A/N: This story is a one-shot. That means it has only one chapter. I happen to like this story thought it is not something I would normally read myself. I think this is a rather depressing fic, but I've had others tell me they like it. I wrote it all in one sitting while trying to get my emotions out. This is the result.

DISCLAIMER: Gravitation belongs Maki Murakami.

WARNING: Yaoi. that means male on male relationship. or if you prefer... Shounen ai. either way, it means the same to me. No like, No read.

SUMMARY: Hiro's reminiscing of his past and Shuichi. Hey, who said they were never a couple. Also Hiro's thinking of Shu and Yuki's relationship. If you want to consider it somewhat of an AU because of the past, fine by me.

THINKING OF THE PAST

I sigh. I did it again. I had just gotten off the phone with my best friend, Shuichi Shindo. I could tell, by the way he sounded, that he was about to cry when I got off the phone. I always do that. Break my friend down to tears, I'm an ass to him. I tell him things about himself that he doesn't want to hear. He begins to think about it, then begins to hate himself for it. He says the way he is sickens him. But he can't help it. He wants to change the way he is, but he doesn't know how. He tells me this like I've never been in that postion myself.

Today, he got mad at me and another friend. He claimed that we didn't include him in anything. I wanted and tried to get him to join in, but he just walked away. When we wrote notes later in Math class, I discovered he just wanted to be left alone for now. It was like that American song, "I Just Wanna be Mad for a Little While." I've felt like that before, but when I tried to be mad, Shu just got frustrated because I didn't say anything when he apolagized.

The main point is, I understood where he was coming from, so I respected his wishes and left him alone. He sat behind me, so I heard him giggle when I made a mistake on the Math work aloud. I am usually the smartest in class and had to teach Shuichi how to do the lessons because he usually didn't understand, but it took me a bit to understand what the teacher was trying to say today. Shu began to say something to me, so I thought it would be OK and he was over his little anger fit. It nearly broke my heart when I heard what he had to say. It was just to put me down and make fun of me for my little mistake. He started to make fun of a girl who didn't understand the lesson at all. I knew he was making fun of her. He was whispering it in my ear. It really pissed me off.

I'm used to Shuichi placing people underneath him. It was alright for me. It was because Shu was nothing like he wanted to be. He always felt like he was the bottom of the chain, or so he told me. So he acted like he was superior than everyone else. He took it as if he felt superior, then he was superior. That didn't bother me. Actually, I agreed, as long as he didn't let it go to his head. But did he have to go and treat me like I was inferior too.

He kept asking me why I was so mad at him. I suppose it was just because I'm so used to it just being others who he made inferior. I was not expecting him to degrade me like that. The others weren't his friends, I was and still am. When I became freinds with him and Ky-kun, they always talked about the three of us being equal and the same as each other. No one can defeat us or put us down, not even each other. It would be a tie if we got in a fight. But here Shu was treating me like all the others. But I'm not like the rest. I'm his best friend. But I'm not just his best friend, I'm his lover.

Shuichi had once told me he loved me. Just once. I had been talking to his ex-boyfriend and he said he got all jealous. And that he loved me. Now it doesn't seem so. It seems as if Shuichi was just mistaken when he said that. He didn't love me, He wasn't jealous because I wasn't talking to him. He was jealous because his ex wasn't talking to him. That may be wrong but that's how I see it. He sure doen't seem like he loves me.

The only reason I hung up the phone was because my dad was yelling at me to get off the phone. I've always been scared to object to my father. Always scared that his temper would get the best of him, and he would beat me. So I quickly told Shu he wanted me off the phone. Shuichi hung up angrily. I silently regretted it.

Once again Shuichi had asked why I was mad at him today. I had to open my giant mouth and tell him, didn't I? Mind, I didn't tell him the whole thing. Mother was right there, so I skipped out the lover part. I left it at, "You always put people under you, and act superior to them, no matter who it is or what they are."

He automatically became disgusted with himself and I wished I hadn't said anything. I could tell he was trying to keep himself from crying. I hadn't meant to make him cry. He regarded real tears as a weakness, but not if they were fake and he just wanted something. This wasn't the first time this had happened. I trusted myself with him too easily, sometimes forgetting that he had his own problems. I loved him, and through this I thought I could tell him anything and he would understand. But I seemed to forget that it was only Shuichi and he didn't always understand. He is only human.

I dragged myself to my bedroom, the tears already starting to sting my own eyes. I heard my name being called with an angry rage as soon as I shut my door. I rashly wiped my eyes and ran into the family room. The only thing thing waiting there for me was my father to yell at me for not listening. But I seriously had not heard him tell me to cook dinner. This didn't help me any. If anything at all, it made my mood worse. I obediently, robotically began to cook. The tears finally rushed out. They fell silently, slowly onto the pan and while making a sizzling sound, evaporated quickly.

I was told three times that night that someone loved me. "I love you." they would say. This made my heart ache for some reason. It didn't take me long to figure out why the words hurt...If I couldn't believe the one true person that I really love when he tells me he loves me, then how could I believe anyone else when they told me? Or maybe it just hurt knowing so many people love me, but the one I really want didn't share the feelings?

Since that night, I haven't been able to love since.
... ... ...

Hiro sighed as he reminensced on his old past with Shuichi. Well, at least Shuichi finally loved someone who in turn accepted him back. Hiro smiled.

He still loved Shuichi, no doubt about that. Unfortunately, Shuichi did not return the feelings. And he has been much happier with Yuki than with Hiro. Seeing Shu so happy, hearing him talk about his love life, knowing someone actually made Shu feel special, smelling Shu's wonderful scent when he came near, it broke Hiro up inside. Knowing he could never be with that beautiful soul.

Hiro didn't understand why Shuichi thought he was ugly when he was younger. Shuichi was always breaking hearts.Whether it be male or female. And now he seemed to have made a living of it. Shuichi was wrong when he was younger. He had always been beautiful and always will be. Inside and out. Just ignorant to this information. Shuichi had a right to feel, act, and be superior. Hiro just didn't want it to go to Shuichi's head. He loved Shuichi too much for that to happen.

Hiro only went out with Ayaka for the same reason she went out with him. He discovered, that now there was Yuki, he could never again be with Shuichi. Ayaka had learned the same thing. Now that there was Shuichi, she could never again be with Yuki. Her and Hiro sought refuge and comfort through the other. But Hiro could never love Ayaka. Not how he loved Shuichi. No, he could never love again, not after Shuichi. Love was just a feeling he hated and didn't trust.

Hiro sucked it up and got ready for another long day of pain and heartache at work watching Shuichi pounce around. Maybe he would call Ayaka on his way there.

fin