Occupation: Assassin
By Annalas
Tulath leaned back in her chair. She had just gotten back from her vacation in Reality. She smiled as she remembered sledding with her partner and friend, Tianna. She still had a week of vacation left, leaving Tulath to handle any of the incoming slash stories.
It was Tulath and Tianna's job to correct any bad slash in the Lord of the Rings division of the Bad Slash department of the PPC. They had been lucky so far, having to deal with mainly PG-13 and R ratings. Nothing very graphic. Tulath abhorred the thought of what would happen had they were stuck with a NC-17 fic.
The thing that made the two of them special was that neither of them were attracted to Legolas, Aragorn, or anyone else in the Fellowship. They mostly dealt with pre-Fellowship ones, though.
[BEEP!
Tulath jumped up as she realized that a fic was coming in, at least the console said so, anyway.. She printed it out and sat back to read it before entering the fic, a tradition she and Tianna had always upheld.
Tulath read the heading and groaned.
"Why? Why must they always make Thranduil bad? Why?" Then she reached the rating. "NC-17? Someone must really hate me. . . " She trailed off as she continued reading.
"Stupid cliffhanger." Tulath muttered when she was done. Her face had darkened in anger and rage, her grey eyes black as she crumpled the paper. Then, remembering that she needed it, smoothed it back out.
"Basic summary: Legolas is abused by his father, Glorfindel is captured and tortured. Legolas falls in love with Glorfindel and they try to escape together. Legolas is caught, and subjected to numerous tortures by the hands of his brothers and others, including being rapes."
"Stupid author." Tulath said as she grabbed her gear, which consisted of The Hobbit, a bell, a candle, some pens and paper, and the portal maker. She also added in some pink stuff and three bottles of bleeprin. She thought that maybe she could use the lethally potent, headache inducing alcohol this time.
She set the disguise as an elf, and made a portal into the first chapter. She stepped through, leaving the room empty except for the various Lord of the Rings posters around the room, and rugs and pillows on the floor.
Tulath followed Glorfindel as he rode further into Mirkwood. Suddenly, she saw Elrohir stagger into an illusion of Imladris, wounded and bleeding. The scene turned to the sons of Elrond fighting orcs by the Misty Mountains. The she was back at Imladris, with Elrond ordering soldiers after his son, Elladan, who was lost.
"Why the freak would Elrond send an entire army after his son? Why not just a few warriors?" Tulath shouted to the empty air.
Once the illusion had gone, Tulath looked around for Glorfindel, having lost him. She shook her head and hopped forward into the chapter a little.
His body hurt tremendously. Every part of it. His shoulder, which has been stabbed by
the orc's arrow, has been bleeding furiously for days and he didn't know how to stop it.
The effect of the poison on the cursed arrow had spread through his whole body, made
him severely weak, his head dizzy and his sight blurred. His right ankle was broken. His
mare, which has been stabbed by multiple orcs arrows, had fallen on him before she lay
dead. It was not her fault really, she has loyally carried him so far from the beasts despite
her own injuries, and when she died, he had mourned for her.
"Who's he? Too many pronouns. I'll just add that to bad grammar," Tulath complained as she came in view of Elladan. She wrote down the charges she had so far on the paper.
"Imladris is not plural!" Tulath hissed as she wrote down yet another charge. She had to keep quiet, as Elladan was near. She really wanted to help him, but she didn't have any medical supplies. Tianna had always carried those for her.
"How and I ever going to do this alone?" Tulath wondered aloud.
"Glorfindel"
"Bad punctuation." Tulath muttered, as Glorfindel came into view of the assassin and Elladan. "And a little descripition wouldn't kill anybody. All I see are trees."
"Elladan"
Tulath dug into her bag and pulled out a bottle of bleeprin, taking two pills and putting the rest back in her bag. She relaxed a little as the bleach cleared her mind and the aspirin killed the headache.
Tulath followed the duo as they mounted Asfaloth and rode into a clearing with "greasy" grass. Tulath fought to stay up on the slippery grass.
"Stupid author," she muttered again. A keening wail sounded and made Tulath cover her ears.
"I'm pretty sure that Asfaloth is not a mare," Tulath reprimanded as Glorfindel dismounted and ordered Elladan to ride back to Rivendell.
Confusion crossed her face. "'Elladan hold the reign?' What does that mean? Definite bad grammar."
