"Andrew Clemmensen?" The doctor shouted. I stood up and followed her through to the room feeling nervous, this is the first time I'm seeing a councillor, I never did it when I was younger or when I was in Short Stack because I didn't want anyone knowing, Shaun knew, but I doubt he'd never give a rats shit ever again. I
sat down on the chair as the doctor took her seat at her desk, pulling out her book and a pen. I just stared at the ground nervously, I had a weird feeling inside of me, what have I gotten myself into?
"Alright Andrew, today we're going to begin by talking about you, why did you come here today?"
I stared at her and began to speak, being careful by the words I say "I came to get help, emotional help. No one knows how I am. Only one person, who doesn't even care anymore because he's turned into a complete asshole."
"Who was this friend?"
"Shaun"
"What happened between you and Shaun?"
I breathed deeply and exhaled "Shaun and I were together, closer than any friends should be, to the point where we were in some sort of relationship, but it just failed to work time and time again, he moved on and got a girl and once our band, Short Stack broke up, my life seems to just be an even bigger roller coaster and Shaun got jealous of me, or scared, I don't know. But it all just fell apart"
"What happened to make Shaun upset?"
"I got offered a gig on Neighbours, to sing a song to start my solo career, find a label to work by to get me back to where I was, anything. But Shaun got upset, I don't know why since he was with the same label that I got kicked out of, he writes and records music, he can play shows, he goes on radio and tv to promote himself, he writes music with talentless artists to make them somewhat talented and then he calls me a sellout for having one thing, one gig on a show that not many people watch anymore"
"Maybe he could be like this because he's used to being the front man if I am correct?"
"Yes, you're correct, he was the lead singer and guitarist from the band"
"Now, before this day, had you ever been depressed?"
"About grade 5 is when bad thoughts came to my head, my parents got divorced and by grade 6, mum got re-married and I never really saw my dad, I got picked on for being short and skinny, in year 7 I was happy it was a new school, but I still got teased, I had a few friends, not many, but we drifted by year 8, and that's where I met Shaun, we both went through a lot of shit, my step brother did get shit for being friends with Shaun and such but, I don't know, a lot of things happened that I don't remember we'll anymore, it was almost ten years ago. I remembered getting back stabbed and bitched about when the band was getting bigger, everyone gave me looks, gave Shaun looks for how the lyrics were "emo" and it was a pretty dark time, I was happy when school was over but of course, it just became a struggle to get through the day at points." I just realised how pathetic I was, how all that affected me, I got thick skin from being in the band, it saved me at least 5 times, but now I'm lost. This is why I'm getting help.
"Andy, have you ever considered or have you harmed yourself in any way?" She said, she won't stop asking questions, she just asks and writes shit in her book. How is this suppose to help. There is nothing consoling about this, all I needed was someone.
"Yes...I have actually"
"Do you mind if I can see?"
I sighed and took my bracelets off, she ran her finger over my wrist, examining the cuts and scars carefully then wrote something in her book.
"So, what has happened for your wrist to be cut recently?"
"My ex, she cheated on me a couple months ago and now she's just always on my mind and consumes every thought and the way Shaun doesn't care it became to much"
"I see...that cut looks to have gone deeper" she said, pointing to one, the one I made a week ago.
"Yeah..."
"Have you ever tried committing suicide or have you had suicidal thoughts?"
I paused there, what was I to say? I thought about it for a couple of minutes, I need to get help and obviously the only way is by telling the truth.
"Yes"
"When?"
"I tried for the fourth time a week ago, second time this year, last tried before that a year ago, before that was during high school"
"Do those thoughts still get in your head?"
"Everyday"
"I see..." She kept writing in her book.
"Now, how is this going to help me?"
"This is only the first part of the treatment, I need to get to know you and your struggles and I'm here to help you vent"
"Alright" yeah, fuck this shit. I clearly need a friend, not therapy, there are friends and fans who care about me, but for fans to find out, would hurt them and my friends would probably just make it worse, like Shaun did. I'm just doomed.
"Well, you definitely do have some depression and maybe some anxiety. I'll get tests in next week for you to try. Do you ever have trouble sleeping or drink a lot of alcohol, eat too much or eat too less?"
"I always have a struggle to sleep and yes, I like to drink and my eating habits are all over the place"
"What do you mean 'all over the place'"
"I mean that some days, I sleep In too much, wake up and have a snack before going back to bed, sometimes I don't eat and sometimes I eat too much. It's weird"
"Not at all. And this girlfriend you had, did you love her?"
"I love her a lot, she was actually supportive until she cheated and then she laughed at me about the neighbours thing and also said that I'm pretty pathetic to be doing it, she agreed with Shaun. That was the weekend I went to Melbourne to record it and she came along, I was going to give we another go but it clearly just wasn't meant to be, I loved her"
"Love is the worst thing for people suffering depression"
"I know, but it's so hard, she was so beautiful" I looked down and felt my eyes sting from the tears of heart ache again. She was my savior for four months, then I lost her.
"Alright, well our time is up for today. Stay strong and come by next week so we can do some tests and other things, speak about your family issues some more and your insecurities just to bring out all the dark thoughts. If you need to see me earlier then come by my office, I'm here most of the time."
"Alright, see you"
"Bye darling"
I got up and walked out, back to the the car and drove to my new place. That has got to be the worst thing to ever happen to me, how does her knowing all my secrets help me. This isn't fair at all.
I walked into my empty house I had bought a month ago. It's nice though, I like being alone. I have no screaming mother or baby brother and sister annoying me. I can just relax with me, myself and I and let my thoughts consume my head again, how was anything to help me. When I have a smile on my face but darkness inside. No one will get it, especially Shaun. All I want is to be how I was, play for fans and feel all the darkness become lighter. To think Shaun would understand that, when he doesn't. I crashed on my couch and sighed, closing my eyes, I only got three hours sleep last night. I started to drift into my nap. The thoughts in my mind still talking to me.