It was a dark and stormy night in Downtown Toronto.
But in Calgary, Alberta, the weather was fine, and *CALAMITY JEN* was getting ready to bring the cows home!
"Moo!" said the cattle.
"YEE HAA!" said Calamity Jen. "Y'all 'd better hurry on up! 'Cause I gotta meet mah ro-de-o buddies down at the Prickly Pear! C'mon, git, ya varmints!" Calamity Jen pulled out her gun and fire a shot into the air. "Didn't y'all hear what I said..now GIT!"
the cattle scattered heading for downtown Calgary as Calamity Jane trotted off to the Prickly Pear Saloon. Along the way she muttered to herslef..
"sheesh...ya go to all the trouble of rustling those cattle away from the hands of them there beef cattling varmits and try to get it inta their think skulls that they be free cattle now and they stand there all dumba and stupid looking at ya."
She hosltered her side arm and climb down off her horse. "All in a days work for a champion pro-vegetarian cattle activist!" She sighed and went in for a drink.
The saloon doors creaked open, and CJ chinked her way inside. She could see dozens of characters sitting at the tables, lined up at the bar, and she could hear the piano playing somewhere in the corner. Squinting as only a true Calgary cowgirl can, she surveyed the saloon, searching for her sisters.
"Y'ar!" said CAPTAIN KATHERINE, leader of the Saucy Mare. "We be over here, says I!"
"Da!" agreed JULIE THE FEARLESS.
"Hwat tookk yah so lllong, ye cow-pushin' soy eaterrrr!" said MARLA O'MARLA. "Julie h'almost chewwed off her arrrm in hungerrr!"
"Da!" agreed Fearless Julie.
"Ah was rescuin' some cows from the slaughter!" said Calamity Jen, taking a seat. "If'n y'all were so hungry, ya coulda ordered before me! It's not like--" The slam of the saloon bar interrupted her, and abruptly, everyone went quiet. "By the banshee's wailing" Marla o'Marla gasped. "What the bloody heck was that?" They all turned and looked at the saloon doors, the door swinging back and forth in the mis autum breeze. "Bansheeee! Tis in deed true." Marla O'Marla said again this time in a whisper as she looked nervously about the room for the unseen spectre. "Nyet." Julie the Fearless replied." Dat be the sound of a Great Siberian Bear's uh...growling...it's..." She ponted at her stomach repeatedly and looked at the others. "It's tummy is growling?" Captain Katherine added, her large black seafaring hat sliding forward over her eyes. "Da!" Julie the fearless nodded her head. "Da growling of da bear's tummy...that be the sound." "Naw...none of y'all are right...it's only the fair prarie breeze" Calamity Jen interrupted the groups asessment of the odd sound from the saloon doors "...whatcha'll beeen drinkin'?" She leaned in to look at the drinks that sat on the small table. "Gut rot...mm..the best stuff." They all heard the soudn again. This time louder. "I tell ya tis the wail of the Banshee." "Nyet..bears..and grumbling of tummies." "ARrrr..I think this here salooon's hit a rock. The sounds of land ho breaking apart the hull of this feisty steadworthy craft it be." "Captian...we ain't on no boat. This here is the dirt and sand of the grand northwest. Ya'll gottin yerselves pickled, hearing strange sounds...now git back to yer drinkin'" They all heard the sound a third time. This time it rattled the walls. Calamity Jen drew her colt 47. "Outside?" she asked the others They all nodded and prepared to investigate the sounds outside. The doors slammed open again, as Fearless Julie strode out onto the road. "Come, my drunken friends!" she ordered. Calamity Jen sprang out next, while Captain Katherine and Marla O'Marla followed in a more wobbly way.
"Och! Does it *al*weys haff to be so brright in Calllgery?!" said O'Marla, shielding her eyes.
"Y'ar! We be land-locked! We *have* come too far ashore!" (Captain Katherine did not suffer so much from the sun, since one of her eyes was patched.) "No wonder the ground's bin swayin' all this time!"
"It is good! Dere is MUCH food to be eaten here!" As if on cue, Julie's stomach growled again.
"Mah cows!" yelled Calamity Jen, "Where'd mah cows go? They were right here a mite ago! Jules, y'all didn't eat 'em, did ya?"
"Nyet! Dere ver no cows ven I came outside!" scowled Julie, with her stomach accompanying.
"Well, they were *jest* here! A whole herda cattle cain't jest disappear like a rabbit inta a hole!"
"PIRATES!" roared Captain Katherine, rattling her sabre as her hat slipped over her eyes. "A head of cattle'll fetch three gold crowns in New Guinea! Back inside! *I'll* captain *this* ship, capture those scurvy devils and keel haul them till they act like normal!" "Pardon me." Everyone froze and turned toward the voice. "Pardon me, but it looks as if you folks have misplaced your bovine assembly. Now I may be in possession of some intelligence concerning their whereabouts, which I'd be willing to divulge to you...for the right amount of fiscal compensation, of course." "By the Ghost of Davy Jones!" Captain Katherine exclaimed. "I know that visage.tis none other than Christina In The Hood." "Yer not be referrrring ta Hood..the infamous outlaw of the great forrrest." Marla O' Marla added. "Da master of da great longbow?" Julie the Fearless said, taking one step back? "She certainly talks in the high tongue of my old landlocked kinsmen." Captain Katherine had her hand on the hilt of her sword while she swayed back and forth in the breeze. "Yup. That mighten just be the wolfshead who stories of theivin' reached even 'cross the sea. I remember stories of Hood back before I git taught to rope mah first steer." Calamity Jen handled her pistol gingerly. Christina In The Hood was a legend. "I reckon we'd best not cross her............ unless she's willing ta cross me first." The last part Calamity Jen mutttered under her breath. "Be calm, my friends." Christina In The Hood replied. "I mean no harm to any of thee but merely wish to knowith if you wish to exchange information in regards to your expansive bovine assembly for some.." Christina In The Hood jingled the pouch around her waist. "..for some gold coins. A person in my business hath many a mouth to feed. The merry peasants become increasing less pleasant with ere day that passes with no food to eat." "Arr.Tis true then?" Captain Katherine asked. "Robbing the rich.like a fellow pirate!" Captain Katherine smiled and relaxed, just before she toppled over, still unsteady on her feet being on land. "Alas.unlike the crusty seafaring life you lead.I do not keep what I steal but pass the goods from those who have too much to those who do not have enough." Christina In The Hood helped Captain Katherine to he feet. "You'da make a GREAT communist Madum Hoood." Julie the Fearless took a deep bow. Christina In The Hood returned the bow. "Dosvedanya." Julie the Fearless replied impressed at the newcomer. "So what of my herd then?" Calamity Jen replied with her hands on her hips, still reluctant to take her fingers off her Colt. "Ah yes.well.." Christina In The Hood jingled her purse and smiled at Calamity Jen. Calamity Jen's face frowned. "I ain't got nothing more than the pistol at my side and the boots on mah feet." She drew her gun and pointed it at Christina In The Hood. "I also ain't in no mood ta play games. Tell me where mah dern cattle are ya varmit. If'in them beefeaters gottem back there's gonna be hell ta pay.so swears Calamity Jen."
"Peace, friend," said Chris In Hood, raising her hand. "If what you say is true, I will gladly tell you where they are." Calamity Jen narrowed her eyes and lowered her gun a little.
"Whatchya'll mean, if what ah say is true? You callin' me a liar?"
"Nay, Calamity Jen, I only thought someone in possession of such a large herd would have been...charitable...to one such as myself." said Chris In Hood, gravely. "Save, you said this isn't your herd."
"Tha's rite, it ain't! Ah rescued those cattle from the slaughter an' set 'em free down here (in *fine* rootin' tootin' fashion, ah might add!" said Calamity Jen, tipping her cowboy hat).
"Then my friends, we must be off! The SHERIFF OF NEWTONBROOK has your cows, and being the churl that she is, will be very eager to sell them back to their owners. To Alberta's seas--"
"(Ar!)"