Tulath watched as Glorfindel shot and killed an elf.
"What the freak?! He killed an elf? Killed? Who does the author think she is, having Glorfindel kill an elf? That's kinslaying! She can't do that!" Tulath ranted into the air quietly, so that she would not attract unwanted attention.
She shook her head as the words claimed Glorfindel could win against an army of orcs or humans single-handedly. She had to turn a little at the kinslaying playing out in front of her.
Tulath was about to skip ahead when a particular elf called Glorfindel "Noldo scum."
"I thought he was Vanya. . ." she started, then skipped ahead to a scene in the throne room.
"Alderious? Not an elven name, methinks," Tulath said, after taking time to drool over Thranduil.
Thranduil stood in the throne room, dressed in kingly attire. His son, the crown prince Alderious, stood beside him, while the elf who had insulted Glorfindel brought him forth. That elf was known as Felenduir.
Tulath winced as Thranduil acted on the pure evilness of the author. He ordered Glorfindel to the dungeons, ordering him to be broken.
Tulath was nearly in tears, but she followed Glorfindel, after she wrote down several more charges, taking time to get out new paper, as she had put her pen through the last one.
She prepared herself for the chapter break.
"What!?" she gasped in horror, once she was sure she was alone in a hall. She had just read the next warnings.
"Non-con sex, rape, graphic violence/torture, and incest?" she repeated. She pulled out more bleeprin, taking six this time. She knew it was about to get worse, too.
Suddenly, the castle around her dissolved, and she found herself in Imladris, clutching her head.
"Oww. I am so adding abrupt chapter shifts into here," Tulath said, writing it down on the rather long charge list.
She quickly hid in the bushes as Erestor carried Elladan into the house, sending a servant to fetch Elrond at the same time.
When she was in Mirkwood, it didn't matter if she hid or not, because she had changed her hair color to blonde, and was wearing armor that suited her location in Mirkwood. But here, in Imladris, she noticed everyone had brown or black hair. As she didn't feel like being accused of being an enemy, she simply followed the words from a distance, instead of the actual characters.
She was prepared this time for the time shift to Mirkwood.
All he knew was that his whole body hurt terribly from head to
toe. Bruises were everywhere, including on his arms and legs. His back was
plastered with dried blood and felt extremely sore from the whipping. He
continuously saw stars in his eyes as a result of a dizzy head and two of his
fingers were broken.
"They will pay. Somehow, they will pay," she vowed.
She watched Glorfindel for a while, as he was apparently reminiscing over the past few days, or weeks since he had been there. He was very hurt.
"I wish Tianna were here. It's just so boring without someone to talk to except yourself. . . Maybe I could go find someone to talk to. . . "
A minute passed. "They would probably want to kill me for my views, too. Stupid Canon-destroying author."
Five minutes later. . .
"Poor little Glorfy. If I had Tianna with me, I would heal you a little. But I have to go get more charges." Tulath murmured, setting down by his cot. She scuttled out of the way as Glorfindel got up to go to a corner, where a bowl of water sat. The door opened, and Tulath hid behind the cot, watching as the guard took Glorfindel out of the room, roughly.
Tulath stayed in the cell for a while before skipping ahead when it got boring. All she did was talk to Glorfindel, who couldn't hear her because he was a canon character. And all he did was sit on his cot and stare into space.
"I have got to get out of here. Sorry, Glorfy, you're on your own for a while." With that, Tulath disappeared into the next part of the story.
"Chapter five. Okay. What did I miss?" Tulath asked, skimming over the words.
"Who are you?" An enraged prince of Mirkwood suddenly asked. "I asked to be left alone!"
"Eep! I was just, uh, going now. Bye!" Tulath ran out of the room, while Glorfindel looked at her curiously. She saw that he had been cleaned up for the next scene. She stopped outside the door and read the words, knowing that whatever she read actually happened inside.
"Oh, wait. okay. Now it's chapter five. I was still in chapter four." Tulath could tell because of the sudden time shift. "Making Legolas a consort is definitely going down as a charge. Especially when he's with his incestous brothers."
Tulath crept in when the two princes were talking to Glorfindel and poured a massive amount of pink stuff in the wine. Holding back her laughter, she crept back out of the room.
