I drove down the highway on the way to Miami and contemplated my life. Ranger had gone on a mission a year ago. Three months ago he was announced 'presumed dead.'
I always thought I would know if Ranger was dead. Wouldn't I be able to feel it? I'd always imagined feeling a shock to my heart the minute he died, and I would know instantly.
That hadn't happened.
Tank told me I needed to stop hoping. He had sent me to Miami to work in the office there. He knew as well as I did that there were too many memories in Trenton. 'A new start.' He had pronounced, his face changed with lines that grief had put there. I didn't care where I was. I had stopped caring a long time ago. Work would help though. Maybe one day I'd be able to sleep more than a couple hours a night.
I knew in my heart that I would never really let him go. I would always wake up expecting to see his face and it would always take almost a full minute before I remembered he was gone. Then the grief would set in, and then…then I would almost welcome the numbness that came next.
A song I recognized came on the radio and I smiled bitterly. Turning it up I reflected on how well it suited us. 'Can you hear me Ranger?…I miss you so much…'
And I don't know
This could break my heart…or save me
Nothings real,
Until you let go completely.
I remembered the first time he had called me babe. I remembered his smell, and how he had always, always been there for me, while still letting me stand on my own two feet. I refused to let go of the memories because I'd be letting go of a piece of us.
If I could just see him one more time…see that almost smile, and that strong body that had covered me…taken me to heaven so many times.
When I first began to think he wasn't coming back, I smothered the thoughts in denial. I worked too hard, ate too little and drank too much.
Tank had come across me drunk one night, after becoming worried when he couldn't reach me. He found me with a half finished bottle of vodka in one hand…and a full bottle of painkillers in the other.
When I was in the dark of my room, drunk and wallowing in misery and my door had opened, Tank standing in shadows, my heart had skipped a beat.
'Ranger?' I had asked weakly.
Tank gazed down at me with pity.
'No Bombshell its me.'
I experienced a pain in my heart so intense it was almost crippling.
His eyes fell to the bottles in my hand and his face became a mask of fury.
Stalking over to me he ripped them out of my hand and walking to the bathroom, flushed the pills down the toilet.
Squatting next to me and looking me in the eye he had asked me frankly:
'Would Ranger want you to do that?'
I burst into tears. 'I wouldn't have really done it…probably.'
Picking me up, he had lay me on my bed and after pulling a blanket around me he had held my hand until I fell asleep. The last thing I remember was me mumbling to Tank 'I just wanted to see him again Tanky.'
He sighed. 'I know bombshell, I know.'
That had been two months ago, and the next day Tank had asked me (told me) to transfer to Miami.
So here I go with all my thoughts
I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears
Weighing on me.
Joe and I had broken things off for good, a few months before Ranger left, after our last public breakup. Joe had told me he was tired of our drama and he was ready to settle down with someone. I had felt guilty for the amount of relief I felt after we split. We were still friends when Ranger was called away, and he had helped drag me out of bed when I first began to realize Ranger might not come back.
We still watched sport together occasionally, and Joe was seeing a nice girl from the burg apparently. He had actually blushed when I had asked if she worked at the button factory. Then he grinned and told me she worked at Macys. I was happy for him, and I hoped he found what he was looking for with her.
Ranger had cornered me a few weeks after the break up.
I remembered the smell of him as he cornered me in the alley by the bonds office.
Nipping lightly at my jaw he had leaned into me and breathed into my ear.
'Whats going on with you and Morelli babe?'
I tried to concentrate on something other than Rangers clever hands.
I searched my foggy brain until I came up with an answer…oh yeah. 'We broke up for good.'
Ranger chuckled. 'For good huh?'
I narrowed my eyes. 'Is that a mocking laugh?'
He almost smiled. 'It's the laugh of a guy that loves you babe.'
From then on, Ranger did more than steal kisses in dark alleys and cars. He took me out on dates. I smiled as I remembered our first date, only now realizing that I was crying.
He had dressed in slacks and a light blue shirt and I had worn a red dress that I knew would stir his blood.
