Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds
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A/N: Right this is the prologue to my new story... not sure if to continue... but it's basically no talking it just running thoughts!
If it is continued it will turn into a normal story...promise!
Anyway enjoy!
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PROLOGUE!
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I wonder if I am the only woman that sits in their chair at work and wonders whether the 'Once upon a time' scenario will actually happen. I wonder if that's a delusional aspect to have of life and all its entireties but since meeting my best friend that seems plausible. As I sit here in my lair, surrounded by my colourful figures and pictures of my family I can't help but think that in this job not always does once upon a time come true.
Maybe once upon a time is for spectators whose jobs are less involved, whose jobs are more placid, not like mine where I sit in my office with my computers and look and dig and hack and snoop into the personal lives of either the deceased or the temporarily or permanently labelled insane. My life doesn't get a happily ever after, not if it doesn't truly start with the once upon a time. Although Derek would spank me for thinking like this, I would certainly disagree with him over and over again, happily ever after's never occur for the computer geek that sits all day talking to her unconventional family via a phone.
It's times like this, that I sit in my office awaiting the arrival of the B.A.U.'s kick arse squad as they arrive back from a finished case and have time to think, to replay my life that I realise I have had too many things happen to allow me the way to a happy ending. Whether Derek likes it or not, my optimism just doesn't flow whole heartedly into my own life, instead it is spread into his life, in Emily's, JJ's, Reid's, Rossi's and Hotch's life. I have acceptance for the bad since joining the B.A.U. but never do I regret it. Sometimes love does come around and knock you down but sometimes it just... well doesn't. I'm on the doesn't end of it.
I've met some men in my life, the only good ones are those 4 men that are part of the B.A.U. otherwise they always seem to disappoint. Let's use an example, KEVIN LYNCH, met him after I was shot by JAMES COLBY BAYLOR or JASON CLARK BATTLE, whatever psychotic personality he wanted on that 'date' will baffle me to the end of my days. Anyway back to Lynch, no reason for first names, well we kind of played cyber chase, I caused it, he followed and just like that I out did him, he told me I was good, I liked his smile, he spoke my language, he had my interests in computers but he didn't amount to anything. We dated, I suppose you have to call it love but it wasn't, I never could fully love him; it was a relationship full of deceit. His scrawny other half was the deceit on his behalf. Best escape ever I feel now. He left Quantico soon after, got married in Las Vegas and now resides in Maine, well let's hope he gets a happily ever after with the wife that he doesn't know is a hooker by night.
One man that has devoted time to me is Derek Morgan, now I could easily waste a day, a week, a month, a year, Christ even a lifetime, day dreaming about him. My best friend has graced my life for over 8 years, he has stood by me, protected me, looked out for me, looked after me, even loved me but his love stems no further than from that of a brother. So I sigh as my prince charming goes off with endlessly girls and be the player he is. I want him to settle down but there's an almighty pang of jealously every time I see a woman wrap herself around his lean muscle body. I never ask myself, maybe his sits there on the plane coming home thinking of me; it's just not going to happen. We have good phone... conversations that is, it's enjoyable but I feel selfish, I want more. Why does everything in life have to come with the tag, we always want what we can't have?
I look over at the clock, it's gone midnight, they should be walking into the building any moment, I think I'll look through the glass and head home, my thoughts are annoying me, always of the same things... the him's in the world!
Why can't life be simple? Maybe it would be if I was just honest with Derek, told him how I felt but reinforced that I don't mind if the feelings aren't reciprocated from his side... it's time to get this off my chest once and for all.
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There should be rules and regulations for absolutely everything, but there's not and that's a major bummer. I'm a ladies' man, no denying that, I love women but there is one woman that never does the chase, she never flirts seriously but she is the one woman I wish would. We have our banter, flirtatious glances, even the nicknames, we hold hands in public, I pull her close but it appears she is never really into me. I'm told otherwise, and sometimes I catch a glare at me and wonder if maybe just maybe she is thinking what I'm thinking. This woman, Penelope Garcia, has been in my life for over 8 years and every day I speak to her, every day I see her I get breathless, her touch leaves a tingle, I can picture things with her that I cannot with other women.
I hate going away on cases, it pulls me from her, from where she is in the world to hug her when she's seen one too many horrors. She has no idea how far this feeling for her goes and while she was with that Lynch I never broached it with her, but he broke her heart and now I feel it's time. I don't care if she doesn't feel the same but at the end of the day if I keep this in it will slowly eat me alive. I sit at my desk and think of her in her office, I sit in the plane and think of her, I know it's not normal to think of her all the time but I do and it feels natural. I think the thing that prompts me more is my mother, always after her grandbabies, always pointing the finger at how I only speak about Penelope so maybe she's right. Mother's usually are.
I mean the feelings hit me full blown when I received a phone call to tell me Penelope had been shot, the fear that rose I thought I might be physically sick, it was then a question of life and death. While she was hurt, in surgery, in pain I was in church praying for the first time since my childhood. How bizarre is that? My best friend is fighting for her life and there I am talking to the man that let me down over and over again. After that I took it day by day, my religion that is. Before all that my baby girl needed me and by her side I would stay. I told her I loved her the first night she was home, she reciprocated the saying and yet I stupidly didn't prove to her what type.
Right now I sit on the plane with the rest of the team bar Penelope, and see the sea of emotions that plague their faces. There's Reid who still doesn't quite know how to fully equipped himself for the horrors endured, he tells himself his okay but I can tell his battling some inner demons. There's Hotch and Rossi, the two bosses who evidently have been there and done it but still cannot fully hide the pain on their faces from the destruction caused. JJ is clearly thinking of her little boy, Henry, one of the loves in her life. Whenever the case ended she calls Will and gets him to put Henry on the phone, from there all the issues would disperse. Emily retreats into a French novel, a way to stop her thoughts getting the better of her. Now there's me, I either put my earphones on and get lost to music, play cards with Reid or get on the laptop to my baby girl.
When we land I know we will go back to the bureau and she'll be there. I'll start paperwork but I get to see her before she finally leaves. We all know she'll have been there completely dedicated since the case began, and seeing us walk in she'll head off home.
I always find the drive from the airstrip to the B.A.U. building a time to reflect. To reflect on what nightmares became a reality to us. I suppose I'm use to the wait that comes with a new Unsub, what I'm not use to is living it as they go on a wider spree of murder and corruption. I'm also never ready for a cop or fellow agent to get shot, if I'm there I feel guilty, like I should've seen the dangers, I should've been prepared. But this is all in hindsight now. Apart from self reflection I also use it as a time to clear my head and make decisions.
The decisions made today are that some truths need to be spilt, all to my baby girl. Time to start a brand new chapter in my life. I hope.
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A/N: So some M/G thoughts! Shall I continue into a lovey dovey story?
Lemme know!
R&R is appreciated....!