Spoilers: Throughout Season 6 and 7
Disclaimer: Not mine!
The Only Sara I've ever loved
"I can't believe this is happening!" Gil said to himself at his office desk. The miniature set in front of him. The dusty setting, damaged car, and Sara lying underneath. The doll's hand still moving, and Sara was still alive…
Oh Sara…I'm sorry. God I'm so sorry! I put my head in my hands and rub my face. For once in my life I feel completely helpless. Sara is trapped underneath a car in the middle of nowhere. The miniature gives me no clue to her whereabouts. What's worst of all is that the murderer is insane! I tried to reason with Natalie. Tried to somehow get on her side, but in the end she just started chantingto herself. I grabbed her and screamed at her to tell me where Sara is. I almost lost it that room. If Jim had not pulled me back I probably would have dripped bleach on her myself.
This woman was taking her anger out on me. I took away Ernie Dell, and now she's taking Sara away from me. The only woman I've ever loved! I didn't mean to blurt it out in front of the team but I did. Their faces went from down right grim to somewhat elated. I guess we did a good job hiding it because all of them were completely surprised. I don't regret it. They would have found out anyway…just under better circumstances. I look around my office. Even though I have stuff everywhere it seems like a bottomless pit. Your miniature stares at me Sara…almost as if you're talking to me. My hand softly caresses your doll face.
"I'm looking for you Sara. I won't sleep until I find you." I say.
"So will we!" I look up to see Catherine, Nick, Warrick, Greg, and Jim in my office door. I smile the best I can. They all smile back and head out; Catherine stays. For some reason I thought she would.
"I always thought you and Sara had a certain chemistry. Although, I don't think anything prepared me for your declaration in there." She says. I motion for her to sit across from me.
"Yes, Sara and I are together." I say. Catherine grabs my hand.
"Gil we are going to find her!" She says as I squeeze back.
"I feel so helpless. For the first time in all my career I have nothing, can do nothing, and don't know what to do." I say sadly. I rub my eyes.
"Go home Gil. You've been here too long." I angrily stand up.
"NO! I cant' go home. I have to be here…working…working to find her!" Catherine places her hands on my shoulders.
"Gil you can't help Sara if you are constantly distracted. Go home and gather some things for her. She's going to need something dry to wear when we get her to the hospital." She says reassuringly. I sigh.
"I'm sorry Catherine. I'm exhausted." I pick up my coat and turn off my office lights. She puts her hand on my arm.
"Go home." I smile gently and walk away.
I walk into my townhouse and hang my coat on the wall. The place feels different, looks different, well…Sara isn't here.
"Ruff!" Bruno runs up to me with Sara's slipper in his mouth. Even though he's my dog he always liked Sara better. I bend down and scratch the dog's ears.
"Sorry buddy. Sara won't be with us for awhile." If he understands human he does it pretty well because he instantly lies down and moans. I take the slipper and throw it across the room. He doesn't chase it but looks up at me with those sad eyes. Sara had not been over in about three days. He misses her. I miss her!
"I'll find her Bruno. I promise." I say and with a last scratch of the ears I go to out bedroom.
Our bedroom. Hmmm. It sounds better like that. I can remember a time when this was just my bedroom…my bed…
Three weeks since we formed a relationship. We have grown accustomed to each other to the point where it feels as though we've been in a relationship all the while. We had been working on a case involving a car crash with the driver disappearing, and the victim in the passengers seat. Catherine, Warrick, and I were on scene while Sara, Nick, and Greg would check on background and the car. It turns out to be a tough case with the crime scene virtually useless, and the background not turning up any new leads. Since the car was pretty banged up Sara had been working on it for days. Near the end of shift I found her underneath the car. I could tell she was deep in though for she didn't even notice my presence. I didn't want to interrupt her for fear that she might hurt herself. So I watch.
Her hair is pulled back into a ragged ponytail with small strands behind her ears. There are black smudges all around her face. She has gloves and boots on with the sleeves rolled up on her blue suit. Even though she probably thought she looks horrible I find it somewhat attractive. I smile slightly. The outfit also gives attention to the more predominant members of female anatomy. She finally gets up and takes off her goggles. She notices me. I say the only thing that comes to mind.
"Hey."
"How long have you been standing there?" She asks. I shrug.
"Long enough." I say with a smile. She somewhat smiles back.
"Well I found blood splatter on the steering wheel and a blood pool on the back of the driver's seat." I frown.
"Back of the seat? There had to be somebody else in that car. Did you find any metallic plastic material in the car?" You nod.