"--of wheat!"
"Och!" interrupted Marla O'Marla, as the group turned to dash off. "We'll tayk mah carrr. Ah 'pulled it over while yew were jabberin' away, ye lit- speakin' word-monkeys!"
*****
An hour later, our five heroes had sped back north out of Downtown Alberta to the farms which lay outside.
"In Russia, ve vould have SKAYted to this nogoodnickov." said Julie the Fearless.
"Ar! Seafaring be not *crusty*!" said Captain Katherine, finally catching on. Chris In Hood tried hard not to smile.
"In fact, dat is how I came to be in dis contry!" continued Julie, as mysteriously, a violin began to play in the background. "I vas chasing a stray puck," said her voice (for this was the requisite voiced-over flashback scene), "vich my brozer had shot vide of ze net. I skated far and vide looking for it, but could not find it." The other passengers sniffled as they listened on. "One day, I found dat I had skated over your feeble Bering Strait into Alaska. Ze wezer was varmer dan home, but I vould haf been lost, had you not found me, Comrade." "That there be a facinatin' story Fearless." Calamity Jen said as she continued to watch out the car window for her emancipated herd. "You know all, if we don't be getting' my herd back from that vermit sheriff all them cattle'll be killed." "Aye.sent to Davy Jones's Locker." Captain Katherine added. "I be less worried aboot the wee cow an more aboot the boonie lass Calamity." Marla O'Marla whispered to Chris in the Hood. "She be a bit freakish when it come ta bein' a veggiesaurian." "Wha' wassat?" Calamity Jen popped her head up from the backseat. She raised and eyebrow. "Y'all got a problem with my ..my.whacamacallit." "You choice of lifestyle?" Chris in the Hood replied. "YA! That's it. So I ain't inta eatin' cattle, nor piggies for that matta.not even suure I'd eat anything that could look me in the eye, rightly." Calamity Jen gave them all evil glares with one eyebrow raised. No one was scared. In fact, Julie the Fearless went so far as to laugh out loud. "Don't be worryin' yer poor wee heed." Marla O'Marla soothed. "We'll find the poor beasties." "COW HO!" Captain Katherine shouted. Everyone's attention turned to the left side where Captain Katherine had sighted a vast sea of cattle. "Tis them!" Marla O'Marla exclaimed. "Saints be prasied. You've gone and done it Chris In The Hood." Calamity Jen fired a few happy shots off in the air. "Mah cattle.woohoooooo! Quick pull over." Marla O' Marla pulled the car onto the side of the road. That's when they all saw the sign. "Property of the Sheriff of Newtonbrook. Tresspassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again." Looking out across the ranch they could see many towers spead out over the land "Well, doesn't that bite the biscuit." said Calamity Jen, which was more or less what her four friends were thinking, too.
"Fellows, her vertical stronghold is formidable, but retreat would not sit well with me." said Chris in the Hood.
"Och, we weren't thinkin' a givin' up, Chrrris in the Hood, but we cannae just waltz in therrre, git Calamity Jen's kine, and waltz oot!" countered Marla O'Marla.
"Ve must come up vith a strategy!" added Julie the Fearless.
"Fearless is right." said Calamity Jen. "If'n we don't hurry up, those cow- killin' varmints'll show up, pay the Sheriff, an' take off! Ah don't wanna hafta steal 'em back all over agin! An' if they hain't got enough cash on 'em, they might jest give summa them cattle to the Sheriff ta eat herself. Ah'll admit, ah'm good, but not good enough ta be in two places at once."
"Highly fed and lowly taught!" scowled Chris in the Hood.
"Avast! Hwhy don't we liken ourselves to Odysseus?" asked Captain Katherine. "When the greatest sailor of 'em all was trapped, ar, in the Cyclops' cave, he put out his eye, hid amongst the sheep, and escaped back to the ocean. Aye, he war a man of many ways!"
There was silence in the group as they all stared at the Captain "Huh?" Calamity Jen said. "Them's purdy words yer saying but I sure as heck don't get one worda what ya jest said." "I tink da Keptin is trying to say that vee should put dere eye's out.take out da towers so dey kent see us stealing da herd beck." "Och I see now. If we knock down those mighty towers then we'll have moreofa chance ta get those wee coo's away withou' bein' seen." "One small point. How's we gunna knock them towers down?" "Ah. You doth have a good point." They all looked at the five towers they could count inside the Sheriff of Newtonbrook's compound. The five towers stood tall and alone on the prarie plains. They men up top could have seen the group coming from a mile away. In fact they were probably wondering right now why there was a stopped car with five strangely dressed individuals standing at the compound fence. Captain Katherine pulled a long contraption out from her jacket.
"We might be seein' a bit further with th' help of this." It was a telescope and the good Captain peered through the lens to get a better look at the closest tower. "What kin ya see?" Marla asked nervously. "Arrr.I see...I seee...DUCK!" "Ducks?" They all said as the Captain dove to the ground. A clear gun shot rang out through the air and kapeened off the fencing just to the right of them. Everyone dove to the dirt. "Hoo-ee! Looks like we got a fahyer-fight!" grinned Calamity, ducking around the side of the ar. "'Least we don't hafta worry 'bout bein' seen no more!" "Canst thou not use your firearm, Jen?" asked Chris in the Hood. "Sorry, Hood, but ah left all mah ammo back at the Prickly Pear, an' ah fired summa mah rounds when we done got here. Ah only got three left." "Have no fear, comrades, if dey vant a battle, dey vill have one!" said Fearless Julie, stonily. She whipped out Marla O'Marla's hockey stick and a bag of pucks. "If'n ya don't mind, Fearless, ah think ah'll add mah gun t'yours." Said Calamity Jen, sighting the towers over the trunk of the car. Julie the Fearless nodded. "Keptin, if you please." She said, indicating the towers with her stick as she lined up the pucks. "Aye, Fearless." The good Captain whipped out her telescope again, sighting the towers over the hood. "Five degrees to starboard, 1500 yards off the port bow!" Fearless Julie wound up and CLAP! A mighty boom was heard a split second after the puck screamed between the fence and sped to the tower. "Ach, dinnae rrruin mah blaayyyde!" CRACK! Fearless Julie's puck split the wooden support leg of the first tower, and our five heroes watched as it groaned, wobbled, then crashed to the ground. "Thar she goes!" crowed the Captain, just before she ducked behind the car again, as the remaining four towers began to fire in earnest. "Aw, cripes! They're scarin' mah cattle!" said Calamity, watching her friends mill around the field. "Four more t'go, sailors! Then a bottle of rum!" encouraged Captain Katherine. "Ay kent shoot iyf dey fire gons at me ven I stand up!" said Julie the Fearless, frustrated. "Och! The CATT'le!" exclaimed Marla O'Marla, pulling a spidery-looking instrument from her car. "Aw'll pleyyy mah bagpipe an' stampede 'em to the towerrrs!" Marla O'Marla breathed in deep and began to play. Unfortunately for them all, Marla really didn't have any idea how to play the bagpipe and the hideous wailing that come out from the bagpipes drowned out the sounds of Julie's slapshots, the cracking of the pillars holding the towers up and the hundreds of stampeding cattle.
