Summary: Harry, tired of being told everything in his life has to do with his mother's love, goes on a mission without permission to finally get his questions answered. One shot, please review.
Author's Note: I was reading the fifth book over the weekend and it really annoyed me that Dumbledore kept saying everything was because of love. And I also really wanted to know a couple of things. So yes. I know it's stupid. But please review, I had fun writing it.
Disclaimer: I don't anything. Not even William Moseley or Jamie Johnston. Though I wish I did. And that was kinky. In a not good way…
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Harry Potter woke up on the morning of December 8th with a mission in mind. He was going to get his questions answered. And they weren't going to be the answer that Dumbledore always gave him: his mother's love. See, his was sick and tired of always hearing that from Dumbledore, everything is because of LOVE. So he got out of bed, got dressed, and was about to go down the stairs when he noticed Dean Thomas. What a perfect place to start!
"Hey, Dean!" Harry called excitedly. "Do you have an afro?"
"Um. No…" Dean answered confusedly.
"Well, I think you should," Harry said matter of factly and continued down the stairs. About halfway down he bumped into Seamus. "Oy, Seamus!" he yelled happily. "Question! Why do you pronounced your name with a sh sound when there's no h, just an s?"
"Well, Harry," Seamus pronounced with a sh told him a Irish accent, "you see, in the Irish way of my forefathers, when my father named me he was so drunk that he slurred his words a bit, and so my name came out Shaymus, instead of Seemus."
"Aha!" Harry yelled, pleased with himself. He bounded off down the stairs, finding Fred and George waiting for him and the bottom of the stairs. "Fred! George!" he yelled excitedly. "You came back to school for my day of getting my questions answered!"
"Yep!" Fred answered.
"So," Harry said. "Which one of you is which? And how I am supposed to know this?"
"Well," George answered. "We all know that I'm Gred and he's Forge." And then he danced off in his weird black dragon skin jacket singing, "Gred and Fo-orge, sitting in a tree…K – I – S – S – I – N – G…"
Harry saw Padma Patil walking around by the fire. He walked over to her. "Padma," he started. "aren't you supposed to be in Ravenclaw?"
"Yes," she answered dreamily. "But in the magical world of moviemaking, I'm an honorary Gryffindor."
"Oh," Harry whispered. "And Padma, because we're in the magical world of moviemaking now, may I ask you another question?"
"Sure," Padma whispered back, coming up close to him.
"In the first task of the Triwizard Tournament in our fourth year, why didn't I just accio the egg?"
Padma pondered this for a second. "Because you're a dumbass?"
Harry nodded sullenly. Then, he noticed Ron and Hermione talking by the portrait hole. "HEY!" he yelled. "Ron! Hermione!" he bounded over to them. "WHY ARE YOU TWO NOT GOING OUT YET?"
"Er, um…" Hermione said distractedly. And then she jumped on Ron, yelling "For all the fangirls out there!" Ron blushed horribly, and then shrugged. "Rapiamus occasionem de die!" he shouted, which basically just meant "Seize the day!" but in the atrocious thing called the subjunctive that is completely and utterly pointless and French is so much of a better language. And then Harry got really bored because it was break and he shouldn't be thinking about Latin even though he didn't know any Latin at all. But he had always wondered why his school crest was about tickling a dragon.
Harry strolled into the Great Hall, almost knocking over his new favorite person, Blaise Zabini, who's not a beanie.
"Blaise, are you a boy or a girl?" Harry asked.
"I'm a boy!" Blaise answered. "I mean, girl," he added quickly as Draco came up to him and started kissing him. Her. "Ah, boy!" Blaise shouted as Pansy came up and started making out with her. Him. "God, I have no idea," he muttered, stalking off.
Harry shook his head at the poor little confused boy. He was okay with bisexuals. Really, he was. And he knew that what he just said made no sense, but if you analyze the word, then it did make sense, because he's two sexual. He has two sexualities.
Harry walked over to the Gryffindor table and sat down next to Ginny, who was making out with Colin Creevey. He tapped her on the shoulder.
"Ginny? Do you fancy yourself to be a bicycle?"
She broke off and looked at him. "Um, no."
"Then why has everyone gotten a ride?" Harry asked innocently.
"Because I'm a tease. And a big fat attention whore. And I think Peter from Degrassi is the hottest thing ever. I would gladly strip for him. And because I'm just that intense." She looked Harry straight in the eye. "I go there." She then went back to making out with Colin. Harry was a bit mad, because he didn't agree with her. He, actually, thought Peter from Narnia was hotter than Peter from Degrassi.
He got up and shook out his hair just like Britney Spears. "It's WAR!" he said, and got up on the magical white unicorn that had magically appeared before him. "FOR NARNIA!" he shouted. "AND FOR ASLAN!"
Ginny got up and faced him. "FOR DEGRASSI COMMUNITY SCHOOL!" she shouted. "AND FOR THAT UGLY SLUT EMMA!"
But I digress, just as Emile Hirsch did in The Emperor's Club, and now I must get back to the tale I was telling.
Harry was a very happy boy. For the first time in his life, he had answers. And he liked it. So he decided to take the matter up with Dumbledore himself. He walked out of the Great Hall and around a few corners until he reached that familiar statue of a troll. "Sex on the Beach," he said to it, even though it wasn't a candy. But it was the password, and the door opened and Harry walked up that winding staircase. He knocked on the door.
"Come in," said Dumbledore, and so Harry did.
"Ah, Harry!" Dumbledore beamed. "What a pleasant surprise! What may I do for you today?"
"Sir," Harry said earnestly, because if you looked up earnest in that huge dictionary (Oxford's, or something), it had a picture of Harry Potter. "I was wondering, why is that whenever I talk to you, the only answer I get is love, but today I asked other people questions, it opened up a whole new world of possibilities! Did you know that Dean doesn't have an afro? Or that Padma Patil is an honorary Gryffindor? Or that I'm a dumbass? Or that Ginny is the town bicycle? Or that Blaise Zabini is bisexual? Or that William Moseley is gorgeous and Jamie Johnston has a perfect stomach?"
Dumbledore sat for a moment. "Harry, m' dear. You ask very deep and introspective questions. And now, it seems, I must give you an answer."
Harry looked at him solemnly, waiting.
Dumbledore sighed. "Harry, I must tell you. You are a character in a book. You live solely to make people very happy."
"Woah," Harry said. "My world has been turned upside down!" The world around him dissolved away and Harry found himself standing on a stage in front of the entire student body of Hogwarts. He grabbed the handy dandy microphone and began to sing. "My grades are down from A's to D's. I'm way behind in history. I lost myself in fantasies of you and me together. I don't know why - i – i, but dreaming's all I do. I won't get by-i - i on mere imagination. Upside down, bouncing off the ceiling, inside out, stranger to this feeling, got no clue what I should do – o, but I'll go crazy if I can't get next to youuuuuu!"