She stood outside and waited a while. Suddenly shrieks of pain filled the air. She laughed, then rushed in and grabbed Legolas, pulling him out of there. The two princes were rolling on the floor and clutching their heads.
"You idiots shouldn't drink pink stuff unless you have purple stuff on hand," Tulath warned, speaking of the only thing that could cure the headache given by pink stuff.
"Wait! Who are you and where are we going?" Legolas asked in a small voice.
"Oh, snap out of it! I have to exorcise you, because you should have pointed an arrow at me, instead of come with me!"
Tulath took him into an empty room. Then she pulled out the candles, bells and book. She placed the candles around him and started chanting.
"Legolas Thranduilion, let the power of Tolkien compel you, become unpossessed. . . let the power of Tolkien compel you. . . " she rang the bell a few times, and a slight mist came up from Legolas, and disappeared in a poof.
"Where am I? Who are you?" Legolas asked as a little canon reasserted itself.
"In your castle. I'm, um . .. um. . . a guard sent by your father to, uh, protect you," Tulath made up quickly. Legolas seemed to accept that.
"Uh, I just head something, I'll be right back." Tulath ran back to the room where Glorfindel was located.
The two princes of Mirkwood were just getting up, but still clutching their heads. Glorfindel was still sitting there.
Tulath kicked both the princes, knocking them down, before placing the candles around the seneschal of Rivendell.
"Um, let the power of Tolkien compel you, get out of Glorfindel's body. . . . You know the rest, just get out!" Tulath said hurriedly, smacking Glorfindel on the head for good measure. The mist that rose up disappeared.
Glorfindel blinked as canon reasserted itself a little more.
"Glorfindel! Elrond's in trouble! You have to go get him! He's in the throne room!" Tulath shouted. Glorfindel ran into the hall, trying to figure out where the throne room was.
"And now, you two. . . " Tulath smiled evilly. The two princes froze.
"Felenduir Thranduilion, you are charged on behalf of the PPC with messing with Glorfindel; listening to Thranduil when he's obviously crazy; torturing Glorfindel; calling him a Noldo, though he is a Vanya; having plans to rape Glorfindel; and being incestous with Legolas. Dude, that's just not right. Have any last words?" Tulath asked the prince, that was currently hanging from a buttress out one of the windows.
"You'll pay for this! When my father hears. . . " He started.
"Good. That's very nice. Have a nice fall!" Tulath cut the rope.
"And you, Alderios Thranduilion. You are charged on behalf of the PPC with frenching Legolas and other acts I will not name; having bad grammar; which I am only charging you with because I can't kill anyone else; being mean to Glorfindel; listening to an Out-Of-Character Thranduil; and annoying me with your non-elven name. Any last words that aren't threats?" Tulath charged the other one.
"Please don't kill me! Please! Please!" Alderios begged. Tulath rolled her eyes.
"Shut up! I still don't know how I can kill you yet."
Ten minutes later. . .
"Oh, I know! I'll just throw you off the Misty Mountains! Well, one of them. How does that sound?" Tulath grinned.
"Nooooo!"
Tulath smiled as the former prince of Mirkwood tumbled down the mountain.
"It could've been Mount Doom, you know!"s She shouted.
Then she made a portal to the throne room in Mirkwood, where Thranduil was calling for his son, Alderios.
"He's not here." Tulath said, after she finished drooling. Thranduil ignored her.
"That's not very nice. Now, be a good king and step into the circle. . . ." Tulath set up the candles and attempted to usher him into the circle.
"Where did you come from?" Thranduil demanded when Tulath finally just pushed him into the circle.
"Let the power of Tolkien compel you . . . . give back my lust object's body . . ." Tulath rang the bell and hit Thranduil on the head with The Hobbit.
Canon decided right then to reassert itself completely. Legolas rushed in, and Thranduil hugged him quickly.
"Such a happy ending," Tulath cooed, making a portal back to Headquarters.
"Oh, a message from Tianna. I wonder why." Tulath soon found out.
Tulath,
It seems you are on a mission right now. I'm glad you're doing so well without me. I feel less guilty saying that I am staying the in Reality for the next month or so.
Have fun without me,
Tianna.
"What?! Tianna! No!" Tulath's exclamation was cut off by a very loud
[BEEP!
A/N: The name of the story I PPCed is In the Name of Faith. I went through less that half of it, but I think this is sufficient for now.