"AVAST YA SCRUVEY PINT SIZED SWABBY. I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF THINK!" Captain Katherine made a dash for the Scottish pixie who easily sidestepped the attack and continued to play. "She doth need lessons methinks." Chris said to Calamity Jen. "WHAT?!" Calamity Jen yelled back, her hands clamped over her ears as she watched her cattle running about in all directions. "Y'all keep 'em distracted like an I'll round up them prairie coo's" Calamity Jen turned and whistled, her two fingers placed between her lips. Out of seemingly nowhere they all saw a black horse and what appeared to be a small beagle and another yellow husky-looking dog. They all ran towards the group. Marla continued playing as loudly and off key as possible. Through the telescope the Captain could see the men station in the towers clutching their hands over their ears while tying to keep upright despite the waivering of the towers. "AR.the plan be working methinks.uh." a bullet richoched off the fence post near by the group. "Or maybe 'tis not." She shrugged. The three animals finally reached the group and Calamity Jen swung herself up onto the horse. "Listen up cowpokes!" she yelled trying to be heard over Marla's wailing. Julie the Fearless ignored her still trying to take pillar by pillar out with the hockey pucks. There weren't many pucks left. "I'm gunna ride in thar with my doggies and round up them ponies." "I tho you said they were coo's?" Marla stopped playing to ask. Calamity Jen gave her a sideways glare. "I need y'all to keep them cow rustler off mah back 'till I ken git this herd under control." "On Tessa." the yellow dog took off into the herd of cattle barking at the cows. "On Digby" the beagle looked up at Jen and then peeled out in the opposite direction running about in circles no where near the cattle." Jen rolled her eyes. "Dang that dog." Ignoring the disobedient dog she gave the horse a kick, "HI HO ROGUE!!!!!" Rogue the horse with Calamity Jen on his back jumped the meager wooden fence into the swarming cattle. Julie continued to fire pucks. Only 2 of the five towers were still standing. Marla continued to play the bagpipes. Katherine watched from the telescope relaying hits and misses to Julie. "How do you people say it here?" Julie turned for a second to face Chris In the Hood. "Ah da I know.GET IN DA GAME!"
?"Pardon? Ye'll have ta speak up!" yelled Captain Katherine.
"I vasn't talkink to you, I vas--Boshe moi!" Julie the Fearless abruptly stopped. "Ver did she go?!"
Marla choked on her bagpipes. "HWAA'?!" The space Chris In the Hood had just occupied was empty. They looked around: no trace.
"Shiver me timbers!" muttered Captain Katherine. "Aye, back to yer posts, me mateys! Calamity Jen be needin' ar help! Twenty degrees to port, Fearless!"
*****
Calamity Jen thundered after Tessa, making sure to steer Rogue clear of Julie's line of fire.
"Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow," she sang to herself, as she hied the herd to the gate.
"Mmm! Crunchy!" she added, directing Tessa & Digby. "Hey, wassat, fellas?" she asked out loud, spotting a jeep heading her way. She looked a little harder, and before long, made out the sigil of -- "The varmints! Git along, y'all! Hurry! Ya!" shouted Calamity Jen. If she could just beat them to the gate... PING! A bullet ricocheted off a rock at Rogue's feet.
"Whoa, boy!" she yelled, pulling Rogue back. She looked around: the guard in the tower closest to her had cleverly assumed some headphones. "Danged walkmans! Wrate some poetry!" She ducked as another bullet whizzed by her ear. The cattle around her started to scatter.
"Aw, shoot!" Jen said, wheeling Rogue around. " Tessa! Digby! Go, dawgs, go!" Calamity Jen tried to wrassle the herd in the direction of the gate, but between the shots, the music, and the barnyard animals, she was running out of time.
Kapeeing Another bullet rifled off a near by rock as Calamity Jen and Rogue veered hard right trying to steer the herd out of the corral. "Tessa.whoop girl whoop. Digby.DIGBY!" Looking about Jen could see her faithful Beagle running full out across the plains on the scent no doubt of some prairie hare or something. "Dang it dawg.we git a job ta do!" Digby was off on his own mission. Captian Katherine elbowed Marla O'Marla in the ribs. "ARR.Them scurvy rats have gone and got themselves fancypancy ear thingys ta keep yer bagpipe wailing from distracting them." Marla stopped playing and looked up. "Och, ya meen mah playing tis not doin' a thing ta help?" Katherine nodded. "Arr..not anymore." Julie the Fearless shot off her last puck. "Nyet.none left. I can not take down da last tower. I have no more pucks." She looked about on the ground for anything she could use for ammunition. There was still 1 tower standing. Guards firing upon Calamity Jen as she tried to steer the herd away. "Perhaps we should help out our comrade?" They looked up to see Calamity Jen riding somewhat tilted in the saddle trying to avoid being shot. The cattle ran about in circles scared by the horse and rider, the dog, the gunfire. At least the bagpiping had stopped. "Thou doth have a good point my Russian comrade." Chris in the Hood went to the truck of the car. "I brought along my best armor, for just such a dire situation." The others stood mesmorized as Chris in the Hood dawned her armor. Two enormous padded leggings , a thick chest protector, a hard flat boarding along one forearm while the other are sported a webbed net. Lastly she pulled down a protective helmet with mask allowing her to see everything but offering great protection against their foes. The helmet was painted up to look very fierce with some kind of long legged angry looking desert bird standing in amongst a furious tornado. In her hand she held a long stick, much broader than the one Julie had been using. "I shall go and help Calamity Jen wrest these cattle form the hands of these evil men." Chris in the Hood announced as she started to run (rather awkwardly in all the gear) out into the corral. "Did anyya think that were a wee bit strange?" Marla O' Marla asked in her high pitched voice. Captain Katherine nodded as did Julie the Fearless. "We'd better see what we can do ta help then. Are ya with me lassies?" Captain Katherine nodded again as did Julie the Fearless.
"Awlrrright, then!" said O'Marla, becoming very serious. "Scottish Scholastic Psyche Slightly Huuuumerous Forrce!" ZAP!
"RUH-sian Ravenous Con-FU-sing Hiy-STIYCK-ing Force!" ZAP!
"Ar! Let's get something ta eat!" Julie and Marla stared at the Captain.
"Right! Swashbuckling Polymathetmatical Confusing Force!" ZAP!
"STRANGELY AMUSING FICTIONAL CREATIVE FORCE!" They shouted together!
ZAP!!
*****
Meanwhile, in a cattle enclosure not far away...
THUP!
"Huh?" Calamity Jen turned in her saddle. "That din't sound like no bullet."
"Hail, Calamity!" said Chris In The Hood, eyeing the guard while brandishing a webbed glove at him. Chris turned to Calamity Jen and dropped a bullet onto the ground. "If thou wilst free thy kine, I will impede the guard's bullets."
"Not a problem, y'all!" grinned Calamity. "Hi-YI! Double time, Rogue!"
Calamity easily wrested the cows back under her control, now that Chris in the Hood was drawing their fire with taunts and threats.
"Thou couldst not put one past me if I were struck blind!" Chris yelled, stopping a bullet with her stick.
"Your mother left thee unattended by the hearth too often!" Chris continued, making less and less modern sense, but more and more medieval sense.
"Hey!" said Calamity, reigning in her horse. "Do y'all feel the ground movin'?" Tessa was backing up on her paws, while Digby had suddenly stopped running in circles.
Calamity pulled Rogue's reins around to face the terrible sound that was getting louder with each passing moment. "Good golly..will yer look at that!.if that don't beat all the feathers outta tha featherduster."
Approaching Chris and Calamity was none other than the trio moving as one across the compound. Julie the Fearless and Captain Katherine were walking side by side while Marla O'Marla stood on their shoulders. It was a humid pyramid of terror. The guards stopped firing for the moment unsure if they should be scared or they should laugh.
Julie the Fearless was spinning her stick like a professional marching band's lead baton twirler. Her deep scary laughter echoed out across the plains as she hummed the theme song to Hawaii Five-O. Marla O'Marla was whipping her stick around about her head like a helicopter. (She was making the whoop whoop whoop sounds too which made it even more scary). Captain Katherine was jabbing forward as if her stick had become the world's most deadly bayonet.
The only problem with the deadly pyramid was that Captain Katherine was taking longer strides than Julie the Fearless and the pyramid of doom was walking slightly to the left.
"Arrr.something be wrong with me rudder!" she cried out. "The waves be pulling us to the left."
"Waves?" Marla repeated. "Och there ain't no waves ya silly swashbuckler. How many times da we haft ta tell yee. This here be land!"
