First World Problems
Author's Note:
I don't own anything to do with H.I.V.E. in case anyone's wondering…
Nigel Darkdoom sniggered at the woeful creature in front of him. "Never thought I'd see the day."
"Be ready to pay up, Darkdoom," said Franz Argentblum loftily, also snorting at his (once) respected comrade.
Wing Fanchu took a deep breath. "It will be fine."
"That to yourself or him?"
The G.L.O.V.E. operative ignored his friends' sniggers and concentrated his efforts on the man of the hour, the man of the moment, the man who was curled up in a ball all the floor.
The woeful creature whimpered and began clawing at his snow-white hair.
Nigel sighed as he dropped a ten pound note into Franz open palm. "I knew he would go for the hair," Franz crowed. "How does it feel to be ten pounds poorer?"
"You mean how does the Shell CFO feel to be ten pounds poorer."
Wing frowned, momentarily distracted. "I still do not understand why you two gamble with other people's money. There is no risk or gain that way."
The gamblers looked away from each other and neglected to mention that they sometimes used Wing's money. Shhh it's a secret…
There was a knock at the door. Shelby Trinity entered in a cloud of dark blue silk and perfume.
"I thought I told you to get him ready," she hissed at her fiancé. "And you two. Tell me you've done something productive."
Franz gave the question some deep consideration. "We have been embezzling money from an oil executive."
"Not relevant, Franz! This is a very special day and I will not have anyone ruin it for me!"
Otto Malpense stopped rocking from side to side for a moment. "Shelby…you're only the maid of honour."
Hands were thrown up in exasperation. "That it may be, Malpense, but your wedding is merely a practice one for my own!"
Here we go, thought the Peanut Gallery.
"…and while Laura clearly isn't stressing over this, I am! And I want everything to be perfect after your disastrous proposal, Malpense."
Having been reminded of his impending doom, Otto resumed whimpering and rocked from side to side.
"All he has accomplished and the thought of marriage is causing a mental breakdown." Nigel shook his head.
Franz nodded in agreement. "It is not as if there will be a loss of liberty. Otto is not particularly scandalous anyway."
"I could have been!" cried the creature. "I could have done great things."
Franz winked at Wing. "Bucket list completed before the marriage, ja?"
Shelby resisted the urge to scream or stamp her feet or do something that would ruin the two hours and fifty three minutes of work on her nail, make-up, hair and tan. First World Problems.
"How is Laura?" asked the best man. "She is not stressing, is she?"
Shelby Trinity concealed a sigh. Laura had been complacent enough until she noticed the lack of an Xbox in her wahey!-last-night-of-not-being-married bedroom. "I'M GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T GET ME AN XBOX," etc. Three of the hotel staff had been reduced to tears while a certain reliable gossip spread rumours about the divorce papers hiding in a drawer. One must have a hobby.
"Compared to Otto, babe, she's off for a walk in the park."
Otto, meanwhile, had crept over to the window to spy on the departing wedding guests. A group containing a short haired woman, a cat and a bald man were roaring with laughter. A persistent voice in the back of his head muttered they knew he was such a fool. His paranoia imagined the busload of red-haired Brand relatives doing the same thing. His reputation was ruined (as long as no-one spread rumours about the stag).
"…and you should have seen him at the stag! All Laura's cousin kept pretending their guns were misfiring. Otto's shirt was all multi-coloured but then he may have wet himself…"
Too late. Maybe paintballing hadn't been the best idea.
Shelby looked impatiently at her watch. "Get him up the aisle in time or FEAR MY WRATH." The Wraith disappeared the same way she came in – through the plain door and in a cloud of silk and perfume. Apparently spraying perfume was an alternative to attacking people and getting a chipped nail. First World Problems, indeed.
Nigel also looked at his watch. "Well, as the second groomsman it is my duty to chauffeur the bridesmaids to the church. Don't be too jealous."
Franz was affronted. "Why am I the third groomsman?" he wailed.
"Flipped for it," murmured Otto, who then wilted under Franz's subsequent glare. Franz then left, somewhat wider in girth than usual (he had stolen everything from the mini-fridge and charged it to Nigel's account).
Wing looked at his friend and patted his hair. "Do not be afraid, Otto. You are marrying the woman you love. It is not an end, but a beginning. A lease for a new life."
Otto took a deep breath. "You Hallmark plagiarised moment has slightly helped, Wing."
"Think of it like this, Otto," began Wing. "In comparison to everyone else, you will have the tamest wedding."
Otto resumed his position of rocking from side to side. "Because having Laura's crazy relatives hunt me down and try to do crazy things to me can be classified as tame."
Wing sighed. And brought out the big guns. "Shelby has been planning our wedding since the dawn of time. Franz's wedding will no doubt be hijacked by Nigel's mother and Nigel himself will have two weddings."
The woeful creature looked slightly less woeful. "Wait - two weddings?!"
The best man shrugged nonchalantly, inwardly sprinting towards the light at the end of the tunnel. "One for the friends and family at their family estate and the other for G.L.O.V.E. people they want to impress at some undisclosed location. Security reasons, apparently."
Otto was still puzzled. "Nigel doesn't even have a girlfriend." In denial in denial in denial in denial in denial…
"Shelby has been following Mrs Darkdoom around like a lost puppy to pick up tips. Shelby has actually had more power over your wedding than Laura."
Outside, the church bells tolled for eleven o'clock.
Growing tired of Wing's constant tapping of his watch, Otto sighed melodramatically. "If I must then." He rose with dignity (but the creases on his suit and tousled hair betrayed him).
"Want a last-minute drink before your very very very short-lived days as a bachelor are over?"
"Laura will eat me." Whipped.
Otto quickly checked that he hadn't forgotten anything (knife in shoe, small calibre gun in other shoe, garrotte in left sleeve and the small telecommunications device in his ear in case any of the patrols noticed anything). After the Winter Wedding Massacre, no sensible G.L.O.V.E. operative would take any chances…
He paused in the door to look back at Wing. "Thanks."
Wing smiled, knowing that one word signified hours worth of others. "Anytime."
They walked out together, through the hotel lobby that was full of caterers and frantic guests (that had overslept).
"I'm sort of surprised you didn't all drug me to get me out of there," mused Otto.
Oh Otto. If only you knew there were three syringes hidden on Wing's person. "I wouldn't do that to you, Otto," he lied easily.
"And the crazy Brand cousins won't do anything tonight, will they?"
Wing neglected to mention the midnight meeting between Otto's G.L.O.V.E. friends and said crazy Brand cousins (not to mention Laura's childhood sweetheart who vehemently disliked Otto with a passion). Wing had only agreed to attend in meeting in a vain hope to be moderating influence. Too late. "You'll be fine!" Lies.
"Are you sure, Wing?" said Otto suspiciously.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'YOU'VE LOST THE DRESS?!'" came a roar from the imperial suite.
Two of G.L.O.V.E.'s most feared and accomplished operatives looked at each other. And promptly sprinted away from Shelby Trinity's wrath.
One must learn to pick their battles.
Author's Note:
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