When I opened my front door to him I had to check my chin for drool. His eyes had darkened as he ran them over me. I grinned. 'See something you like?'
'Babe.' He ran a finger over my neckline and made me shiver. 'If we don't leave now we won't leave at all and I have reservations.'
'Okey Dokey.' I had said, and the blush that warmed my cheeks had been worth it to see tenderness in his eyes.
We ate at a cute Cuban restaurant and then slow danced with other couples on the small dance floor. Then we went back to Rangers apartment and he made love to me like it was the very first time.
Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
And I don't know,
I could crash and burn completely
At the end of this road I might catch …
a glimpse of me
When he left I cried. I couldn't help it. He had made it sound like there was a high chance of him not making it back. We were in bed when he told me he was leaving the next day.
I panicked. Leaning over him I poked a finger into his chest. 'Tomorrow? You can't leave tomorrow! I said I'd run with you in the morning! We have dinner with my parents! We need to umm we need to…' I stopped when I saw the rare show of emotion in his eyes. He was gazing at me with both love and tenderness.
'You don't need to make up reasons for me to stay here babe. You're reason enough. I was going to tell you when I get back but I'll tell you now. This is my last mission. My contracts finished after this and I've already told them I'm done.'
I was stunned. 'So you'll never go away again?'
Ranger smiled. 'I'll never go anywhere without you.'
He brushed my lips gently with his. His hand came up and traced my face like he was imprinting me on his memory. Flipping me over he made love to me like he was afraid I would break.
As I lay, sweaty and still trembling in his arms, I cried silent tears. I couldn't understand why I was so afraid. Wiping my tears away with his fingertips, he rocked me like I was a child.
Ranger kissed my forehead. 'Steph…' And I was shocked to see tears in his eyes too. 'I'm coming back to you. And one day, I'm going to drag you up the aisle and make an honest woman of you.'
At the shocked expression on my face he did something that amazed me almost as much. Throwing back his head he roared with laughter.
'Te amo babe…I love you…in every way.'
Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands
I left my tears in
But I know…its never really over.
Coming back to the present I pulled off the highway and drove towards The Rangeman apartment building. Tank had told me that the offices here were almost identical to the ones in Trenton and I would be staying on the seventh floor. I had always taken it for granted that Ranger would be with me if I ever came to Miami.
I barely noticed the scenery around me I was so deep in thought.
When I announced that I was leaving Trenton I sensed a feeling of relief from some of the merry men. I guess I brought back even more memories of Ranger to them. I knew I wasn't nice to be around anymore. I was hollow inside and now looked scrawny and unkempt. I no longer even bothered with a half assed ponytail, opting instead to leave my wild hair hiding my face like a shield from the world.
I pulled into the Rangeman carpark and after showing my ID I was buzzed up by security. It was late and I didn't want to meet people tonight.
I went straight to the seventh floor, and walked straight to the bedroom, refusing to look at the apartment in case it looked too like the one in Trenton. I took a shower, ignoring the Bulgari body wash sitting there. I couldn't handle it tonight.
Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am
Throwing on an old t-shirt I crawled into bed, smelling his familiar scent, and prepared to cry myself to sleep once again.
I felt the tears begin to run down my face and made no effort to stop them. Memories assaulted me and I remembered lying in Rangers arms without a care in the world. My biggest regret was that we had wasted so much time before we truly found each other.
Suddenly I felt a presence. Tensing, I flipped onto my back and stared straight into the face of a ghost.
Oh god now I was hallucinating. I should have taken Tanks advice and gotten grief counselling.
He was leaning against the doorway watching me and as he took a step towards me I lost it. Holding out an arm in the universal stop gesture, I backed up against the headboard of the bed.
'You're not real.'
The corner of his mouth tipped up.
Three months and its still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah…three months
He took another step towards me and I flinched. Pain flickered across his face, followed closely by uncertainty. 'Babe…I'm back.'
I launched myself out of bed and with a snarl I threw myself at him, hitting whatever I could, scratching, biting like a madwoman. 'You're dead goddamn you!'