Julie ignored them both and continued to hum. She flung her stick up in the air and then caught it again and continued spinning.
Calamity Jen and Chris In The Hood stood in shock.
"What in tarnations are they playing at?" Calamity Jen said.
"I think their intentions be of the best of heart but their execution is somewhat unorthodox." Chris explained.
"Agreed." Calamity Jen replied. The cattle along with the remaining guards were frozen. They had all stopped running to watch the weird four legged, four armed, three headed beast walk towards them. Calamity Jen took the opportunity to go after the lead cow. A heffer named Wild Betty. If she could only rope Betty then she'd be able to lead the herd out of the corral and onto the safety of the open plain. "Tessa! Go dawgs.there she is!" Tessa took off after Wild Betty. Nipping at her heels she steered the cow towards Calamity.
The pyramid was making its was over to the last remaining gun tower. The guards had started firing again and the trio took to deflecting the bullets with their mighty sticks-a-twirling
Chris looked up to see the mighty Wild Betty heading right at her.
"Chris!" Calamity Jen shouted. "Watch out!"
But Chris in the Hood was already in springing action: employing her finely- honed knowledge of bovine behaviour, she dropped to the ground, playing dead.
"Ahh! Ah cain't watch!" squeaked Calamity Jen, averting her eyes as Betty charged over Chris' body.and tripped (!), sliding on her chin for several feet. Chris had played dead after stacking her pads!
She didn't have long to celebrate however, as she speedily got up, ripped off her helmet, then yanked her red jersey up over her head, throwing it onto Marla O'Marla's Helicopter o' Doom.
"Here!" shouted Chris.
"Och, crrapp!" Marla shouted back between whoops, as she spun her stick faster and faster in an effort to whip it off. Wild Betty, meanwhile, had just gotten to her feet, and was following the movement of the whirling red cloth with a progressively angrier and angrier expression.
"Move it!" yelled Julie the Fearless, just before she switched to humming Axel F. "Move it! Move it!! MOOVE IT!!" But she only infuriated Wild Betty more, for she now thought she was challenged by a fellow cow, though a very strange looking one.
"HURRY! Hurry hard to starboard!!!" shouted the Captain frantically, as Wild Betty charged to their left, then to their right, then left, then right again.
"HAH STICK 'ER, FEARLESS!" yelled Calamity Jen, whirling her lasso over her head.
"Aye, what she sayeth!"
Wild Betty dodged to the Human Pyramid's left, avoiding Captain Katherine's hockey spear, following the jersey on O'Marla's helicopter. Julie the Fearless twirled her stick around her shoulder and slammed it down onto Betty's head, stunning her just long enough for the Captain to jab her stick up Betty's nose!
"Ewww! Cuwww snot!" winced Marla. Captain Katherine and Julie the Fearless' expressions communicated the same sentiment.
"AWNNGG!" mooed a distressed Betty, looking as much like a cow about to sneeze as a cow can.
"It's a bonnie material." O'Marla continued, ".BUT IT'S NOCHHT OATMEAL!!"
"Good job, y'all!" congratulated Calamity Jen, throwing her lasso. The Captain yanked out her stick just as the rope settled around Wild Betty's neck.
"Aye think aye'll be retirin' this wun," she said. The Human Pyramid of Terror again made its way towards the remaining tower, while Calamity Jen guided Betty to the gate. The rest of the herd followed lemmingly behind her, and Calamity Jen let out a whoop as she opened the gate and led the cattle through. Moments later, she whooped again as she heard the crash that signified the final tower's destruction.
"Well done, Calamity!" grinned Chris in the Hood, who had been shielding her from gunfire.
"Thank ye kindly, Hood." said Calamity Jen, tilting her cowboy hat. Tessa and Digby were just droving the last few stragglers through the gates when the jeep Calamity had spotted earlier pulled up.
Surprisingly, only one figure stepped out of the vehicle, and it wasn't a varmint. Calamity Jen's expression hardened as she recognized the driver, and she put a hand on her Colt.
"What business d'y'all got here, ya claim-jumper?" she asked.
"You...YOU!..YOU!!!!" the woman shouted at Calamity. "YOU STOLE MY CATTLE!"
Marla' O'Marla leaned over the Julie. "Is that the Sheriff of Newtonbrook?"
"Da" Julie replied.
"I stole YOUR cattle?" Calamity replied. "They weren't yer cattle ta begin with, ya cow-wrassling coot!" Calamity's hand still rested on her gun. "I'm setting them there cows free ta roam the plains as all cows should not be prisoners of some spineless, ignoranoumous."
"Uh..I think you mean ignorant.or ignoramus." Chris corrected
Calamity Jen rolled her eyes at Chris. "I tells ya what Sheriff.I'll fight ya for the herd."
"Fight?" The Sheriff repeated nervoudly. "I'm not fighting any backwater hick with no manners. I tried benching ya.and it didn't work.this time yer fired..get off my team."
"Fired?" Chris in the Hood said looking at Calamity. "Thou mean thou didst indeed work for the Sheriff?"
"Yup." Calamity Jen hung her head. "Indeed I did.but tain't no more..not since I learned the error of my ways. I'm through with cattle rustling, unless it be in the name of justice and the freedom for all bovinity."
"She be just making up all sorts of words now isn't she." Marla whispered again.
"Da." Julie replied.
"So will ya fight me?" Calamity Jen said again challenging the Sheriff to a duel.
"I.er..um..left my fighting guns in my other pants." The Sheriff replied. "But don't think that once I get my team back up and running I won't be coming after you AND yer pack of friends here." She turned to face the others. "You all picked a bad person to be friends with.she'd gonna bring nothing but trouble your way." With those final parting words the Sheriff jumped back I into her car and sped away in a cloud of dust.
Calamity Jen turned back and watched the cattle they had freed scatter across the open plains as happy as cows could be. She turned back to face the others. "I just wanna tell y'all that the Sheriff is right. She'll get a new gang tagether and then be coming right back afta' me." She gave them all a nod of thanks. "I couldn't have rescue them cows without y'all. My thanks. I'd better be off now.the suns a -setting and I have ta make sure that this ends with the stereotypical cowboy ending.a horse and rider siloutetted against the sunset." She swing her leg up climbed up on top of Rogue.
The others exchanged looks of confusion as they heard Calamity start humming the theme song to "Bonanaza" as she rode slowly away.
"Are we going to let this knight fight the good fight alone?" Chris in the Hood finally asked the others.
"Da..I mean Nyet." Julie the fearless said brandishing her stick in the orangey light of the sinking sun.
"Och.I'll bring me bagpipes and play those wee willy wrong-doers into their wee shallow graves." Marla O Marla squeaked.
"Aye, this sea be full of turmoil, but I shant let evil send my shipmates to see Davy Jones if I can help it. This ship sails stronger with a strong crew."
"How many times do we have to tell you, YOU'RE ON LAND!" They all said in unison.
They all gave a hearty chuckle.
"Wait up Calamity." Chris in the Hood called out. Calamity Jen stopped as they all ran up to her. "Through the brightest days and darkest nights of we pledge to thee our help.
"Our sticks!"
"Our bagpipes!"
"Our sturdy sea legs and ability to navigate the sea by the stars."
They all gave Katherine another look. She smiled sheepishly.
Calamity Jen climbed down off her horse. "Are y'all trying ta say that yah wanna help me fight the bad guys?"
"Yes!" Chris said triumphantly. "Right the wrong, thump the villains, triumph over evil and most of all."
The others all stared in anticipation of this last great revelation.
"PLAY HOCKEY!" Chris shouted in excitement.
"Woohoooooo!" Calamity Jen shouted firing "Now who's up fer a little sand hockey."
The sun sank slowly in the west and to those passer-bys who looked out across the open plains they saw a strange sight indeed : the siliouetted figures of five women playing hockey, a horse, two dogs and a herd of free- roaming cattle. THE END (or is it...?)
