Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Diablo or any of its characters or
any celebrities; they are all property of Blizzard or themselves. I am
merely using them in a humor manner, blah, blah, blah, and all that other
useless crap to keep my ass from getting sued.
Hyper Guyver: Welcome readers, I am Hyper Guyver! Today I will be interviewing the star of Diablo II, Diablo from the very pits of Hell.
Hyper Guyver: Welcome Diablo, how are you this fine day?
Diablo: I am fine, thank you.
Hyper Guyver: So… How did this all start?
Diablo: (sipping cup of coffee) Well it all started back with Satan, Ma, and a couple of matches. In several short millennia we had this. (Flames shoot up all around)
Hyper Guyver: Hmm… interesting, how exactly do you fit in this?
Diablo: Well it all started when Satan got Ma knocked up, as he so eloquently put it… "It went down hill from there."
Hyper Guyver: hmmm… Mephisto being the oldest must have been pretty happy to here that.
Diablo: Crap! Ya had to bring him into this, didn't you!
Hyper Guyver: uhh… Something the matter?
Diablo: Ever heard of the Atomic Wegdey?!
Hyper Guyver: Ouch! Doesn't sound pleasant.
Diablo: Yeah and that lasted though high school.
Hyper Guyver: I take it you didn't have a… how you would say it "happy child hood?"
Daiblo: Not when you have the Lord of Hatred and the Lord of Destruction for brothers!
Hyper Guyver: Hmmm… So exactly how was it like growing up?
Diablo: Well… Being the youngest I was always the cutest and got the most attention, in that I was subject to wet wheelies, Atomic wedgies, swirlies, sarean rap around the toilet seat, and the ever popular hand in the warm water while you sleep.
Hyper Guyver: Eeewww.
Diablo: Yep…
Hyper Guyver:… Moving right along. What is it you do down here exactly?
Diablo: Well, usually I start the morning off with a brisk walk, move on to an early morning torture, wrap around lunch with a few human hearts… you know those things are full of protein…
Hyper Guyver: So I've been told…
Diablo: Next I Move on to killing the next moron who's trying to kill me, and then rap the day up in front of the TV. with an episode of Friends.
Hyper Guyver:… (Stares blankly).
Diablo:… uh… did I say Friends… I meant… uhh… the… Ozbournes… yeah, the Ozbournse.
Hyper Guyver: Right…
Hyper Guyver: So… how do things work down here?
Diablo: Oh, that's a good question. Before it was just pitchforks and flames but since Bill Gate sold his soul we've really modernized. In fact most of our Fallen have been downsized to accountants.
Hyper Guyver: Do you still steal souls at all?
Diablo: Oh yes. But we've switched over to a credit plan now.
Hyper Guyver: Credit plan?
Diablo: Well you see, instead of just flat out taking their souls when we give them something, we have an interest plan were we take a small portion of their soul every month. Once we reach half way through, they take a hard hit form the tabloids, and then their career goes completely down the crapper from there. It's a lot more fun this way.
Hyper Guyver: Hmm… interesting…
Diablo: Yep… in fact Martha Stewarts coming along nicely. I'd give it two more years before the tabloids hit her.
Hyper Guyver:…
Diablo: Another one of our advancements was to hire more angels of death to knock off a few more of you people a year.
Hyper Guyver: What?! Why?!
Diablo: Are you kidding me? You people multiply faster than Demon Imps.
Hyper Guyver:… Okay you got a point there. So… uh… is there a down side to your job?
Diablo: Yeah… Everyday there's some @*#&$ing asshole who's trying to slay me to… (Quotation fingers) "Save the world." (End quotation fingers).
(Suddenly door busts open, paladin Bursts in with sword and shield)
Paladin: DIE YOU EVIL ABOMINASHON OF HELL!!!!!
Hyper Guyver: Hey buddy; can you give us five minutes? Jeeze…
Paladin: Oh… uh, sorry…
(Paladin steps out)
Diablo: So where were we?
Hyper Guyver: Uh… ah yes, what are your plans for the future?
Diablo: Well… I think I'll do a little pillaging here, a little soul sucking there, maybe garb a martini at the end of the day…
Hyper Guyver: Hmm... Interesting, so is there anyone special in your life at the moment?
Diablo: Currently I'm not seeing anyone, but I've definitely got my eye on this little Amazon with this HHHHUUUGGGEEE rack.
Hyper Guyver: Niiiiiiice…
Hyper Guyver: Well that's all the time we have for this interview, I'll see you back later when we interview Mephisto.
Diablo: Is it over?
Hyper Guyver: Yeah, pretty much.
Diablo: Ah, good. If you'll excuse me I've got some business to take care of outside.