He stood there and took it, tears rolling down his face.
I broke down and howled, falling to the ground and crying out my grief. Kneeling down, Ranger put his arms round me. Too weak to fight him, I clutched onto him for dear life.
I was gasping now, choking and hiccupping while talking gibberish.
Ranger picked me up and took me into the bathroom. Running the cold water he shoved me in and brutally held me under until I had gotten hold of myself.
Turning off the tap, he took off my wet t-shirt and dried me with a towel before wrapping me in a robe.
Picking me up again he lay me back on the bed and began explaining everything to me. To be honest nothing registered. All I knew was that he wasn't dead.
Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake…up
Stopping him in the middle of his sentence I pulled him down for a long, tender kiss. 'I knew you weren't dead. Everyone looked at me like I was stupid. A part of me died when I thought you weren't coming back…God Ranger…I missed you so much.'
My voice broke and I sobbed into his shirt.
'I'm so sorry babe. I'll never leave you again, I swear it.'
Ranger looked deep into my eyes. 'I thought I'd never see you again Stephanie. I won't ever take a chance like that again. You were the only thing that kept me going.'
Kissing me deeply, he pulled off my robe. 'God babe I need you. Tell me you need me too.'
I let out a sound halfway between a moan and a sob.
'I need you more then I need to breathe.'
I pulled off his shirt and ran my hands over him, assuring myself he was ok. I traced my fingers over a new scar and felt him tremble.
Ranger kissed my neck and I allowed myself to believe, just for a moment that maybe this wasn't a dream.
Trailing kisses down my neck, he tongued my nipple, rolling the other one between his fingers. Moaning, I thrashed my head and fisted my hands in his hair.
Running a large hand over my ribs he stopped and studied me. 'Christ babe you're so thin.'
I rolled my eyes. 'Buy me donuts in the morning. Fuck me right now.'
He chuckled and shucked his pants and then returned to what he had been doing. Sliding a finger inside me he groaned as he felt how wet I was. I bucked against his hand, 'Ranger please!'
Sliding down my body, his tongue found my clit and I trembled as sweat covered my body. Grinding my self against his mouth, I moaned as he pushed my hips into the bed.
I was delirious with wanting him. 'Now, now now, please Ranger please, I need to feel you inside me.'
As he made his way back up my body I grabbed onto the length of him and stroked him firmly. I heard him growl as he thrust against my hand. Losing control, he lifted my hips and thrust hard into me.
I came immediately, writhing and thrashing against him.
Ranger groaned 'Dios babe…'
He waited for me to come back down and then began to take me higher with slow, deep thrusts, I rolled my hips into him, and felt him break. Pounding into me, he bit down hard on my shoulder and the sudden pain combined with what he was doing to me sent me screaming again. As I came I felt him empty himself into me and as he collapsed on top of me, I wrapped my arms around him.
Rolling over, he dragged me onto of him and stroked my hair.
'I love you Stephanie Plum'
I smiled. 'I love you too.'
I didn't sleep at all that night. I was scared that if I closed my eyes for too long I would wake up and realize it had all just been a dream.
Ranger understood, and instead, we talked, about the mission, what had happened while he was away, and tentatively, our future.
'Well our first child's definitely going to be a boy.' I remember Ranger announcing sometime during the night. I rolled my eyes. Of course Batman thought he could control genetics. I looked up at him and smirked. 'You better hope so because I doubt I'll ever be able to handle more than one!'
Ranger grinned. 'Of course you will babe. We can get started whenever you like!'
I knew he was only kidding…sort of.
The next morning we left to fly back to Trenton. I panicked whenever Ranger was away from me for more than half an hour and Ranger understood, staying by my side the whole time. He seemed to need the constant closeness too and was continually holding my hand, or playing with my hair, or stroking my arm.
We had a lot of sorting out to do and I knew the wounds of the last year weren't going to heal overnight. But Ranger had come back to me. And that's all that really mattered.
Oh
Three months and I'm still sober.
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers.