'If I Were'
'The Prom' AU
Main Characters: Xander, and Anya, with another character
Plot: Inspired by the Stephen Lynch song, 'If I Were'
A/N: Well, I'm in a goofy mood. I'm a goofy guy. Goofiness abounds.
Disclaimer: I forgot this last time, but I don't own anything. Period, I'm like a hippie except I shower and have a job.
Damn hippes.
-
"Xander!"
Alexander Harris, friend of the slayer, devourer of Twinkies turned around to see. "Well, hey, it's demon Anya, punisher of evil males. Still haven't got your powers back?" He took a step back and eyed her curiously. "You haven't right?"
Anya sighed and stamped her foot. "No. I will, though. It's just a matter of time."
The male Scooby nodded his head, confident in the fact that his...manly parts were still safe for the time being. "You seem... adjusted though."
Anya wasn't listening to the compliment as the thoughts of her power overran her brain. "The power of the Wish made me a righteous sword to smite the unfaithful. This one time in France..."
Xander started walking slower, letting the newly human girl walk by him, continuing on about the curses and smiting she had done. Once she was out of sight, he started to walk to the library. "Okay then. Good start to a day."
-
"You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them."
Xander groaned as the macaroni and cheese infront of him was getting colder by the second. The deliciously cheesy meal had been interrupted at the start of the lunch period and so far, he believed he had gotten about four bites. And a hungry Xander is a grumpy Xander. He growled and took a spoonful of the lukewarm food. "Then why you talking to me? Huh? Anya, you've been following me around all day, showing up during tests, in the library, need I MENTION the" he took a quick look around the sparsely populated lunchroom and whispered, "urinal incident."
"YO HARRIS!"
Xander and Anya both turned to see Larry, the quarterback for the Sunnydale Razorbacks, walk up to the table and give Xander a large friendly slap on the back. "You ready for prom?"
The male Scooby gulped. "Uh yeah?"
Larry grinned. "It's gonna be da BOMB!"
"I don't understand why men have to associate everything with explosions."
Larry rolled his eyes. "Its easy for example, 'your big so big, it looks like your ass exploded in those jeans."
"You overdeveloped cretin! Why I'd..."
As the two students bickered, Xander slowly picked up his tray and quietly walked out of the cafeteria unnoticed.
"...And if that Y chromosome of yours allowed you to think about anything other than guns and food, I'd bet you'd kill for an ass like mine!"
Larry's face flushed red as he turned and walked out of the cafeteria. Anya smiled happily to herself, noting that verbally castrating men was almost as fun as the real thing. She quickly turned around to finish talking to Xander. "As I was saying..."
The rest of the cafeteria, who had been quietly eating and conversing with themselves thirty seconds earlier all stared open mouthed at the senior that had torn a new hole into the star quarterback over her jean size.
The one person who she HAD been expecting to pay attention to her however vanished in the melee.
"MEN SUCK!"
-
The doors to the library slammed open.
"WHERE IS HE!"
The entire Scooby Gang, save Wesley, looked up from their research on the ascension to see a rather irate looking Anya stampeding into the room.
Wesley sighed and turned the page, going back to his research. "Behind the stacks on the left side hiding."
As the girl walked past, Wesley noticed the combined stares from the rest of the gang.
"What?"
-
Xander clenched his eyes shut as he heard the stomps on the floor getting closer and closer.
"There you are!"
Xander finally snapped and stood up. "Yep! Here I am! And here I was at home, in the bathroom, in the cafeteria. Generally where I am is the place I'm at, so why do you keep on following me! HUH?"
Anya stammered. "I-uh-I, I."
Xander rolled his eyes. "Oh please Anya, out with it so I can go back to my hiding."
The former demon, for the first time that day actually looked humbled as she kept her gaze on the floor and softly muttered one sentence. "I don't have a date for the prom."
"Well gosh. I wonder why not. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with your sales pitch or possibly the stalking."
"Men are evil. Will you go with me?"
"One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which."
"You know, this happens to be all your fault."
"My fault?"
"You were unfaithful to Cordelia so I took on the guise of a twelfth-grader to tempt her with the Wish. When I lost my powers I got stuck in this persona, and now I have all these feelings. I don't understand it. I don't like it. All I know is I really want to go to this dance and I want someone to go with me."
"Oh, be still my heart. Wait a sec, it is. How come I got the short straw? "
"You're not quite as obnoxious as most of the alpha males around here."
"I'm an alpha male?"
"Its just with the others, they all at least have some kind of indifference to me."
"I guess with the Hyena and everything..."
"Plus I know you don't have a date."
Xander took offense to that. "Hey! I've been asked."
"By who? You little girly, do-gooder friends all have dates except for you."
Xander's teeth clenched shut as he forced one word out. "Noone."
Anya rolled her eyes. "Fine. Look, I know you find me attractive. I've seen you looking at my breasts in geometry."
Xander shook his head and grinned. "It's nothing personal, but when a guy does that, it just means his eyes are open. And if they aren't open, then he's just picturing them in his head."
Anya clenched her fists and made one last offer before stalking off. "Whatever. Look, the prom is tomorrow night. Do you wanna go with me or not?"
Xander took a deep breath. "Listen, just gimme a minute, okay, I'll promise to get back to you."
As the former demon walked away, making sure to avoid the research party, but glare at everything Wesley, Giles, Angel, and Oz for having a Y chromosome, Xander thought about what it would be like to go to prom with her.
Granted, he WAS looking at her breasts during geometry. But it's more due to the fact that they were there and she was wearing this nice tight little sweater with a plunging V-neckline that came down juuust the right amount. Okay, so yeah, Anya, while a bit of a former demon bent of the vengeance upon men kinda thing, was a bit of a hottie.
A former demon hottie.
Still, it beats a crazed slayer trying to choke you to death.
And your best friend that's still ignoring you.
And the other slayer that hasn't noticed the fact that you are of the manly persuasion.
And your ex girlfriend that last time you saw her kneed you in the groin and called you trash before shouting to half the school about the fact that ninety percent of the day your parents were slightly less that sober.
Yep, definitely beats that one.
But listening to Anya explain the details of a thousand years of castrations, eviscerations, and decapitations was not really his idea of a prom date
Xander groaned as he seriously began to consider the alternative.
REALLY alternative.
-
Xander cradled the phone gently in his hand and whispered to the person on the line. "Listen, okay, I'm not entirely sure I'm comfortable with this...Oh yeah sure, of course you aren't comfortable with this either, you'd probably want to go with Angel too..."
The teen groaned and held the earpiece to his chest to make sure that the crying on the other side wasn't too loud. "SHHH!" He hissed into the phone. "I don't want to be the only guy without a date, and yeah I know if I don't go through with this, technically I wouldn't but come on, you have to meet me halfway."
Xander took a large breath and pinched his nose in a very 'Giles'-esque manner. "Seriously, I'm not kidding... I don't care how much you spent on a hotel room; I'm not that kinda guy. I'm SO WAY not that kinda guy... 'Why did I call you?' Well, to be honest you asked... Haha, mister funny guy, well the pickings are kinda slim for you too."
The voice on the other line conceded and soon an agreement was met. Xander grinned. "Okay, I'll pick you up at seven... Okay, not your house, then where? Hell no, you can forget that, no way in freaking hell."
Xander groaned as another concession was made in the name of the almighty Prom. "Okay fine, you pick me up at seven... just try not to make too much noise, don't want my dad to see... yeah you'd probably understand. Alright bye."
As he hung up the phone and took one last look at his rented tuxedo hanging in the closet, he came to a realization.
"This will not end well."
-
The stereo system began to shake and reverberate to every note of the pre-synthasized pop-RB. The blond chosen one, Buffy Summers smiled as she played and twirled with her new 'Class Protector' Award. Her best female friend, Willow Rosenburg sidled up next to her with her date, the ever-stoic werewolf Oz. "Hey Wills, look at this, it clashes with my shoes, but I still think I'll keep it."
"Yeah, but where's Xander, shouldn't he be here congratulating you too?"
Sudden gasps were heard as Buffy responded. "You know what I haven't seen him...yet."
All three friends turned to see one formally dressed Alexander Harris stride in the door with the equally formally dressed...Larry.
The DJ grinned before cutting off the music and dropping a new record.
-HEY HEY! MACHO MACHO MAN-
Willow and Buffy abruptly fainted into Oz's arms. The werewolf raised an eyebrow at his male friend.
"GODDAMMIT, WE'RE JUST FRIENDS!"
-I'VE GOT TO BE, A MACHO MAN-
Anyanka, former patron saint of Scorned women, walked up to Larry and slapped him across the face. "BITCH!"
-MACHO, MACHO MAN-
"Well, this went as well as I expected."
-I'VE GOT TO BE A MACHO-
-
-
-
'If I Were Gay'
By Stephen Lynch
Here we are
Dear old friends
You and I drunk again
Laughs have been had
Tears have been shed
Maybe the whisky has gone to my head
But if I were gay
I would give you my heart
And if I were gay
You'd be my work of art
And if I were gay
We would swim in romance
But I'm not gay
So get your hand out of my pants
Its not that I don't care
I do
I just don't see myself in you
Another time another scene
I'd be right behind you if you know what I mean
Coz if I were gay
I would give soul
And if I were gay
I would give you my whole... being
And if I were gay
We would tear down the walls
But I'm Not gay
So wont you stop cupping my Ba... Hand
We've never hugged
We've never kissed
I've never been intimate with your fist
You have opened brand new doors
Get over here and drop ... your ... Drawers
-
The End.
PS. Get the CD, funny as all bloody hell
And no hissy fits about the ending, they went as friends...
Seriously.
I Hope.