But in Calgary, Alberta, the weather was fine, and *CALAMITY JEN* was getting ready to bring the cows home!
"Moo!" said the cattle.
"YEE HAA!" said Calamity Jen. "Y'all 'd better hurry on up! 'Cause I gotta meet mah ro-de-o buddies down at the Prickly Pear! C'mon, git, ya varmints!" Calamity Jen pulled out her gun and fire a shot into the air. "Didn't y'all hear what I said..now GIT!"
the cattle scattered heading for downtown Calgary as Calamity Jane trotted off to the Prickly Pear Saloon. Along the way she muttered to herslef..
"sheesh...ya go to all the trouble of rustling those cattle away from the hands of them there beef cattling varmits and try to get it inta their think skulls that they be free cattle now and they stand there all dumba and stupid looking at ya."
She hosltered her side arm and climb down off her horse. "All in a days work for a champion pro-vegetarian cattle activist!" She sighed and went in for a drink.
The saloon doors creaked open, and CJ chinked her way inside. She could see dozens of characters sitting at the tables, lined up at the bar, and she could hear the piano playing somewhere in the corner. Squinting as only a true Calgary cowgirl can, she surveyed the saloon, searching for her sisters.
"Y'ar!" said CAPTAIN KATHERINE, leader of the Saucy Mare. "We be over here, says I!"
"Da!" agreed JULIE THE FEARLESS.
"Hwat tookk yah so lllong, ye cow-pushin' soy eaterrrr!" said MARLA O'MARLA. "Julie h'almost chewwed off her arrrm in hungerrr!"
"Da!" agreed Fearless Julie.
"Ah was rescuin' some cows from the slaughter!" said Calamity Jen, taking a seat. "If'n y'all were so hungry, ya coulda ordered before me! It's not like--" The slam of the saloon bar interrupted her, and abruptly, everyone went quiet. "By the banshee's wailing" Marla o'Marla gasped. "What the bloody heck was that?" They all turned and looked at the saloon doors, the door swinging back and forth in the mis autum breeze. "Bansheeee! Tis in deed true." Marla O'Marla said again this time in a whisper as she looked nervously about the room for the unseen spectre. "Nyet." Julie the Fearless replied." Dat be the sound of a Great Siberian Bear's uh...growling...it's..." She ponted at her stomach repeatedly and looked at the others. "It's tummy is growling?" Captain Katherine added, her large black seafaring hat sliding forward over her eyes. "Da!" Julie the fearless nodded her head. "Da growling of da bear's tummy...that be the sound." "Naw...none of y'all are right...it's only the fair prarie breeze" Calamity Jen interrupted the groups asessment of the odd sound from the saloon doors "...whatcha'll beeen drinkin'?" She leaned in to look at the drinks that sat on the small table. "Gut rot...mm..the best stuff." They all heard the soudn again. This time louder. "I tell ya tis the wail of the Banshee." "Nyet..bears..and grumbling of tummies." "ARrrr..I think this here salooon's hit a rock. The sounds of land ho breaking apart the hull of this feisty steadworthy craft it be." "Captian...we ain't on no boat. This here is the dirt and sand of the grand northwest. Ya'll gottin yerselves pickled, hearing strange sounds...now git back to yer drinkin'" They all heard the sound a third time. This time it rattled the walls. Calamity Jen drew her colt 47. "Outside?" she asked the others They all nodded and prepared to investigate the sounds outside. The doors slammed open again, as Fearless Julie strode out onto the road. "Come, my drunken friends!" she ordered. Calamity Jen sprang out next, while Captain Katherine and Marla O'Marla followed in a more wobbly way.
"Och! Does it *al*weys haff to be so brright in Calllgery?!" said O'Marla, shielding her eyes.
"Y'ar! We be land-locked! We *have* come too far ashore!" (Captain Katherine did not suffer so much from the sun, since one of her eyes was patched.) "No wonder the ground's bin swayin' all this time!"
"It is good! Dere is MUCH food to be eaten here!" As if on cue, Julie's stomach growled again.
"Mah cows!" yelled Calamity Jen, "Where'd mah cows go? They were right here a mite ago! Jules, y'all didn't eat 'em, did ya?"
"Nyet! Dere ver no cows ven I came outside!" scowled Julie, with her stomach accompanying.
"Well, they were *jest* here! A whole herda cattle cain't jest disappear like a rabbit inta a hole!"
"PIRATES!" roared Captain Katherine, rattling her sabre as her hat slipped over her eyes. "A head of cattle'll fetch three gold crowns in New Guinea! Back inside! *I'll* captain *this* ship, capture those scurvy devils and keel haul them till they act like normal!" "Pardon me." Everyone froze and turned toward the voice. "Pardon me, but it looks as if you folks have misplaced your bovine assembly. Now I may be in possession of some intelligence concerning their whereabouts, which I'd be willing to divulge to you...for the right amount of fiscal compensation, of course." "By the Ghost of Davy Jones!" Captain Katherine exclaimed. "I know that visage.tis none other than Christina In The Hood." "Yer not be referrrring ta Hood..the infamous outlaw of the great forrrest." Marla O' Marla added. "Da master of da great longbow?" Julie the Fearless said, taking one step back? "She certainly talks in the high tongue of my old landlocked kinsmen." Captain Katherine had her hand on the hilt of her sword while she swayed back and forth in the breeze. "Yup. That mighten just be the wolfshead who stories of theivin' reached even 'cross the sea. I remember stories of Hood back before I git taught to rope mah first steer." Calamity Jen handled her pistol gingerly. Christina In The Hood was a legend. "I reckon we'd best not cross her............ unless she's willing ta cross me first." The last part Calamity Jen mutttered under her breath. "Be calm, my friends." Christina In The Hood replied. "I mean no harm to any of thee but merely wish to knowith if you wish to exchange information in regards to your expansive bovine assembly for some.." Christina In The Hood jingled the pouch around her waist. "..for some gold coins. A person in my business hath many a mouth to feed. The merry peasants become increasing less pleasant with ere day that passes with no food to eat." "Arr.Tis true then?" Captain Katherine asked. "Robbing the rich.like a fellow pirate!" Captain Katherine smiled and relaxed, just before she toppled over, still unsteady on her feet being on land. "Alas.unlike the crusty seafaring life you lead.I do not keep what I steal but pass the goods from those who have too much to those who do not have enough." Christina In The Hood helped Captain Katherine to he feet. "You'da make a GREAT communist Madum Hoood." Julie the Fearless took a deep bow. Christina In The Hood returned the bow. "Dosvedanya." Julie the Fearless replied impressed at the newcomer. "So what of my herd then?" Calamity Jen replied with her hands on her hips, still reluctant to take her fingers off her Colt. "Ah yes.well.." Christina In The Hood jingled her purse and smiled at Calamity Jen. Calamity Jen's face frowned. "I ain't got nothing more than the pistol at my side and the boots on mah feet." She drew her gun and pointed it at Christina In The Hood. "I also ain't in no mood ta play games. Tell me where mah dern cattle are ya varmit. If'in them beefeaters gottem back there's gonna be hell ta pay.so swears Calamity Jen."
"Peace, friend," said Chris In Hood, raising her hand. "If what you say is true, I will gladly tell you where they are." Calamity Jen narrowed her eyes and lowered her gun a little.
"Whatchya'll mean, if what ah say is true? You callin' me a liar?"
"Nay, Calamity Jen, I only thought someone in possession of such a large herd would have been...charitable...to one such as myself." said Chris In Hood, gravely. "Save, you said this isn't your herd."
"Tha's rite, it ain't! Ah rescued those cattle from the slaughter an' set 'em free down here (in *fine* rootin' tootin' fashion, ah might add!" said Calamity Jen, tipping her cowboy hat).
"Then my friends, we must be off! The SHERIFF OF NEWTONBROOK has your cows, and being the churl that she is, will be very eager to sell them back to their owners. To Alberta's seas--"
"(Ar!)"
