Disclamer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy, or make any profit from this story.
Summary: Set in 9x24 "Perfect Storm". How the conversation between April and Jackson should have gone. One Shot.
Author's Note: It's my first time writing for this fandom, so please be gentle with me?
The Reason
"You're getting married," he said as calmly as possible.
What else were you supposed to say to an engaged woman who just professed her love for you?
"Unless you give me a reason not to."
Her eyes were wild. Wild like every time she was making a life-altering decision. Like they had been after every time they had sex. Jackson wondered if she was going to rant about how Jesus would never forgive her for even considering this.
When she remained silent, he swallowed. He was still shocked from the explosion, his ears ringing unpleasantly and his sight slightly troubled; maybe he had a concussion that his colleagues had failed to diagnose. Maybe that was why he wanted to give April a reason to run away from her paramedic.
He wanted her, too.
He lazily snapped back to reality when he heard her sniff. Jackson cursed himself for hurting her. That was the last thing he wanted.
"April, I can't—"
I can't be the one to make you break another sacred promise.
"Okay," she said, her voice unusually high-pitched.
Before Jackson had time to come up with something else to say, she'd run off. He'd noticed she had glanced at her phone, but he hadn't heard it go off.
"Why was Kepner crying when she literally ran out of here?"
Jackson opened his eyes to Callie Torres' suspicious glance. The bomb April had dropped on him had caused more damage than the explosion; he was completely drained. He hadn't even realized he was dozing off until Callie entered.
"She'll be fine," he said dismissively, hoping he was being convincing.
Callie hummed in response and neared his bed. She stared down at him for a while and then hit the back of his head before taking a seat next to him on the bed.
"Ow," Jackson groaned. "What was that for?"
The orthopedic surgeon shrugged with the you-had-it-coming-and-I-couldn't-care-less attitude that made her so pleasant to be around most of the time.
"Mark," she said with unhidden tenderness. "He would smack you for being so damn stupid."
"What are you talking about?"
Callie shook her head.
"She ran, okay?" she articulated as if she was speaking to Sofia. "She willingly ran to a burning bus for you, Jackson."
He stayed silent, reminiscing about the soul-tearing screams he had vaguely identified as April's as he carried the little girl away from the fire.
"The paramedic had to physically restrain her," Callie added. "And I know Mark would never allow you to let this kind of love to go to waste, so…"
She hit him again and, with a sympathetic smile, she left the room, abandoning Jackson to his dilemma.
"There's a reason you were my first, Jax," she said softly.
Jackson opened his eyes and sat up with a sigh. He had heard about Webber's accident and he was wondering how he would tell his mother when he'd fallen asleep again – the painkillers were doing their job, but he felt numb. Until April came in. He immediately became defensive to hide his discomfort.
"Let me guess, it was all part of God's plan?"
As she sat next to him on the bed, April absentmindedly slapped his shoulder, drawing a low hiss from him. He almost laughed at the horrified look on her face when she realized what she'd done. She apologized profusely. When he assured her he would live, the small smile on her face soon vanished.
"It was part of God's plan. It must have been."
He observed as her face became determined, the vulnerability from moments ago completely he trust his gut feeling?
He'd been convinced he was in love with Lexie and look how well that worked out. The loss of her, both romantically and altogether, still crippled him. But she'd helped him figure something out: he was not the kind of man to wait around for a girl who loved someone else.
What is the case with April? Could it be that her declaration came from a place of shock, rather than truth? They had already lost so many people; it made sense that she should hold on to him after thinking he had died.
But what would happen afterwards? A few days, weeks from now, when she'd get to her senses?
"April—"
"No, listen to me," she commanded. "You're the only one who's been there for me through everything. That has to mean something."
Jackson exhaled through his nose, his frustration spiraling. Where he usually went acted on impulse, she was compelled to make 'Pros and Cons' lists for the most insignificant decisions. April Kepner had always been the Queen of Logic and the one she was trying to defend was rather enticing. But she seemed to forget one tiny detail.
"You said yes," Jackson said through greeted teeth, feeling his shoulder pulse with pain. "When he asked you to marry him, you said yes. And your God let you, so..."
"Okay, enough about God. You don't share my beliefs and that's fine. But I believe that He lets us make our own choices," she argued.
"You still chose him."
"But don't you see?" she almost shrieked. "It was never a choice between you and him. It was a choice between who I thought I was…and who I really am."
"All I see is that you said it was relief we didn't have to get married when we heard you weren't pregnant."
From the corner of his eye, he saw her bite her lip. She'd cut him deep, that day. But he was a plastic surgeon, he knew how to hide scars perfectly. Stephanie had played the role of a smart and sexy band-aid.
"Jackson, I was scared," April said after a while. "I really, really wanted you to want me like that, but I didn't know if you could. You said you weren't ready to be anyone's husband. You said we could get married because you felt pressured and—"
"April, you said—"
"Look, we both said things," she reasoned, speaking faster with every word. "But I have given myself to you in a way that I haven't to anyone else. I willingly made love with you."
Jackson sighed. It felt good to hear her say it with such conviction – she had been willing. Even though he'd claimed multiple times that he would never feel sorry about sleeping with her, sometimes, he did. Call it ego if you will, but he couldn't help thinking he was the one holding the power, because he knew. How sex could complicate things between two people. How it could give way to feelings He should have warned her.
"Why did you?" he asked softly.
"I was saving myself for a future husband," she said. "Maybe I've always wanted you to be that man."
Jackson was staring at her, utterly in shock. It was one thing that she was in love with him; it was one thing that she was pretty sure he loved her back. But wanting him to be her husband? He closed his eyes to block out the sight of her, so beautifully honest. April had a way of confusing him when she didn't even try.
"Maybe I've always known you were that man, Jackson," she said, sobs perceptible in her shaky whisper. "So I don't need you to give me a reason not to marry Matthew. I won't."
The dull neon light of the room blinded Jackson temporarily as he reopened his eyes to find her smiling at him, more serene than he had ever seen her. Despite the lack of sleep and the stress, her face was relaxed. Her eyes were staring right at him when she spoke.
"I can't be with him, even though he's perfect for me."
Jackson snorted before he could help himself.
"Nice one, Kepner, thanks."
She shook her head and hesitated for a second before she put her hand on top of his.
"You were perfect for Lexie."
Yet she had always loved one man, he thought. He was finally putting the pieces back together.
"You don't want us to be them," he said. "Mark and Lexie."
She nodded.
"But we are", April said strongly. "We've been wasting so much time! And when that bus exploded tonight, I – you don't know what it did to me, Jackson."
He couldn't help a small smile.
"If you want to think I'm a horrible person who keeps hurting others, then fine, hate me, but at least you know, okay? You know how much I—"
Jackson took a deep breath and shushed her by covering her mouth with his.