"Yes actually. My initial thesis was that it was some piece of tape or CD. I sent to trace to verify." You shrug. I nod and look in the hallway quickly before walking behind you. I pretend to be interested in the car. Purposely I drag my hand up and down her arm. She raises an eyebrow at me.
"I know you love delving deep into you work, but I was wondering if you could steal away for dinner at my place tonight." I ask her with a slight nerve in my voice. She smiles and pretends to look at the same aspect of the car that I am. On the way she drags her hand along my arm. It sends shivers up my spine.
"When do you want me?" Way wrong question! By the small grin on your face it was on purpose. I want t answer; 'Right now' but somehow I find my voice.
"8.00." You smile and I walk towards the door.
"Anything I can bring?"
"Anything you want!" I shout back to her. This is going to be a long shift.
Everything was perfect. Dinner was hot out of the oven, candles were lit, and the wine chilled. All he needed now was…'knock knock'. He smiled. Sara! With a gusto he didn't know he possessed he opened the door. The breath caught in his throat.
She wore a black cocktail dress that strapped to her shoulders and the back. As the dress came down it slid all the way down to her ankle while the other side only came up halfway. She carried a small black purse with a shawl around the exposed skin of her shoulders.
"See something you like?" She asked with a laugh. Blushing I realized I was staring and showed her in.
"Can I take your shawl?" I asked. She nodded. I went behind her and gently took it off her shoulders. Her skin was somewhat tan and delicate. Beautiful. He shook himself and hung it up.
"You look handsome tonight." She said. I smiled. He had put ton a dark green sweatshirt and black pants.
"I apologize. I don't' look nearly as nice as you." I said apologetically.
"Well I thought that you always see me wearing work clothes. I wanted to wear a dress since it's the only thing you haven't seen me in." She said. I took her arm and led her to the table. All the meanwhile I couldn't help thinking that I haven't seen you in a lot of other fashions…nothing!
"I hope you like vegetable lasagna, French bread, and salad." I asked from the kitchen.
"Sounds good. Oh I brought dessert!" She calls out to me. She comes in the kitchen wit a pie. I raise my eyebrow.
"Chocolate cream?" She nods. I point to the fridge where she can keep it cool. Soon we're at the table eating heartily. We talk about the case, books we've read recently, and to my delight she enthralls me by bringing up bugs. After a good slow meal she helps me clear off.
"Can I cut you a piece of pie?" You ask. I quickly answer yes and finish clearing the plates. I am about to blow out the candles when you interrupt.
"Don't blow those out. They give the atmosphere a tad bit extra, don't you think." I nod. The certainly do. The candlelight flickers off of your skin making you look as ravishing as ever. You hand me my plate and your cleavage shows enough to make my blood pressure rise. Your legs are soft and smooth which your walking perfectly demonstrates for me. Before I know it you sit down next to me. So as not to look at you I quickly take a bite of pie. It's delicious!
"Any good?" I'm about to tell you when I have a better idea. I take piece of my pie and hold it in front of you mouth. You smile at me and open your mouth. As I enter the food you close your mouth around and let your lips glide over the spoon. You are doing this on purpose!
"I think it's the best pie I have ever had." I say and I really mean it.
"I should make it more often then." She smiles. We eat for a while in silence when you start laughing hysterically. I'm confused.
"What?"
"You have a mass of chocolate on your face." I try and wipe it off.
"No, come here." You dip your napkin in your wine. You move closer to me and wipe it off my cheek. You are so close to me. Proximity barriers are definitely being breached! Any closer and you would be sitting in my lap.
"There." You say and start to pull back. I hold you in place. I have no idea what I am doing. I pull you to sit in my lap. You wrap your arms around my neck. We're drifting closer when our lips finally touch. Instantly I wrap my arms around your body to hold you in place. Even though it isn't our first kiss we both know what this will lead to. What we want it to lead to. I can feel it in your body. As our lips caress each other I flick my tongue against your bottom lip for silent permission to enter. You moan softly and our tongues are fused together. I slide my hands up and down your back lifting your shirt up slightly. I can feel your running up my chest and resting them in my hair. Finally we break apart for breath. Your eyes instantly lock with mine and I see nothing but want. I groan and recapture your lips. It would seem that I can't get enough of you. I stand up and you slide off of me. I instantly pull you back. I break from your lips and start nibbling on your neck. I move hind your ear and kiss my way all the way down to your neckline.
