weight on top of her and for the first time in a long time she does not feel alone.
"I know." She whispers as they shift so they are lying side by side. There are words she is not ready to say, she might never be ready but that does not seem too bad. Carla pulled the covers over their exhausted, sated bodies and feels like it is them against the world.
She traces his face as she watches him fall asleep. He had come home.