(Diablo leaves room, after door closes, you hear loud roar and crashing noises. Suddenly there is a loud human scream followed by a splat sound)
Hyper Guyver:… Uh, until next time, good day and Good night.
Hyper Guyver: Welcome readers, I am Hyper Guyver! Today I will be interviewing the star of Diablo II, Diablo from the very pits of Hell.
Hyper Guyver: Welcome Diablo, how are you this fine day?
Diablo: I am fine, thank you.
Hyper Guyver: So… How did this all start?
Diablo: (sipping cup of coffee) Well it all started back with Satan, Ma, and a couple of matches. In several short millennia we had this. (Flames shoot up all around)
Hyper Guyver: Hmm… interesting, how exactly do you fit in this?
Diablo: Well it all started when Satan got Ma knocked up, as he so eloquently put it… "It went down hill from there."
Hyper Guyver: hmmm… Mephisto being the oldest must have been pretty happy to here that.
Diablo: Crap! Ya had to bring him into this, didn't you!
Hyper Guyver: uhh… Something the matter?
Diablo: Ever heard of the Atomic Wegdey?!
Hyper Guyver: Ouch! Doesn't sound pleasant.
Diablo: Yeah and that lasted though high school.
Hyper Guyver: I take it you didn't have a… how you would say it "happy child hood?"
Daiblo: Not when you have the Lord of Hatred and the Lord of Destruction for brothers!
Hyper Guyver: Hmmm… So exactly how was it like growing up?
Diablo: Well… Being the youngest I was always the cutest and got the most attention, in that I was subject to wet wheelies, Atomic wedgies, swirlies, sarean rap around the toilet seat, and the ever popular hand in the warm water while you sleep.
Hyper Guyver: Eeewww.
Diablo: Yep…
Hyper Guyver:… Moving right along. What is it you do down here exactly?
Diablo: Well, usually I start the morning off with a brisk walk, move on to an early morning torture, wrap around lunch with a few human hearts… you know those things are full of protein…
Hyper Guyver: So I've been told…
Diablo: Next I Move on to killing the next moron who's trying to kill me, and then rap the day up in front of the TV. with an episode of Friends.
Hyper Guyver:… (Stares blankly).
Diablo:… uh… did I say Friends… I meant… uhh… the… Ozbournes… yeah, the Ozbournse.
Hyper Guyver: Right…
Hyper Guyver: So… how do things work down here?
Diablo: Oh, that's a good question. Before it was just pitchforks and flames but since Bill Gate sold his soul we've really modernized. In fact most of our Fallen have been downsized to accountants.
Hyper Guyver: Do you still steal souls at all?
Diablo: Oh yes. But we've switched over to a credit plan now.
Hyper Guyver: Credit plan?
Diablo: Well you see, instead of just flat out taking their souls when we give them something, we have an interest plan were we take a small portion of their soul every month. Once we reach half way through, they take a hard hit form the tabloids, and then their career goes completely down the crapper from there. It's a lot more fun this way.
Hyper Guyver: Hmm… interesting…
Diablo: Yep… in fact Martha Stewarts coming along nicely. I'd give it two more years before the tabloids hit her.
Hyper Guyver:…
Diablo: Another one of our advancements was to hire more angels of death to knock off a few more of you people a year.
Hyper Guyver: What?! Why?!
Diablo: Are you kidding me? You people multiply faster than Demon Imps.
Hyper Guyver:… Okay you got a point there. So… uh… is there a down side to your job?
Diablo: Yeah… Everyday there's some @*#&$ing asshole who's trying to slay me to… (Quotation fingers) "Save the world." (End quotation fingers).
(Suddenly door busts open, paladin Bursts in with sword and shield)
Paladin: DIE YOU EVIL ABOMINASHON OF HELL!!!!!
Hyper Guyver: Hey buddy; can you give us five minutes? Jeeze…
Paladin: Oh… uh, sorry…
(Paladin steps out)
Diablo: So where were we?
Hyper Guyver: Uh… ah yes, what are your plans for the future?
Diablo: Well… I think I'll do a little pillaging here, a little soul sucking there, maybe garb a martini at the end of the day…
Hyper Guyver: Hmm... Interesting, so is there anyone special in your life at the moment?
Diablo: Currently I'm not seeing anyone, but I've definitely got my eye on this little Amazon with this HHHHUUUGGGEEE rack.
Hyper Guyver: Niiiiiiice…
Hyper Guyver: Well that's all the time we have for this interview, I'll see you back later when we interview Mephisto.
Diablo: Is it over?
Hyper Guyver: Yeah, pretty much.
Diablo: Ah, good. If you'll excuse me I've got some business to take care of outside.
(Diablo leaves room, after door closes, you hear loud roar and crashing noises. Suddenly there is a loud human scream followed by a splat sound)
Hyper Guyver:… Uh, until next time, good day and Good night.