"--of wheat!"
"Och!" interrupted Marla O'Marla, as the group turned to dash off. "We'll tayk mah carrr. Ah 'pulled it over while yew were jabberin' away, ye lit- speakin' word-monkeys!"
*****
An hour later, our five heroes had sped back north out of Downtown Alberta to the farms which lay outside.
"In Russia, ve vould have SKAYted to this nogoodnickov." said Julie the Fearless.
"Ar! Seafaring be not *crusty*!" said Captain Katherine, finally catching on. Chris In Hood tried hard not to smile.
"In fact, dat is how I came to be in dis contry!" continued Julie, as mysteriously, a violin began to play in the background. "I vas chasing a stray puck," said her voice (for this was the requisite voiced-over flashback scene), "vich my brozer had shot vide of ze net. I skated far and vide looking for it, but could not find it." The other passengers sniffled as they listened on. "One day, I found dat I had skated over your feeble Bering Strait into Alaska. Ze wezer was varmer dan home, but I vould haf been lost, had you not found me, Comrade." "That there be a facinatin' story Fearless." Calamity Jen said as she continued to watch out the car window for her emancipated herd. "You know all, if we don't be getting' my herd back from that vermit sheriff all them cattle'll be killed." "Aye.sent to Davy Jones's Locker." Captain Katherine added. "I be less worried aboot the wee cow an more aboot the boonie lass Calamity." Marla O'Marla whispered to Chris in the Hood. "She be a bit freakish when it come ta bein' a veggiesaurian." "Wha' wassat?" Calamity Jen popped her head up from the backseat. She raised and eyebrow. "Y'all got a problem with my ..my.whacamacallit." "You choice of lifestyle?" Chris in the Hood replied. "YA! That's it. So I ain't inta eatin' cattle, nor piggies for that matta.not even suure I'd eat anything that could look me in the eye, rightly." Calamity Jen gave them all evil glares with one eyebrow raised. No one was scared. In fact, Julie the Fearless went so far as to laugh out loud. "Don't be worryin' yer poor wee heed." Marla O'Marla soothed. "We'll find the poor beasties." "COW HO!" Captain Katherine shouted. Everyone's attention turned to the left side where Captain Katherine had sighted a vast sea of cattle. "Tis them!" Marla O'Marla exclaimed. "Saints be prasied. You've gone and done it Chris In The Hood." Calamity Jen fired a few happy shots off in the air. "Mah cattle.woohoooooo! Quick pull over." Marla O' Marla pulled the car onto the side of the road. That's when they all saw the sign. "Property of the Sheriff of Newtonbrook. Tresspassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again." Looking out across the ranch they could see many towers spead out over the land "Well, doesn't that bite the biscuit." said Calamity Jen, which was more or less what her four friends were thinking, too.
"Fellows, her vertical stronghold is formidable, but retreat would not sit well with me." said Chris in the Hood.
"Och, we weren't thinkin' a givin' up, Chrrris in the Hood, but we cannae just waltz in therrre, git Calamity Jen's kine, and waltz oot!" countered Marla O'Marla.
"Ve must come up vith a strategy!" added Julie the Fearless.
"Fearless is right." said Calamity Jen. "If'n we don't hurry up, those cow- killin' varmints'll show up, pay the Sheriff, an' take off! Ah don't wanna hafta steal 'em back all over agin! An' if they hain't got enough cash on 'em, they might jest give summa them cattle to the Sheriff ta eat herself. Ah'll admit, ah'm good, but not good enough ta be in two places at once."
"Highly fed and lowly taught!" scowled Chris in the Hood.
"Avast! Hwhy don't we liken ourselves to Odysseus?" asked Captain Katherine. "When the greatest sailor of 'em all was trapped, ar, in the Cyclops' cave, he put out his eye, hid amongst the sheep, and escaped back to the ocean. Aye, he war a man of many ways!"
There was silence in the group as they all stared at the Captain "Huh?" Calamity Jen said. "Them's purdy words yer saying but I sure as heck don't get one worda what ya jest said." "I tink da Keptin is trying to say that vee should put dere eye's out.take out da towers so dey kent see us stealing da herd beck." "Och I see now. If we knock down those mighty towers then we'll have moreofa chance ta get those wee coo's away withou' bein' seen." "One small point. How's we gunna knock them towers down?" "Ah. You doth have a good point." They all looked at the five towers they could count inside the Sheriff of Newtonbrook's compound. The five towers stood tall and alone on the prarie plains. They men up top could have seen the group coming from a mile away. In fact they were probably wondering right now why there was a stopped car with five strangely dressed individuals standing at the compound fence. Captain Katherine pulled a long contraption out from her jacket.
"We might be seein' a bit further with th' help of this." It was a telescope and the good Captain peered through the lens to get a better look at the closest tower. "What kin ya see?" Marla asked nervously. "Arrr.I see...I seee...DUCK!" "Ducks?" They all said as the Captain dove to the ground. A clear gun shot rang out through the air and kapeened off the fencing just to the right of them. Everyone dove to the dirt. "Hoo-ee! Looks like we got a fahyer-fight!" grinned Calamity, ducking around the side of the ar. "'Least we don't hafta worry 'bout bein' seen no more!" "Canst thou not use your firearm, Jen?" asked Chris in the Hood. "Sorry, Hood, but ah left all mah ammo back at the Prickly Pear, an' ah fired summa mah rounds when we done got here. Ah only got three left." "Have no fear, comrades, if dey vant a battle, dey vill have one!" said Fearless Julie, stonily. She whipped out Marla O'Marla's hockey stick and a bag of pucks. "If'n ya don't mind, Fearless, ah think ah'll add mah gun t'yours." Said Calamity Jen, sighting the towers over the trunk of the car. Julie the Fearless nodded. "Keptin, if you please." She said, indicating the towers with her stick as she lined up the pucks. "Aye, Fearless." The good Captain whipped out her telescope again, sighting the towers over the hood. "Five degrees to starboard, 1500 yards off the port bow!" Fearless Julie wound up and CLAP! A mighty boom was heard a split second after the puck screamed between the fence and sped to the tower. "Ach, dinnae rrruin mah blaayyyde!" CRACK! Fearless Julie's puck split the wooden support leg of the first tower, and our five heroes watched as it groaned, wobbled, then crashed to the ground. "Thar she goes!" crowed the Captain, just before she ducked behind the car again, as the remaining four towers began to fire in earnest. "Aw, cripes! They're scarin' mah cattle!" said Calamity, watching her friends mill around the field. "Four more t'go, sailors! Then a bottle of rum!" encouraged Captain Katherine. "Ay kent shoot iyf dey fire gons at me ven I stand up!" said Julie the Fearless, frustrated. "Och! The CATT'le!" exclaimed Marla O'Marla, pulling a spidery-looking instrument from her car. "Aw'll pleyyy mah bagpipe an' stampede 'em to the towerrrs!" Marla O'Marla breathed in deep and began to play. Unfortunately for them all, Marla really didn't have any idea how to play the bagpipe and the hideous wailing that come out from the bagpipes drowned out the sounds of Julie's slapshots, the cracking of the pillars holding the towers up and the hundreds of stampeding cattle.