"Gil!" I break my advance, and can only stare at you. No one has ever said my name like that before. In the moment of building passion we embrace each other and say, "Want you!" I pull you flush against me. You star unbuttoning my sweater. I grin and kiss you hard on the mouth. I hear you laugh as I grab your waist and pull you in the bedroom…
After that night it wasn't just my bed; it was yours as well. I fall backward and lie in my sleeping spot. You should be here next to me hand on my chest and nestled close. You're not though. Our nightstand books have a small layer of dust on the covers. We haven't reading awhile. I take my glasses off and put them in my pocket. I walk towards the closet and pull out a small duffel bag. I need to pack some dry clothes for you. I pull out my bottom drawer where you keep your clothes and look around. The first thing that catches my eye: your robe. I love seeing you wear this. I remember the day I bought it for you…
"I would like to know I was going to die. Cancer perhaps. Have time to prepare. Re read Moby Dick, visit the Amazon again. Give me the chance to say goodbye to all the people I care about." I go silent. Jim almost died today. I could have lost my closest friend in an instant. It makes me think that anytime we could be taken away from this Earth. Then you come out of the bathroom with your new robe that I bought for you. It looks great! You take my hands in yours.
"I'm not ready to say goodbye." I smile and caress your face with my hand.
"I'm not either." I say. I learn in and kiss you gently on the mouth.
"Ready for bed?" You ask. I nod. We go to opposite sides of the bed and turn down the covers.
"I love the robe on you!" I say. You smile.
"I love it as well. You have excellent taste in women's nightwear." We laugh. We get into our usual sots and turn out the lights. I scoot close to you and wrap my arms around your waste breathing in the scent of your newly washed hair. You turn around in my arms and run your hand along the side of my face.
"You want to talk about anything?" You ask. I really don't know. I have mixed emotions about the whole situation. I shake my head no.
"Okay. I'm here Gill if you need me. I know Jim is a close friend, and to have him almost taken away from you must have been tough for you." You say. Y outtake my hand and put it on your face. You turn my palm and kiss it.
"Thank you. I'm just tired." You smile and start to cuddle next to me. I kiss the top of your head and we both drift off to sleep.
I can't sleep. I want to wake you but I know how much you need your sleep. I keep hearing the machine going blank. Gunfires. I need you! I shake you slightly.
"Sara." You groan and nestle closer to me. I lean into your ear and whisper your name again. This time you respond.
"Gil?" You ask sleepily. You nudge your head up so that you're looking at me.
"What's wrong?" I turn to you.
"Nightmare." You scoot up sot that we are face to face.
"When I have a nightmare it usually helps me to talk about it." I sigh.
"In my dream I was the one hostage. He let me go but shot Jim. In fact not only once but kept shooting him until all that was left was a few remains."
"What happened after that?"
"Nothing. I didn't do anything. I just stood there." You grab my hand.
"Maybe you feel like you could have done more to help Jim." You say.
"I could have. He could have died." I say as you run your hand through my hair.
"You did all you could Gil. You found Ellie and Jim got to see her…if even for a minute." You say. I nod.
"Perhaps. Ellie didn't' stay though."
"That wasn't your fault. Jim didn't die, and you did everything you could to help." You say. I pull you against my chest and hug you tight. You drop a kiss on my mouth then quickly fall asleep…
Our relationship, more than anything, is based on need. We both need each other on the emotional as well as the physical prospects. Somewhere in between I've managed to fall more deeply in love with you. I sit down on the bed and put my head in my hands. Oh God my head! I get up and head into the kitchen. I get a glass out of the cupboard and fill it with water. I take two pills from my prescription and down them with the water. I gulp down the rest of the water in one drink. Natalie gave me nothing! Absolutely nothing! From nowhere this raging strike of anger hits me and I fling my glass against the living room wall. It shatters and the shards are flung everywhere. I really don't' care. I march into the bedroom and fling myself upon the mattress. I can't lose you Sara! I'm into deep now. I'm madly in love with you. I don't think I have ever been so afraid of anything in my life. Wait…I have. When I almost lost you to myself…
"Sara?" I ask openly. The townhouse is dark and empty. Since tensions have been high between us the past few days I thought it best to come home first. I take off my coat and hang it on the wall. My keys, ID, and wallet follow on the hall table. Yours aren't there. Please be here Sara! I look and see a blue light and hear a slight noise from the bedroom. I peep into the room and see you in the middle of the bed watching the television. You have a beer in your hand and a half empty six- pack next to you. A pizza box has taken up residence where I would normally be sitting. I lean against the doorframe.
"Sara?" You take another sip and continue to ignore me. I step closer to the bed and step on something. I look down and see your duffel bag. Not good!
