Those Darling Nicknames
Summary: Draco and Hermione are obviously going to get together. I mean, it's written in the stars, and all that jazz. Plus, they have such darling nicknames for each other (not!)
A/N: This is my lame attempt at a D/Hr parody, as I just don't like them. JK pretty much shot them down too, so I feel no guilt in writing this. This also addressed that uber cliché-d 'potions partners' scene.
Draco Malfoy was furious. Okay, not furious, but he was a little miffed. How was he supposed to fall madly in love with the Mudblood if Professor Snape did not pair them up in potions? Now where would use all his witty repartees? He had been practicing a new sneer just for her, and now who would he use it on, Goyle? Not bloody likely! All his efforts had been wasted, just like the space in Weasels' head.
It was obvious that he and Granger were going to get together. They were the two smartest people in their class, and more importantly, the good girl (her) always fell for the bad boy (him). It was as glaringly prominent as that rather large zit on Lavender Brown's face. But noooo, Professor Snape just had to go and pair him up with Goyle. Now he could never lean seductively over Granger and speak in double entendres in a low and sexy voice. Sure, there was next class, but he was a Malfoy, they didn't wait for trivial things such as time.
Now she would never fall into his arms, or convert to the dark side, or call him 'her sexy ferret' and pull him into a secluded broom closet. Without this crucial meeting how could he call her 'muddie' in a disgustingly sweet voice, and she in turn would call him 'ferretey-poo.' They did have such charming nicknames, and now they would be wasted.
She must know why he called her those names. Surely by now she had realized that whenever he called her 'Mudblood,' or 'Half-Breed,' or 'Filthy little freak' he was really calling her 'snookums,' or 'pookie,' or 'sugar-booger.' Didn't everyone do that?
It seemed that Granger and the Weasel had been paired up. He pitied her, because he believed Weasel smelled something fierce! He looked on with apparent revulsion and observed with growing horror that they were leaning in, preparing to…kiss? He shrieked and rubbed his eyes furiously, moaning rather loudly about 'his virgin eyes.' Professor Snape barked at him to shut his pie hole, and he did so rather sullenly. He was now glad that Granger was not his partner, and that he was paired with good, old, non-kissing Goyle. He couldn't believe that someone could actually like the Weasel. But he quickly passed it off, after all, "filth attracts filth", as his father said.
Actually there was a lot of good in the situation now. He was now available for being pursued by that veela, Flore, or Flour, or whatever her name was. He was quite sure she was staring at him the entire feast last night. He couldn't blame her, after all, not only was he dashingly handsome, but he was filthy rich! What else could you ask for? He now concentrated on how he would suavely accept her unspoken offer to go to Hogsmeade, and in doing such, he added too many lacewig wings to the potion and turned Goyle into a chicken. Oh well, these things happen…
Fin