"AVAST YA SCRUVEY PINT SIZED SWABBY. I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF THINK!" Captain Katherine made a dash for the Scottish pixie who easily sidestepped the attack and continued to play. "She doth need lessons methinks." Chris said to Calamity Jen. "WHAT?!" Calamity Jen yelled back, her hands clamped over her ears as she watched her cattle running about in all directions. "Y'all keep 'em distracted like an I'll round up them prairie coo's" Calamity Jen turned and whistled, her two fingers placed between her lips. Out of seemingly nowhere they all saw a black horse and what appeared to be a small beagle and another yellow husky-looking dog. They all ran towards the group. Marla continued playing as loudly and off key as possible. Through the telescope the Captain could see the men station in the towers clutching their hands over their ears while tying to keep upright despite the waivering of the towers. "AR.the plan be working methinks.uh." a bullet richoched off the fence post near by the group. "Or maybe 'tis not." She shrugged. The three animals finally reached the group and Calamity Jen swung herself up onto the horse. "Listen up cowpokes!" she yelled trying to be heard over Marla's wailing. Julie the Fearless ignored her still trying to take pillar by pillar out with the hockey pucks. There weren't many pucks left. "I'm gunna ride in thar with my doggies and round up them ponies." "I tho you said they were coo's?" Marla stopped playing to ask. Calamity Jen gave her a sideways glare. "I need y'all to keep them cow rustler off mah back 'till I ken git this herd under control." "On Tessa." the yellow dog took off into the herd of cattle barking at the cows. "On Digby" the beagle looked up at Jen and then peeled out in the opposite direction running about in circles no where near the cattle." Jen rolled her eyes. "Dang that dog." Ignoring the disobedient dog she gave the horse a kick, "HI HO ROGUE!!!!!" Rogue the horse with Calamity Jen on his back jumped the meager wooden fence into the swarming cattle. Julie continued to fire pucks. Only 2 of the five towers were still standing. Marla continued to play the bagpipes. Katherine watched from the telescope relaying hits and misses to Julie. "How do you people say it here?" Julie turned for a second to face Chris In the Hood. "Ah da I know.GET IN DA GAME!"
?"Pardon? Ye'll have ta speak up!" yelled Captain Katherine.
"I vasn't talkink to you, I vas--Boshe moi!" Julie the Fearless abruptly stopped. "Ver did she go?!"
Marla choked on her bagpipes. "HWAA'?!" The space Chris In the Hood had just occupied was empty. They looked around: no trace.
"Shiver me timbers!" muttered Captain Katherine. "Aye, back to yer posts, me mateys! Calamity Jen be needin' ar help! Twenty degrees to port, Fearless!"
*****
Calamity Jen thundered after Tessa, making sure to steer Rogue clear of Julie's line of fire.
"Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow," she sang to herself, as she hied the herd to the gate.
"Mmm! Crunchy!" she added, directing Tessa & Digby. "Hey, wassat, fellas?" she asked out loud, spotting a jeep heading her way. She looked a little harder, and before long, made out the sigil of -- "The varmints! Git along, y'all! Hurry! Ya!" shouted Calamity Jen. If she could just beat them to the gate... PING! A bullet ricocheted off a rock at Rogue's feet.
"Whoa, boy!" she yelled, pulling Rogue back. She looked around: the guard in the tower closest to her had cleverly assumed some headphones. "Danged walkmans! Wrate some poetry!" She ducked as another bullet whizzed by her ear. The cattle around her started to scatter.
"Aw, shoot!" Jen said, wheeling Rogue around. " Tessa! Digby! Go, dawgs, go!" Calamity Jen tried to wrassle the herd in the direction of the gate, but between the shots, the music, and the barnyard animals, she was running out of time.
Kapeeing Another bullet rifled off a near by rock as Calamity Jen and Rogue veered hard right trying to steer the herd out of the corral. "Tessa.whoop girl whoop. Digby.DIGBY!" Looking about Jen could see her faithful Beagle running full out across the plains on the scent no doubt of some prairie hare or something. "Dang it dawg.we git a job ta do!" Digby was off on his own mission. Captian Katherine elbowed Marla O'Marla in the ribs. "ARR.Them scurvy rats have gone and got themselves fancypancy ear thingys ta keep yer bagpipe wailing from distracting them." Marla stopped playing and looked up. "Och, ya meen mah playing tis not doin' a thing ta help?" Katherine nodded. "Arr..not anymore." Julie the Fearless shot off her last puck. "Nyet.none left. I can not take down da last tower. I have no more pucks." She looked about on the ground for anything she could use for ammunition. There was still 1 tower standing. Guards firing upon Calamity Jen as she tried to steer the herd away. "Perhaps we should help out our comrade?" They looked up to see Calamity Jen riding somewhat tilted in the saddle trying to avoid being shot. The cattle ran about in circles scared by the horse and rider, the dog, the gunfire. At least the bagpiping had stopped. "Thou doth have a good point my Russian comrade." Chris in the Hood went to the truck of the car. "I brought along my best armor, for just such a dire situation." The others stood mesmorized as Chris in the Hood dawned her armor. Two enormous padded leggings , a thick chest protector, a hard flat boarding along one forearm while the other are sported a webbed net. Lastly she pulled down a protective helmet with mask allowing her to see everything but offering great protection against their foes. The helmet was painted up to look very fierce with some kind of long legged angry looking desert bird standing in amongst a furious tornado. In her hand she held a long stick, much broader than the one Julie had been using. "I shall go and help Calamity Jen wrest these cattle form the hands of these evil men." Chris in the Hood announced as she started to run (rather awkwardly in all the gear) out into the corral. "Did anyya think that were a wee bit strange?" Marla O' Marla asked in her high pitched voice. Captain Katherine nodded as did Julie the Fearless. "We'd better see what we can do ta help then. Are ya with me lassies?" Captain Katherine nodded again as did Julie the Fearless.
"Awlrrright, then!" said O'Marla, becoming very serious. "Scottish Scholastic Psyche Slightly Huuuumerous Forrce!" ZAP!
"RUH-sian Ravenous Con-FU-sing Hiy-STIYCK-ing Force!" ZAP!
"Ar! Let's get something ta eat!" Julie and Marla stared at the Captain.
"Right! Swashbuckling Polymathetmatical Confusing Force!" ZAP!
"STRANGELY AMUSING FICTIONAL CREATIVE FORCE!" They shouted together!
ZAP!!
*****
Meanwhile, in a cattle enclosure not far away...
THUP!
"Huh?" Calamity Jen turned in her saddle. "That din't sound like no bullet."
"Hail, Calamity!" said Chris In The Hood, eyeing the guard while brandishing a webbed glove at him. Chris turned to Calamity Jen and dropped a bullet onto the ground. "If thou wilst free thy kine, I will impede the guard's bullets."
"Not a problem, y'all!" grinned Calamity. "Hi-YI! Double time, Rogue!"
Calamity easily wrested the cows back under her control, now that Chris in the Hood was drawing their fire with taunts and threats.
"Thou couldst not put one past me if I were struck blind!" Chris yelled, stopping a bullet with her stick.
"Your mother left thee unattended by the hearth too often!" Chris continued, making less and less modern sense, but more and more medieval sense.
"Hey!" said Calamity, reigning in her horse. "Do y'all feel the ground movin'?" Tessa was backing up on her paws, while Digby had suddenly stopped running in circles.
Calamity pulled Rogue's reins around to face the terrible sound that was getting louder with each passing moment. "Good golly..will yer look at that!.if that don't beat all the feathers outta tha featherduster."
Approaching Chris and Calamity was none other than the trio moving as one across the compound. Julie the Fearless and Captain Katherine were walking side by side while Marla O'Marla stood on their shoulders. It was a humid pyramid of terror. The guards stopped firing for the moment unsure if they should be scared or they should laugh.
Julie the Fearless was spinning her stick like a professional marching band's lead baton twirler. Her deep scary laughter echoed out across the plains as she hummed the theme song to Hawaii Five-O. Marla O'Marla was whipping her stick around about her head like a helicopter. (She was making the whoop whoop whoop sounds too which made it even more scary). Captain Katherine was jabbing forward as if her stick had become the world's most deadly bayonet.
The only problem with the deadly pyramid was that Captain Katherine was taking longer strides than Julie the Fearless and the pyramid of doom was walking slightly to the left.
"Arrr.something be wrong with me rudder!" she cried out. "The waves be pulling us to the left."
"Waves?" Marla repeated. "Och there ain't no waves ya silly swashbuckler. How many times da we haft ta tell yee. This here be land!"