"Sara talk to me please." This might have been the last straw for you because you angrily turn off the set and stand up.
"Oh, now you want to talk?" You cross your arms.
"About Heather…" I say taking a step forward but your venomous words stop me.
"Yes, lets talk about Lady Heather!"
"Sara I…" You hold up your hand with a sarcastic smile.
"Let me start this one. After you talked to me in the lab I decided I was being a little immature and was going to make up for it…" You pick up the pizza box and the empty cans of beer and walk out into the kitchen. I follow.
"I decided on one of our all time favorites. Pizza: half-veggie, half-sausage. A six-pack of beer and an old movie. You were trying to help Heather out so I was going to help you relax. Had everything ready, but when you were twenty-five minutes late I called Catherine." You stop dead in your tracks and face me.
"You were at Heather's. All night apparently, and then went into an explanation of how such a jack-ass you were acting, and frankly I couldn't agree more." I grab you by the arm.
"It isn't what it sounds like Sara." You push me away and walk back into the bedroom.
"I tried to understand Gil. I was even going to make up for it by all of this." You point to the bed.
"Oh, but no I am done! Instead of coming home to me, like you said you would, you go to Lady Heather's."
"I am the only one she will talk to."
"All night Gil? Must have been some conversation!" You practically scream at me.
"She's a stubborn woman…"
"That is all I've heard about these past few days. Heather this and Heather that. How you two had a hot affair, how you were secretative, and rumors flying everywhere I went. From Jim, Catherine, the guys...even you!" You say.
"I'm sorry that these conversations have come up, but they're just speculation Sara. You shouldn't believe all they say." I say soothingly.
"Why not Griss? They are the only ones talking! You never told me about her and now all of a sudden you can't stop. Just by curiosity do you talk to people about me that way?" When I don't answer you angrily sigh and wave your hand in my direction. You pick up your bag. I block the door.
"Where are you going?" I ask.
"Home. My apartment and I think that I'm going to stay there for awhile." I don't budge.
"Move out of the way Gil!" You say forcefully. You shrug and start to move past me but I grab your arms. You fight me.
"Let me go! How could you? How could you?" You scream as you pound into my chest.
"Sara stop!" I say forcefully. You look up at me with tears in your eyes.
"My turn! I needed to get Heather to talk Sara. I didn't sleep with her. I was there all night to make sure no one came after her, and to get her full version. I did. Yes, Heather and I had a relationship once but not anymore. She's a good friend that needed help." I pull you in closer to me and wipe the bridging tears away.
"I'm sorry I haven't talked to you much lately. Especially about heather and I cannot express how sorry I am about everyone giving you the details before I could. And my heart is screaming out sorry for you trying to do something nice for me, and I not being here to enjoy it." I lift your face to mine.
"I would never consciously do anything to make you upset Sara. I can't ell you how sorry." You sob slightly and lean into me. I wrap my arms around you and hold you tightly. We just stand here holding each other. After a few moments you whisper in my ear, "Yes you can.". I pull back and look at you tenderly.
"Can what?"
"Tell me how sorry you are." Without another hint I place my hands on either side of your face and touch my lips to yours. You lean into me and wrap your arms around my neck. My hands slide down to your waist to hold you positioned against me. I break off the kiss and trail down your neck.
"You are the most important woman in my life." I whisper in your ear. In turn you hold me tighter and nuzzle into my chest.
"I am truly sorry Sara. Forgive me for being such a dumb ass." You chuckle and raise your face to mien. I brush away the soft tears forming. I smile and kiss you. Your tongue makes contact with mine and I groan. If possible I pull you in closer to me. I guess I never fully grasped that you're such a good kisser. Your lips glide over and under mine in such a delicate way. When we finally come up for air I rest my forehead against yours and you say gently, "I forgive you."…
I smirk to myself. From that moment until about two hours before shift I showed how much I was sorry. At this moment I wish I had a picture in my wallet to look at. I don't. That will change immediately after I get you back. I grab your pillow and hold it on top of me. I squeeze it tight and breathe in your scent. When I get you back I am going to hold you and never let go. Most importantly I am going to hold you in my arms and tell you I love you. I've hesitated because I waited for the day when you would find someone younger and move on. I almost told you in that letter, but I didn't send it because it just seemed ridiculous. I wanted to tell you myself, and when you get back to me I am never going to stop! I sigh and pick up your duffel. I head outside and lock the door behind me. As I drive down the road towards the lab I can't help but think….
"You can't die…because you are the only Sara I've ever loved."