Somebody did something with the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. There is a strong possibility that one of them won't make it this season. One of my favorites is Ray, but he does have a record of things happening to him. And he is fun to mess with.
The Dead Zone Pool
"Well I think that's it," Pam nodded as she and Cheryl stood in front of a chalkboard in the bullpen. "Where did you get this chalkboard again? Krieger's lab?"
"Krieger's lab," Cheryl shrugged. "The high school in Beverly Hills. Same difference."
"Why were you at the high…?" Pam did a double take. "Cheryl. We've over this ten times. Jason Priestly and Luke Perry never actually went to Beverly Hills High School. That was just a TV show!"
"I know! I wasn't there for that," Cheryl rolled her eyes. "I'm not an idiot!"
"Then why were you there?"
"I wanted to see if the Count of De La Mancha really was haunting the Teen Zone Castle," Cheryl said honestly. "Well that and to score some drugs from Blaine's locker. Because you know that bitch must have been on something."
"I'm not even going to ask," Pam shook her head.
"What in God's name are you people doing now?" Ray asked as he walked in. "It looks like you're practicing for your new careers as bookies."
"We're laying the odds in our Death Pool," Cheryl said cheerfully. "We call it the Dead Zone Board!"
"The what?" Ray asked.
"Cheryl called her old Gypsy Woman the other night and she thinks one of us might bite the big one in three months," Pam said. "So, we're running a pool on it."
"You're actually running a pool on which one of us is going to die?" Ray gasped.
"Used to be a tontine but that fizzled out," Pam shrugged. "But yeah we're trying to figure out which one of us might croak."
"Might?" Ray did a double take. "That means there's a chance that no one will really die!"
"Yeah but this is us we're talking about," Pam said. "We're being realistic."
"So just so I am clear on this," Ray groaned. "You two vultures are running a betting pool to see who might die in three months? What if no one dies?"
"Odds of that are forty to one," Pam said.
"Too bad Veronica Deane isn't technically considered a major character," Cheryl said.
"Yeah, I'd love to see that bitch get hers," Pam nodded.
"So would I," Ray admitted. "But seriously…You're laying odds on which one of us dies?"
"Yeah see," Cheryl pointed at the board. "Since Archer is already in a coma his odds are ten to one. Ms. Archer's is twenty to one on account she might a nervous breakdown but honestly she's a lot tougher than she looks."
"She's way too arrogant and self-absorbed to commit suicide," Pam agreed. "But you never know about brain aneurysms. Or liver failure."
"Lana and Pam are tied at thirty-five to one," Cheryl said. "Because Lana can always get another baby daddy and Pam is like super strong. Cyril is like two to five because he might have another breakdown. Or Archer comes out of the coma and kills him for trying to hit on Lana."
"A very distinct possibility," Ray admitted.
"Krieger is a three out of five," Pam added. "You know because of his experiments going awry?"
"And the fact that it might not be the original Krieger but a Krieger clone," Cheryl spoke up. "And the original Krieger comes back to kill him and take his rightful place!"
"This argument again?" Ray groaned.
"It would be an auflosung!" Cheryl squealed. "Whatever that means."
"Chokey Pokey over here has odds of 2-5," Pam pointed to Cheryl. "You know between the choke sex and the pills and glue sniffing…"
"Why are my odds one to one?" Ray snapped as he looked at the board.
"Uh because you're the one that almost always get paralyzed or maimed around here," Cheryl scoffed. "Duh!"
"You nearly died twice," Pam agreed. "You know what they say about things happening in threes."
"WHAT?" Ray yelled.
"No offense but when it comes to getting injured," Cheryl shrugged. "You are pretty predictable. And let's be honest. You're kind of a third wheel."
"WHAT?" Ray shouted.
"Well Archer and Lana are the bad ass agents," Cheryl added. "I'm the rich and pretty one. Pam is the strong fat one. Cyril is the smart one with the business skills. Krieger is the one with the science skills. Ms. Archer is the mean one and you're…"
"You're a very snappy dresser," Pam said. "And sassy. But that's a good thing."
"Not a useful thing but a good thing," Cheryl nodded.
"NO! No!" Ray shook his head. "Not again! I'm not useless!"
"He does fly the planes around here," Pam pointed out.
"So do these new things called airline pilots," Cheryl scoffed.
"That's true," Pam admitted. "And you probably have a few on your payroll so…Sorry Ray."
"I don't suppose Milton counts as a major character, does he?" Ray groaned.
"No," Cheryl shook her head.
"God not again…" Ray whimpered. "But you said there are odds it might not happen."
"But it probably will," Cheryl shrugged. "Again this is us we're talking about. Correction. This is you we're talking about."
"It does feel like the universe loves to screw with me for some reason," Ray groaned.
"You did say the gypsy woman said somebody major would probably die," Pam pointed out to Cheryl. "Technically Ray isn't a major player around here."
"You know…?" Ray gave her a look.
"Yeah but she said something like that just before Brett died so…" Cheryl shrugged. "It's a matter of opinion…Or jerking the audience around."
"A character death would keep the audience interested," Pam said.
"MY LIFE IS NOT A TV SHOW!" Ray shouted.
"Well maybe not yours…" Cheryl scoffed.
"Ray think about it," Pam said. "Who else around here has such horrible luck?"
"Except for Brett," Cheryl added. "Who died."
"Oh dear sweet lord I probably am going to die!" Ray moaned.
"Cheer up Ray," Pam said cheerfully. "Even if you do kick the bucket, all Krieger has to do is turn you into a cyborg zombie like he did with Katya. So you're good!"
"AAAAAAAHHHH!" Ray ran away screaming.
"Oh like you had no idea that was going to happen?" Cheryl called out.
"Guys," Lana walked over. "What did I say about using the old gypsy woman's predictions to scare Ray?"
"That it's fun?" Cheryl asked cheerfully.
"Pam…" Lana growled. "Put me down for a hundred on Cheryl getting killed! It would be nice for a change of pace!"