Julie ignored them both and continued to hum. She flung her stick up in the air and then caught it again and continued spinning.
Calamity Jen and Chris In The Hood stood in shock.
"What in tarnations are they playing at?" Calamity Jen said.
"I think their intentions be of the best of heart but their execution is somewhat unorthodox." Chris explained.
"Agreed." Calamity Jen replied. The cattle along with the remaining guards were frozen. They had all stopped running to watch the weird four legged, four armed, three headed beast walk towards them. Calamity Jen took the opportunity to go after the lead cow. A heffer named Wild Betty. If she could only rope Betty then she'd be able to lead the herd out of the corral and onto the safety of the open plain. "Tessa! Go dawgs.there she is!" Tessa took off after Wild Betty. Nipping at her heels she steered the cow towards Calamity.
The pyramid was making its was over to the last remaining gun tower. The guards had started firing again and the trio took to deflecting the bullets with their mighty sticks-a-twirling
Chris looked up to see the mighty Wild Betty heading right at her.
"Chris!" Calamity Jen shouted. "Watch out!"
But Chris in the Hood was already in springing action: employing her finely- honed knowledge of bovine behaviour, she dropped to the ground, playing dead.
"Ahh! Ah cain't watch!" squeaked Calamity Jen, averting her eyes as Betty charged over Chris' body.and tripped (!), sliding on her chin for several feet. Chris had played dead after stacking her pads!
She didn't have long to celebrate however, as she speedily got up, ripped off her helmet, then yanked her red jersey up over her head, throwing it onto Marla O'Marla's Helicopter o' Doom.
"Here!" shouted Chris.
"Och, crrapp!" Marla shouted back between whoops, as she spun her stick faster and faster in an effort to whip it off. Wild Betty, meanwhile, had just gotten to her feet, and was following the movement of the whirling red cloth with a progressively angrier and angrier expression.
"Move it!" yelled Julie the Fearless, just before she switched to humming Axel F. "Move it! Move it!! MOOVE IT!!" But she only infuriated Wild Betty more, for she now thought she was challenged by a fellow cow, though a very strange looking one.
"HURRY! Hurry hard to starboard!!!" shouted the Captain frantically, as Wild Betty charged to their left, then to their right, then left, then right again.
"HAH STICK 'ER, FEARLESS!" yelled Calamity Jen, whirling her lasso over her head.
"Aye, what she sayeth!"
Wild Betty dodged to the Human Pyramid's left, avoiding Captain Katherine's hockey spear, following the jersey on O'Marla's helicopter. Julie the Fearless twirled her stick around her shoulder and slammed it down onto Betty's head, stunning her just long enough for the Captain to jab her stick up Betty's nose!
"Ewww! Cuwww snot!" winced Marla. Captain Katherine and Julie the Fearless' expressions communicated the same sentiment.
"AWNNGG!" mooed a distressed Betty, looking as much like a cow about to sneeze as a cow can.
"It's a bonnie material." O'Marla continued, ".BUT IT'S NOCHHT OATMEAL!!"
"Good job, y'all!" congratulated Calamity Jen, throwing her lasso. The Captain yanked out her stick just as the rope settled around Wild Betty's neck.
"Aye think aye'll be retirin' this wun," she said. The Human Pyramid of Terror again made its way towards the remaining tower, while Calamity Jen guided Betty to the gate. The rest of the herd followed lemmingly behind her, and Calamity Jen let out a whoop as she opened the gate and led the cattle through. Moments later, she whooped again as she heard the crash that signified the final tower's destruction.
"Well done, Calamity!" grinned Chris in the Hood, who had been shielding her from gunfire.
"Thank ye kindly, Hood." said Calamity Jen, tilting her cowboy hat. Tessa and Digby were just droving the last few stragglers through the gates when the jeep Calamity had spotted earlier pulled up.
Surprisingly, only one figure stepped out of the vehicle, and it wasn't a varmint. Calamity Jen's expression hardened as she recognized the driver, and she put a hand on her Colt.
"What business d'y'all got here, ya claim-jumper?" she asked.
"You...YOU!..YOU!!!!" the woman shouted at Calamity. "YOU STOLE MY CATTLE!"
Marla' O'Marla leaned over the Julie. "Is that the Sheriff of Newtonbrook?"
"Da" Julie replied.
"I stole YOUR cattle?" Calamity replied. "They weren't yer cattle ta begin with, ya cow-wrassling coot!" Calamity's hand still rested on her gun. "I'm setting them there cows free ta roam the plains as all cows should not be prisoners of some spineless, ignoranoumous."
"Uh..I think you mean ignorant.or ignoramus." Chris corrected
Calamity Jen rolled her eyes at Chris. "I tells ya what Sheriff.I'll fight ya for the herd."
"Fight?" The Sheriff repeated nervoudly. "I'm not fighting any backwater hick with no manners. I tried benching ya.and it didn't work.this time yer fired..get off my team."
"Fired?" Chris in the Hood said looking at Calamity. "Thou mean thou didst indeed work for the Sheriff?"
"Yup." Calamity Jen hung her head. "Indeed I did.but tain't no more..not since I learned the error of my ways. I'm through with cattle rustling, unless it be in the name of justice and the freedom for all bovinity."
"She be just making up all sorts of words now isn't she." Marla whispered again.
"Da." Julie replied.
"So will ya fight me?" Calamity Jen said again challenging the Sheriff to a duel.
"I.er..um..left my fighting guns in my other pants." The Sheriff replied. "But don't think that once I get my team back up and running I won't be coming after you AND yer pack of friends here." She turned to face the others. "You all picked a bad person to be friends with.she'd gonna bring nothing but trouble your way." With those final parting words the Sheriff jumped back I into her car and sped away in a cloud of dust.
Calamity Jen turned back and watched the cattle they had freed scatter across the open plains as happy as cows could be. She turned back to face the others. "I just wanna tell y'all that the Sheriff is right. She'll get a new gang tagether and then be coming right back afta' me." She gave them all a nod of thanks. "I couldn't have rescue them cows without y'all. My thanks. I'd better be off now.the suns a -setting and I have ta make sure that this ends with the stereotypical cowboy ending.a horse and rider siloutetted against the sunset." She swing her leg up climbed up on top of Rogue.
The others exchanged looks of confusion as they heard Calamity start humming the theme song to "Bonanaza" as she rode slowly away.
"Are we going to let this knight fight the good fight alone?" Chris in the Hood finally asked the others.
"Da..I mean Nyet." Julie the fearless said brandishing her stick in the orangey light of the sinking sun.
"Och.I'll bring me bagpipes and play those wee willy wrong-doers into their wee shallow graves." Marla O Marla squeaked.
"Aye, this sea be full of turmoil, but I shant let evil send my shipmates to see Davy Jones if I can help it. This ship sails stronger with a strong crew."
"How many times do we have to tell you, YOU'RE ON LAND!" They all said in unison.
They all gave a hearty chuckle.
"Wait up Calamity." Chris in the Hood called out. Calamity Jen stopped as they all ran up to her. "Through the brightest days and darkest nights of we pledge to thee our help.
"Our sticks!"
"Our bagpipes!"
"Our sturdy sea legs and ability to navigate the sea by the stars."
They all gave Katherine another look. She smiled sheepishly.
Calamity Jen climbed down off her horse. "Are y'all trying ta say that yah wanna help me fight the bad guys?"
"Yes!" Chris said triumphantly. "Right the wrong, thump the villains, triumph over evil and most of all."
The others all stared in anticipation of this last great revelation.
"PLAY HOCKEY!" Chris shouted in excitement.
"Woohoooooo!" Calamity Jen shouted firing "Now who's up fer a little sand hockey."
The sun sank slowly in the west and to those passer-bys who looked out across the open plains they saw a strange sight indeed : the siliouetted figures of five women playing hockey, a horse, two dogs and a herd of free- roaming cattle. THE END (or is it...?)